Not Hungry

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  I tell Mae. Not for a long, long, long time.

  Mae in the mirror frowns. You know that’s not good… don’t you?

  I look down. Down at my feet without any shoes. I gotta finish getting ready,

  I say to Mae or to Mae in the mirror or to no one at all. The doorbell rings. Lacey’s here to pick me up. And then Erick honks for Mae and we both rush around, grabbing shoes and purses. There’s no more Mae or June in the mirror. There’s no more truths to be told.

  THIS IS HOW

  to attend a dance and yet not be there at all. You sit at a table by the front door next to your best friend. You are dressed up like you are going to a dance. But you do not dance. Instead you sit. Your classmates come in and look through you. Tickets please,

  you say. They are laughing and talking and having fun. They do not hear or notice you. Tickets please,

  you repeat. Someone hears at last. They toss tickets in your general direction. One of the ticket throwers is Toby. For a moment his eyes accidentally meet yours. You know it’s an accident because he’s smiling, laughing at something the girl hanging on his arm just said. His gaze drifts your way, finds you, and the smile dies. He almost seems angry to see you there. Like you don’t belong. Like you being there has ruined his good time. And then he’s gone. And even though it was awful and he was awful you stare after him and wish for so many things that cannot be.

  MAE AND ERICK

  arrive late. Her eyes are glassy, but her smile is extra bright and wide. We wanted to make a dramatic entrance!

  she laughs. Erick meanwhile stands holding a pretty little plate stacked full of frosted brownies, looking awkward and angry. Mae doesn’t usually frost her brownies. Too messy, she says. She also doesn’t go much for presentation. Normally the brownies are packed in a plastic container with a lid. Easy to shove into a backpack or locker. It occurs to me that Mae is messing with Erick. And I like it. Erick’s eyes lock onto me as I take his ticket. And this I do not like. I can see some thought forming in his lizard brain. He smiles. Mind if I leave these here?

  He asks, placing the brownies in front of me. I can trust you? Right, June? Not to stuff your face full of them?

  Mae swats at his arm. Stop that.

  But Erick’s grin just grows W I D E R. He swivels his head to Mae then back to me. You look less fat, he says to me. I noticed a bit ago and thought you must be dieting or something. Are you dieting, June?

  I stare at him unsure of what to say. I’m certain he means to out me no matter what words I find. But Erick is already back to Mae, a slick smile curling his lips. How come YOU can’t diet like HER?

  He says to Mae. Your sister knows how to lose weight. Maybe she oughtta share some of her secrets.

  Mae’s smile finally F A L L S. What is wrong with you?

  she hisses. In response, Erick’s smile gets wider, like seeing Mae unhappy has been his goal this entire time. What babe? I’m trying to help you here. You know, I like a girl with something to grab—Shockingly, Erick actually shoves a hand D O W N the front of Mae’s dress. She pushes him away. Aw, come on, baby. Don’t be like that. I was showing everyone—

  And to my horror, I realize a crowd has gathered.

  SOMEONE SPOTTED SOMETHING

  going on out here, away from the flashing lights and loud music. Then word spread. And now half the dance is crowded into the entryway watching. And Erick loves it. I was just showing everyone, how much I love those c u r v e s of yours. But I sometimes wish there was a little less FAT around them.

  He guffaws at his own joke. Some others join in. Beside me, Lacey gasps. In the crowd I see several heads shaking. I do not look at Mae. I cannot look at Mae. I search the crowd again, hoping a teacher will come. A teacher to tell everyone to go away. To tell Erick he’s expelled. Not just from school but from the entire human race. And then I see Toby. He watches the scene seemingly alone. Our eyes catch and then hold. I wait for him to step forward. To tell Erick to stop. Because someone has to and Toby can. Except he doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. Toby has secrets. Toby does not want to be seen. And suddenly I hate him. This friend of mine. So focused on protecting himself. On worrying over what he has to lose. That he stands there and lets this happen. … … … Just like I’m sitting here. Letting this happen. Unable to even look at Mae. It hits me. H A R D. I’m worse than Toby.

  I LOOK AT MAE

  The most beautiful person I know. Who sewed my dress and did my makeup and made brownies and still looks amazing. Who now has her hands clasped over her chest, where Erick reached down her dress. She doesn’t seem to notice Erick or the crowds or even me. Her gaze is turned inward but also distant. Like she’s seeing something far off that only exists for her. I look at Mae and she looks br o ke n.

  SOMETHING FLARES

  inside me. I shoot to my feet. Look in a mirror! The words shout from my mouth. You have no neck. You have a face like a stupid, ugly caveman!

  Lacey gasps. Mae stares. The crowd… LAUGHS. You tell him!

  some faceless person yells. Erick’s awful unibrow lowers, making him look even more dumb and mean than usual. And still my mouth WILL NOT STOP. Seriously, you should see yourself right now.

  Erick stares a moment longer. Then his mouth purses as if getting ready to spit. And I know whatever comes out next is gonna be awful. Dumb loser and still fat.

  He starts with this. Which seems pretty mild. As bearable as getting fat-shamed in front of half the school can be. But then it gets worse. FAT because you’re too dumb to eat less. Still fat because you ate all your sister’s cookies. Still fat even though you puke up what you eat.

  This Erick spits into my face. So close I can’t look away. But now he turns to the crowd. LOOK,

  he says, fumbling with his phone. LOOK.

  He holds it up, screen out so everyone can see.

  I COVER MY FACE

  like a coward. But I can still hear the awful choking, gagging sounds I made while barfing up Mae’s beautiful shortbread cookies. And I am not just embarrassed, I am ashamed, too. Ashamed of losing control. Ashamed of my own uncontrollable hunger. The video goes on longer than seems possible. And then when it finally ends, Erick asks, Who wants to watch it again? Ew, no,

  someone says. And then a male voice cuts in. Dude, that’s enough.

  I uncover my eyes. Once again hoping to see Toby. But, of course, it’s someone else. A football player who makes Erick look small beside him. In the high school sports pecking order, football is king. Erick quickly lets his phone fall to his side. It’s just a joke,

  he says. The football player shakes his head. I think you owe Mae and…

  He looks at me, not knowing who I am. That’s my sister, June,

  Mae says. I’d forgotten Mae was here. Or maybe I just couldn’t deal with her shame and mine all mixed up and uncovered at once. Except, Mae doesn’t seem ashamed. Or sad. Her chin is held high and her expression is one I’ve never seen before. Mae looks fierce. She takes two steps toward Erick and plucks the phone from his hand. Hey!

  He protests, but Mae flicks a scornful glance at him before focusing back on the phone. Delete.

  She says the word aloud. The awful video is gone. No one can ever watch it again. Tears fill my eyes.

  HEY!

  You had no right!

  Erick bellows this as Mae tosses his phone back at him. She spins on her heels, chest heaving. YOU had no right to come sneaking into my house, uninvited. YOU had no right to blast June’s business to the whole school. YOU had no right to ruin this entire night! But you did. And now I want you to leave.

  Mae breathes heavily. A few people clap. You tell him, someone yells. And more people SHOUT in agreement.

  I REALIZE

  with a sudden shock of surprise: the crowd is on Mae’s plus-size side. I should’ve understood when the football player came forward. But I’d thought everyone did the same math as Mae. Erick wears a varsity jacket. Mae wears clothing sizes not found in most stores. She’s lucky to have h
im. That’s what everyone thinks. Except they don’t. They see Mae. Beautiful, generous Mae. They see Erick. Nasty, ugly Erick. They see them both. And they picked the fat beautiful girl. They picked Mae.

  ERICK’S LIP CURLS

  I’m not leaving.

  Mae quickly counters. Oh yes, you are. And take your brownies, too.

  She picks up the plate, balancing it on one hand, so everyone sees it coming— except Erick —who probably can’t believe she’d do it. But Mae does it. She plants that plate of brownies in his mean face.

  THE CROWD GOES WILD

  Cheering Mae loudly, leaving no doubts how they feel. Erick grabs Mae’s arm, his fingers digging into the soft flesh. I stand, pushing my chair back with a screech. Let her go,

  I say, at the same time an adult finally comes forward. That’s enough.

  His voice has that ring of authority. The crowd parts and Mr. Mann instantly takes control. Everybody, back into the dance or I’ll tell the DJ to cut the music and turn the lights back on.

  There’s a groan, but everyone knows the best action has already passed. All at once our audience is gone. Mr. Mann examines those of us that remain. Me, still standing. Erick, still holding Mae’s arm too tight. Mae, licking chocolate frosting from her fingers without a hint of regret. And Lacey. Still sitting at the table, stunned and silent.

  IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING,

  Mr. Mann says, and there’s a hint of laughter in his voice. Suddenly, I am very glad Mr. Mann is here tonight. He is known as the guidance counselor you can tell almost

  the whole truth to. When I first saw him coming I felt sick knowing come Monday a note will arrive asking me to visit him ASAP. Because he will have heard about the video. And he will want to talk about it. As much as I dread that, another part of me knows… it’s for the best. Another part of me thinks I’ll tell Mr. Mann most of the truth. Another part of me thinks I should’ve talked to Mr. Mann a long time ago.

  TIME TO GO

  Mr. Mann tells Erick, a hand on his elbow, already guiding him toward the door. Wait! What about Mae?

  Erick points. She, she, she ASSAULTED me.

  Mr. Mann laughs. Assault? With… brownies? She did,

  Erick keeps at it. Where are you hurt?

  Mr. Mann asks, and now Erick is almost out the door. Erick hesitates. The door is closing behind him, as he finally answers, She got some frosting in my eye. It really HURTS!

  The door closes. Erick is gone.

  MY LEGS TURN TO RUBBER

  I sink into my chair. Lacey unfreezes at last. She hops to her feet. I’ll just give you two a…

  And then she’s gone, disappeared into the dance. I wonder if she’ll ever talk to me again. Suddenly, Mae’s arms wrap around me. I hug her right back. We hold one another a long time. Not crying, just breathing and surviving together. I’m sorry,

  I whisper at last. Mae pulls back a few inches, her hands still connecting us. You got nothing to be sorry for,

  she says, looking like fierce Mae again. But Erick…

  I start to say, but Mae shakes her head. Erick was awful. Maybe not at the beginning, but most of the time. And I just let him be awful. To me. And to you, June. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.

  Now it’s my turn to shake my head. No, don’t.

  Mae nods and we hug again.

  NOW WHAT?

  I ask, at last. Mae stands. Now we dance.

  She holds a hand out to me. I stare at it. Then look at the flashing lights in the gym and all the bodies moving through it. Bodies belonging to people who saw that video. Sure they were on Mae’s side, but most of them barely know me. I’ll be known forever as the puking girl. Better to get it over with,

  Mae says softly, reading my mind. She’s right. I know this. But I’m not ready. Give me a minute, please?

  Mae frowns. Then nods. A minute,

  she says, sternly. And then she goes into the gym, disappearing into the mass of bodies.

  I SIT ALONE

  trying to process everything that went down. Trying to decide where I fit and what I should do next. Eat, I realize. I should eat. Or try to eat. Like a normal person who doesn’t count bites and calories. And, I should… My thoughts stall as Toby comes out of the gym to stand before me. I stare. Are you okay? he asks, hands stuffed in his pants pockets. I shrug. Right.

  He nods. Well, I’m heading out. I thought you might wanna walk home with me.

  I can imagine it. Just like the other night. Toby and me together in the dark, holding hands, spying on anyone with open curtains, owning secrets that aren’t ours to have. What about your date? I ask. Oh. Her,

  Toby says. He grins with half his mouth. She wasn’t really my date. I was doing a favor for a friend. He’s been hooking up with her, but his girlfriend doesn’t know. So he asked me to help him out. I think they snuck away together a while ago.

  Toby laughs. Like any of this is funny. That’s awful, I say. What about his girlfriend? Toby shrugs. Well, my friend thinks she cheated on him first, so…

  Another shrug. Everyone has secrets.

  He says this like it makes everything okay. Like one secret crosses out another. So whaddya say? Toby holds out his hand. Wanna get out of here?

  I STARE AT TOBY’'S HAND

  Wanting— despite everything —to take it. June?

  Lacey calls my name. I see her standing in the doorway of the gym. I don’t know how long she’s been there. Suddenly, Toby drops his hand. Shoves it back in his pocket. I’ll be outside,

  he says to me softly, so Lacey won’t hear. And then he’s gone out the door. But not really gone. Because he’s waiting for me. Certain I won’t say no. How can he be so certain when even I don’t know what I want to do? Lacey, her head tipped to the side like a curious little bird comes toward me, cautious and uncertain. You okay? she asks. It’s funny to hear Lacey ask the same question as Toby. I give her the same lame shrug. She nods. Then her glance flickers toward the door Toby just exited through. I can see her dying to ask what he said, why he was even talking to me. He lives next door, I tell her. Lacey’s mouth falls open. This whole time? I nod. I expect her to be mad. But it’s hurt that fills Lacey’s face. But… why didn’t you tell me? she asks. I hesitate, and then tell the truth. Or part of it. He saw me puking. Outside in the shrubs in the back of my house. I was… embarrassed. Lacey gasps, a hand covering her mouth. Oh no. Oh, June. I had no idea. And all those times I went on and on about him.

  Lacey shakes her head. He’s not even that great. He’s borrowed so many pens from me. Like I have an endless supply and he never gives them back! In fact, he gave one of my pens to someone else and then asked me for another! Like that’s all I am. The girl with pens for everyone!

  Lacey stops. Frowns. But this is about you. Sorry, June. I’m sorry that jerk knew and I didn’t. I mean, I knew you didn’t eat much. I thought… it was just a diet. But I should’ve known. I should’ve seen.

  Unexpectedly, she grabs my hands. I’m so sorry, June.

  Lacey’s eyes glisten with tears. And I can see she means it. Suddenly, I can’t remember why I’ve been shutting her out all this time. Suddenly, it seems like I almost lost my best friend. Is there anything I can do? Lacey asks. Then she laughs. I mean, besides not eating your lunches for you anymore? And surprisingly, I laugh, too. It’s okay, I say. I was just gonna throw it out anyway. But Lacey shakes her head. But not anymore. June… You gotta stop this. I had a cousin with…

  Again Lacey hesitates. I can hear her holding back an uglier word. Instead she says, My cousin had eating problems and ended up in the hospital because of them. She had to drop out of college. By then, it’d been going on for years. And nobody knew. June— She squeezes my hands. We can’t let that happen to you. I squeeze back. I know, I say softly, the shame still there, keeping my voice low. I know. I’m gonna work on it and get help or whatever I need. I know it’s gotta stop.

  Lacey smiles big and wide. And then shakes herself. I forgot! Mae sent me out! She can’t
get away! Everyone wants to dance with her or give her high fives. There’s a rumor already going around that she put—

  Lacey lowers her voice to a whisper. —some poop in the brownies she splatted Erick with.

  Lacey laughs. And I can’t help but join in. She would never do that! I protest.

  Lacey waves this away. Oh, I know. But it’s so funny. Mae is like a… hero.

  I am stunned silent as a bubble of happiness grows in my chest. Anyway, Lacey flaps her hands bringing my attention back to her. Mae says to get your butt inside. Now. It’s time to dance. Lacey stands. Holds a hand out. The same way Toby did. Toby… still waiting outside for me. I can see two roads splitting, depending on which hand I take. A quiet, dark street with Toby. His hand in mine, a secret, just like the ones in every house along the road. Everyone has secrets. But I don’t. Not anymore. The whole school saw mine. And I survived. I will survive. Maybe do more than survive. Maybe it’ll even make me better. I think, for now, I’ve had enough secrets. I think it’s time to take the second road, the one with flashing lights and pounding music. The one with Mae dancing, not worrying about how she jiggles. The one with Lacey, a friend, holding out her hand, and offering to help.

  I TAKE LACEY'S HAND

  and I dance all night. Sometimes, I think about that dark road and Toby walking alone along it. But then Mae’s hip BUMPS against mine and I BUMP her back. A song comes on about powerful women loving themselves. We sing along. As loud as we can.