Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  “I’m going to shower,” I said standing. “Want to go see the boats at the lock today, Noah?”

  Noah looked over his mother’s shoulder at me. “’kay.”

  And with that enthusiastic declaration, I headed to the shower. Yesterday, I wanked off in the shower, and I’m pretty sure Terra caught me. At one point in our relationship, catching me touch myself would have turned her on and she’d have joined me. Now she was probably relieved that I was finding pleasure without having to involve her. How strange that a woman who’d been so passionate, who’d loved sex, was now not interested in it at all.

  This morning, I wasn’t much interested either, so I simply showered and dressed in jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and put on a button shirt over it.

  By the time I was done, Terra had breakfast on the table and the kids had started eating.

  “Do you mind watching them while I shower?” she asked, grabbing a second cup of coffee from the brewer.

  “Do I mind? Why would I mind being with my own kids?” I was being an ass, but I hated being treated like an outsider.

  She simply glared as she passed me leaving the kitchen.

  “How’s the grub?” I asked, sitting at the table with the kids.

  “Good. Can I have more sugar?” Lanie asked.

  Already, her food was swimming in powdered sugar. “I think you have enough.” I looked over at Noah sitting quietly as he ate his German pancake. “How about you buddy? Is the food okay?”

  He nodded and my heart cracked that my own son couldn’t seem to talk to me.

  Later that morning, I held Noah’s hand as we walked toward the locks. The locks connected the fresh water of Lake Washington and Lake Union with the saltwater of Puget Sound. Boats of all sizes passed through the system from kayaks up to large yachts. There was also a fish ladder for migrating salmon. It was the perfect place for a four-year old, or at least a normal one. But Noah was so quiet and reserved, I realized I didn’t know if he’d enjoyed going there or not.

  We stood at the observation point as several recreational boats entered the lock.

  “Do you see one you like?” I asked Noah as I held him.

  His serious eyes scanned the boats. He shrugged.

  “Would you want to go on a boat?”

  “Will it sink?”

  I looked at him wondering why he was so afraid of the world. Was that Terra’s fault? Mine?

  “No son, it won’t.”

  The water started to rise, lifting boats from the sound up to lake level. “They’re all going to the lake. You like it there, don’t you?”

  “Yeah.” Noah watched as the boats rose in the water.

  When they reached the right level, the gates opened the boats sailed out.

  “Want to go see if there are any fish?” I asked.

  “’kay.”

  We walked down to the viewing area showing what went on under the water. Noah pressed his nose up to the glass as a large fish swam by. I watched him as he took in the fish.

  “Want a fish in your room?” I asking.

  He turned to me. “Like a pet? Mommy says we’re not old enough.”

  “A fish isn’t like a dog. You do need to feed it, but I’ll teach you.”

  He nodded, and I saw a hint of a smile. We watched the fish for a while and then took a walk through the gardens before going to lunch.

  “You having fun, buddy?” I asked as I squirted ketchup on his plate for his fries.

  “Yep.”

  “What did you like best?” I put ketchup on my plate as well.

  “The fish. Can I really get a fish?”

  “Absolutely. How about we get one today?” I wondered if this was one of those things that I was supposed to consult Terra on first? Probably, but fuck it. My boy wanted a fish, I was going to get him one.

  His smile was a little larger this time. Points for dad.

  We ate for a bit when out of the blue, Noah asked, “How come you’re not home very much?”

  My heart about stopped in my chest. I worked so hard to be a good provider, but all signs pointed to my being a shitty husband and father.

  “I have to work to make money so we can live.”

  “That’s what mommy says.” Noah picked up a chicken tender and ran it through the ketchup.

  “What else does mommy say?” Inwardly I chastised myself. I shouldn’t be grilling my kid for information on what his mother says.

  He shrugged.

  “Working is important,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself. “I bet you work hard in school.”

  He nodded, finishing chewing his chicken. “Do you wish you were home with us when you’re at work?”

  God. It was like he was stabbing me in the heart. “Yes. I’d love to spend more time with you.”

  “But you can’t because of work?”

  “That’s right.” In that moment I had a flashback to when I was just a little older than Noah and asking my mom why dad was never around. She told me he was off working out of state, but later I determined she didn’t know who or where he was. My mother had difficulty working so she was around a lot, but the upshot of that was we didn’t have money. Some nights, we didn’t have dinner.

  But that wasn’t the case now. We had plenty of money. Of course, we had that money because I worked hard. And money was a fickle thing. Something could go wrong and we’d lose it all. The fallout from that was missing out on spending time with my kids.

  “Noah.”

  He looked up from his lunch. “I’m sorry I’m gone a lot. But I’ll always be here for you, son. I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?”

  He nodded, and yet, his eyes suggested he hadn’t been sure, and it tore me in two.

  4

  Brayden – Sunday

  “Can I wear them now, mommy?” Lanie asked about the new shoes I was getting ready to buy for her.

  “Me too, mommy,” Nina said to her mom, Emma. “We’ll be twins,” she said to Lanie.

  “Yes, me and Nina want to be twins,” Lanie said.

  I looked at my best friend Emma who gave me a smile. Our girls were as close as we were. Best friends. I hoped they’d stay that way as Emma and I had. We’d met in elementary school and built a friendship that spanned nearly thirty years. Even when we’d gone off to separate colleges, we’d stayed in touch.

  We married around the same time, and had our first children within a few months of each other. But then Derek, her husband became ill with a rare form of cancer. It was heart-breaking to watch him wither away. To see the pain and grief of my best friend and not be able to do anything. He’d died a few years ago, and Emma was back to living a full life, at least for herself and her daughter. I admired her strength. It made me feel petty to complain about Brayden.

  “It’s okay with me if you wear your new shoes,” I said. I’d gotten them for school because her current pair were getting too small for her.

  “Me too,” Emma agreed.

  “Yay,” the two girls grabbed the shoes and went to sit down to put them on. I ran my credit card through the payment machine.

  “I wonder how long before we’re back here,” Emma said looking over at the girls. “Nina is growing so fast; she’ll be out of those shoes before I know it.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “She’ll send me to the poorhouse just in the cost of clothes alone.”

  I put my card back in my wallet, feeling grateful that I didn’t have to worry about money. I never had. My father was a successful VP and so money was never an issue for us while I grew up. Brayden was successful as well as frugal. He’d grown up in a family that struggled financially, which was probably why he worked so hard and we never wanted for money.

  However, the saying that money can’t buy everything is true. It hadn’t been able to save my mom. And I didn’t think it would save my marriage. In fact, it was Brayden’s focus on work that was the source of our marital problems. Or maybe it was his young, voluptuous secretary.


  I had no proof he was cheating and in fact, a part of me chastised myself for thinking he would do such a thing. But he wasn’t having sex with me, and he did work late a lot. The few times I called after seven to check on him, she’d been the one to pick up his phone…his cell phone.

  “How about lunch?” Emma said as she finished paying. “Then you can tell me what’s weighing on your mind.”

  “Lunch sounds good,” I said, not wanting to discuss my woes with Lanie around.

  We made our way to the food court, where the girls ordered pizza, Emma got a pretzel and I bought a salad. Perhaps it was time to do something about the extra weight I’d packed on since becoming a mom.

  We sat at a table and chatted about the goings-ons over the last week.

  “Can we go play on the playground?” Lanie asked me, pointing to the indoor play area near where we ate.

  She’d eaten a good amount of her pizza so I said, “Sure.” I picked up a napkin to wipe her face and hands.

  “Me too, mommy?” Nina asked Emma.

  “Yes. Work off some of that energy.”

  With the kids off climbing in the play area, Emma leaned toward me. “So, what’s going on?”

  I shrugged as I watched Lanie run with a huge grin on her face. “Same old, same old.”

  “Come on, Ter, you can’t fool me.”

  I sighed. “I just think things between me and Brayden have fizzled out and I don’t know how to get it back. I’m not sure he’d even want it back.”

  She frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

  I looked her in the eyes, wanting to be able to see if she’d tell me the truth of her feelings. “Do you think Brayden would cheat?”

  “What?” Her eyes widened, giving me an answer that I liked. She didn’t think he was a cheater. Then again, how would she know? All she saw of Brayden was the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky family man.

  “He works late—”

  “He always worked late. Even when you were working late with him.”

  And many of those nights he fucked me on his desk. Had his secretary replaced me?

  “I don’t see it,” Emma said, shaking her head.

  I looked down, feeling guilty for suspecting him, and at the same time, not sure I wasn’t right. “He’s so distant. It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.”

  “Has he said anything?”

  “That’s just it, we don’t say much to each other and when we do, we often end up arguing.” I wondered what she’d think if I confessed to her that I’d talked to a lawyer. If we couldn’t or wouldn’t change what was missing between us, why should we continue to live in silent misery?

  “You know, there was a time when Derek and I started to drift a bit. Once a child is in the mix, between work and raising a kid, it’s easy to forget the marriage.”

  I nodded. “What did you do?”

  “We nipped it in the bud. We made sure we never went to bed angry. We always had dinner together. We had a date night once a week. I’m so glad we did,” she said wistfully and I knew she was thinking of him fondly. Although we’d already been friends when he’d died, we grew closer when she sought me out to give her advice on helping Nina deal with the loss, since I’d lost a parent.

  “It might be too late for us,” I said.

  She quirked a brow. “You’re still married and living in the same house, it’s not too late. Is it? Are you planning on leaving?”

  I shook my head, not able to confess that I’d been considering it.

  The girls rushed up to the table. “Can we get ice cream, mommy,” Lanie asked.

  “Why not?” I said.

  We got the girls ice cream, and when they finished, we headed out of the mall.

  “Oh, look at that,” Emma said, pointing to a summer dress in the window of a shop.

  “It’ll be winter soon,” I said.

  “It’s sixty-percent off. Perfect time to buy it for next summer. Come on.”

  We all went into the store. I looked through the racks of clothes, not expecting to find anything. Clothes shopping had lost its appeal when I’d gained weight. Now I was all about comfort over style.

  I pulled out an emerald green halter dress, and for a moment, I had that feeling I’d had as a younger woman excited about the possibility of looking stunning. Quickly the feeling dissipated.

  “You definitely need to try that on,” Emma said looking at me over the rack. “That color makes your eyes stand out.”

  I shook my head. “I’d have nowhere to wear it.”

  “So, set up a place to wear it.”

  I shrugged, studying the pretty dress and trying to ignore the longing to be beautiful to Brayden again.

  “Brayden works so much and we don’t go—”

  “So, you set it up. Don’t wait for him. He might be waiting for you to make a move and with you both being stubborn, no wonder you can’t meet in the middle.”

  Maybe she was right. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it on.”

  “That’s more like the Terra I know.”

  Then again, clothes didn’t fit me the way they used to. Chances were instead of the dress making me look prettier, I’d make it look frumpier. But I’d already said I’d try it on.

  “Will you watch Lanie while I try it on?”

  “Of course.”

  I went to the dressing room, trying not to look in the mirror as I took my jeans and shirt off. I slipped on the dress and with a deep breath to shore up my defenses in case I looked hideous, I turned to the mirror.

  The dress hugged hips I hadn’t had before kids, but not in a tight obnoxious way. The dress tapered at the waist and then the halter accentuated my breasts, the one part of me that I didn’t mind was larger. I’d have thought Brayden would have liked my fuller breasts too, but I’m not sure he noticed.

  Because I still had my bra on and the straps were showing, I unclasped it so I could see the dress on me without the support or the showing straps.

  For the first time in a long time, I saw the potential of pretty in me.

  “So, how is it?” Emma asked from outside the dressing area.

  “I’m going to buy it.”

  “Great. And have Brayden take you out?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “You know I’m an excellent babysitter.”

  I laughed, unhooking the halter back. As I leaned over to push the dress down to step out, I caught myself in the mirror. My breasts were hanging forward, but one had a strange mark on the outer side of it.

  Frowning, I stood to get a closer look in the mirror. It was like the skin was puckered. In that moment, I felt my entire world shift. Fear and dread immobilized me. It had been awhile since I’d done a breast exam. I didn’t want to do it now. I closed my eyes, lifting my arm over my head and using my other hand to check the breast. As my fingers pressed against an immovable hard mass about the size of a grape, my legs went weak. I sank down onto the bench as my breath started coming in fast and erratic.

  “You okay in there?” Emma asked. “The troops are getting restless.”

  I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there in a panic, but I needed to get myself together. “Yeah. Just a minute.”

  I went numb, and by rote, put my clothes back on. As I left the dressing room, I put the dress back on the rack.

  “I thought you were going to buy that,” Emma said, watching me with concerned eyes.

  “Changed my mind.” I took Lanie’s hand. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go home.”

  I arrived home, knowing Brayden was there because his car was in the garage. But the house was quiet.

  “Why don’t you put your new things away,” I said to Lanie.

  She trotted up the hall as I went to Noah’s room. Peaking in, I saw Brayden and Noah sound asleep in Noah’s bed.

  For a moment I watched them, as a wave of love and then sadness came over me. I looked away, noticing a new item in Noah’s room. A small fish tank.

  “Oh, hey,�
� Brayden gave me a lazy smile that made me think of when I met and fallen head over heels for him. He quietly scooted off of Noah’s bed. “Did you girls have fun?”

  “Lanie got new shoes.”

  “And you?”

  I looked up at him, wondering when he’d taken such an interest in me. “No.”

  He sighed. “We need to talk, Terra.”

  My heart stalled in my chest. Was this where he told me he was leaving? That he and his secretary were moving in together? Would he change his mind if I told him about the lump in my breast?

  “I’m really tired, Brayden. Can it wait? I’ve got to get Lanie settled and it looks like I’ll have a new chore.” I nodded toward the fish tank.

  He frowned. “It’s not that much work. I showed him what to do.”

  “He’s four.”

  “He likes it.”

  “You just want him to like you.” The minute it was out of my mouth, I regretted it. Unfortunately, it was too late.

  Brayden’s eyes hardened, and any warmth that had been there before was now gone. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. The torrent of seething resentment shone on his face.

  “Daddy, want to see my new shoes?” Lanie skipped up the hall to us.

  He gave me one last look like he wondered who the hell I was, and then stepped into the hall.

  I closed Noah’s door and went to my bedroom’s bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I didn’t know who I was either. But as my gaze drifted to my bustline, I couldn’t worry about whether or not Brayden and my marriage was crashing and burning. No, I had more important concerns, such as what would happen to my children if I had cancer and it took me away from them as it had taken my mother.

  5

  Brayden – Two Weeks Later – Tuesday

  Kyle tossed me a sandwich as he sat at the table across from me. He and I were having a working lunch as we went over the new cloud security system. It had been awhile since I’d felt the tingle and excitement of being on the verge of a great creation. This new program had me feeling alive in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. Maybe not since I met Terra.