by Erica Lee
Jenny paused again and this time the tears flowed freely. I had a feeling the next part of the story would be the big “but” where everything fell apart. I rubbed her back to show her that I was there for her.
“About two weeks before our junior year, my parents went away for the weekend and I asked Tonya to sleepover. It started out innocently enough with us just making out and feeling each other up over our clothes. But slowly we ended up taking off our clothes and..well.. that was the night I lost my virginity. I had known I was in love with Tonya for a few months, but decided I could finally tell her. Apparently, I was wrong. As soon as I said it she dashed out of my house and I didn’t hear from her again. I texted and called her countless times over the next week and when that didn’t work, I decided to send her a Facebook message so I could at least see when she read it. I poured my heart out in that message telling her how long I had liked her, and now loved her, and that I was willing to do anything to be with her. Looking back, I can see how pathetic that was, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do.”
“Hey,” I said reassuringly. “You were in love. You did what your heart felt was right. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
Jenny tried to smile at me, but I could tell it was forced. “She read my message almost immediately, but again, didn’t respond. I figured I could just talk to her once school started again. But when I got to school on that first day, I found out that Jenny had printed out multiple copies of the message I wrote her and was passing it out to everyone in the school.”
I scrunched up my nose in thought. “I don’t get it though. Wouldn’t that note have outed her too?”
Jenny laughed sarcastically. “That was the best part. She whited out all of the parts that could have been incriminating to her so it just looked like I was weirdly obsessed. She told people that the missing parts were where I talked about other girls I had big lesbian crushes on and she figured she would save them the embarrassment.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “And people actually believed that?”
“Yep. Every single one of my friends did at least. Except for Allison. We had always run with the same group, but we weren’t super close until this happened. She pulled me aside and told me that she didn’t care that I was gay or that I was in love with Tonya. She was the only person willing to stick up for me to the rest of our friends, or the rest of the student body for that matter.”
“But didn’t you still have the copy of the Facebook message?” I asked. “You could have shown people the original with the parts that involved Tonya.”
Jenny sighed. “I didn’t only have the Facebook message. I also had some texts saved from Tonya where she told me how much she liked kissing me.”
“So, did you show those to people?”
Jenny shook her head. “Only Allison. But not until after I knew that she had my back. She tried to convince me to show people the messages, but I refused.”
“But why wouldn’t you?” I asked, completely aghast.
Jenny shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t feel like I owed those people anything. They were so quick to believe Tonya and turn on me. I already knew they weren’t true friends, so I decided they weren’t worth my time.”
“Good for you,” I said with a smile.
Jenny laughed sarcastically again. “Yeah. If only I actually didn’t let them get to me. I couldn’t deal with the bullying and whispers and started to feel really depressed. The hardest part though was that my heart was completely broken. It was like Tonya had flipped a switch and become a completely different person. She could walk by me in the hall and look right past me. The only times she acknowledged me was to call me dyke or queer. That New Year’s Eve, I told Allison I was staying in and I sat at home honestly considering whether or not I wanted to be alive anymore. All I could think about were the last two years that I had spent with Tonya and didn’t see how I could get past it, especially since everyone in the school seemed set on making my life miserable. Allison ended up coming to my house that night. She told me that she was worried about me and didn’t want to leave me alone. That’s when I broke down and told her about the thoughts I was having. She convinced me to tell my family and they were able to get me help. Allison and my family literally saved my life.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. “Jenny I...I don’t know what to...say,” I stuttered, then immediately broke into tears. Now I was the one sobbing while Jenny held me close. I felt like such an idiot. I was supposed to be comforting her, but I couldn’t help it. The thought of Jenny going through that broke my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I said, as I sat back and wiped my tears away. “I just can’t believe you had to go through that. You’re such an amazing person and it kills me that you were hurt like that. It’s also a lot to wrap my head around. You’re so much different than the girl you’re describing.”
“Does this...” Jenny hesitated before continuing. “...make you like me less?”
“I wish,” I admitted with a laugh. “No, it makes me like you even more. You went through this awful time in your life, but you didn’t let it break you. Instead you came out of it as this cool, confident, sexy as hell girl.”
“It took a lot of work to become the person I am today. The rest of high school was pretty rough, but I was able to make it through with the help of my family and Allison’s family. When I went to college, I used it as a completely fresh start. I didn’t want to be the shy girl who gets taken advantage of and has her heart broken, so I put on this mask of fake confidence. Eventually, I actually started to feel the way I was pretending to feel.”
“What about now? Are you truly happy?”
“I am,” Jenny answered with a sincere smile. She followed it up with a yawn. “I’m exhausted though. Do you think we could get in bed?”
“Yeah…” I looked toward the bed that Jenny was already crawling into. “I can just sleep on the floor tonight. I don’t want it to be weird now.”
I started to turn around, but Jenny’s hand wrapped around my wrist. “Will you please lay with me? Talking about that was really hard. It brought up a lot of emotions I haven’t dealt with in a long time and...I...I need you.”
She looked so sad and insecure that I would have done anything to take it away, so I crawled into the bed beside her, this time taking a spot more toward the center. Jenny backed into me and I wrapped my arms around her.
“Hey Jenny,” I whispered into her ear. “I hope you know that I would never hurt you. I don’t need any more from you than what you’re willing to give me. What happened tonight doesn’t have to change anything.”
“Thank you Rory. That means a lot. I don’t want anything to change.” With those words, Jenny turned to me and took my face in her hands.
We both leaned in together and shared another kiss. This was different from the first one though. It was slow and delicate. I wasn’t naive enough to believe it was the first of many kisses like this. No, this was different. This kiss was filled with promises and reassurance and I had a feeling it would be our last.
Chapter 16
Ryan waved at me eagerly as I pulled into the passenger pick up area of the Philadelphia airport. It was clear that he was just as excited about this little impromptu visit as I was. When he called me three weeks earlier and asked if I was free this weekend for a visit that Todd couldn’t know about, I immediately knew what it was about. Ryan refused to give me any details aside from flight information. He also requested that I ask Todd’s parents to get dinner the weekend he was coming, but not to tell them he would be there.
As soon as we were on the road heading back toward my hometown, I turned my eyes slightly toward him.
“Ok spill. We both know that I know exactly why you are coming here. So just say it. I can’t wait any longer.”
Ryan blatantly rolled his eyes at me. “Patience,” he lectured. “I get to interrogate you first. So tell me, have you and Jenny kissed again?”
&
nbsp; I rolled my eyes right back at him. “First of all, Jenny and I haven’t seen each other for almost 8 months. It’s kind of hard to kiss someone who is over 2000 miles away. Second of all, you know that we both agreed it was a one time thing.”
“Hm I believe you mean two time thing,” Ryan said with a smirk. “Have you forgotten about the slow, sensual bed make out.”
I put one hand on my head, but couldn’t suppress the laugh that left my mouth. “I so regret telling you and Todd about that. I don’t know what we were thinking when we decided it was a good idea.”
Ryan reached out and grabbed the hand that was holding my head. “You were thinking that you guys would need friends to talk about this with. Friends to ask you the tough questions. For example, have you thought about the fact that this is the longest you and Jenny have ever gone without seeing each other since you met? Do you think that has anything to do with the kiss?”
“Absolutely not,” I lied. “We can’t just fly across the country whenever we want. We still talk all the time. I can’t remember the last time a day went by without us video chatting for at least an hour. Plus, we’re constantly texting.”
“But those are safe,” Ryan interjected. “When you’re across the country from each other, you know you won’t accidentally slip up and kiss her again.”
I groaned loudly. The truth was, Ryan was exactly right, but there was no way I would ever admit that. Things with Jenny were complicated, but I wasn’t unhappy with where we were at. Although, I had to admit that I missed being in her presence terribly.
“Why don’t you bother Jenny about this instead of me? Isn’t she technically your bestie?” I was trying to throw it back at him, but I was also curious to see if he would slip up and give away how Jenny felt about the whole situation.
“Honey, that girl has so many walls, even Donald Trump is jealous. There’s no way she’s going to tell me anything.”
Disappointed, I decided it was best to just change the subject. “Really though. Please just tell me what you flew all the way here to tell me.”
“Ok,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I was just wondering if it was ok if I asked your best friend to marry me.”
——————————
“Eeee,” I squealed as we made our way up the walkway to Todd’s parent’s house. “I can’t believe this is actually happening and I get to be part of it.”
I jumped up and down while I took in Ryan’s outfit again. He had taken forever to get ready once we were at my mom’s house, claiming he had to look perfect. He was wearing new khaki pants with a white button up and blue tie. His long blonde hair was tamed as much as you could tame a Cali boy’s mane. He was carrying flowers for Todd’s Mom and a bottle of whiskey for his dad.
I knocked on the door and when Todd’s Mom opened it, she went from looking excited to looking sincerely shocked.
“Ryan! What are you doing here?” She looked around and added, “Is Todd here too?”
“No, it’s just me,” Ryan said, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
Todd’s mom threw a hand in the air. “Oh honey, stop that. You know I’m so happy to see you.”
We waited by the door for Todd’s Dad to come down and got pretty much the same reaction out of him. After the initial shock wore off, we got in the car to head to the Mexican restaurant I had made reservations at. I put my hand on Ryan’s knee to try to keep it from bouncing up and down. He smiled appreciatively at me, but the bouncing didn’t stop.
Once we were inside the restaurant and had ordered our food, Ryan took a deep breath and blew the air out slowly.
“So,” he barely squeaked out before clearing his throat. “The reason I’m here... I have a very important question to ask you. Over the past three years, your son has become the most important part of my life. Todd is amazing in every way imaginable and I know so much of that has to do with you two. So I came here today because I was hoping...I was hoping I could have your blessing in asking your son to marry me.”
Todd’s Mom immediately broke into tears and even his dad looked like he was trying to hold back a few. He held out his hand for Ryan to shake. “There’s nothing that would make us happier. We can’t wait for you to officially be part of the family.”
“There’s one more thing,” Ryan added. “I was hoping you would all come to California for the proposal.”
Chapter 17
The two months leading up to the proposal dragged by. I didn’t know if I was more excited to watch my best friend get engaged or to finally see Jenny again. I guess you could say I was also extremely nervous about the latter part. I didn’t know how it would go after how we had left things the last time we saw each other.
The most nerve wracking part was that I had agreed to stay at Jenny’s place and it would be just the two of us there. Since Todd’s parents would be staying with him and Ryan, it would have been too crowded for me. I guess I could have stayed with my dad, but I must be a sucker for torture.
Once we landed and got our bags, Jenny picked us up and took us to her place to wait until it was time to join in on the proposal. Ryan was taking Todd back to the restaurant where we all went the first night they met. The plan was that Ryan was going to order them a dessert, but instead of bringing out the food, the restaurant was going to bring the ring box out on a plate. After he proposed, we were going to meet them there for actual dessert.
When Ryan texted that the proposal was about to occur, we all headed that way. Todd was shocked when we all walked in. He immediately showed us his ring which was a platinum band with each of their birthstones in it that Ryan had custom made.
“I wasn’t sure how it worked with two guys,” Todd’s Dad admitted once we were sitting at the table. “I didn’t know if you would propose with a ring or not.”
Ryan explained that he really wanted the proposal to be as traditional as possible so he went the ring route. Todd added that the ring would serve as his wedding band too, but they were going to have it engraved with their wedding date once that time came.
When they were done explaining, Todd’s Mom looked to me. “How do you think you’ll do it when your big day comes Rory?”
I felt my whole face turning red. I had never told Todd’s parents about my aversion to marriage. It’s not exactly kosher in society these days to admit that you plan on dating around rather than ever settling down with someone. Except now I was starting to wonder if the dating around thing would even happen or if I would just be single for the rest of my life. Ever since Jenny and I kissed, any desire to date had completely gone away. If I was being completely honest with myself, dating hadn’t been nearly as fun since I met Jenny since I compared every girl to her. But it was different now. I didn’t want to date a girl that wasn’t Jenny. I wasn’t ready for the last kiss on my lips to be from anyone but her.
I came back from my thoughts and realized everyone at the table was now staring at me. “Oh sorry. I got caught up thinking about the question,” I lied. “I guess if I were to get to that point with someone, I would want both of us to have engagement rings and then wedding bands. I think I would want to be the one to propose though.”
I was saying “I think,” but the truth was, I had actually thought about this. I was starting to think about things like this more and more lately.
Todd’s mom turned her attention to Jenny, who seemed to be just a little too interested in my response for just a friend. “What about you sweetheart? Sorry for all the questions. I just find it so interesting since you guys don’t have to go down the traditional route.”
“Oh…” Jenny answered hesitantly. “I agree with Rory actually. If I ended up deciding marriage was the next step for me, I would want both of us to have the engagement rings and wedding bands. I would totally be all about having the bling to show off. I wouldn’t want to be the one to propose though. That’s way too much pressure.”
Ryan leaned in and elbowed Todd’s Mom. “She also thinks
she’s a queen, so proposing would totally be below her.”
“Hey, if the tiara fits,” Jenny said with a wink. I could tell she was uncomfortable with the conversation though. She gave me a reluctant smile and I naively wondered if we were both thinking the same thing. My mind was running away with crazy thoughts of what it would be like to propose to Jenny. I knew one thing for sure - she was the only person who could ever get me to rethink my stance on marriage. Except with her, I knew I wouldn’t have to. Her reasons stemmed from much bigger issues than mine did and there was no way I could ever put her in a situation that would cause her the kind of pain she felt before.
After dinner, we said our goodbyes and headed back to Jenny’s apartment. When I started to prepare the pull out couch, Jenny put a hand on my arm to stop me.
“Would you maybe consider sharing the bed with me?” She asked. She sounded unsure of herself, but then flirtatiously ran her fingers over my arm like she was confident in her decision. “I just love the feeling of these strong arms around me.”
She stopped the trail of her fingers to squeeze my bicep and I sighed loudly, pushing her hand away. “You don’t have to do that with me, you know.”
“Do what?” Jenny asked innocently.
“Flirt to cover up your insecurities,” I pointed out matter of factly.
Jenny made her face into a pout. “But I like to flirt. You know that. Don’t try to contain my flirtation.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her. She was too cute to honestly be annoyed at. “I’m not going to lie, I also enjoy your flirtation. But we both know there are reasons that we shouldn’t be crawling into bed together. And maybe it’s for the best if we didn’t sweep those reasons under the rug.”
Jenny frowned slightly. “Listen Rory. I know you’re right, but at this point, neither of us can deny how we feel about each other. We’ve both admitted to having feelings and although we haven’t seen each other in months, I can tell you that my feelings haven’t dwindled at all. And I’m going to guess by the way you’re looking at me right now that yours haven’t either. I understand why we agreed not to do that thing again that we also agreed not to talk about. It can lead to other things and we could end up getting hurt. There’s no need to go down that road with the way...you...and I..we both… feel about commitment. But I like you Rory and I’ve missed having you close to me. I’ve missed being able to reach out and touch you. I’ve missed the feeling of your touch. And yeah, it might be absolute torture to cuddle close to each other and not be able to do anything else, but can you honestly think of any sweeter torture than that?”