by Erica Lee
When I felt her start to stir, I bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. She opened her eyes and smiled up at me.
“Hey there pretty girl. Did you get a good night’s sleep?” I asked.
She wrapped her arms around my waist to pull me close. “The best.”
We laid like this for a few minutes, until I willed myself to sit up. Jenny sat up beside me, the grin never leaving her face.
“So, I think we should talk about what happened last night and what it means for us in the future.” My grin grew wider as I said the words, but I noticed that Jenny’s smile started to slip.
Soon her whole face was pale and a scared look appeared. Except she didn’t just look scared. She looked terrified. My heart felt like it dropped out of my chest. My worst nightmares were coming true. She didn’t want this. Of course she didn’t. Why did I ever start to make myself believe that she did?
I continued to watch her as she said nothing, but I could have sworn she was on the brink of tears. I couldn’t stand to see her like this. I knew I had to make things easier on her, even if it made my life a thousand times harder.
“Maybe we should just forget this ever happened...if that’s what you want.” The words left a sour taste in my mouth. There would be no forgetting what had happened last night.
I watched Jenny expectantly, hoping she would fight back. I wanted her to tell me that it’s not what she wanted, but instead her words stung more than I could have imagined. “Yeah. I think that’s for the best.”
My heart broke instantly, but I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t let her see me like that. I wanted her to be happy and I knew she couldn’t be if she knew I was upset. The day passed by slowly with each of us trying to act as normal as possible and failing miserably.
When it was time to go to bed for the night, Jenny headed to the guest room without saying anything. I cried myself to sleep wondering how something so beautiful could make everything so bad.
The next day, I woke up early to drive Jenny to the airport. We barely spoke the whole trip, but held each other close before saying goodbye. We promised that we would text and video chat every day and that we would see eachother again before the wedding day, but even the promises felt empty.
In one of the conversations we did have, we decided not to tell anyone what had happened, especially not Todd and Ryan. The next few months were the loneliest months of my life. You know the part in the second Twilight movie when Bella is heartbroken and spends months just staring out the window? The part that seems so dramatic and unrealistic to anyone who has never gone through it? I felt like that was my life. I felt like an empty shell of a person just watching the world pass me by.
Jenny and I kept our promises to try to keep in touch, but it only made things harder. Our conversations were nothing like they were in the past and we both came up with excuses to skip out on skype or FaceTime. Although I felt guilty about it, I found excuses not to travel to California to help Todd with wedding plans. The one time I did fly out there for a few days, Jenny and I somehow avoided seeing each other. I realized it was pretty easy to avoid someone when they were avoiding you too.
A few weeks before the wedding, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew Jenny and I were going to be spending a lot of time together on the wedding weekend and the boys didn’t deserve for us to make it awkward.
The day I called her, she surprisingly picked up after just two rings, immediately asking me if everything was ok. That was the thing with Jenny. I knew no matter how bad it got between us, she would never stop caring and that alone kept me hanging on.
“I’m ok,” I tried to lie. “No I’m not. Everything sucks right now Jenny. As much as I don’t want to admit it, nothing is the same between us.”
Jenny sighed. “I know. I’m not sure how we could expect it to stay the same though.”
“What are we going to do?” I knew I wasn’t hiding the desperation in my voice, but there was no use to try. I was desperate.
“I don’t know Ror,” Jenny answered a little too truthfully. “But I do think this is something we should talk about in person.”
I reluctantly agreed and suffered through the next few weeks leading up to the wedding weekend.
The day I arrived in LA was much too busy to get any time alone with Jenny. We both tried our best to act cordial toward each other and act like nothing was wrong.
The morning of the wedding, I knew I had to suck it up and talk to her. I woke up early and headed to her hotel room, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door. When Jenny opened up, she looked surprised to see me, but asked me to come in.
We both sat on her bed in silence for a few minutes. All I could think about was what had happened the last time we were in bed together.
“Please tell me what to do to make things better between us.” Jenny jumped at my words, surprised to hear me break the silence.
I tried to take her hand in mine, but she grabbed it away from me like I was a stranger.
“Could you just tell me what I did wrong?” I asked.
“Seriously Rory?” Jenny scoffed.
I guess it was a pretty dumb question to ask. I knew exactly what I had done wrong. I had broken our one promise to each other.
“I’m sorry I had sex with you. I should have stopped it from happening.” Except that was a lie. I wasn’t sorry. It was the most passionate night of my life and I regretted nothing about it, except the aftermath.
“That’s honestly what you’re apologizing for right now?” I could tell by Jenny’s voice that she was frustrated, but I didn’t know what she wanted from me.
“Yes? No? Ugh I don’t know. I’m just trying to make things right here.”
I tried to look to Jenny for answers, but she had completely shut down on me. I waited a few minutes then without saying anything, I stood and headed for the door.
“I was falling in love with you.” Jenny’s words caused my hand to drop from the door.
I turned around to find her staring at me with tears streaking her cheeks.
“Wh-what?” I stammered, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me.
“I think I was falling for a long time, but it wasn’t until the night of Rebecca’s wedding that I realized that the feelings I was having went so far beyond a stupid crush. I had to pull away Rory. It was too hard knowing that what happened between us meant so much more to me than it meant to you.”
My head was spinning. I felt like I was going to pass out. I placed my hand on a nearby wall to keep myself upright. “Jenny what happened between us...it meant everything to me. It’s all I’ve thought about since that night. My heart feels whole and broken at the same time because it was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Walking away the next morning when all I wanted to do was give my whole heart to you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of this. I wanted you.”
Jenny’s face contorted in a way that I couldn’t read. She looked angry, sad, and shocked all at the same time and it was like her body couldn’t decide which emotion was going to win out.
“But y-y-you. Why Rory? Why are you just saying this now? You said... YOU said.. that we should forget it happened. I didn’t want that. God Rory... for the first time in my life, I was ready to face my fears. I wanted us to be more. Why would you say that we should forget everything that happened if you didn’t really want to forget?”
I stumbled back over to her bed, grasping my stomach as I sat down. I felt like I was going to be sick. “Shit Jenny... I said that because I thought you wanted it. I wanted to make it easier on you. You looked so scared.”
Jenny sat down next to me and rested her head against mine. “Of course I looked scared. I was about to give my heart to someone. The last time I did that, my world fell apart.”
“Damnit Jenny.” I punched my fist against the bed. I wasn’t mad at her and I wanted her to know that, but I couldn’t get my thoughts straight. “I said t
hat we could forget it if that’s what YOU wanted and you said it was for the best.”
With those words, I began sobbing and buried my head into Jenny’s shoulder. To my surprise, she pulled me closer. I was repeating the word sorry over and over again, unsure if she could actually hear me through the sobs and the muffling by her own shirt.
“Shh,” she soothed. “I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry. We both messed up. We’re both so so bad at this. We had something beautiful and we... we ruined it.”
I pulled back, wiping the tears from my face. “B-but it’s not too late. We can still make things better. I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed.”
Jenny sighed. “Everything has changed Ror. We hurt each other. We promised we never would and we did.”
“But we can make it better. I can make it better.” I knew I was begging now, but I couldn’t control myself. My world was slipping out from under me.
“I wish we could,” Jenny whispered, with a sadness to her voice that I had never heard before. “It doesn’t make sense Rory. We don’t even live in the same state. Neither of us is willing to move. It’s unrealistic to think we could somehow make this work.”
I felt my whole body deflate and any segments of my heart that still remained shattered on the spot. There was nothing I could say. I couldn’t fight that. She was right. I didn’t want her to be right, but she was.
We grabbed onto each other and held on tight, crying in each other’s arms. It was beautiful and tragic all at once. That’s what Jennifer Anneliese Hanson and I were - a beautiful tragedy.
———————————-
“So are you ready?” I looked over to see Jenny’s big brown eyes already staring at me. Those were the eyes that first attracted me to her and they still had the habit of taking my breath away, even though I knew they shouldn’t. Her eyes always had such a nice shimmer to them, only today they didn’t. Today they just looked sad. It killed me to see them looking that way. All I wanted to do was reach out and grab her hand. I wanted to tell her that everything would be ok. I wanted to promise that we would find a way to make things better. More than anything, I just wanted to make her smile again.
Instead I shrugged my shoulders and forced a fake smile onto my face. I threw on a pair of sunglasses and as the music started, I took her hand and broke into our choreographed entrance, hoping no one would realize just how broken up I was inside.
Our entrance was somehow flawless. To the outside world, we were perfect. But we both knew that we were broken. The only thing that was making me happy was the fact that I hadn’t found a way to mess up Todd’s big day.
While we sat at the head table, just feet away from each other, I willed myself not to look at Jenny. I knew if I looked at her I would break down again. It didn’t matter if everyone in the room saw. There was no way I would be able to control it. I felt a hand grab mine and looked up to see Todd staring at me.
“It’s time for your toast.” He nodded his head toward the DJ who was standing by me with a microphone. “Are you ok to do this?”
I nodded my head. The fact that he would even ask that on the day that was supposed to be all about him just proved that I owed him this. Luckily I made it through without having a breakdown. After I finished, both Todd and Ryan stood to hug me and it took everything in me to let go.
I tuned out while Jenny gave her speech. It might seem dramatic, but I couldn’t bear to hear her voice. The rest of the night went by in a blur. I danced and drank, doing anything I could to keep my mind off of Jenny which proved to be hard as we kept stealing glances at each other from across the room.
The night ended with me drunkenly tucking myself into bed and crying myself to sleep. I knew it wasn’t my best moment, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
The next day I awoke to a knock at my door. I jumped out of bed, hope surging through me. I tried to mask my disappointment when I opened the door to find Todd standing in front of me. He pushed past me into my room and sat on my bed.
“Ok, I’m just going to be straight with you. You look awful right now.” He sniffed the air and turned his nose up. “You don’t smell so good either. It smells like sweaty vodka in here.”
When I didn’t crack a smile at his jokes, Todd patted the spot on the bed next to him. “Talk to me. What’s up? What’s going on with you and Jenny?”
“Well, the truth is...” I hesitated for a moment, unsure if I should tell him. “Jenny and I had sex.”
A smile spread across Todd’s face and he slapped the bed with the palm of his hand. “Well hot damn. It’s about time. Is that what the smell is in here? I thought maybe it was a sex smell. Was it make up sex from whatever issue you guys have clearly been having the past few months? Where is Jenny? Hiding in the closet? Come on you have to...”
“Todd please.” I put up a hand to signal him to stop talking. “We didn’t just have sex. We had sex at the last wedding we went to.”
Todd looked toward the ceiling and started raising his fingers like he was counting something. “But that was six months ago. Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged. “You and Ryan were busy planning your wedding. This is the happiest time of your lives. We didn’t want to do anything to ruin that.”
Todd placed his hand on my knee. “But you guys are our best friends. We care about you so much more than we care about some dumb wedding.”
His eyes burned into me. “You really should have told me. So the sex… is that what caused your problems?”
I nodded my head then went through the whole story, starting with Rebecca’s wedding and ending with the confessions from the morning before.
After I was done, Todd exhaled loudly like he had been holding his breath the whole time.
“You have to do something Ror,” he ordered. “I’ve been telling you from the beginning that you guys were meant to be together. It can’t end like this.”
“It’s too late. It’s just too late.” My shoulders dropped as I said the words.
We both looked toward the door when we heard a knock. Todd patted me on the knee and stood up.
“That’s probably Ryan wondering where I’m at. I’ll get it.”
When the door opened, it wasn’t Ryan standing on the other side, but Jenny instead. Todd gave her a hug, then excused himself.
Jenny walked over to the bed and sat beside me, taking my hand and laying her head on my shoulder. We sat like this for a few minutes before Jenny broke the silence.
“Do you think we can try to be friends again?”
“Jenny, no matter what, I’ll always be your friend,” I answered sincerely.
Jenny sighed. “I know that. But I mean can we try to go back to how we were before? I know it won’t be easy, but I need that. I need you.”
“I’ll try my best, but it’s not going to be easy,” I admitted.
Jenny nodded her head and we sat in silence again. Neither of us said another word but the air between us seemed to be full of promises that I hoped and prayed we could actually keep this time.
After awhile, I walked Jenny to the door and we shared a long hug. I watched as she walked away and for the first time since becoming friends, I wondered if I would ever see Jenny Hanson again.
Chapter 20
After I landed in Pennsylvania and packed my luggage in my car, I started my trip. I drove right past the exit for my condo and stayed on the road for another two hours. When I arrived at my destination, I knocked loudly on the door, collapsing into open arms as soon as the door opened.
“Mommy,” I cried into her shoulder. No matter how old I got I would never be too old to need my mom and this was one of those times.
My mom directed me into the house and sat me down on the couch, taking the seat beside me. She rubbed my back while I sobbed, letting out all of my pent up feelings from the past few months; heck, from the past few years.
“What’s going on Rory? Is this about Jenny?”
I nodded through my sobs,
not questioning how my mom knew that. Moms had a way of knowing everything.
“I was happy before I met Jenny. I felt whole. I thought I had it all. And then I met her and she made me feel things I’ve never felt before and I realized that there was this happiness that I didn’t even think was possible. But a lot has happened and now everything is a mess and I feel like a part of me is missing and I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to be whole again without her.”
“Well the solution is pretty simple,” my mom said nonchalantly while wiping the tears from my eyes. “Don’t live without her.”
“That’s the goal, but there are too many feelings involved now. I don’t want to live as just her friend. I’m not sure if I can.”
“Well, are these feelings mutual?” My Mom asked, clearly trying to make the situation seem much more simple than it actually was.
“I think they are. No, I know they are.”
My mom stared at me for a few minutes like she was trying to figure out where the problem was, but then a sad look of realization entered her face. “Is this about your father and I? You’re not trying to avoid a relationship to avoid ending up like us are you? Because you can’t live like that Rory. You can’t expect things to turn out the way they did for us. Your father and I were so young when we got together. When we first started dating, we really did love each other, but somewhere along the line we didn’t feel the love anymore, we just felt comfortable together. When we were at the point where we should have ended things, we were also at the age when people expected us to get married and have kids. So we did what was expected. I thought I could be happy with your father because we really did care about each other, but because there was no love, we grew to resent each other and that resentment manifested itself as hatred.”