Seasoned

by Delaney Diamond

  “Three times,” Kendrick quietly correctly.

  Only three times and he still managed to fuck it up.

  Tyson placed a hand on his son’s knee. “I want to come with you when you go to New York next week.”

  “Nah, you don’t have to do that. I’ve already made contact with a few people, and the talent agency said they’d helped me find a roommate.”

  “I want to. Come on, Kendrick. I want to spend as much time with you as you’ll let me, and I don’t want you to have to make that move on your own. This is a major decision, and you should have support, and not from someone who wants to make money off of you, but someone who cares about you as a person.”

  Silence filled the room, and Tyson waited, worry eating a hole in his chest while his son kept his eyes trained on the floor.

  “You would do that for me?” His voice cracked.

  “Yes,” Tyson said quietly, hating that his son doubted his love and support, his willingness to move mountains and rid his path of any obstacles.

  “What about Jackie? You gonna leave her for weeks to hang out with me?”

  “She’ll understand that I can’t let my kid go off to New York to start a new life without being there with him if I’m able. I missed so many other milestones, I don’t want to miss this one, too. So what do you say? Me and you in New York for a couple of weeks, while you get settled?”

  Kendrick sniffed and rubbed a thumb under his nose. “I guess. I mean, if you have time.” He kept his eyes trained on the floor.

  Tyson squeezed his knee. “I got plenty of time. Let me do this, okay?”

  A few seconds passed before Kendrick nodded and lifted his watery gaze. “Okay.”

  Tyson grabbed him by the back of his head and kissed his forehead. “I love you. I’ma do better, I promise. Just give me a chance?” His own voice was shaking.

  “A’ight.”

  Tyson patted his shoulder, and Kendrick stood, swiping at his eyes. “I need to use the bathroom.”

  “When you come out, let’s go get some dinner.”

  Kendrick paused, studying him, as if making sure he hadn’t imagined the entire exchange. “Okay.” He disappeared into the bathroom.

  Progress. Finally.

  14

  “Hey.” Jackie opened her arms and hugged Tyson.

  He squeezed her tight and nuzzled her neck. “Mmm, you smell good.”

  “Thank you. Come on in.” She stepped back and allowed him into the house.

  “Sorry to come by so late, but I had to see you. It’s been too long.”

  “I’ve missed you, too, but I know you’ve been busy with Kendrick and your plans to travel to New York. How is he?” They hadn’t seen each other since their brief meeting outside Kendrick’s apartment, but they’d exchanged a few texts and talked on the phone briefly once.

  Tyson followed her into the living room where she’d been sitting on the tan sectional sofa. Her open laptop rested on the seat, and he dropped down beside it.

  “Canceling my plans with him turned out to be a good thing because it forced us to talk. We’ve never been closer.”

  He looked relaxed and happy, like a man who’d cracked the code to a million-dollar riddle and awaited his prize.

  “That’s fantastic news. I want to get all the details, but first, I was warming up some chicken for a late night meal. I made some oven fries, too. Want some?”

  “You have enough?”

  “I do. I kind of overdid it, so you’ll save me from eating too much so late.”

  “Then yes.” Tyson stretched his arm along the back of the sofa.

  “Anything to drink?” Jackie asked as she went toward the kitchen.

  “Whatever you’re having is fine,” he called out.

  She removed the fries from the oven and placed an even amount on two paper plates and then added chicken to each plate. Using a tray, she carried the plates and two canned sodas back out to the living room. “All right, here we go.”

  “What’s this?” His eyes were focused on her laptop.

  Jackie peered at the screen. Damn.

  She’d forgotten she’d been on that site. She’d become distracted by a phone call and then went to the kitchen to prepare her meal. Might as well have the conversation with Tyson that she knew she needed to have ever since she found out she’d been approved for the adoption.

  “Those are the kids available for adoption in the county.” She set the food and drinks on the coffee table.

  “Oh.” He frowned and looked at her. “Why are you looking at them? Somebody you know adopting?”

  Now or never.

  “I am. The day Kendrick came by my store, I talked to my caseworker and he told me the good news—that I’ve been approved to adopt a child, and I immediately started looking at potential children.”

  “Wait a minute, you want to adopt? We’ve entered the grandparent stage of life, baby. Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  The half-smile died on his face. “I had no idea you wanted kids. Now?” Perplexed, his brows knitted together.

  She understood his reaction. She’d received a similar reaction from almost everyone she told about her desire. They couldn’t understand why a fifty-five-year-old woman wanted to become a single mother.

  “I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but not having children is one of them. I want to be a mother.”

  Tyson glanced at the screen again, the frown deepening on his brow. “So you’re looking for a baby?”

  Jackie shook her head. “Initially, I thought a toddler, but after learning that so many older kids remained in the system because most people want babies or toddlers, I decided to adopt a slightly older child. A girl.”

  Tyson stood and smoothed a hand over the back of his bald head. Confusion continued to overshadow his face. “This is a lot to take in, Jackie, because I didn’t have an inkling you wanted to be a mother. I mean, I know you love kids, but…do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into? Children are a huge responsibility.”

  “Believe me, I know. I have friends who have children, I have godchildren and nieces and nephews who have children. Not to mention part of the screening process for adoption includes an evaluation to make sure I’m able to care for a child both financially and emotionally, and I took an eight-week class on child-rearing for adoptive parents. This is not a decision I entered into lightly. I thought about it for years before filling out the application and going through a process that took months before I finally got approved.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. This is my decision.”

  “Last week we were talking about being together. I put up my condo for sale. I’m moving here, to be with you.”

  “I had no idea you’d done that. I never asked you to do that.”

  “It was a surprise. I told you I want to move here and want a future with you—marriage, traveling—like you said you wanted. Children have never come up in our conversations and were never…in the plans. ”

  “Two months ago, you weren’t in my plans. But I want to have a child, and that’s not going to change because you say you want to be with me now.”

  His jaw flexed. “This is crazy.”

  “Why is it crazy? Why can’t I have a child now?” Jackie demanded.

  “I’ve already had my kids, and I fucked up being a parent. I definitely wouldn’t want to put another child through that. And at my age, I don’t see myself being a daddy again. Grandpa for sure, but daddy?” He shook his head, shoulders dropping a fraction.

  “This isn’t about you, Tyson!”

  “How is it not about me? Haven’t we been talking about a future together?” He glared at her.

  Jackie calmed her voice. “Yes, we have. But now you know, that future includes a child. This is what I want, what I crave. Can you understand that?”

  “No, I can’t.”

  His voice sounded tired and his eyes fill
ed with sadness. Her heart broke. She had suspected they’d have difficulty navigating this part of their relationship, but he didn’t seem likely to budge. Reflecting on his comments the night of their first date, she’d known to expect this type of reaction from him, yet she’d hoped for a different result.

  When she told me she was pregnant, I was devastated.

  “Baby, I love you. You know I do, but my parenting days are behind me.”

  “We can figure this out.”

  “You want a child, but I don’t. There’s nothing to figure out.”

  “So our timing is off again?” Jackie whispered, finding it difficult to speak over the hurt of rejection. Was she really losing him for a second time?

  “Seems that way.”

  They stood in silence, neither looking at the other. She didn’t know what to say, because she wasn’t changing her mind. She’d come too far—and she really, really wanted to be a parent.

  For as long as she could remember, she’d concentrated on accruing accolades and piling up money in the bank. Voted most likely to succeed by her senior class. Graduating with honors from high school and college. She’d been SGA president, French club treasurer, and when she worked in retail—employee of the year. As a businesswoman she’d been profiled in magazines and interviewed on talk shows.

  She spent so much time on her career and smashing goals that she missed out on marriage and having children. At her age, having a biological child was out of the question, but adoption was an option. She couldn’t walk away now. Not when she was so close.

  “So there’s no real future for us.”

  She dared to look at him and wished she hadn’t. The same emptiness that filled her heart was reflected in his eyes. There was no compromise with this type of difference. Someone had to give, and she knew he wouldn’t.

  Tyson rubbed his palm up and down the back of his head. “I hate the sound of that. As far as I’m concerned, you are my future.”

  “Except for one glaring issue—the fact that I want to adopt.”

  He swallowed. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance…” He let the words trail off into the air, perhaps knowing that even as he formulated the sentence, his request would be unreasonable. “Kendrick and I are leaving for New York in a few days. That’s the other reason I wanted to stop by to see you, because I’ll be gone with him for a few weeks.”

  “Adelaide’s daughter lives in New York. If you like, I could ask for her number and that’s someone you could touch base with when you get there, and Kendrick could have a friend in the city.” She sounded as devoid of emotion and lifeless as she felt.

  “Thanks, I’d appreciate that, and I’m sure he will, too.”

  Tyson remained still, and she didn’t move, either. After a while, she huffed a deep breath and said, “You should probably go now, and I need to get back to sorting through the photos of available children.”

  He glanced at the food and the computer, but didn’t comment.

  “Tyson.”

  He nodded. “I heard you. It’s just…this feels so final. I don’t want to lose you from my life just because…I want us to stay in touch. At least until I get back, so we can talk some more.”

  “About what?”

  “I don’t know. I…never mind.” He pulled her into a hug, and she melted against his solid frame. “I love you.”

  “I know. I love you, too.” Jackie wrapped her arms around his torso and squeezed him tight. Nuzzling his neck, she breathed in his cologne and savored the moment in his arms.

  His lips found hers, and he kissed her gently, softly, before releasing her with great reluctance. “I’ll call you when we get to New York.” His voice sounded thick with sadness.

  Unable to speak, Jackie merely nodded.

  She followed him to the door and waved goodbye as he exited. Then she shut the door and stood frozen on the threshold, her heart feeling as if it had been ripped in two and glued back together with all the rough, jagged edges exposed.

  She squeezed her eyes shut, a futile attempt to contain the tears that nonetheless ran in rivulets onto her cheeks.

  15

  “Hi, Hector, I’m sorry to bother you guys at this hour, but is Adelaide here?” Jackie stood on the doorstep of her best friend’s house, light shining down on her like a beacon in the darkness.

  “She is. Come on in.”

  “Thanks,” she said gratefully.

  She followed Hector into the den.

  “She was just getting out of the shower. I’ll let her know you’re here. Can I get you anything to drink?”

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  After he left, Jackie heaved a sigh of exhaustion and paced the room. She’d been driving around for almost an hour, trying to clear her head but couldn’t. She was miserable and heartsick. No doubt about it, she was in love with Tyson, and the thought of being married to him someday had at one time filled her with joy.

  But the adoption—something she’d looked forward to for years, had become a roadblock on the way to happiness and proved difficult to get around. In fact, she saw no way to get around it, and she had to face the unimaginable thought of losing him again.

  She only had two choices—Tyson or the child she always wanted. What kind of choice was that?

  “Hey.” Adelaide came toward her, dressed casually in shorts and a loose-fitting tee, concern for Jackie creased into her brow.

  “I’m sorry to come here so late.”

  As she sank down on the chair, Adelaide dismissed the apology with a wave of her hand. “It’s only nine o’clock, so it’s not late, and even if you came by at two o’clock in the morning, you know I’d still talk to you. What’s going on?”

  “I’m torn about Tyson. I’m in love with him, Adelaide, and I don’t know how in the world I’m going to get over him. Did I make the right decision in sending him away?”

  “I can’t answer that. Only you can,” her friend said.

  Jackie groaned and sat down beside her. “That’s not what I wanted to hear.”

  “I know,” Adelaide said with sympathy in her eyes. “Look, ever since I’ve known you, you’ve talked about your desire to be a mother, and I know you regret not turning to adoption sooner. You have to think about what you want, in your heart of hearts. What would make you happiest?”

  “Raising a child with Tyson.”

  “But that’s not an option.”

  Jackie played with the long dark strands of her black wig. “He wants to stay friends. He’s been texting me every day, keeping me up-to-date on progress with Kendrick. I’m happy for him, for them both, because I know Kendrick wanted to have a better relationship with his father. But as I’m reading the texts, I keep thinking about how much I want that, too—the opportunity to love a child and help them and expose them to new ideas and experiences. There’s more to life than work and spreadsheets and going home to an empty house. I want a family, and I want to give and receive unconditional love. But if I’m going to be with Tyson, that type of future is lost to me because he doesn’t want another child. And I can’t really blame him, because we’re not exactly spring chickens.”

  Adelaide nodded slowly. “Then maybe you have your answer.”

  Jackie closed her eyes for a moment. “You’re right, I do. I’m not going to be one of those people who gets married and has to forgo having children because her partner doesn’t want any. Those relationships are often fraught with problems.”

  “You know about the trouble Renee had in her second marriage because her husband wanted kids and she didn’t. I know of two other couples who were at odds about children, and they both ended up divorced, too. One couple divorced because the wife got pregnant when her husband had specifically told her he didn’t want children. He was very upset because she stopped taking her pills. You’d be taking a huge risk being with a man who’s made it clear he’s not interested in rearing kids at his age.”

  “You’re right, which brings me to another decision—a tough one th
at I didn’t want to make. I can’t keep seeing him, Adelaide. It’s too hard.”

  “Are you sure you want to cut him off completely?”

  On the drive over she’d thought long and hard about the decision and knew it was the right one. “I want him too much. I want the life I had hoped to have. I…I have to separate myself from him.”

  Adelaide’s eyes filled with sympathy. “I understand. You know I’ll be right here if you need me, for support. And you’re not going into motherhood alone.”

  “I know.”

  Adelaide grabbed both her hands and squeezed. “You’re going to be a mommy!”

  Jackie smiled for the first time since she arrived. “I’m going to be a mommy!”

  Beaming with happiness, they both hugged.

  Please don’t text me anymore. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep in touch. I’m sorry. It’s just too hard.

  When Tyson read those words, his senses dulled to everything in Times Square. He didn’t see the swarm of people crowding the sidewalk. He didn’t hear the noise of conversation or smell the exhaust from the honking cars.

  For the past two weeks he had kept in touch with Jackie because… He didn’t know why. She’d been clear about her decision to adopt, and he’d been honest about not wanting to raise kids again. Neither had minced words or been willing to compromise, but he couldn’t let go. Now she was telling him he had to.

  Erasing Jackie from his life wasn’t an option. They wouldn’t get married, but he’d hoped to continue seeing her, at least.

  “Check this out.” Kendrick walked over and presented a colorful flyer promoting an eating tour of the city, from an insider’s point of view. “We could do this tomorrow after my morning appointment, and that way I’ll get in the know about all the cool places where the locals eat, instead of the usual advertised restaurants tourists go to.”

  Tyson took the flyer but couldn’t focus on the details. All he saw were the words from Jackie’s text, emblazoned in his mind. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep in touch.