Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  Her smile was lovely although a little self-conscious as well. “I’m bigger than I used to be.”

  I rubbed her arms with my hands. “The curves are sexy.” I smiled at her and then leaned in for the kiss I desperately needed.

  When I pulled back, she dipped her head, looking down. Again, I felt like she was putting up a wall.

  “Don’t Terra. Don’t withdraw from me.”

  She smiled, but it felt forced. “Shall we go to dinner?”

  On the drive, I twisted my brain into pretzels trying to figure out what was going on with her. Why was she putting up a wall?

  Instead of going to the restaurant, I drove to the lake and parked. The moon cast a beautiful glow over the water. It had all the makings of romance, but clearly, Terra didn’t want that.

  “What’s going on?” she asked as I turned off the engine.

  “That’s what I want to ask you.” I tried to keep my voice neutral even though I was feeling irritated and desperate. “Let’s go for a walk before dinner.”

  She nodded and once out of the car, we walked along the water. We were silent as I waited for her to take the lead. When she didn’t, I jumped in.

  “Tell me about the cancer.”

  Her eyes closed for a second. She stopped and looked out over the water. “It’s stage three. I’m scheduled to start chemo next week to shrink the tumor.”

  “No surgery?” It seemed to me cutting the thing out was a better option.

  “After the chemo. My doctor is trying to save the breast, I guess.”

  I took her hand and brought it over my heart. “So, it’s treatable?”

  She nodded, but it didn’t seem like she believed it. “He says he feels good about the prognosis…”

  “But you don’t?” That could explain some of her behavior.

  “My mother died of cancer, after a lot of treatment. It doesn’t always work.”

  My heart lurched to my throat as fear gripped me. But she was the one suffering the disease, not me. It was my job to be strong. So, I pushed my fear down.

  I put my arms around her. “You’ll fight and win, Terra.”

  She looked down. “I’ll need you and Emma to help. I know you’ve got a lot going on at work—”

  “Fuck work,” I said. I dropped my forehead to rest against hers. “I know I’ve been a bad husband—”

  “Not bad—”

  “But I love you Terra. That hasn’t changed.”

  “Cancer changes everything.”

  I lifted my head. “You think I’m making an effort because of this?” That annoyed me a little bit. Sure, the urgency of our situation had picked up, but I’d been making an effort before this. “I’ve been trying to reach you even before this, but you’re resistant.”

  She looked down again.

  “Is the cancer why you decided not to divorce me?” Duel emotions of anger and hurt worked their way through my gut at this idea, but I pushed them away. Now wasn’t the time to get into a fight.

  She hesitated, and I realized she was further away from me emotionally than I’d thought. I stepped back, releasing her.

  “I’ll be here for you, no matter what—”

  “Brayden. I didn’t want a divorce. Not really. I thought we were too far gone and—”

  “And that I was fucking my administrative assistant.” Another shot of anger coursed through me.

  “I thought it was possible.”

  A part of me wanted to lash out at her for not trusting me, but considering the state of our marriage, I supposed it wasn’t so off the mark.

  “I know things haven’t been great between us, but you have to know that I’d never cheat. I’ve never lied to you, Terra. Never.”

  She finally looked up at me, into my eyes. “I’m sorry I doubted.”

  “Are you just saying that because you need me?” I regretted those words, and yet I needed to know. Was she just relegating me to being a support person or did she still love me?

  “I do need you, Brayden, but not just because of the cancer. I’ve always needed you. I suppose in some ways that was the problem because you didn’t need me. You were gone so much.”

  Fuck. “I’m going to change that. I’ve been trying to change that, but I’m not sure you want to change.”

  “I do, but maybe it would be easier to wait until we know I’ll be better.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “It won’t be so hard for you to lose me if we keep some distance.”

  I stared at her like she’d gone mad. Because she had. “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. First, I don’t plan to lose you and I hope to hell you plan to fight. Second, losing you would undo me whether it was two weeks ago when I barely talked to you or right now.” I put my hand over my heart. I studied her for a moment. “Would it be easier for you to lose me or leave me if you kept your distance?”

  “No.”

  “Then why do you think it would be for me?”

  She shrugged and I realized that my working a lot had given her the impression that I didn’t care about her anymore.

  “Let me prove to you that you’re still my center,” I said to her. “Open up enough to let me show you that.”

  She sniffed and I noticed a tear falling down her face.

  I wiped it away. “Let me take you on a date.”

  She gave me a small smile. “Okay.”

  During the drive to the restaurant, Terra explained her cancer and treatment plan to me, and I made a mental note to redo my work schedule. She also said she felt the need to get her ducks in order, which I wanted to scoff at because the only outcome for me was that she’d beat this disease. But I held my tongue knowing it would give her some peace to know the kids would be taken care of.

  Once at the restaurant though, we didn’t talk about the cancer. We agreed to have a normal date. I told her about the cloud security project. She asked me questions about it, something she hadn’t done about my work in a while.

  We also talked about the kids, and how lately Noah seemed to be coming out of his shell.

  “When my treatment is done, I want to sign him up for karate,” she said. “I’d do it now, but I’m afraid it will be hard to add something new to an already busy schedule.”

  “Let’s sign him up now. I’ll rearrange my schedule to get him there. Plus, if we pull him from soccer, which he hates anyway, that’s eliminating the extra.”

  “I don’t want this to impact your life or the kids.”

  “Terra, it’s okay that your needs impact us. Don’t worry about that. Your only focus now should be getting healthy. And falling in love with me again.” I smiled, hoping she saw my comment as levity.

  “I can’t do what I’ve already done.”

  For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe she was taking a step toward me, instead of away.

  When we got home, the kids were in bed. I helped Emma get Nina to her car and thanked her for babysitting. When I got back inside, Terra was coming out of Noah’s room. I took that as a good sign that she wasn’t lying down with him.

  “The kids are sleeping. I think Emma and Nina wore them out,” she said as she walked to our room.

  The minute she was in the door, I closed it behind us and pulled her to me. “I want to make love to you.”

  In the past, I’d just put on the moves to have sex, but it had been so long and there was so much going on, I felt the need to tell her.

  She pulled back. “I’m not as attractive—”

  “You are.”

  She went to her dresser, taking off her jewelry. I stepped up behind her, putting my hand on her stomach as I pulled her back against me so she could feel my erection.

  Her gaze lifted to the mirror as she looked at me through the reflection.

  “See. You turn me on.”

  “There’s more to me—”

  “I know.” I waggled my eyebrows at her through the reflection. My hands slid over her hips. “I’ve got a bet
ter grip here.” I leaned over and kissed her shoulder as my hands traveled over her belly and then higher. I wanted to cup her breasts and tell her how much I liked the fuller size, but stopped as I remembered her cancer. Were they tender? Was she worried about losing them?

  Her hands rested on mine. “You don’t want to touch my breasts.”

  “I do. But I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “They don’t hurt. But what happens if I end up having a mastectomy? The thing you find the most erotic about me will be gone.”

  “Terra.” I turned her toward me as my heart broke for her. “It’s more than tits that make me hard. It’s you. I love you. I love touching your body, not just your tits. I love being inside you.”

  She looked down and I knew why. If I loved it so much, why hadn’t I made love to her in so long.

  “Many nights I’ve come home wanting you, but I didn’t think you were interested,” I said by way of explanation. “And if you don’t want to make love now, I’ll understand.”

  “I do want to. I just don’t want you to be disappointed.”

  “Oh baby, that wouldn’t ever happen. I don’t want to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

  She reached behind her to release the clasp of the halter of her dress. She peeled the front down, exposing her lovely creamy tits. My mouth watered to suck them, but I resisted. Cancer was growing there and I didn’t want to do anything to hurt her.

  She cupped her tits. “I want you to ravish them.”

  My dick, already hard, turned to steel.

  “While they’re here, untouched, I want to savor them. I want you to savor them,” she finished.

  I leaned forward and gently kissed the tip of one nipple. “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.”

  I wanted to do exactly as she asked; savor her tits. But I didn’t plan to focus on just each soft globe. I wanted to worship all of her. I started with her lips, pulling her to me and fusing my mouth with hers in a kiss that harkened back to our beginning. It was firm, deep, exploratory, and set the tone for what was to come.

  14

  Terra

  It was wrong of me to try to keep my distance from Brayden. He was right in that a part of me thought that his being away so much meant he wasn’t as invested in me, but that was an excuse so I could blame him for our troubles. I knew who he was when I fell in love with him. He worked hard, willing to put in extra hours for a job well done.

  I’d also known that his own poverty-filled childhood was a big part of what drove him to succeed. I’d been a part of his world until we had kids, so it was wrong of me to expect him to change that once we had kids. In fact, when I quit to stay home, he had to pick up some of the slack my leaving left behind, so of course he had to work more.

  Not that our problems were all my fault, but I wasn’t blameless. Neither of us were bad people. We’d just gotten so caught up in our roles as provider and mother, we forgot to nurture us. He’d been trying to fix that lately and I’d been the one putting the breaks on. It was cruel of me and senseless. He was right in that just because we’d lost each other didn’t mean our feelings had changed.

  My giving in to him wasn’t just about wanting to reconnect with him in such a beautiful and primal way. It was also about wanting to have a last moment of normalcy. My body was intact. I had the energy and desire. And my husband wanted me. Starting next week, that would change. At least my energy and probably desire. So, I was going to savor this moment as well.

  Brayden’s lips consumed mine in a way they hadn’t in a long, long time. His taste and the fervor of his mouth working mine send an electric current straight to my center. Instinctively, I ground my pelvis against him, wishing we were already naked and he was filling me.

  “I need you.” My voice was desperate against his mouth, as my hands worked the buttons of his shirt.

  He pulled away, holding my arms. “We have all night. Let’s use it well.”

  I nodded, but need continued to course through me. It was almost as if I needed him inside me to make me whole again.

  As if he could see it in me, he said, “I’m going to take care of you Terra.” He took his time undressing me. His hands slowly caressing my skin as each part of my body was exposed. When I was naked, he turned me until I was facing the mirror again.

  “Look at how beautiful you are.” His hands slid over my shoulders.

  I suppose it was typical for a mom, but what I saw were heaving breasts that once were higher, a small pouch on my belly that had once been taut, and round soft flesh over my hips that once had been narrow.

  He must have known I didn’t see whatever it was he was seeing. “Look how beautiful I think you are.”

  I lifted my gaze to his in the reflection. His blue eyes were filled with emotion and desire. His gaze drifted down to my breasts and I saw a flash of heat in them as his thumbs flicked over my nipples.

  “Remember how I could almost make you come by sucking these?” his voice was husky.

  “Yes,” I said on a thready whisper. Tears filled my eyes as I wondered what would happen if I had to lose them. The idea of not feeling his lips tug and suck on them hurt.

  He stilled his hands. “I’m sorry—”

  “No.” I took his hands put them back on my breasts. “They’re still here. I want to remember what it's like when you touch me.”

  He turned me, taking my hand and leading me to the bed. As I lay down, he finished undressing. My gaze went to his dick. It was long and thick as it stood stiff out from him. I realized it had been a long time since I’d seen it, except the time I caught him masturbating. I’d forgotten how impressive and beautiful it was. Soft pink skin stretched tight over steel-hard arousal.

  “Remember when we measured it,” I said, reaching out to draw my finger along the length.

  “I think he set a record that night.”

  “Did you used to always masturbate in the shower?”

  His gaze jerked to mine as if he was gauging my mood. “Sometimes. Do you?”

  I realized I hadn’t had an orgasm from him or myself in a long time. I shook my head. “I feel so dull and frumpy.”

  He shook his head. “I want to rid you of that. Look at my cock. He should tell you how sexy you are.” He moved over me, laying beside me on the bed. He ran his hand over my belly and to the nest of curls between my thighs.

  “If you’re not touching yourself, it’s been a long time since you’ve come,” he said.

  I nodded.

  “I’m going to make up for that too.” He maneuvered over me, pushing my thighs apart to settle between them. He kissed me again, this time with less fervor and yet it still sent sparks through my blood.

  His kiss traveled down my neck and over my collarbone. He licked my nipple and then watched it as it puckered. He sucked it and I gasped at the sensation. It was as if he was sucking on my clit. My hips lifted, seeking his entrance.

  Instead of his dick, his fingers slid through my folds, softly stroking the sensitive flesh.

  I moaned. “Don’t tease me.”

  “No teasing,” he whispered. He inserted his finger inside me and suckled my nipple.

  “Yes, oh Brayden, yes…” I held his head to my chest as my hips rocked to the intrusion of his finger. “More…more…” It was embarrassing how fast I flew up to teeter on the edge, but I didn’t think about it. All I could think about was him, touching me. Again. Finally.

  He inserted two fingers and gently fucked me, moving them in and out.

  “Come for me, baby.” His fingers moved faster, his lips sucked harder, and then his thumb brushed over my clit and I cried out as the most glorious wave of ecstasy washed through me. It radiated out from my pussy to every neuron in my body. If pleasure cured, my cancer would be gone and I’d never be sick again.

  He continued his ministrations, slowly bringing me down. When I finally caught my breath, I opened my eyes to find him looking at me.

  “Ready for more?”

>   I didn’t know what he had planned, but I knew what I wanted. Needed. “I need you inside me, Brayden.”

  He hesitated for a moment but then acquiesced. “We’ve got all night.”

  I suppose that meant whatever he thought he might do, he could do later.

  He settled his hips between my thighs. “Do I need a condom?”

  The question was odd considering we hadn’t used condoms since we’d become a couple.

  “It’s been awhile…or maybe your treatments…” His expression was uncertain, like he felt uncomfortable mentioning how long it had been or perhaps bringing up my cancer.

  “I’m still on the pill.” The doctor hadn’t said anything about not taking it, but perhaps I needed to ask. In fact, Brayden and I were still young. While we hadn’t discussed having more children, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Would my treatment make it impossible for that to happen?

  Now wasn’t the time to ponder all that. Now it was time to be one with my husband.

  “Please,” I said as I lifted my hips, needing him to fill me.

  His fingers brushed my cheeks. “I love you, Terra. You know that, right?”

  I nodded. “Yes.” My hands slid to his hips, guiding him to me.

  He pressed his hips down. I arched as his cock slid inside me. Each inch of him pushing away the loneliness, replacing it with the warmth and love.

  “Yes.” I held on to him, never wanting to let him go. I wanted to stay like this, with him deep inside me forever.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he said.

  I reached up and pulled his head to me so I could kiss him. He kissed me back as he began to move his hips.

  I gasped at the pleasure. It was more than just the sensation of his thick dick sliding along my sensitive pussy walls. It was being a part of him again.

  “I’ve missed you,” I said on a sigh.

  “I’m here, baby. Right here.” He levered up on his hands as his pace picked up. “But I’m so fucking close…I’m sorry I can’t wait…”

  “Don’t wait.” I wrapped my legs around his hips and gripped his shoulders with my hands. “Don’t hold back.”