Pumpkins and Potions

by Tegan Maher

  The obvious place was behind the diagonally placed love seat and recliners. All three of them ducked down. Eyes locked on the front door. Nann didn’t hear feet on the porch, but then she hadn’t when Tink and Zinnia crept up on her. After what seemed like a long time, nothing happened.

  From behind the love seat, Nann looked at her friends. Zinnia hiked a shoulder. Tink spread her palms upward. Well, there had been a lot of vampire sightings around Calamity Corners lately—

  A shape appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. Nann saw the sway of long, straight hair, the glint of red in the dim light. The tight black dress boasted a plunging V of deathly white skin. And cleavage. The slit up the dress’ side revealed thigh-high boots. Sexy vampire in the house.

  From the lack of light and draped hair, Nann couldn’t make out the face. Was it Jeanette? Esme? It couldn’t be—both of them were still at the joint meeting. So who?

  As the sexy vamp crossed through a rectangle of light, Nann saw a shoebox in the creature’s hand. She looked at Zinnia behind the recliner on her right. Zinn made a “see?” face. Okay, sure, there was a shoebox. Then the tiny blonde’s eyes shifted, wide in fear.

  She peeked over the top of the loveseat. Inches from Nann’s eyes, a red wig filled her vision. She felt the slight shift of the little couch as the vampire sat. Oh. My. Gawdess!

  Nann tried to quiet her breathing even though her heart beat like a heavy metal bass drum. Both Tink and Zinnia gave her stricken, pale expressions. Not only had they broken into a house, they were now trapped there by a vampire who was separated from Nann only by the thickness of the loveseat’s back.

  A soft, hollow sound followed. Nann knew it to be the lid taken off the shoebox. And then a loud fart.

  Zinnia clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes full of insane mirth and fear at the same time. Tink turned away, and Nann knew if their eyes met, both of them would giggle. But Nann knew who the sexy vampire was.

  “Sorry. Sucks getting old. You three can come out now.”

  “What are you doing, Helen?” Nann stood up, hoping to avoid a gassing. Thoughts of stinkiness fled as she saw the gun in Helen’s hand.

  “I want all three of you where I can see you.” Helen clicked back the revolver’s hammer.

  “What are you doing, Helen?” Nann, Tink and Zinnia stood in front of the vampire, hands raised.

  “Improvising,” Helen said. “I wasn’t expecting visitors.”

  “You really killed two men for the festival money?” Nann said.

  Helen’s head angled, the straight hair draping over her face. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Obviously not,” Zinnia said. “Not with that vampire costume. You got the boots wrong.”

  “Shut up, girly. I’m not above shooting you all first.”

  Nann got it, though. “It’s a frame-up. You couldn’t pass yourself off as Jeanette, but you could pass yourself off as Jeanette playing sexy vampire.”

  Helen smiled. She didn’t even have fake fangs in. “That tramp. Of course anyone would suspect her of some sick, perverted, kinky sex games.”

  “Hey!” Zinnia couldn’t help herself.

  The muzzle of the gun traveled toward Zinnia, and she shut up.

  “What now? Plant the money and call the cops?” Tink said.

  Nann silently willed Tink to shut up. Helen hadn’t come here armed just to plant evidence. Now she had witnesses to contend with. Before Helen could respond, headlights shifted rhombuses of light across the gleaming floor. Jeanette was home.

  “Anybody shouts a warning, and I’ll plug you,” Helen said.

  Nobody shouted. After a few moments, Jeanette opened the front door and turned on the light. She blinked a few times at the four women in her living room. Then she focused on the gun aimed at her.

  “Shut the door and sit down, Jeanette,” Helen gestured with the gun.

  Jeanette froze in place. “I don’t understand.”

  “Shut the door and sit down.” Helen pointed the gun at Nann. Nann’s eyes crossed at the nearness of the gun barrel. “Or I’ll shoot this one first, and then the others until you listen.”

  With exaggerated slowness, Jeanette closed the door and moved closer. “What’s this about, Helen?”

  “Lord, you are so stupid!” Helen said. “I have a box of cash on the couch and a gun aimed at you. What do you think this is about? Sit. Down.”

  Jeanette folded her arms. “I think I want you out of my house.”

  “This only works if you’re sitting down. Fine.” She sighted down the barrel at Nann. Nann could only look back in horror.

  “Okay, okay, I’ll sit down!” Jeanette held her hands up in surrender. “You don’t want to hurt anyone, Helen.”

  When the gun lowered, Nann frowned at Jeanette. “You are stupid. Helen swapped Ted’s blood thinner for sugar pills and snuck peanuts into Mike’s hamburger. I think she definitely is not above hurting anyone.”

  “Smart girl,” Helen said. She turned to Tink. “You. Beanpole. Take this box and hand it to Jeanette. No tricky moves.”

  Jeanette took the open box and looked inside. “This isn’t all the money from the Fall Festival.”

  Helen sneered. “Of course it’s not. You just take the pen and pad out of the box. I want you to write ‘I’m sorry.’ Just that. Do it, Jeanette.”

  Nann could only watch Jeanette write with a shaky hand. Each letter brought the inevitable nearer. Helen would shoot Jeanette and make it look like a suicide. Then, she would shoot Tink, Zinnia and Nann. She thought furiously.

  “It isn’t going to work, Helen,” Nann said, still thinking, trying to buy time.

  Helen looked up from watching Jeanette write. “The police will make up their own theory. Maybe three disgruntled chamber members confronted Jeanette. She killed them before shooting herself.”

  “Except we’re not disgruntled,” Nann said. “Tink isn’t even a member. I got my check back. When I did, I should’ve known it was you. Why wouldn’t the check get deposited, unless someone already knew the festival would be cancelled?”

  Zinnia shrugged. “I’m disgruntled. I’m out two hundred fifty bucks.”

  Helen turned back to Jeanette. She peered in the shoebox and nodded. “That will do.”

  “Why are you doing this, Helen?” Jeanette’s expression hung in confusion.

  “You don’t know?” Helen aimed the gun. “I’ve given my whole working life to the chamber. And what do you so-called volunteers do? You cut my hours. You cut my benefits. After all the errands, all the fetching, all the lunch orders. You never even paid me mileage. I must have made a thousand bank deposits even though the chamber treasurer was the VP of our bank. I’ve gone to the pharmacy as many as three times in one day to get Ted’s prescription filled right—and he works in the building next door. And you. You just sit there, looking pretty, writing deposit slips for cash and I always, always have to re-do the math. It’s simple arithmetic! Use a damn calculator if you need to!”

  Jeanette winced away from the gun as it neared her right temple.

  “Wrong hand!” Nann stopped her.

  Helen gave her the hairy eyeball. Nann pointed at the pen in the box. “She’s a lefty.”

  With a little shrug and a tight smile, Helen moved around the chair to Jeanette’s left. She raised the gun. Jeanette’s eyes squeezed shut, shedding tears.

  What could they do?

  Tink slowly lowered her right hand. She touched the pocket beneath her name tag. Nann saw the shop goblin’s face darken, beads of sweat popping out.

  The gun made a loud snap! But it didn’t fire. Tink had put the kibosh on it. But an instant later, Tink gave her frightened eyes and a head shake. She couldn’t do it again. They had a few seconds, but what could they do? Zinnia could change into an alligator and hide under the couch. That might save her for a little while. But Nann was all talked out and Tink looked ready to fall down following her effort.

  “Damn it!” Helen twisted the cylinder in the gun.
It popped open. She closed it with a click. The barrel touched Jeanette’s head.

  This was it. They were done.

  She would never get closer to Keith. Who would take care of Pokey? What would happen to the bookstore?

  Lights flickered out, and a chill breeze filled the room. Nann felt her hair stand on end. Outside, lightning streaked. The flash materialized a menacing figure in red and white. Blood red hair flowed upward, defying gravity. Glowing red eyes glowered. Ruby lips pulled back to reveal animal fangs. All this against corpse-white skin.

  Marquise Charlotte floated in the room in a horrific aspect Nann had never seen before. A clawed finger pointed at Helen. “Charlatan! Putain! I may be temporarily imprisoned, but there can be but one vampire in Calamity Corners! C’est moi!”

  Helen let out a strangled squeak as the vampire closed with her. The gun went off, making everyone in the room give a similar strangled squeak. Helen fired again. Charlotte reached out, her hand brushing Helen’s face. At once, Helen crumpled to the floor in a pile.

  Real vampire gazed down at fake vampire. Charlotte smiled. But the smile faded when she turned to Nann.

  “Tu m’es redevable,” Charlotte said, “grâve.”

  With that the vampire vanished. Nann didn’t speak French, but she thought she understood the meaning.

  It took a moment for the women to react. Jeanette dumped the box of money on top of the unconscious Helen as she jumped up. Tink sidled over and kicked the gun across the floor. They all gathered around her still form.

  “Is she?...” Zinnia made a face.

  As if in response, Helen let out a long fart. Everyone took a step back.

  “I think she fainted.” Tink waved the air in front of her face.

  Nann fished out her cell phone. She had Keith on speed dial.

  Saturday, Oct. 31

  The turn-out for the Fall Festival matched the spectacular weather. It was a warm day, with great fluffy clouds marching shadows across the booth tops. Their booth was just down the street from the temporary stage set up in front of Town Hall. The bluegrass band had thankfully stopped twanging away. Nann actually managed to make her money back by selling a bunch of signed local history books, tarot decks and crystals. Zinnia, on the other hand, was making bank.

  “Awesome, you’re just down the street from us?” Zinnia chatted with a customer.

  The man was opening yet another Italian restaurant in town. He held two framed paintings, one a close up of pizza that looked like a landscape, the other a highly realistic painting of spaghetti and meatballs. “We’ll be neighbors. Do you like Italian food, Nann?”

  He was older, his wife eyeing a jewelry booth across the way with their two teenaged daughters. It felt good, the town coming back to life. “Hey, any neighbor with pizza is a friend of mine,” she said.

  “Is pizza your favorite?”

  “Cannelloni,” Nann said.

  “We make the best in town!” the guy said. “Plus, my wife and the girls, they’re big readers. I’m sure you’ll see a lot of them.”

  The man and his family left. Zinnia put a bunch of bills in her cash box. “Y’know, I always figured there was an actual vampire around here. But seeing it in person? Holy. Cow. She seemed to know you.”

  Nann still hadn’t let on that the actual vampire was Zinnia’s actual upstairs neighbor. “Yeah, well, Druids—we meet all sorts of interesting people.”

  Zinnia gave her a doubtful look. She stood up. “I need to get some more meat on a stick. Maybe a sausage sandwich or three. You want anything?”

  “I’m good. I wanna pack up soon. Things seem to be winding down. Plus, the moon, right?”

  “You don’t want to miss the parade and costume contest, do you?” Zinnia searched her purse for money. “People go all out.”

  “I’ve gotta get my bonfires lit, say goodbye to the bright half of the year.” Nann shrugged. “It’s a thing.”

  She manned the booth while Zinnia hunted for meat. People stopped by to browse, mostly at Zinnia’s paintings. Usually, Zinn painted two things, pizza and alligators. Recently, she had branched out into other food items. Nann especially admired the still life of cherry pie.

  “Hey, sweetie.”

  She looked up to find Keith sliding around the table and into the booth. He gave her a long smooch.

  “You’re not mad at me?”

  He made a face. “You couldn’t know Helen was bedbug crazy. I still don’t buy your story about why you were there in the first place, but I’m sure Jeanette Knox is glad you were.”

  “Hey, do you—” Nann stopped herself. She was being stupid.

  “Do I what?”

  Nann blew out her cheeks. “Have any allergies?”

  Keith’s brows knit. “You know I do. You’re the one who turned me onto the herbal tea and local honey cure for hay fever, remember? It was back when you found out you had an allergy to food pollen.”

  “That’s right!” Nann stood up. She threw her arms around him. They were close! Not just passing close! She locked lips with him, nearly knocking him over.

  When they broke, he took a deep breath. “Wow, if I get that kind of reaction, let me tell you about my ingrown toenail.”

  “Yes, I want to know all about your ingrown toenail. I want to know about any weird fungal infections, any embarrassing acne, the whole thing.”

  “If you weren’t busy with the festival, I’m free for the weekend. The case is closed. We recovered the money, we arrested a murderer, and Helen’s in the state hospital.” He lifted his palms. “Time off.”

  Nann’s heart lifted so high, she nearly forgot to breathe. “I was going to light some ceremonial bonfires and stare at the stars tonight. You in?”

  “Might there be canoodling?”

  She smiled. “Indeed there might be.”

  “Hey, Nann. I thought you were packing up.” Zinnia returned, balancing a bunch of paper food containers. “Oh, hey, Deputy Sexy Pants.”

  Keith gave her a cop stare. Zinnia sat down, looking abashed.

  “I’ll take it as a compliment,” he said. “This thing closes at seven. Should I meet you at seven-thirty?”

  “Seven-thirty, and fully flirty.” She gave him a quick kiss.

  After Keith disappeared in the throng, Zinnia took a ferocious bite of meat on a stick. “All right, Nann! Getting some! Woof!”

  Nann gave her the side-eye. “I think it must be close to alligator time.” It was nearly six-thirty, the sun about to set. She had no idea what time the moon would be full.

  “I’m gonna eat this,” Zinnia said, “and then go hide.”

  She grabbed a box and started putting the remains of her bookstore fair inside it. Nann was happy to see there wasn’t much left. Zinnia had sold nearly all her paintings. She even sold a couple of the alligator ones. It was less to carry back to the store, even if it was only four blocks away.

  A trumpet fanfare sounded, and a murmur moved through the crowd.

  “What’s that?” Nann asked.

  Zinnia chewed down a sausage sandwich. “Costume parade,” she said around a full mouth. After chewing and swallowing, she continued, “The costume judging follows. It’s always a hoot. You don’t wanna miss it.”

  “I kinda do. I’ve got a hot date waiting for me, and I smell like barbecue and cotton candy—” Nann stopped short.

  Walking down the middle of the street was a woman in a long polka dot dress in blue with a pink bodice. It had puffy sleeves and lots of ruffles. Her hat brim, the size of a manhole cover, held a bouquet of flowers. In one hand, she held a shepherd’s crook. The other held a leash that led to a very ugly cat in a very adorable sheep costume.

  Zinnia’s jaw dropped. “That’s the best Bo Peep I’ve ever seen. Where have I seen that woman before?”

  The woman turned slightly toward their booth. Nann caught a wink from a paler than death face: Marquise Charlotte, walking among mortals while the veil was thinnest. Toast seemed happy enough to trot along behind
her. He didn’t even seem to mind the cottony costume.

  Nann sat back down.

  “That costume’s a winner for sure.” Zinnia scowled at Nann. “I thought you were packing up.”

  Charlotte raised her crook at the cheers and applause. Chin high, she led the costume parade toward the judging stage.

  “Tu m’es redevable, grave,” The vampire had said. Nann had Googled it, and it meant what she thought it did. She owed the vampire big time. Whatever that might entail, for the time being, Nann decided to enjoy watching the blood-drinking monster lead a bunch of children around downtown Calamity Corners.

  “Nope. You were right,” Nann said to Zinnia. “I absolutely do not want to miss this.”

  Want to Read More? Check out the first book in the Calamity Corners Cozy Witch Series with Nann and Pokey: Calm Before the Witch Storm.

  Follow Constance Barker online at: Constance Barker

  Down the Hatch

  The Potion Commotion

  The Curse of the Headless Horseman

  Misty Bane

  Halloween is every witch’s favorite holiday, and Dru Davis is no exception. As she prepares for a night of witchy fun with her coven, her grandmother tells her the story of a legend who visited Blackwood Bay many years ago. Dru soon learns that the Headless Horseman is no myth, and one Halloween night, many years ago, Granny had to learn that truth the hard way.

  The only question is, was it the Headless Horseman or Granny that was the scariest thing in the woods that night?

  Dru

  “That is utterly revolting,” Maui jerked his chin in the air and turned away, flicking his tail upward to avoid dragging it through the frosted cupcakes he’d just snubbed. Maui, like most cats, had a harsh opinion on everything.

  “I think it looks delicious,” Bear, our resident bulldog, perked up from his spot on the floor and licked his lips.