Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  My dad shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier to blame others. Nick got into Stanford medical school, when Eli didn’t even though he went to Stanford undergrad.”

  “Nick didn’t take his spot. He should have studied more.” I knew Eli when he was in college. He did okay in school, but he partied hard as well. “Besides, he got into UC Davis, it’s a good school. But he didn’t go.”

  “Davis revoked his admission when his last grades came out.”

  “Ouch.” How did I not know that?

  “He didn’t want anyone to know. He decided to come home and help me with the business. But now even that is starting to struggle.”

  That surprised me. Parker Sporting Goods was the only place in town to stock up on outdoor gear. “Really? The store is established and no other place near here offers what the store does.”

  “There is a big name sporting shop over in Kedler, and of course, people think nothing of driving to Reno these days.”

  “So is it bad? Is the store really in trouble?”

  My father rubbed his brow. “It’s making money, but I have suggested he look at getting out. He could sell it and use the money to find himself.”

  “What about you? You don’t need the money?” How would Dad live if the Eli sold the store and took the money?

  “The house is paid for. I’ve got Social Security and Medicare—“

  “Will that cover all you’ll need?”

  “Your mom had life insurance that Eli helped me invest. I know he seems off-kilter and perhaps weak, but he took good care of your mom and I while you were gone.”

  Now I felt guilty for being gone so much.

  “And of course, he’s done a lot for me. He keeps up the repairs on the house. Arranges to get me to doctors if he can’t do it himself. Don’t be too hard on him. He’s hitting the middle age crisis a bit early, but I think he sees his life isn’t unfolding as he wants, and he feels trapped to change it.”

  Put that way, I felt selfish for running off to live my life. It was my turn to help Dad. To help the family.

  “I’ll do my part, Dad, I promise.”

  “I know you will, pumpkin.”

  “What can I get you? Are you hungry?”

  “No. Any chance you and Nick—“

  “No, Dad. Why are you so interested?”

  He gave me a sheepish grin. “I’d just like a grandchild or two before I’m too sick to enjoy them. Neither you nor Eli seems particularly interested in giving me one.”

  I laughed. “Eli is older. Besides, from what I saw tonight, he needs to get laid—“ I stopped as I remembered I was talking to my father. “Get a girlfriend.”

  My father snorted. “You’re not wrong.”

  I made some dinner and watched nature shows on TV with my father, and then headed back to my condo, unpacking a couple boxes in my kitchen before heading to bed.

  I lay under the cool sheets feeling a little bit like today had all been a dream. Especially the part about seeing Nick. Dancing with Nick. It was so strange that after four years, I’d have the reaction I did. Nick was extremely attractive, so I could see having that initial flutter a woman had when seeing a good-looking guy. But this had been more than that. It was like my heart and hormones had forgotten he and I weren’t together anymore. They’d immediately gone back to four years ago when Nick and I were discussing having a future together.

  Is that how Eli felt? Every time he saw Nick, was he reminded of the dreams and plans they’d made? They’d both planned to go to medical school and return home to open a practice together. I understood about being weirded out about his friend and his sister being together, but Nick hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d always treated me with respect, and in truth, I think he did try to avoid me and his feelings in deference to Eli in the beginning. Was Dad right in that Eli was unhappy because he felt stuck in life?

  Now that I was here, perhaps I could help. I could take the pressure of him and give him a chance to find himself. If he’d take it.

  5

  Nick

  For the next week, I had dreams of Mia every night, or I should say day, as I was on the night shift the following week. Since holding her close in the bar, her scent was locked in my brain, and whenever I slept, she came to me. We’d start out dancing, and soon we were fucking. It was a wonderful way to sleep, and extremely frustrating too. Every time I woke up, I had to get into the shower and yank my cock as I conjured up my dream again until my cum sprayed the shower wall.

  The following week, I was back on days, still dreaming about her. I couldn’t decide if it was good or bad that I rarely saw her when I was at work. She was distracting, so not seeing her seemed like the better option, and yet, knowing she was in the same building, looking so beautiful with her sexy curves and brilliant blue eyes, made me want to run up to the third floor to the administration offices and fuck her on her desk.

  I shook my head as I grabbed a cup of coffee. That was one thing I shouldn’t be thinking about; fucking her. I couldn’t help my dreams, but while awake, I needed to remember that Mia and I were in the past. It was a lovely past, one that I often wished I’d handled differently. Four years later, though, time had marched on. Any chance of us having a future together was gone.

  Aside from Mia crowding my thoughts, my day was fairly normal. We had a steady stream of emergency room visitors, all with varying ailments, but none of them too serious.

  I’d finished my coffee and headed back to the ER when Peggy flagged me. “Lorraine Mason is here.”

  “Ms. Mason?” Thinking of her brought me back to kindergarten.

  “Yep. She has a temperature of one hundred point three, and is complaining of aches and pains.”

  I headed to the area where Ms. Mason was being treated in. She looked pale, but her bright eyes lit up as she saw me.

  “Nicky.”

  I smiled at the name she’d called me ever since the first day I entered her class. “Ms. Mason.” She’d been a teacher in Goldrush Lake forever. I think she’d been my parents’ teacher. She was a fixture in town, a revered member of the community. She was the type of person that would likely someday have a building at the school named after her. She’d retired a few years back, but she continued to volunteer at the school. “What seems to be the trouble?”

  “I can’t believe little Nicky is a doctor. Well, I can believe it. You were always smart as a whip. Of course, it was equally possible you’d end up in jail. I’m glad you stayed in school.”

  I laughed. “Me too.” I studied her for outward signs of problems, and took her hand to check her pulse. Her skin felt clammy and her heart rate was a little high. I checked the computer for her blood pressure which was also high. “Are you in any pain?”

  “Oh, I ache everywhere all the time,” she said with a wave of her hand.

  “How about in your chest?” I noted the scent of cigarette smoke on her.

  “Do you remember when you and little Eli Parker put frogs in my desk?”

  “You made us stand in the front of the class holding them for the rest of the day,” I said. I looked down at her lower legs, noting they were swollen. “Any chest pain or difficulty breathing?”

  “Everything is difficult at my age,” she said with a sigh.

  I went back to the computer. “Are you smoking?”

  “Oh, just a few cigarettes a day. They haven’t killed me yet.”

  I hid my reaction to that statement behind my next question. “Are you on any medications?” I scanned her medical history, but it appeared that she hadn’t been to the doctor in years.

  “No. I’m as healthy as a horse. Well, except for today.”

  “What happened today?” I turned my attention back to her.

  “I woke up feeling off. You know how you do sometimes. I decided to take it easy, but as the day wore on, I just felt like I was slowing down. Like my batteries were running out.”

  “Have you had this before?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t th
ink so. I heard you won an award for all your doctoring, is that true?”

  “I did last year. Have you taken anything today? Pain reliever?”

  “I took a couple of acetaminophen this morning. I wanted to come in sooner, but my son said I probably just have the flu. Oh, he’s probably right. I am feeling nauseous.”

  “Peggy, can we get her something in case she needs to be sick?” I turned my attention back to Ms. Mason. “What made you decide to come in?” I was having a difficult time pinpointing the problem out of so many it could be including the flu.

  “Well, I was on the phone with Poppy Litner this morning, do you remember her? She taught middle school.”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “I was telling her how I was feeling like my batteries were running out and she said I should see a doctor. Well, of course I didn’t think so. Why would I go to the doctor for a little cold or flu? But then she said people my age can die of that, and well, I’m not ready to go yet, Nicky.”

  “You’re not going anywhere, Ms. Mason,” I said. “If you were on the phone this morning, why are you just here now? Did you see your regular physician?” The notes in the EMR didn’t indicate she’d seen anyone, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t happened. Some doctors took longer to put their notes in the system.

  “Well, my son couldn’t come get me and so he sent my grandson, but of course he had to finish his video game first. Did you know they can play a game with people around the world all from their living room?” She shook her head like she couldn’t believe the advances in modern technology. “Then when he came, we had to run a few errands first. He got into a fight with his girlfriend, so he wanted to pick up some flowers for her.”

  “Dr. Foster?” Another nurse came into the area. “We’ve got a pregnant woman in labor.”

  “Where’s Dr. Balding?” I asked, entering more notes into the computer.

  “He’s in the middle of inserting a chest tube.”

  “Where’s her OBGYN?” I asked.

  “Forty-five minutes out. She’s starting to push.”

  Shit.

  “A baby, how wonderful,” Ms. Mason said. “You go take care of that Nicky. I’ll be fine here. Peggy will take care of me, won’t you dear?”

  “Yes ma’am,” Peggy said.

  “I’m ordering some blood work and a chest x-ray,” I said to Peggy as I entered the orders on the computer.

  “I’m sure it’s just the flu,” Ms. Mason said.

  I finished entering the order and pressed the send button. Then I went to Ms. Mason’s side. “Never hurts to be thorough,” I said, repeating something she used to say when were kids.

  She laughed. “You always were a good student. Now go deliver that baby. I want to know all about it when you get back.”

  I pulled Peggy aside. “Watch her and let me know if anything changes, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll be back soon, Ms. Mason.” I headed toward the area that the mother in labor was in. I could hear her through the emergency room. Some moms were vocal in their labor, yelling, screaming, grunting, and others seemed to pull inward, making very little noise while in labor. This one was letting everyone in the ER know she was having a baby.

  “This is Mrs. Pierce,” the nurse said as I arrived.

  “Mrs. Pierce, I’m Dr. Foster. It looks like your child is ready to arrive.”

  The young woman panted out a few breaths. “The sooner the better.”

  “Has labor and delivery been notified?” I asked, going to the computer to read as much as I could about the patient as possible.

  “Yes. They’re sending down a nurse.”

  “This is full term?” I said as I noted the due date a week away.

  “Yes.” Mrs. Pierce moaned, and then bore down like she was pushing.

  I rushed to her. The nurse had already positioned her so her legs were up in the stirrups.

  “Hold on Mrs. Pierce. I need to—” But I could see the hair pattern on the baby’s head as it crowned. I quickly assessed the position of the baby, and then worked with Ms. Pierce as she pushed.

  While the baby was crowning when I arrived, it was still another forty-five minutes before the nine pound, three ounce boy was delivered. Then I had to suture Mrs. Pierce’s perineum where it tore during the delivery.

  “Congratulations,” I said as she held her baby and the nurses prepared to move her up to the labor and delivery area.

  “Thank you, Dr. Foster.” She had the glow of a woman who’d just worked hard and now held a miracle.

  I washed up, and then made my way back to Ms. Mason.

  “Dr. Foster.” Peggy rushed up to me, the expression on her face sent a chill through me.

  “What?” I prepared myself to jump into action to save Ms. Mason.

  She stared up at me and I noted tears in her eyes.

  Ah fuck. “What?” I demanded more harshly. I started to move toward Ms. Mason’s area.

  “She died,” Peggy said, gripping my arm.

  “What?” I couldn’t seem to find more words.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why didn't you come get me? I told you to get me.”

  “It was sudden. She started to complain that she couldn’t breathe, and then …”

  Jesus. I couldn’t catch my breath either. I was vaguely aware that I was a doctor in an emergency room surrounded by staff and patients. I needed to keep my shit together. At the same time, the terror that grabbed a hold of my heart and threatened to pulverize it made it difficult to hold back my anguish. Ms. Mason was a sweet woman who’d been instrumental in giving me a good start in school. I remembered accidentally calling her mom a lot in kindergarten, something I learned was normal with young children and their teachers. It was a sort of transference from one motherly figure to another. She was a beloved pillar of the community, and she’d died on my watch.

  “What the hell?”

  Peggy guided me away from everyone else. “We did all we could. Sometimes these things—”

  “Don’t.” I was harsh in my tone. Yes, sometimes we couldn’t save people. We hadn’t been able to save Mia’s mother. Ms. Mason wasn’t the first patient I’d ever lost. But I knew in my gut that had I done something different, she could have been saved. “What did the test say?”

  Peggy shook her head. “They never got done.”

  “What?” That didn’t make sense. I remembered ordering them.

  “I don’t know what happened. When she said she was having trouble breathing, I started to check on the tests, but then … that’s when she lost consciousness.”

  I ran my hands through my hair, willing myself to wake up from this nightmare.

  “We were able to get Dr. Balding in, but it was too late.”

  I couldn’t respond as I retraced my actions in my head.

  “She had all the signs of a flu—”

  “She also could have had an embolism.” I snapped.

  “She didn’t say she had chest pains or difficulty breathing. Not while you were there. This isn’t your fault, Dr. Foster.”

  I glared down at her. “Then whose fault is it? I was her doctor. She came here expecting me to help her.”

  Peggy’s eyes were sympathetic, and showed her own feelings of guilt.

  “Is her family here? Have they been told?” I asked.

  “The grandson wasn’t in the waiting room. He told the desk clerk he had to go out but he’d be back to bring her home.”

  I closed my eyes. I wasn’t the only one letting Ms. Mason down. I opened my eyes. “We need to call her son. I want to review the notes and find out what happened.”

  “I’ll call.”

  I went to the computer and reviewed what I’d entered. I’d done everything right. I had a niggling something more serious was going on and ordered the tests. Why weren’t they done? We’d have to have an autopsy to determine what happened, but I had a strong suspicion a pulmonary embolism was to blame. The swollen legs. The clammy
skin. The erratic heart rate. The only symptoms she hadn’t mentions weren’t chest pains and shortness of breath, but perhaps that’s what she meant by achy all over.

  Fuck. I was having my own shortness of breath. I went to the lounge to get some water. There was an idea that doctors were impervious to death. That we had to be to maintain the ability to be objective. There is some attempt to remain detached, of course, but in a small town where everyone knows everyone, it was hard not to feel an extra attachment. And in emergency medicine, when you lose someone, there is the second guessing. What could I have done differently? The guilt of that was like an anvil on the lungs.

  I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and downed it, but the cool liquid did nothing to calm my rattled nerves.

  “Nick?”

  I turned to see Mia walking toward me. The sadness in her eyes told me she’d heard. Perhaps she was here to find out if I fucked up and would need a lawyer. I wish to hell I knew.

  “I heard what happened. I’m so sorry.”

  I swallowed. “I can’t talk about it now.” I had to keep it together to let her family know.

  She nodded. “Would you like me to join you?”

  “Is the hospital worried?”

  It took her a moment to process what I meant. “I’m not here for the hospital. I know Ms. Mason meant a lot to everyone and losing her can’t be easy. Peggy says it was just her time—”

  “Don’t.” I held my hands up, as I tried to rein in my anger. I didn’t want to take my frustration out on her. “All those platitudes about we did all we could and it was just her time … that doesn’t help.”

  She nodded.

  “Dr. Foster?” Peggy stood in the doorway of the lounge. “Mr. Mason, the son, is here.”

  I closed my eyes and prayed for the strength I’d need to get through this. That was another thing people seemed to think about doctors. That losing a patient and having to tell a family about it got easier the more you did it. I didn’t. Every life was precious. Every life lost was like a piece of the soul getting broken off.