Blasphemy: New and Selected Stories

by Sherman Alexie

  “Hey, Frank, man, I don’t like what I’m seeing here. You’re hurting really bad here. You maybe want me to call somebody for you?”

  Frank laughed and ran. He ran away from Preacher and the basketball court. Frank ran until he fell on somebody’s green, green lawn, and then Frank stood and ran again.

  After Preacher’s devastating sermon, Frank didn’t play basketball for two weeks. He didn’t leave the house or answer the telephone or the door. He ate all of the food in the house and then drank only water and fruit juice. He was on his own personal hunger strike. Mr. Death, you are an obese bastard, Frank thought, and I’m going to starve you down until I can fit my hands around your throat and choke you. Frank lost fifteen pounds in fifteen days. He wondered how long he could live without food. Forty, fifty, sixty days? He wondered who would find his body.

  Three weeks after Preacher’s sermon, and after dozens of unanswered phone calls, Russell found Frank’s address in his files, drove to the house, crawled through an unlocked window, and found Frank dead in bed. Well, he thought Frank was dead.

  “You’re breaking and entering,” Frank said and opened his eyes.

  “You scared me,” Russell said. “I thought you were dead.”

  “Black man, you keep crawling through windows in this gentrified neighborhood, and you’re going to get shot in your handsome African head.”

  “I was worried about you.”

  “Well, aren’t you the full-service personal trainer? You should be charging me more.” Frank sat up in bed. He was pale and clammy and far too thin.

  “You look terrible, Frank. You’re really sick.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m going to call for help, okay? We need to get you help, all right?”

  “Okay.”

  Russell walked into the kitchen to use the telephone and hurried back.

  “They’ll be here soon,” he said.

  “What would you have done if you’d come too late?” Frank asked. “You know, part of me wishes you’d waited too long.”

  “I did wait too long. You’re sick. And I helped you get sick. I’m sorry. I just wanted to believe in what you believed.”

  “You’re not going to hug me now, are you?” Frank asked.

  Both men laughed.

  “No, I’m not going to hug you, I’m not going to kiss you, I’m not going to recite poetry to you,” Russell said. “And I’m not going to crawl under these nasty sheets with you, either.”

  An ambulance siren wailed in the distance.

  “Because, well,” Frank said, “I know you’re gay and all, and I care about you a bunch, but not in that way. If we were stuck on a deserted island or something, or if we were in prison, then maybe we could be Romeo and Juliet, but in the real world, you’re going to have to admire me from afar.”

  “Yeah, let me tell you,” Russell said, “I’ve always been very attracted to straight, suicidal, bipolar anorexics.”

  “And I’ve always been attracted to gay, black, narcissistic codependents.”

  Both men laughed again because they were good at laughing.

  One year after Russell saved Frank’s life, after four months of residential treatment and eight months of inpatient counseling, Frank walked into the admissions office at West Seattle Community College. He’d gained three extra pounds for every twelve of the steps he’d taken over the last year, so he was fat. Not unhappy and fat, not fat and happy, but fat and alive, and hungry, always hungry.

  “Can I help you? Is there anything I can do?” the desk clerk asked. She was young, blonde, and tentative. A work-study student or scholarship kid, Frank thought, smart and pretty and poor.

  “Yeah,” he said, feeling damn tentative as well. “I think, well, I want to go to school here.”

  “Oh, that’s good. That’s really great. I can help. I can help you with that.”

  She ducked beneath the counter, came back up with a thick stack of paper, and set it on the counter.

  “Here you go, this is it,” she said. “You have to fill these out. Fill them out, and sign them, and bring them back. These are admission papers. You fill them out and you can get admitted.”

  Frank stared at the thick pile of paper, as mysterious and frightening to him as Stonehenge. The young woman recognized the fear in his eyes. She came from a place where that fear was common.

  “What’s your name?” she asked.

  “Frank,” he said. “Frank Snake Church.”

  “Are you Native American?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Well, they have a Native American admissions officer here. Her name is Stephanie. She works with the Native Americans. She can help you with admissions. You’re Native American, right?”

  “Yes, I’m Indian.”

  “If you don’t mind me asking, it’s a personal question, but how old are you?”

  “I’m forty-one.”

  “You know, they also have a program here for older students, you know, for the people who went to college when you were young—when you were younger—and come back.”

  “I never went to college before.”

  “Well, the program is for all older students, you know? They call it Second Wind.”

  “Second Wind? That sound like a bowel condition you have when you’re old.”

  The young woman laughed. “That’s funny. You’re funny. It does sound sort of funny, doesn’t it? But it’s a really good program. And they can help you. The Second Wind program can help you.”

  She reached beneath the counter again, pulled out another stack of paper, and set it beside the other stack of paper. So much paper, so much work. He didn’t know why he was here; he’d come here only because his therapist had suggested it. Frank felt stupid and inadequate. He’d made a huge mistake by quitting his Forest Service job, but he could probably go back. He didn’t want to go to college; he wanted to walk the quiet forests and think about nothing as often as he could.

  “Hey, listen,” Frank said, “I’ve got another thing to go to. I’ll come back later.”

  “No, listen,” she said, because she was poor and smart and had been poorer and was now smarter than people assumed she was. “I know this is scary. I was scared to come here. I’ll help you. I’ll take you to Stephanie.”

  She came around the counter and took his hand. She was only eighteen, and she led him by the hand down the hallway toward the Native American Admissions Office.

  “My name is Lynn,” she said as they walked together, as she led him by the hand.

  “I’m Frank.”

  “I know, you already told me that.”

  He was scared, and she knew it and didn’t hate him for it. She wasn’t afraid of his fear, and she wouldn’t hurt him for it. She was so young and so smart, and she led him by the hand.

  Lynn led him into the Native American Admissions Office, Room 21A at West Seattle Community College in Seattle, Washington, a city named after a Duwamish Indian chief who died alone and drunk and poor and forgotten, only to be remembered decades after his death for words of wisdom he’d supposedly said, but words that had been written by the mayor’s white assistant. Mr. Death, Frank thought, if a lie is beautiful, then is it truly a lie?

  Lynn led Frank into the simple office. Sitting at a metal desk, a chubby Indian woman with old-fashioned eyeglasses looked up at the odd pair.

  “Dang, Lynn,” the Indian woman said. “I didn’t know you like them old and dark.”

  “Old and dark and bitter,” Lynn said. “Like bus-station coffee.”

  The women laughed together. Frank thought they were smart and funny, too smart and funny for him to compete with, too smart and funny for him to understand. He knew he wasn’t smart and funny enough to be in their presence.

  “This is Mr. Frank Snake Church,” Lynn said with overt formality, with respect. “He is very interested in attending our beloved institution, but he’s never been to college before. He’s a Native American and a Second Winder.”

  T
he young woman spoke with much more confidence and power than she had before. How many people must underestimate her, Frank thought, and get their heads torn off.

  “Hello, Mr. Frank Snake Church,” the Indian woman said, “I’m Stephanie. Why don’t you have a seat and we’ll set you up.”

  “I told you she was great,” Lynn said. She led him by the hand to a wooden chair across the desk from Stephanie. Lynn sat him down and kissed him on the cheek. She came from a place, from a town and street, from a block and house, where all of the men had quit, had surrendered, had simply stopped and lay down in the street to die before they were fifteen years old. And here was an old man, a frightened man the same age as her father, and he was beautiful like Jesus, and scared like Jesus, and rising from the dead like Jesus. She kissed him because she wanted to pray with him and for him, but she didn’t know if he would accept her prayers, if he even believed in prayers. She kissed him, and Frank wanted to cry because this young woman, this stranger, had been so kind and generous. He knew he would never have another conversation with Lynn apart from hurried greetings and smiles and quick hugs and exclamations. She would soon graduate and transfer to a four-year university, taking her private hopes and dreams to a private college. After that, he would never see her again but would always remember her, would always associate the smell of chalk and new books and floor polish and sea-salt air with her memory. She kissed him on the cheek, touched his shoulder, and hurried out the door, back to the work that was paying for school that was saving her life.

  “So, Mr. Snake Church,” Stephanie said. “What tribe are you?”

  “I’m Spokane,” he said, his voice cracking.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yes,” he said. But he wasn’t. He covered his face and cried.

  She came around the table and knelt beside him.

  “Frank,” she said. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here.”

  With Stephanie’s help, Frank enrolled in Math 99, English 99, History 99, Introduction to Computer Science, and Physical Education.

  His first test was in math.

  The first question was a story problem: “Bobby has forty dollars when he walks into the supermarket. If Bobby buys three loaves of bread for ten dollars each, and he buys a bottle of orange juice for three dollars, how much money will he have left?”

  Frank didn’t have to work the problem on paper. He did the math in his head. Bobby would have seven bucks left, but he’d paid too much for the bread and not enough for the juice. Easy cheese, Frank thought, confident he could do this.

  With one question answered, Frank moved ahead to the others.

  Three weeks into his first quarter, Frank walked across campus to the athletic center and knocked on the basketball coach’s door.

  “Come in,” the coach said.

  Frank stepped inside and sat across the desk from the coach, a big white man with curly blond hair. He was maybe Frank’s age or a little older.

  “How can I help you?” the coach asked.

  “I want to play on your basketball team.”

  The coach smiled and leaned toward Frank. “How old are you?” he asked.

  “Forty-one,” Frank said.

  “Do you have any athletic eligibility left?”

  “This is my first time in college. So that means I have all my eligibility, right?”

  “That’s right.”

  “I thought so. I looked it up.”

  “I bet you did. Not a whole lot of forty-one-year-old guys are curious about their athletic eligibility.”

  “How old are you?” Frank asked.

  “Forty-three. But my eligibility is all used up.”

  “I know, you played college ball at the University of Washington. And high school ball at Roosevelt.”

  “Did you look that up, too?”

  “No, I remember you. I played against you in high school. And I was supposed to play with you at UW.”

  The coach studied Frank’s face for a while, and then he remembered. “Snake Church,” he said.

  “Yes,” Frank said, feeling honored.

  “You were good. No, you were great. What happened to you?”

  “That doesn’t matter. My history isn’t important. I’m here now, and I want to play ball for you.”

  “You don’t look much like a ballplayer anymore.”

  “I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year. I’ve been in residential treatment for some mental problems.”

  “You don’t have to tell me this.”

  “No, I need to be honest. I need to tell you these things. Before I got sick, I was in the best shape of my life. I can get there again.”

  The coach stood. “Come on,” he said. “I want to show you something.”

  He led Frank out of the office and to the balcony overlooking the basketball court. The community-college team ran an informal scrimmage. Ten young and powerful black men ran the court with grace and poetry. It was beautiful. Frank wanted to be a part of it.

  “Hey!” the coach yelled down to his players. “Run a dunk drill!”

  Laughing and joking, the black men formed two lines and ran the drill. All of them could easily dunk two-handed, including the five-foot-five point guard.

  “That’s pretty good, right?” the coach asked.

  “Yes,” Frank said.

  “All right!” the coach yelled down to his players. “Now run the real dunk drill!”

  Serious now, all of the young men ripped off reverse dunks, 360-degree dunks, alley-oops, bounce-off-the-floor-and-off-the-backboard dunks, and one big guy dunked two balls at the same time.

  “I’ve built myself a great program here,” the coach said. “I’ve had forty players go Division One in the last ten years. All ten guys down there have Division One talent. It’s the best team I’ve ever had.”

  “They look great,” Frank said.

  “Do you really think you can compete with them? Twenty years ago, maybe. But now? I’m happy you’re here, Frank, I’m proud of you for coming back to college, but I think you’re dreaming about basketball.”

  “Let me down there,” Frank said. “And I’ll show you something.”

  The coach thought it over. What did he have to lose? If basketball was truly a religion, as he believed, then he needed to practice charity in order to be a truly spiritual man.

  “All right,” the coach said. “Let’s see how much gas you have left in the tank.”

  Frank and the coach walked down to the court and greeted the players.

  “Okay, men,” the coach said. “I’ve got a special guest today.”

  “Hey, Coach, is that your chiropractor?” the big guy asked.

  They laughed.

  “No, this is Frank Snake Church. He’s going to run a little bit with you guys.”

  Wearing black jeans, a black T-shirt, and white basketball shoes, Frank looked like a coffee-shop waiter.

  “Hey, Coach, is he going to run in his street clothes?”

  “He can talk,” Coach said. “Ask him.”

  “Yo, old-timer,” said the point guard. “Is this one of those Make-A-Wish things? Are we your dying request?”

  They laughed.

  “Yes,” Frank said.

  They stopped laughing.

  “Shit, man,” the point guard said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean no harm. What you got, the cancer?”

  “No, I’m not dying. It’s for my father and mother. They’re dead, and I’m trying to remember them.”

  Uncomfortable, the players shuffled their feet and looked to their coach for guidance.

  “Frank, are you okay?” asked the coach, wishing he hadn’t let this nostalgic stunt go so far.

  “I want to be honest with all of you,” Frank said. “I’m a little crazy. Basketball has made me a little crazy. And that’s probably a little scary to you guys. I know you all grew up with tons of crazy, and you’re playing ball to get away from it. But I don’t mean to harm anybody. I’m a good
man, I think, and I want to be a better man. The thing is, I don’t think I was a good son when my mother and father were alive, so I want to be a good son now that they’re dead. I think I can do that by playing ball with you guys. By playing on this team.”

  “You think you’re good enough to make the team?” the point guard asked. He tried to hide his smile.

  Frank smiled and laughed. “Hey, I know I’m a fat old man, but that just means your feelings are going to be really hurt when a fat old man kicks your ass.”

  The players and Coach laughed.

  “Old man,” the point guard said. “I didn’t know they trash-talked in your day. Man, what did they do it with? Cave paintings?”

  “Just give me the ball and we’ll run,” Frank said.

  The point guard tossed the ball to Frank.

  “Check it in,” Frank said and tossed it back.

  “All right,” said the point guard. “I’ll take the bench, and you can have the other starters. Make it fair that way.”

  “One of you has to sit.”

  “I’ll sit,” the big guy said and stood with his coach.

  “We got our teams,” the point guard said and tossed the ball back to Frank. “Check.”

  Frank dribbled the ball to the top of the key, turned, and discovered the point guard five feet away from him.

  “Are you going to guard me?” Frank asked.

  “Do I need to guard you?” the point guard asked.

  “I don’t want no charity,” Frank said.

  “I’ll guard you when you prove I need to guard you.”

  “All right, guard this,” Frank said and shot a jumper that missed the rim and backboard by three feet.

  “Man oh man, I don’t need to guard you,” the point guard said. “Gravity is going to take care of you.”

  The point guard took the inbound pass and dribbled downcourt. Frank tried to stay in front of the little guard, but he was too quick. He burned past Frank, tossed a lazy pass to a forward, and pointed at Frank when the forward dunked the ball.

  “Were you guarding me?” he asked Frank. “I just want to be sure you know you’re guarding me. I’m your man. Do you understand that? Do you understand the basic principles of defense?”