Bad Kitty

by Michele Jaffe

  Roxy: Yeah. And ours were super cute.

  25Roxy: Do you remember the look on Jas’s face when this happened?

  Polly: I will remember that forever. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes get that big.

  Roxy: HER eyes. What about the eyes of everyone around her when they got a glimpse of Kermit?

  Polly: And Jack’s expression. He—

  Jas: What? Jack saw this? You never told me that Jack saw my Kermit underpants.

  Hello?

  Okay, you two. You can’t just mention something like that and disappear.

  Come back here!

  Hello?

  Drat. Please do not let him have seen my underpants.

  26Polly: Where were we? Oh, right, Jack and the underwear. I’ve never seen anyone gape like that.

  Roxy: I know. It was like a movie. His mouth open wide. And then he—oops, here she comes.

  Jas: I see you guys down here. Hello? Cut it out. This is MY book. He didn’t really see my panties, did he?

  27Jas: Who put this heart next to the Fabinator? Cut it out.

  (DID HE SEE KERMIT? ANSWER ME!)

  28Polly: I would not be surprised either, because I saw her advanced speed skating like an Olympian one minute, and then the next she was pretending she wasn’t a very good skater and careening into that guy.

  Roxy: She had her hands all over his chest.

  Polly: She was drying him off. I liked her outfit though. I hope she didn’t get fired for spilling. I bet it was her first night and she wasn’t used to skating with a whole tray of drinks.

  Roxy: I bet she wasn’t even a waitress at all but A MEMBER OF THE RUSSIAN MAFIA. Seriously, did you see that black lace-up corset and leather pants she was wearing? And the studded leather choker? Very Russian Mafia. She could have even been a hired assassin.

  Polly: But her wrist cuff was very Fox network teen drama. And I don’t think they get those in Russia.

  Roxy: Should we tell Jas?

  Polly: That the cocktail waitress was wearing out-of-date accessories? Or about Jack seeing her—

  Jas: Did he? Are you saying he did???

  29Jas: Please ignore the heart.

  30Jas: Please also ignore this one. [I SAID STOP IT!!!]

  31Jas: This is not funny. You think you’re funny but you’re not.

  Polly: I think it’s funny.

  Roxy: Me too.

  Polly: You know, Jas, I think you should take a more Zen approach to this.

  Roxy: Give in to the power. Ask yourself, What Would Bambi Do?

  Jas: What?

  Roxy: WWBD? You know, from the famous line in the movie Bambi, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

  Polly: It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation.

  Jas: You two are insane, you—

  Roxy: Uh-uh-uh. WWBD? Bambi would not use ouchy words like “insane.”

  Jas: I surrender. I give up.

  Polly: Really?

  Roxy: Does that mean we can put hearts wherever we want?

  Jas: Yes.

  Roxy: Oh. Well, that takes all the fun out of it.

  Jas: I’m sure you’ll think of something. (Can someone please tell me if Jack saw my Kermit panties?)

  32Polly: For the record, I was not crying, I was not hugging, and I was not making “you’re my hero” eyes at anyone or doing any of the other sappy things Jas said I was doing. I believe her head injury made her a little overemotional.

  Jas: You’re so cute when you lie, Polly.

  33Polly: This is not true! I looked it up! There is no Stenciling for Dummies! She was just trying to get next to Tom.

  Jas: So? You don’t care about Tom. You said. Tra la tra la.

  La la la.

  La.

  34Polly: She’s a liar, too.

  Jas: Now now, P. That’s not a very Bambi sentence.

  Hey, by the way, did Jack see my Kermit underpants?

  Hello?

  Sigh.

  35Polly: Jas, I’ve been wondering. Are you making these things up by just, like, combining words together? Because a lot of your little life lessons don’t make any sense.

  Jas: Fie.

  Polly: Not exactly unproving my point.

  Jas: What’s wrong with them?

  Roxy: I think they’re very helpful. That one about fringe boots especially. I never would have thought of that.

  Jas: Why, thank you. You were saying, Polly?

  Polly: Fine. You can leave them as they are. But you miss some good opportunities.

  Jas: For example?

  Polly: A good time for a little life lesson might have been when Tom saved your life.

  Jas: You mean something like, “Life is short, eat out more often”?

  Polly: Um, no, I did not mean something you got off a paper straw wrapper.

  Roxy: But it’s very good advice. Now I’m hungry. Are you guys hungry?

  36Polly: That is not true! I wanted to talk about you. To make sure you were—

  Jas: Do you hear that?

  Polly: What? I don’t hear anything.

  Jas: Exactly. Silence. Mmmmmm.

  Polly: I hope bedbugs bite you.

  37Jas: By this I did not mean that Polly snores. In fact, Polly looks adorable at all times, including while she is sleeping. This was simply an unfortunate turn of phrase that I regretted almost immed—

  REAL Jas: Polly, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be asleep. I just wrote up there that you were sleeping.

  Polly: You wrote I was snoring. I don’t snore. You made it sound like I snore.

  Jas: You do. It’s like sleeping with a human popcorn popper.

  Polly: TAKE THAT BACK.

  Jas: Or a car without a muffler. Oh, and P.S.—THIS IS MY SPACE AND MY STORY. Get back up there where you belong.

  Polly: You, Jas, are not the boss of me. And I do not snore.

  Jas: Is it nice on your cruise? On the river called DENIAL?

  Polly: You lie like a rug.

  Jas: You lie on your back. Maybe if you lay on your side you wouldn’t snore so—don’t even think about it. There are two BeDazzlers here, my friend, and I have the larger one. That’s right, step AWAY. Oh, yes. Farther. Good. Victory is mine!

  Polly: I’m not done with you.

  Jas: Oooh, shaking.

  38Polly: No, Jas, you can NOT wear glitter eye shadow before noon. And just step away from that shirt. Is that—gasp—a CARE BEAR on the front?

  Jas: He has poofy ears. Look. Cute!

  Polly: I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten, and when I’m done, this will all have been a terrifying mirage. Okay, here we go. One, two, three—are you changing? I don’t hear the sounds of changing.

  39Jas: I am fully making that a Little Life Lesson.

  Polly: Too late. It’s one of mine.

  Jas: Can I use the one about no glitter eye shadow in the morning?

  Polly: Only if you recant what you said about me snoring.

  Jas: I will not sacrifice my journalistic integrity.

  Polly: Way to take a stand. I’m moved. But I’m still not giving in. (Or telling you if Jack was looking in your direction when you—never mind.)

  Jas: That’s okay, I’m totally over that. (Polly snores so loud, cows think it’s a mating call.)

  40Polly: Why are you making that face, Jas? Are you growling?

  Jas: Ha! Can’t you recognize the carefree laugh, the winning smile, a bit of savoir faire, when you encounter them?

  Polly: Have you begun taking some kind of medication I should know about?

  Jas: Oh, my funny little friend. I may bleed inside, but never fear, I will continue to display a Brave Face.

  Polly: Is that what you were doing? I thought it was some kind of vampire impression.

  Roxy: That little girl in the corner just started to cry.

  41Polly: I would have expected better quality from John Varvatos. Buttons should not come off like that.

  Jas: Well, cro
ss him off the list of designers to wear WHILE COMMITTING MURDER.

  Polly: Exactly.

  Jas: I meant that to sting.

  Polly: How nice for you.

  Roxy: Maybe the button was sewn on fine, but got caught on something.

  Polly: Good point. That would be better.

  Jas: I’m so pleased we got that settled.

  42Polly: It is not possible to use the word “cute” to modify “leg warmers.”

  43Polly: Ack! Unicorns! Make it stop! What did I ever do to you, Jas? WHAT???

  Jas: Ho ho ho, look who’s stinging now. Sting-y sting-y! Ouch ouch!

  Polly: I never thought of it before, but with your height and build, you are going to look SO CUTE in your straitjacket.

  44Polly: They don’t even make leg warmers with dolphins on them.

  Jas: Oh, how you are going to WUV your birthday present.

  45Tom: The button was in the backseat, right? Why was Jack back there?

  Roxy: Maybe he just took the jacket off for driving, to have more flexibility.

  Jas: You mean, like, for TRYING TO KILL ME?

  Roxy: Exactly. That means he’s a pro. Or at least someone who plans ahead.

  Jas: Ah, delightful. I’m so pleased. I wouldn’t want to be killed by a bad planner.

  Roxy: Good point. Jas, what is that shape you’re cutting your pancakes into?

  Jas: A coffin. For my hopes and dreams.

  Roxy: Oh. Well, are you going to eat it?

  46Polly: Jas, you’re making that face again. Can you cool it until we get up to the room?

  Roxy: I think the boy at the next table just wet his pants.

  47Tom: Um, Jas? I did not say “Abracadabra.”

  Jas: You said something like it.

  Tom: I said “ouch.”

  Jas: Poetic license. How did you get the lock open, anyway?

  Tom: It was totally simple. All I did was there is no reason you should be reading this because all this part should be under a big black box. If you’re seeing words and not a big black box, then pretend you’ ren’t. Big black box. Like the CIA cut it out. Oooh scary, CIA.

  Jas: Cool. So anyone could do it?

  Tom: Yes. Anyone with a song in their heart..

  48Polly: I’m sorry, did that say “willingly”? As in, adverb, English, meaning “to do something in a voluntary or agreeable manner”? I have let you slide on a lot of things, Jasmine “My friend Polly snores” Callihan, but I’m not going to let you lie about this.

  Jas: What? I totally did.

  Polly: My recollection is that you started screaming, “Eek, the phone! Get it away from me! I can’t talk to him. What will I say to him? Eek!”

  Roxy: You’re forgetting the part where Jas leaped backwards and tangoed a little with the wastebasket.

  Polly: Quite right. Thank you, Roxy.

  Jas: Yeah, thanks. The atmosphere is quite thin over there on Planet Polly and Roxy, isn’t it? Is that why you two are so delusional?

  Roxy: You’re also leaving out the part where Jas tried to hide under the table. And kept repeating to herself, “I am invisible. I am invisible. If I keep my eyes closed, I am INVISIBLE.”

  Polly: Indeed. “Cowering,” I think is the word that describes what she was doing.

  Roxy: That’s an advanced SAT prep word, isn’t it? Very nice.

  Polly: Thanks. Who would have guessed that our sweet Jas, who one time willingly jumped into the wild boar pit at the zoo during feeding time to retrieve a child’s balloon, would be afraid to talk to some boy?

  Jas: They were wildebeests. Their tusks are shorter. And I was just worried he wouldn’t remember who I was. I didn’t want it to be awkward for him.

  Polly: There’s no danger of that, precious. No one who saw you dancing on that stage in your

  Kermit panties will soon forget who you are. That I promise.

  Roxy: Snicker.

  Jas: Sometimes I really hate you guys.

  49Roxy: IS NOT ONE EITHER. I went over every inch of his sheets with the black light and I didn’t find one single piece of evidence that anyone besides Ivan slept there. Take it back, Jas. My Ivan is no slut. He is a chaste and true warrior.

  Jas: You’re scaring me, Roxy.

  Roxy: Are you going to take it back?

  Polly: (I’d do what she says, Jas. You know what happens when Roxy gets crossed. Remember that time at the mall when that woman said there were no such things as extraterrestrials, and Roxy decided to fashion a hand grenade out of a hot dog on a stick and an Orange Julius and we had to—)

  Jas: I take it back.

  50Roxy: I just know you weren’t thinking about anyone in particular there, Jas.

  Jas: How would I know that the Fabinator had blue satin jock-strap-plus-gun-holder undergarments? Unless, of course, I saw one sticking out of your pocket.

  Roxy: Nice try. It’s not in my pocket, it’s in my bra. Close to my heart.

  Jas: MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN IS BLEEDING. MAKE IT STOP.

  51Polly: Methinks she doth protest too much.

  Roxy: Methinks so also.

  52Tom: What I still don’t understand, Jas, is why you had to carry him with your hand in the back pocket of his jeans. Is that an approved Girl Scout carry or something?

  Jas: I wanted it to look natural, like we were just strolling along. Him and me. And you, his conjoined twin.

  Tom: Oh. I’m sure we fooled everyone, then.

  53Jas: See? It worked.

  Tom: I am not sure you count as an objective observer.

  Polly: (Did he have a nice butt?)

  Jas: (I believe they have just dedicated a wing of the National Gallery to it, representing, as it does, complete artistic perfection in every way.)

  Tom: Is there a suggestion box? Because I don’t think you should be allowed to say things like that without warning people first. I mean, some people have weak stomachs.

  54Tom: Actually, Jas, it was more Jet Li.