I wanted to burst into tears, but somehow managed to keep it together. “I don’t want to either, baby. But I’m fighting.”
Noah’s little arms came around me too.
“I love you both so much,” I said. “Don’t ever forget that, okay?”
“’kay,” they both said.
We played and laughed, and I savored every moment of it. I hoped that if things went bad for me that I’d always be able to remember this day.
I was exhausted when we got home. I texted Brayden to see when he’d be home, which I hope he took to be a cue that it was safe for him to return. Not that I wasn’t going to give him a piece of my mind at some point, but I was calm from the anger I had for him this afternoon.
Finishing up at office. Will be late, but this will be the last time. I promise.
I tossed my phone on the counter, wondering why I always let him get to me. Of course, he was at the office. Of course, he’d be late. And like always, he said it would change. But it never did. If he wasn’t going to change after missing an important appointment today, he wasn’t ever going to change. It was time to accept that.
“How about we order pizza?” I asked the kids. I was too tired to cook.
“Extra cheese, please,” Lanie called from where she and Noah were watching TV.
“And anchovies?” I joked.
“Ewww,” came from the both of them.
My phone rang, and looking at the screen I saw it was Brayden. It was immature, but I hit the “Ignore” button on my phone.
“How about we camp out?” I called to the kids.
“Camp?” Lanie asked.
“We’ll put a tent up in the living room and pretend we’re camping. I’ll even make us some s’mores.” Of course, I’d microwave them instead of roasting marshmallows over a fire, but still, chocolate, marshmallow, and graham crackers were a treat however they were made.
“Yay!”
“Can I help with s’mores?” Noah asked.
“You both can.”
My phone dinged with a text notification.
I know I’m giving you the same line, Terra. I promise you; it will be different after tonight. I love you. I hope you believe me.
I believed he loved me. I didn’t believe things would be different after tonight. I left the phone on the counter. His phone would let him know his text was opened. My lack of response would tell him what I thought about his vows to change.
“I’ll order the pizza and then get the tent from the garage. You kids go round up some pillows and blankets.” I grabbed the landline phone to order the pizza.
An hour later, we were inside the tent with our pizza and s’mores, surrounded by pillows, stuffed animals and baby dolls.
“Can we go camping for real someday?” Noah asked.
“That would be so fun,” I said, not wanting to make any promises. “You and Lanie could catch fish for dinner.”
Both of them squinched up their noses.
“Maybe daddy can catch the fish if he can come with us,” Lanie said.
“Maybe,” I said, wishing Brayden could be more present with the kids.
“Can we make s’mores then too?” Lanie bopped up and down on her knees.
“Of course. It’s not a real camping trip without s’mores.”
“When can we go mommy?” She dipped her pizza crust in ranch dressing as her father always did.
“It’s a bit cold now. Maybe next summer.” God please let me be well enough, I thought.
“Can I bring George?” Noah asked.
“George should probably stay home. But we can have Emma and Nina check on him while we’re gone.”
“When is daddy going to get us shrimp?” Lanie said around a mouthful of pizza crust.
“I don’t know. Maybe we can go this weekend.” If Brayden wouldn’t follow through on the shrimp, I would. Emma said Nina’s shrimp was easy to care for and that it even helped keep the tank clean.
“I’m going to name my shrimp Steven. That’s the name of my best friend at school.” Noah picked up a s’more and took a bite, leaving chocolate and marshmallow on his face.
“That’s a great name,” I said.
“I don’t know what I’m going to name mine.” Lanie pushed her pizza aside and reached for a s’more. “I just hope daddy didn’t forget.”
He doesn’t forget, I wanted to tell them. He just lets himself get distracted with work. It was time for me to accept that.
As the day came to an end and I put them to bed, I was satisfied that we’d squeezed every bit of joy we could from life. Granted I was sick and Brayden was MIA again, but for a few hours, the kids and I lived in bliss.
“I had fun, mommy,” Noah’s sleepy voice said as I tucked him in.
“Me too, baby.”
“Can you stay with me?” he asked.
I reached for the stuffed animal Brayden had used to help him sleep, but then I set it aside and lay down with him. I pulled him close, inhaling his sweet little boy scent from his bath. My life was filled with challenges, from an absent husband and cancer, but I had two beautiful children. Whatever happened to me or my marriage, I’d always be grateful for my kids.
I remembered back to not long before my mother died. She was so weak and rarely awake. But I lay with her and she’d been able to put her arm over me.
“You’re my pride and joy,” she’d said. “I wouldn’t change anything.”
At the time, her statement had pissed me off. Why wouldn’t she change the cancer? Now I understood that she was saying she’d endure the cancer again if it meant having me. Given the choice of having me or being cancer-free, she’d choose me. I’d make the same choice. My kids were everything to me. I’d live on through them as my mother did through me.
I hoped my doctor was right in my prognosis being good, but if not, I’d savor my children and live as much as I could until my fight ended.
23
Brayden (Friday)
If I wasn’t able to pull this off, Terra was going to divorce me for sure, I thought as I worked to make things right. While I knew my plan needed time, I’d hoped to pull off a miracle and do it in a night. That hadn’t been possible and two days later I was still working like a madman to make things right. Two days was faster than any normal person would expect for such a project, but it was likely two days too many for my marriage to survive.
This time I really didn’t have a choice but to work late if I was going to finally fulfill my empty promise to Terra. Not that she understood that. No, she saw me as reverting back to old behavior and she’d spent the last two nights back with Noah, and barely talked to me. Not that I could blame her because on her end, I’m sure it looked like I was giving her the same old line. I just had to hope that when I finished up this project, she’d see I was telling the truth and it wouldn’t be too late for us.
At least she wasn’t the type to turn the kids against me. Not that they needed help to see that I was absent a lot. They had eyes. Fortunately, they didn’t seem resentful yet.
“Daddy, when can we get shrimp?” Lanie asked in the morning as I got them ready for school.
“I’m going to name mine Steven,” Noah added.
Fuck, I’d hadn’t followed through on that. “How about this weekend?”
“Yay. I can’t wait.” Lanie clapped her hands. I wished I could say something that had Terra smiling with joy and excitement. Hopefully, when this was all said and done, the damage I’d done wasn’t irreparable.
On Friday, I worked with Kyle to finalize my plans and crossed my fingers that by that afternoon, I’d have everything in place. Maybe I’d even make it home for dinner.
After lunch, I took an hour and went to the cancer support group. I’d been so uncomfortable during the last one, but now, I found myself needing to be around them. They understood the challenges cancer brought to a family. They also seemed to understand my personal struggle. With Terra pulling away from me, I felt like I was floundering. I hoped Bob and
the group could reassure me that I was on the right track and give me the last bit of courage and support I needed to get this done and then win my wife back.
“I’m glad you’re back Brayden,” Bob said when I walked in. A part of me felt guilty for being there. I’d made time for this meeting, but hadn’t been on time for Terra’s last appointment. Still, I needed these people right now to help me get over the next hurdle.
“Thank you. I wasn’t sure I would,” I admitted.
“It can be hard to bare your soul, and yet it’s good for you.” Bob poured himself a coffee and got a Danish.
I passed on the Danish, but did get some coffee.
The angry woman and the guy married to Lisa were there, as well as the leaders and all the others from the last meeting.
Like the first meeting, I held back from participating. Just being in a room of people who were in a similar situation was calming.
“My husband got angry with me because I can’t go with him on his next rounds of chemo,” a woman who hadn’t spoken much the last time said. “My boss won’t let me off work and we need insurance from my job.”
“Surely he understands that,” Sam said.
“He does and he doesn’t. I want to be there, but I don’t want to upset my boss either.”
“You don’t want to risk losing your insurance, either,” said the angry woman, who wasn’t angry, but did seem annoyed.
“You got time off for this meeting,” Denise pointed out.
“We close early on Fridays. On Wednesday when I got back from this meeting, I was called into my boss’s office and he expressed concern about how much time I was away. Wednesday I was on my lunch break, but even so.”
I felt bad for her, but mostly I felt like a bigger ass. I didn’t have a boss preventing me from being with my family. I didn’t have to worry about losing health insurance. And yet, I’d still not been fully present for Terra’s treatments and doctor’s appointments.
Everyone chimed in with support and suggestions, except me because I didn’t think I had anything to offer her.
“How are you Brayden?” Denise asked as we moved on to the next topic.
“I’m…in limbo.”
“What do you mean?” Sam prodded.
“I’ve made a decision that is taking me longer to enact and so, my life is the same, at least where my wife is concerned. I thought I could get it done fast and then focus on her, but that’s not happening.”
“Have you explained to her?” Bob asked.
“I’ve tried but she’s avoiding me. And I’ve said things before to indicate I’d change, but then didn’t. Until it’s done, she won’t believe me. I don’t blame her really.”
“Is her treatment done?” another member asked.
“She has surgery in two weeks. Double mastectomy and then more chemo and radiation. I want to be there one hundred percent for that.”
“Before it seemed like your fear of losing everything and living like you did as a child was preventing you from taking the time you needed. What’s different about what you’re trying to pull off now that your concern about losing it all won’t get in the way?” Sam asked.
“That’s not driving me now. I need to get this last thing done and then I can give her what she needs. I just worry she won’t want me anymore.”
“You don’t think she still loves you?” Bob put his hand on my shoulder.
“I think she’ll always love me, but maybe not be in love with me, if that makes sense.” The thing that hurt me to my core was how she’d look at me. Like I was a disappointment. I swore I could see her love for me leaving each time I looked into her eyes. She didn’t look at me the same as she had back when we dated and early in our marriage.
“I wouldn’t worry about it if you’re really going to follow through,” Bob reassured me.
“I don’t know. She’d talked to a lawyer before her cancer diagnosis.”
There was a collected of, “oh” in the group. That made me feel worse. It solidified that feeling like I was on the edge of losing everything, only now I knew what that really meant. I never wanted to be homeless and hungry again, but I could survive if I did. Losing Terra and my kids, that would be the end of me.
“Open communication is always the best course of action,” Sam said.
“She’s not talking to me. She won’t pick up when I call or respond to my texts. She’s not sleeping in our bed.”
This time a few winced.
“She may not be talking or even wanting to listen, but that doesn’t stop you from talking or texting. You can’t give up, Brayden. The minute you stop trying, then your marriage is over,” Denise said.
I rubbed my hand over my chest because my heart ached so fucking bad.
“You still have time,” Bob patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t give up.”
This time I left group feeling worse, and at the same time even more committed to get this project done asap.
When I got back to the office, Kyle was waiting for me. “We’ve got a problem.”
Fuck. No more problems. “What?”
“I put the new paperwork on your desk.”
I looked over the paperwork with several crossed out items and penned in changes, none of which I found acceptable. I sat back in my chair feeling completely defeated.
“I have an idea,” Kyle said standing in front of my desk.
“Let’s hear it.” Why couldn’t anything go right, just once?
“Bidding war.”
I arched a brow. “Is that possible?”
“I think so. If you’re serious about this.”
I leaned forward and looked Kyle directly in the eyes. “I’m serious.”
There was a flash of disappointment, which I understood. Things would be changing for Kyle and everyone else here. But as much as I liked Kyle, Terra and my family came first. This was my best course of action.
“You don’t think I’m doing the right thing?” I asked anyway. He deserved to have input since this was going to affect him.
“I do. I don’t necessarily like it, but I get it. And I want to help you achieve this.”
“Thank you, Kyle.”
He stood. “I’ll go make a couple of calls and see what sort of trouble I can stir up.”
I laughed. “You’re good a trouble.”
When he left, I looked at the paperwork, and pulled out my own pen to respond. My phone bleeped with a text notification.
The kids and I are going to stay with my dad.
My heart fell. She was finally doing it. She was leaving me.
My fingers shook, from anger and fear as I texted back. Don’t give up on me, Terra.
Then, thinking this conversation wasn’t right to have via text, I dialed her number. As I waited for her to pick up, my phone notified me of another text.
I haven’t told him about the cancer. I need to see him.
My brain scrambled for how to respond. Maybe she wasn’t leaving after all. I’ll meet you there after work.
No. Please don’t come.
I closed my eyes as I realized it was already too late. She was done. I was on the verge of putting everything right, but it was too late.
You’re leaving me over text? I don’t know why I was surprised. She’d consulted a lawyer without my knowing. Why would she tell me she was planning to leave? I’m sure she’d say it was because she never saw me, but it wasn’t like I was never home. I was in my bed, alone, every night. She could talk to me then.
Just a week.
A week. So, she wasn’t leaving or her time away was a test run for divorce? I wanted to ask about the kids’ education, but her father lived on the outskirts of Seattle, not that far away that she couldn’t get the kids to and from school.
Am I expected to go a week without seeing the kids?
There was a pause that made me think she hadn’t considered I’d miss them. It pissed me off even though I knew it was my own damn fault.
If you want to pick them u
p any day after school and spend time with them, you can. Let me know.
I wanted to suggest that she leave the kids with me, but clearly, that wasn’t possible right now. I couldn’t take the time, which highlighted why all this was happening.
I wanted to talk to her, yell at her even. But my marriage was on the line and I had to tread carefully.
I want to see all of you.
Again, there was a delay before the text came through.
I need this break, Brayden. I need to sort things out.
I had no choice but to go along with her as much as I hated it. As angry and hurt as I was, what I wanted was for her to not give up on me. I had to say something that would cause her to give me a chance or to not write me off completely.
Do me a favor while you’re there. Don’t forget that I love you.
I waited ten minutes before I accepted that she wasn’t going to reply. I was an idiot to sit there and not go after her, and yet, it was clear she wanted time away. Would I do more damage by giving her time or by demanding that she talk to me? Why was talking to her so fucking hard when in the beginning it had been so easy?
“I got a bite,” Kyle said sticking his head in the door. “Actually, I’ve got two.”
There was one thing I could be counted on, which was why my marriage was failing. I motioned Kyle in, and got to work.
I felt like a terrible father that I didn’t arrange to see my kids everyday while Terra was with her father. But I realized that even when they were home, I didn’t always see them or see them very much. It was a reminder how self-centered I really was and something that was going to change. I had to hope Terra would give me another chance, but even if she didn’t, I would do better with the kids. I just needed to get through this week and I’d be able to dedicate more time to them.
On Wednesday, I went to the cancer support group, and then later that afternoon, I picked up the kids from school. They acted the same which I was thankful for. They didn’t seem to feel like I’d abandoned them or their mother had taken them away. I took them to the park and then to dinner, hearing all about what they were learning at school and some of the things they were doing at their grandfather’s house.
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 81