Broken and Beautiful

by Ryan, Kendall

  "But you had Dad and time, and you wanted to be a parent. You were ready."

  She let out a laugh. "Baby, there is no such thing as being ready to be a parent. No matter what the circumstances are." Her face grew serious. "Cole, you do have options. Becoming your mother was one of the best things that ever happened to me or your father, and we already had a baby to love. You could give that joy to another couple, one that may not be able to create their own miracle."

  “I don’t suppose you and Dad would be interested in—”

  She laughed again, harder, this time. "Absolutely not. I've already raised three perfect children. I'm done. Now, if you want to talk grandbabies, I'm open to having that discussion. You can send those home."

  I sighed, weighing both options. Twenty-four hours ago, my life was thoroughly planned out. None of those plans involved cremating the woman who gave me away or raising the child she left behind. Mom and Dad gave me a life better than I could've hoped for, and I couldn't give that to a child, not anytime soon.

  Ms. Lane returned a few minutes later, holding…me. It was like staring at one of my baby pictures come to life. He had pale skin with pink cheeks, a head full of straight, shiny dark brown hair, and bright blue eyes.

  Mom pressed her hand to her chest and whispered, “Oh my God.”

  Ms. Lane set him down on the floor, and he toddled right up to me and climbed into my lap. He leaned his head against my chest and wrapped one of his chubby fists around my thumb. My heart thumped against my rib cage, and I felt this immediate connection to this tiny stranger. I wrapped my other arm around his belly, securing him to my lap while I pressed a kiss on to his scalp. He smelled like soap, baby powder, and bananas. He began babbling and blowing raspberries, and I felt a warm line of sticky drool running across the fingers of the hand holding him to me.

  "My Lord. A spitting image," Ms. Lane said. "I'll give you a few minutes, and then we can discuss your options. I know this is a great shock for you, so just in case, we prepared a list of some local families who would be very—"

  My head snapped up.

  “No. That won’t be necessary. I’m taking him home.”

  * * *

  Back in New York, things kicked into high gear. Being related to the executive assistant of one of the richest pregnant women in the world definitely had its perks. Vittoria Widnicki was very active on social media, so despite being able to afford anything in the world for her kids, her office was bombarded with "gifts" from every company that made anything for a baby hoping it might end up in an Instagram post.

  Within days I had everything I needed to keep this kid alive, including furniture, toys, clothes, diapers, food…you name it. And since Kimberly's bosses found out they were expecting a girl, I also had boxes of expensive hand-me-down clothes from their son who was a year or two older than CJ, a name my dad had given him and kinda stuck. I had everything I needed except a clue to help me figure out what the fuck I was doing.

  Kimberly took it upon herself to sign me up for every parenting blog, bought me every how to raise a toddler book, and blew up my phone with articles about vaccinations, screen time, and something called baby-led weaning. Too bad I never had a chance to read any of them because my days and nights were filled with trying to keep up with this kid.

  He had inexhaustible energy. He hated everything I gave him to eat except grapes, that I had to slice into quarters, or these little puff thingies that came in a tube. I'd never changed a baby in my life, but now I spent half my day elbow deep in dirty diapers.

  I was part clown, part personal chef, part toxic waste disposal, part crisis aversion specialist, and I was fucking exhausted. This kid only slept for three hours at a time, day or night, and cried constantly. Mom said he most likely missed his mother and needed time to adjust, but I wasn't sure how long I could last. She and Dad helped me whenever they could though they were very clear that I had to figure this out on my own. I was doing my best. I didn't regret my decision to take CJ home for a second, but I was fucking struggling.

  "You need to start looking for a nanny, Cole." Kimberly was scraping dried carrots off of the door of my refrigerator while Adam gave CJ airplane rides around my living room. Adam was in town for the weekend, and after hanging out at my parents’ house all morning, they offered to take CJ off my hands for the afternoon. I planned to use that time to clean and organize, maybe start prepping for my return to work, but as soon as they left, I'd collapsed on the couch and slept for four hours.

  “I wouldn’t even know where to start to look for a nanny.” I yawned. “And aren’t nannies really expensive?”

  "What about putting him in daycare?" Adam asked before he lifted CJ's belly to his mouth and blew a giant raspberry. My little brother screeched and giggled. "You drop him off on your way to work and pick him up on your way home."

  "That's such a great idea, honey." Kimberly tipped over to her fiancé and kissed him on the cheek. I was too exhausted to be disgusted, and Adam's idea actually made me hopeful that there could possibly be a light at the end of this tunnel.

  "How do you find a daycare?" I asked because I was desperate for information and also to stop my sister from eye-fucking her fiancé in my living room.

  "Google is still free," she snapped, which made Adam chuckle.

  “Hey, my job has a daycare for employees. You should see if HC has one,” he suggested.

  "Thank you…Adam." I gave Kimberly a pointed look, and she narrowed her eyes at me.

  “You know, you wouldn’t have to worry about being able to afford a nanny if you would rent out your apartment,” Kimmy said.

  “Nope. Not doing it. Stop asking.”

  "What do you have down there, a sex dungeon?" she joked. Adam furrowed his brow at her.

  “Yep. It’s a sex dungeon, right out of fifteen shades of gray.”

  “It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. And that wasn’t a sex dungeon. It was a red room of pain.”

  I rolled my eyes. Adam tilted his head, still staring at her. I needed to steer this ship away from Crystal's apartment and sex dungeons.

  "Okay, well, thanks for watching CJ. He looks like he had a good time." My baby brother was now sitting on Adam's shoulders, clutching his forehead, drooling into his hair while wearing a giant gummy grin accessorized with four tiny, tic-tac-like teeth. "I'm gonna call the office and Google daycares.”

  Kimberly laughed and leaned down to kiss me on the head. “You’re doing good, Fruity Pebbles.”

  “Thanks, sis.” I smiled at her.

  “Later, man.” Adam lifted CJ off of his shoulders and handed him to me. “Later, little man.” He wiggled as Adam tickled his belly.

  Adam made a joke about buying a can of red paint, and Kimberly slapped him in the chest as he followed her out.

  “Just me and you again, buddy.”

  CJ laughed.

  It was still late afternoon, and if he didn't nap with Adam and Kimberly, there was a chance that he might fall asleep if I put him in the stroller, plus I was hungry, and there was nothing here to eat that wasn't mashed in a jar or shaped like a dinosaur. I decided to walk down the block and grab dinner.

  We ate at Settepani, where I had a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese, and CJ had a bowl of diced grapes with some puffs from the diaper bag. Afterward, we took a lap around Marcus Garvey Park with a pit stop at the playground, only then did he finally start to doze off. I made a beeline for the house, hoping I was looking at the beginning of a long afternoon nap.

  We made it to the corner when I saw Lisa walking in our direction on Seventh Avenue. She was wearing a tight running tank top with leggings that hugged and accentuated all of her soft curves. Her hair was pulled back into a long ponytail. Her cheeks and face were flushed. Every part of her body that was exposed was covered in a glossy coat of dewy sweat. She was glowing.

  I slowed down to make sure we’d reach the corner at the same time, which meant we would have to walk in the same direction toward our houses together.
/>   That’s not creepy, right?

  I didn't have time to let those thoughts process because she was a few feet away from us.

  "Hey?" she said, glancing at CJ, and it sounded like a question.

  "Hi." I tried to keep my cool, but I couldn't focus on anything except how sexy she looked in her running gear. I imagined peeling her out of those leggings, putting my face between her legs, and tasting her sweat mingled with her arousal.

  Okay, that was definitely creepy.

  I had to also remember that she hated me, and that wasn't going to change any time soon. It took a Herculean effort, but I focused on her face with its big brown eyes that were flecked with gold when the sun hit them, long dark feathery lashes, her rounded nose with a slightly upturned tip, like someone had sewn a button on the end of it… I blinked and decided to speak. "I didn't know you were a runner. Are you a runner? How long have you been running? I mean, like in years or months, not how long have you been running today."

  Smooth, Cole. Very smooth.

  She gave me an incredulous look and almost cracked a smile. That was the second time I came close to making her smile.

  “I wouldn’t exactly call myself a runner. I just do a couple laps around the park a few times a week.”

  "Yeah." I nodded. "Running is a great way to stay in shape. Not that you need to stay in shape." My words made her chin dip, and she raised her eyebrows at me. "I mean, you look great. Not that I'm looking. I mean, I see what you look like—"

  "I know I look great, and staying in shape isn’t the only reason to exercise.”

  "Yeah, I know," I stammered, "I didn't mean to be rude. I'm not a creep, I promise." Every thought I had about Lisa since we turned the corner would beg to differ. "My brain isn't working, and I'm exhausted." I motioned to CJ with the hand that wasn't pushing the stroller.

  Did I just throw my sleeping seventeen-month-old brother under the bus?

  Yup.

  She looked into the stroller and smiled. It was a genuine smile. I was used to women smiling at me and CJ on our walks, but this one felt different.

  “He’s a cutie,” she cooed.

  I stopped the stroller so she could crouch in front of him.

  "Oh, I'm sorry. It's he, right?" She looked up at me, and I nodded. "I didn't know you had a son." She stroked the back of CJ's hand tenderly with the pad of her index finger.

  “Oh, he’s not my son. He's my brother.”

  She stood and faced me. "This baby isn't your son?" She pointed at my sleeping doppelgänger and put her hands on her hips.

  "No. This baby isn't." I glared at her defiantly. I could have explained my atypical family situation, but I'd spent my whole life doing that, and after our last few exchanges, I didn't owe Lisa an explanation.

  Besides, everything was too fresh, too raw. One of the many good things about having CJ come into my life when he did is that I didn't have time for self-pity when I was reading Goodnight, Moon for the fifth time in a row or keeping pint-sized Evel Knievel from diving headfirst off of the couch. I barely thought about Crystal and definitely never talked about her, not even to my family.

  I continued to push the stroller towards my house and away from Lisa.

  “He looks like the Boba Fett to your Jango Fett.”

  I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned to face her.

  “Was that a Star Wars reference?”

  Before she could answer me, I heard a familiar voice.

  “Hi, you two!” Kimberly and Adam were walking towards us from the opposite direction, hand in hand. “Were you guys out together?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “No!” we answered in unison. Kimberly’s eyes darted between us.

  “You two know each other?” Lisa asked.

  “Unfortunately,” Kimberly joked. “Cole’s my brother.”

  She mouthed my name silently, and it was barely perceptible. If I wasn't staring at her mouth, I might have missed the way her lips wrapped around the "o" in my name. "Your brother?" she said louder.

  “Older brother,” I added, grinning down at her, wanting to savor every moment of Lisa’s dawning realization.

  "Calm down. You're older by three months, Fruity Pebbles." Kimmy rolled her eyes. Lisa's confusion was palpable, and since Kimberly generally saved her ball busting for her relatives, she gave her the TL:DR version of how she ended up with a white brother. I would've made Lisa squirm a little longer, especially if it wiped the smug look off her face. To be fair, the smug look I was giving her probably gave hers a run for its money.

  I could tell Kimmy wanted to stick around to get more information about how Lisa and I ended up on the sidewalk together, but Adam gave her hand a tug and guided her up the stairs to her brownstone.

  Lisa and I continued down the sidewalk for a few steps, side by side, not really walking together, but headed to the same destination. She stopped in front of the gate leading to her apartment.

  “So, this is really your little brother?” she asked, her expression was decidedly less sanctimonious.

  “Yup.” I nodded. For emphasis, CJ heaved one of those huge sleeping baby sighs, which makes you terrified for a split second that they’re waking up before they settle deeper into sleep.

  “Wow, I feel like an asshole.” She tucked her lips between her teeth and looked up at me through her lashes.

  Damn, she was beautiful when she wasn’t mad at me. What the fuck was I saying? She was beautiful then, too. “Well,” I began. “You should be.” I grinned down at her. She narrowed her eyes at me and huffed out a chuckle that ended with a grin. I felt my smile stretch even wider.

  “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry.”

  “Is this you apologizing?” I asked. She narrowed her eyes at me again. “I could review the four components of a proper apology if you want.”

  “Really? It’s gonna be like that?”

  “I don’t know. Is it?”

  “What does that mean?”

  "Tell me what I said to offend you, then we can both apologize, properly, and start fresh." I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her response. Her face fell.

  “You know what? Why don’t we just call it even? You were an asshole to me. I was an asshole to you. We’ll let bygones be bygones and just be neighbors.”

  “What if I don’t want to let bygones be bygones?”

  "Goodbye, Cole." Her mouth wrapped around the "o" in my name again. She put the key in the lock of her door and called over her shoulder, "You shouldn't let him sleep too late. You'll have a hard time putting him to bed tonight."

  * * *

  "Okay, buddy. You're okay. I'm here," I crooned to the howling toddler wrapped in my arms. I was doing a rocking/bouncing combination that worked last night but didn't do a damn thing to calm him tonight.

  It was two in the morning, and my new roommate was doing his nightly screaming routine. I did everything I could think of. I walked him, rocked him, and ran the vacuum cleaner. Now someone was banging on the door. I barely heard the noise over CJ’s screams. Did one of the neighbors call the cops? The word neighbor rolled around my head like a marble.

  “Just be neighbors.”

  It was strange that her face floated into my consciousness at that moment because it was her face that I saw when I went to the door with CJ still wailing.

  I opened the door, and before I could ask her what she was doing here, she took CJ from my arms and began bouncing and shushing him.

  "I tried that, he doesn't…" I trailed off because she was ignoring me. She walked straight into my kitchen and put CJ in his high chair. Then she grabbed an ice cube from the freezer, wrapped it in a clean dish towel, beat it with a spoon to crush it, and handed it to CJ. He put it in his mouth and started gnawing on it…quietly. I couldn't believe it.

  “He’s teething,” she said.

  She washed her hands in the sink and indicated that I should do the same. I would've chopped off my leg and given it to her at that point. We walked over to CJ,
who was still going to town on the dishcloth. She removed it from his mouth and showed me a couple of red lumps on his gums.

  “Damn. Those are teeth?”

  "’Fraid so." She nodded and walked over to the far counter in my kitchen and grabbed a notepad and pen. "They're pushing through his gums, and it's gonna be painful." After a few minutes, she handed me a scribbled list.

  “What’s this?”

  “The stuff you’ll need if you ever want to sleep again for the next few months.”

  I scanned the list. Unbelievable. With all of the free baby crap I was given in the last week, I didn’t have one thing from this list.

  “Can I get all this stuff at Rite Aid?” It was the only place I could think of that would be open now. She nodded. “Should I go now? I’d have to get him dressed. I’d have to get dressed.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep an eye on…” She raised her eyebrows at me.

  “Oh, CJ.”

  “CJ?”

  "It stands for Cole Jr. My dad gave him that name because we look so much alike." I shrugged.

  “Okay, well, CJ and I will be right here when you get back.”

  I ran to the Rite Aid on 125th Street, clutching the list in one hand. I ran up to the first person I saw in a blue vest with a nametag.

  "Hi. I need infant Tylenol, Orajel for babies, baby washcloths, and teething rings?"

  "Aisle eight, on the left-hand side for the washcloths, Orajel, and teething rings, and aisle six for baby Tylenol."

  “Okay.” I nodded. “Thanks.”

  "How old is the baby?" She seemed like a very nice person, and it probably gets very boring working the late shift in a deserted drug store, but I was in a hurry.

  "He's seventeen months," I answered, edging toward the center of the store.

  “Oh, yeah.” She nodded. “That’s when it gets bad. Your wife sent you out for reinforcements?” She chuckled.

  "Um, no, not exactly."

  "Oh, okay. Well. You let me know if you need any help."

  I froze on the spot. At that moment, I realized that I had left CJ with a virtual stranger that probably hated me. What kind of person just shows up at someone's house in the middle of the night to take care of their baby? And she was way too comfortable in my kitchen. What the hell was I thinking?