“Hey.” Cole was still sitting on the couch. “Didn’t you have to talk to me about something?”
The nervous, excited butterflies I felt after I tucked CJ in and waited for Cole to come home had died and were lying in a putrefying heap in the pit of my stomach. What the hell had I been thinking? I couldn’t tell him now.
It's funny that you just asked me to pretend to want to marry you because I'm actually in love with you and won't be pretending.
"Um, well." My brain whirred desperately trying to grasp on to something, anything that would make sense. "The end of the month is almost here, and I thought I could move in next week."
“Oh yeah, sure.” His expression told me that he wasn’t buying that explanation, but he didn’t question me. “I can help you move on Sunday.”
"Actually, I'd rather do it myself—I mean, hire someone to help me—while you're at work."
“Okay.” It was the first time I’d ever heard someone disappointed about not being able to help someone move. “If you’re sure.”
"I'm sure." I walked toward the door, and though I didn't turn around, I could feel Cole's presence behind me.
I walked home, feeling Cole’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. Fully clothed, I flopped into my bed and cried until I fell asleep, forgetting to wear my CPAP again.
20
cole
Lisa spent the rest of the week avoiding me, and I couldn't blame her. Asking her to pretend to be in love with me after I knew how her marriage ended and that her ex was getting remarried was a shitty thing to do. I was also sure that I'd ruined my chances of having any shot at Lisa and me getting together for real. Asking the woman you love to pretend to love you to perpetrate a fraud on the New York State Judicial System wasn't the best way to kick off a healthy relationship.
She still made me coffee every morning, but instead of waiting in the kitchen to give it to me, I found it resting on the countertop while she sat on the couch reading on her tablet. Videos of CJ's daily adventures were still sent to me, but when I would reply, she would leave me on read. Yes, I turned on the read receipts for all of her messages.
She moved her stuff in on Friday. I only knew because when I got home, she gave me a mechanical recap of her day with CJ and went upstairs instead of to the front door. Every night, after I watched her leave, I would find a plate of food wrapped up for me in the fridge.
I couldn’t sleep knowing that Lisa was down the hall and that she probably hated me. And like before, I had no one to blame but myself.
The pillow she slept on both nights she was in my bed still hadn't been washed. I slept with it every night. It still carried the faint smell of sweat and shampoo, or maybe I imagined it.
CJ's whimper on the baby monitor pulled me out of my late-night thoughts. I jumped up, ran down the hall to find Lisa already holding him and rocking side to side. She hummed softly and planted light kisses on the side of his head. Her face fell when she saw me standing in the doorway, and my heart clenched.
"Hey, I heard him on the baby monitor, so…" I stepped forward to reach out for CJ, and he swatted my hands away.
Lisa chuckled, and though it wasn't the usual laugh that lit up her whole face, it was good to see her smile again. "It's fine. That's why I'm here, isn't it?" Her smile faded, and she looked up at me with her eyebrow raised.
“No, I mean, yes, but—”
“We’re fine. Say goodnight, CJ.”
"Nye," a tiny little voice said. Lisa and I stared at each other, all awkwardness and anger were forgotten.
“Did he just say a word? Like an actual word?” I asked her.
"Yeah," she laughed, and it was a real one.
“Has he done this before?”
"No." She shook her head, still smiling. "I mean, he babbles a lot, but no words."
"Hold on. I'm gonna grab my phone. Let's see if we can get him to repeat it." I ran down the hall to my bedroom, grabbed my phone, and got back to the nursery just in time to see Lisa rocking CJ again with a finger to her lips. His head rested heavily on her shoulder, and his eyes were closed. She gave me an apologetic look and mouthed the word "sorry" as she leaned over the rail of his crib and laid him down. Her smile faded when she stood up to face me.
“Hey,” I reached up to rub my hair. “Do you wanna talk or something? I feel like things have been weird between us all week.”
“Actually, I should go back to bed. We’re going ring shopping tomorrow, remember?”
"Hey, Lisa—" But I was interrupted by the door to the bathroom that connected hers and CJ's bedrooms closing.
* * *
The next morning, I found Lisa in the kitchen wearing her running gear. CJ was still asleep.
“Good morning.”
“Hey.”
“On your way out?”
“Yeah. Headed to your family’s for breakfast?”
“Yup… You know you can come, too.”
“That’s okay. I’m gonna meet up with Sasha after my run, but I’ll meet you downtown?”
“Sure.”
“Bye.” She turned and walked out of the door.
* * *
“What’s wrong with you?” My sister had caught me daydreaming after breakfast at our parents’ house.
“Huh? Nothing.”
"Something." Kimberly shot Adam a look, and he took CJ out of his chair.
“Come on, little man. Let’s go see what Pop-pop Reggie is doing.”
Mom was in her study, and Dad was in the sitting room.
“I think I did something bad,” I said once we were alone.
I told her about Susan Charing’s idea, my conversation with Lisa last week and her reaction.
“Have you talked to Dad about this?”
“No.”
“You should.”
“Probably. But what should I do about Lisa?”
“Cole, I don’t know. You asked a newly divorced woman that you slept with and is working for you to pretend to be your fiancée.”
“I feel like an asshole, but if I get CJ, I can’t regret it. I wish she wasn’t so pissed at me.”
“It sounds like she understands, but it’s still a shitty situation. Maybe just give her time.” She shrugged.
“Can you help me with something?”
“Something else?”
“It’s about the family vacation.”
Kimberly threw her head back and laughed. “No,” she deadpanned.
“Come on.”
“Fine, but only because I feel bad for wiping the floor with you when it came time to vote.”
* * *
Lisa met us at a gluten-free bakery near Rockefeller Center. She let CJ dig his finger into the icing on the cupcake she was eating and smiled at him.
"I got you a coffee." She handed me a cup, didn't wait for me to say thank you, and walked out of the bakery holding the door open for the stroller.
We walked in silence to the Tiffany and Co., entered the store where we were immediately approached by a sales clerk.
"Hi, we're looking for engagement rings," I said in a voice utterly devoid of excitement.
“Ah, yes!” The clerk was a Black woman in her late twenties with shoulder length dreadlocks and bright red lipstick. “Congratulations. You have a beautiful little family here.” She beamed at Lisa and me. We gave her weak smiles in return. Her cheerful expression faltered. “Well, we have our classic solitaires here…”
Neither of us said a word.
"Have you decided what kind of shape you were interested in?" She tried again. "There are round, emerald cut, cushion cut, heart-shaped—"
“No,” Lisa and I both said in unison.
"Okay. No heart-shaped." The sales clerk chuckled.
Lisa and I smiled at each other, but it was short-lived.
“What do you think?” I asked.
She shrugged. "Something simple, I guess."
“How about this one?” She held up a plain silver band with a
square diamond.
Lisa shrugged again and bounced CJ on her hip. He pointed at the glass case next to the one the held the engagement rings and shouted something that sounded like “budt.”
"What was that, buddy?" I asked.
“Budt!” He pointed again. “Budt!”
"I think he means that." Lisa pointed to a ring with a giant ladybug where a diamond would be on a usual ring. "We saw some ladybugs in the park this week."
I nodded at the sales clerk. Her face fell as she reached into the case.
“This isn’t really considered an engagement ring.”
I wanted to tell her this wasn't really an engagement, but instead, I took the ring and held it out to Lisa for inspection.
"Budt!" CJ exclaimed and swiped it out of my hand and put it in his mouth. He coughed once, twice, then looked at me with his patented gummy grin. "Budt!" he said again, and he pointed to his belly.
"Shit! Fuck. Shit." I shoved my finger in his mouth and felt around for the ring, knowing it was gone. I looked at Lisa, and my panic was reflected in her expression.
"Um, did your baby just swallow that ring?" The sales clerk leaned over the counter, and all three of us began to panic. CJ was the only one who seemed unaffected.
“We have to go to the emergency room right now,” Lisa said in a stern voice.
A small crowd formed. The clerk reached for a telephone next to the register. “I have to call my manager. I don’t think I can let you leave with the ring.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Lisa screeched. “This baby needs to get to the hospital.”
I stepped in front of Lisa, shielding her from the sales clerk, but more likely shielding the sales clerk from her. I opened my wallet and handed her CJ’s insurance card.
"Take him to Lenox Hill, and I'll meet you there."
“Sir, I can’t—” the clerk began again.
"I'll pay for the ring," I shot at her and put my credit card on the counter. Lisa cast one last angry glance at the sales clerk before she ran out of the store, hailed a cab on Fifth Avenue, and disappeared with CJ in her arms.
The ring was less than six hundred bucks, so at least CJ had inexpensive taste, and it explained why the sales clerk tried to steer us back to the engagement rings. The clerk, whose name was Kaia, tried to apologize but I wouldn’t let her. She had nothing to be sorry about and I couldn’t be upset with her. This was a fucked up situation and I doubted there was an employee training video detailing proper protocol when a customer swallows the merchandise. I also practically handed CJ the ring, knowing his propensity for putting small objects in his mouth.
I signed the receipt, dragged our stroller outside, and hailed my own taxi and directed the driver to Lenox Hill's emergency room feeling guilty, terrified, and sick to my stomach.
* * *
I found them in a large room filled with gurneys separated by a curtain. Lisa sat on a stretcher with CJ on her lap playing some kind of clapping game while a South Asian man in scrubs placed a stethoscope on his belly.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked. I was out of breath and buzzing with adrenaline.
"Hi," the man with the stethoscope said. "I'm Dr. Choudry. I'm the pediatrician on duty. I'm just going to give little CJ here a preliminary exam. Then we'll send him upstairs for an X-ray, and figure out our next steps."
“What are the possible next steps?” I asked.
"Well, best-case scenario, he will pass it naturally, and we'll find a costly present in his diaper." He laughed at his joke, and Lisa and I glanced at each other, not amused. "Worst-case scenario, the ring could cause an obstruction, and we'd have to remove it with a surgical procedure."
The blood drained from my face, and I felt light-headed. I guided myself into the nearest chair and sat down.
"But most likely he'll pass it naturally. Babies swallowing things they shouldn't is fairly common. CJ seems fine and doesn't seem to be in any pain or distress, but either way, we'll keep him for observation until the issue is resolved." He patted me on the shoulder, and I jumped. "Don't be too hard on yourself. Like I said, it's fairly common. I'll order an X-ray." He walked away, pulling the curtain closed behind him.
A short while later, a nurse appeared with a clipboard. “Are you the dad?” she asked me.
"No, brother," I mumbled. Her brow furrowed. "Legal guardian. Are these for me?" I motioned to the stack of papers attached to the clipboard. She nodded and handed them to me before leaving me alone with Lisa.
"I can't believe someone is gonna give me a kid." I leaned forward, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Shut up.”
I looked up at Lisa, and she was grinning. "What?" I asked.
"Shut up. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone." She started to laugh. "One of my brothers liked to stick things up his nose—marbles, rocks, dimes, Legos, peanuts. It was the worst. I think he's responsible for half of my mom's gray hair."
I laughed with her, relieved at the possibility that I wasn't the worst guardian on the planet. CJ would most likely be okay, and I was also relieved to see Lisa smile.
We both accompanied CJ upstairs for his X-rays, and he was so brave. My fingers twitched towards Lisa's hand, and she curled her fingers around my palm and squeezed without questioning me. We continued to hold hands as we waited for the results of the X-ray.
CJ would most likely pass the ring on his own. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. Dr. Choudry gave him a mild diuretic to help things along, but there was nothing left to do but wait.
An hour passed. CJ had fallen asleep in the hospital crib while Lisa read a book on her tablet. She caught me looking at her and gave me a small smile.
“Hey,” I whispered to her across CJ’s sleeping form. She raised her eyebrows and lowered her tablet. “Do you want to come on our family vacation next month?”
“What? No, it’s a family vacation.”
"Well, technically, when CJ poops out that ring, you'll be family, and according to your employment contract, you would need to provide six weeks’ notice for vacation time, barring emergencies, so if CJ goes to Barbados, you go to Barbados…according to the contract you had drawn up.” I grinned at her.
“I thought you didn’t read it.” She narrowed her eyes at me.
"Lisa, I would never sign anything without knowing what it said, and I read pretty quickly.” I winked at her.
"This sounds like you're trying to force me to go to Barbados. They have a word for that." She narrowed her eyes at me. I worried that I'd pushed her too far. It had only been three hours since the last time she looked at me like she wanted to kill me, and we were also sitting in the pediatric ward of a hospital waiting for a nineteen-month-old baby to pass a potentially lethal foreign object.
“You didn’t mind being kidnapped the last time.” I raised an eyebrow.
She narrowed her eyes agin and shook her head at me. “I’ve never been to Barbados,” she mused. “Is it nice?”
"I've never been, but my aunt and sister love it. Does that mean you want to come?"
"I've never met anyone in your family beside Kimberly. Won't it be awkward?"
"No, but you have a few weeks to meet everybody, and my family is gonna love you. Oh shit, I forgot to ask you, with everything going on."
“You wanted to ask me something else. Do you want one of my kidneys?”
“No, but if you’re offering body parts, I could think of—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” She smirked. “What did you want to ask me?”
“My mom and my aunt have some books that they want your mom to sign. It’s okay to say no.”
“Really?” She laughed again. “My mom would love that.”
“Seriously? I’ve never seen my mom so excited about anything. We should definitely bring them when you meet her.”
“Are you worried about your family not liking me?”
"Not at all." My fingers twitched to s
cratch my scalp, and I stopped myself. "You're impossible not to like."
I should know, I thought to myself, I’ve tried.
Our eyes met, and we gazed at each other for a moment before she wrinkled her nose.
“Do you smell that?”
We looked at CJ. He let out a soft grunt followed by a sigh, without waking from his nap. Lisa leaned forward and quickly backed away with her face scrunched up, and nodded.
A nurse came, checked CJ's diaper, and gave us a thumbs-up. My shoulders dropped, my stomach unknotted, and contagious laughter of relief flooded CJ's hospital room.
Thirty minutes later, Dr. Choudry reappeared.
"As you know, he passed the ring. We didn't detect any blood in his stool. We'll monitor him for another hour or so, and then you can take him home. You would just need to be aware of any blood in the diaper, fever, vomiting, nausea, excessive lethargy. You should also take him for a follow-up exam at his pediatrician in a few days, but overall, I think CJ's gonna be just fine. Okay?"
"Thank you, Doctor."
* * *
Two hours later, Lisa, CJ, and I were in a cab headed uptown with Lisa's unique fake engagement ring in a specimen cup. It was a far cry from the pale blue Tiffany box, but nothing about any situation I found myself in for the last three months could be considered conventional, so why would this be any different?
When we got home, I tucked the ring into the drawer in the foyer table and promised Lisa that I’d send it out to be cleaned.
Something shifted between us. I wasn't sure exactly where I stood with Lisa, but I was convinced that she hated me a little less than she did this morning, so I'd take it.
21
lisa
"Hi, Mami." My mother called me at eight a.m. She loved three things about my new job. The first was the proximity of the handsome man she'd cast as my co-star in her own fabricated love story. Secondly, the odds of me getting kidnapped had been reduced significantly. The third and her favorite: I was always wide awake when she called me first thing in the morning.
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