The Invisible Husband

by Cari Hislop

  “You’re incorrigible.”

  “You’ve no idea!” Eve gave into temptation and reached into the dark hood and pinched his right cheek and then his nose before running out into the garden, her spine tingling; he was watching her. Her heart laughed in triumph as she danced around the garden in view of the study window until a black cloaked demon waved her inside for lunch with strict orders that she remain near the fire.

  Chapter 14

  The so called Mrs Roberts, who’d never heard the marriage ceremony, squeaked in irritation as her accomplice dragged her off the gravel path into a maze of large hedges snaking through the moonlit garden like sea monsters. “We’re never going to find them in the dark; they could be anywhere. I told you we should have borrowed a lantern.”

  Mr Roberts, whose real name was Smith, pulled her to a stop, “Hush…I hear something…they’re over there!”

  His fake wife ignored him and hissed, “I don’t think we should be out here. You know what his mother said; the ugly man’s in love with the lunatic. If he thinks we’re out here on purpose to interrupt his romantic tête a tête…”

  “Quiet! You’re going to ruin everything. They’re over there by the lake…I think.”

  “I can’t see anything, but endless smelly bushes. Why do aristocrats have so many stinking plants in their gardens? It’s cursed inconvenient! I hate the country…all these awful hanging things…”

  “They’re called branches.”

  “I don’t care what they’re called; they keep poking me in the face and slapping my new hat.”

  “Never mind your stupid hat; if we want the rest of our money we have to ensure the marriage is annulled. I think I see them; Latham wouldn’t demand his conjugal rights on wet grass with a north easterly wind chilling his parts…would he?”

  “He’s a Lord! He’s probably so jaded…”

  Mr Roberts pressed a firm hand over his accomplice’s mouth, “Shut your gob, you talk too loud!” He swore under his breath as several fingers were clenched between sharp teeth.

  Mrs Roberts hissed, “Next time I’ll bite off a finger.”

  “Harpy!”

  “Don’t forget it! I’m cold…the moon is disappearing. It’s going to rain! He’s probably dragged her off to his bed. What will we do then?”

  “We wont’ get paid. Are you sure the lunatic said she was still a virgin?”

  “I assure you the blushing-bride hasn’t shared Latham’s bed.”

  “I think I see them. Over there, is that two people or another shaped bush?”

  “How should I know Mr Roberts? I can’t see in the dark. Ooh…I see them! They’re over there…”

  “Where?”

  “Over there the two moving bushes near the lake! I can hear her laughing. I’m frightened…what if she attacks us?”

  “If she was having a fit he wouldn’t be having a leisurely stroll through the gardens with her would he? Now stop moaning and remember that we’re out for a romantic stroll in the moonlight.”

  “There isn’t any moonlight…it’s going to rain and ruin my new boots…”

  “Forget your stupid boots! Remember we’re a loving couple about to have our first child. Prepare to follow my lead and if I have to kiss you don’t think I enjoy it.”

  “Don’t think I won’t be sick afterwards. I can’t wait till we get in the carriage tomorrow morning. These cabbage leaves bulking out my belly are starting to stink.”

  “I can see them against the lake. Put on your mask Mrs Roberts; we’re going on stage. Let’s go separate the unsuspecting lovers for good.”

  “How will we explain we’re out here? I’m supposed to be going into confinement.”

  Mr Roberts rolled his eyes, “You’re walking through the pain…the cool air is restoring your colour etc. You’re a woman; natter about how you’re worried about dying or something. Are you ready?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good…we won’t say anything until we’re close enough to disturb them. We’ll pretend we’ve stumbled upon them on our walk. Remember, we have to remain there talking until we ruin the romantic mood.”

  “How do we keep them apart in their bedchambers?”

  “We’ll have to embarrass the bride. One of us will have to bring up the marriage bed. I’m sure you can think of something to put her to the blush.”

  Mrs Roberts’s look of doubt was lost in the dark. “You don’t think Latham will throw us out tonight?”

  “He won’t throw a heavily pregnant woman out of his house after dark. He’s a knight in shiny armour silly. He’d be plagued by thoughts of you being attacked by highwaymen. Play your part and later tonight I’ll earn the rest of our money.”

  Chapter 15

  The sun had finally set after an agonising eternity of waiting and watching from the shadows. Slivers of moonlight winked through gathering clouds. Eve stood next to him, her face hidden deep in her bonnet as she glanced from the lake towards him. “The garden is beautiful by moonlight. The lake is shimmering like a pool of magic.”

  “Is it?” Her amused laughter made him smile in triumph. Would he be able to make her laugh in twenty years? Would she still enjoy his kisses?

  “It’s cold. May I share your cloak?”

  “That wish is most certainly my desire.” Adam’s heart moaned in exquisite satisfaction as he wrapped his cloak around his shivering wife. It pressed against his chest calling for its mistress who appeared to answer by laying her head against his chest. Was she falling in love with him? His heart sighed in blissful assurance, ‘She loves me…loves me…loves me…’ His stupid heart would believe the impossible. Trembling, he held her tight and prayed it was true.

  After several comfortable minutes she lifted her head. “I hope my poor creature hasn’t suffered too much today? You were very cruel to make your heart wait ‘till dark for a kiss. I thought the day would never end.”

  “It’s true it thinks me abominably cruel, but it agrees that lunch was by far the most pleasant meal we’ve ever eaten. And though it hates me, it enjoyed watching you sleep curled up like a cat by the fire. My tenants with pressing problems would be irritated to learn I accomplished absolutely nothing and enjoyed every agonising minute.” Her silent laughter made him flush with pleasure. “When I make you laugh my heart feels like its conquered the world.”

  “I feel like I’m being conquered. Do you use the black arts Demon-Lord or is your personal charm always so devastating?”

  Adam’s heart jumped up and pummelled its cage as if Adam hadn’t understood the implication of her words. He licked his lips as he pulled her closer. “Your heart; does it…do you…”

  “Do I want you to kiss me? I thought you’d never ask.” His right hand was shaking as he found the ribbons of her bonnet and untied the bow. Removing the deep brimmed barrier he threw it aside. He didn’t hear the soft splash as it fell into the lake or the night birds chatter a warning of the approaching storm. His right hand explored the nape of her neck causing his wife to tilt back her head as his left arm held her close. She wanted his kisses; truth coursed through his veins like a wasted aphrodisiac.

  Panting her name, his heart ordered him to carry her upstairs to bed. He ignored the silly creature and bent his head to find eager lips waiting to give him a taste of heaven. Ten minutes later he reluctantly released her lips and gravitated towards her ear to catch his breath, but was ensnared by the temptation of her earlobe. He was making her laugh with pleasure; the thought made his head spin. “Eve…say you’ll share my bed…tonight.”

  He bit his lip as he waited five eternal seconds for her reply. “If you show me your face.”

  Adam cringed in horror. “Why do you have to see my stupid face?”

  “Because I need to see my demon-lord!”

  “Why? Revealing my ugly face could ruin everything and it won’t make my kisses more enjoyable. And if I repulse you…I keep having this nightmare that you see my face and demand an annulment.”

  “Adam, you
have a scar running across your face and you’re blind in one eye; you’re not the Minotaur. Come to my room and show me your face.”

  “But what if you look at me and the thought of kissing me makes you ill? I couldn’t bear it. I’d rather stare down a loaded pistol than see disgust in your eyes.”

  “If firelight makes you uncomfortable show me your face in the morning.”

  “I don’t want to wait ‘till morning…”

  “Then show me your face.”

  “No! I’ll…I’ll wait till you love me.” Frustrated, but resigned Adam leaned forward to whisper against her cheek. “Don’t ask me to gamble my hope of happiness on the improbability that you’ll like my face. Even my mother thinks me hideous and she’s loved me from birth.”

  “If it makes you feel that uncomfortable I’ll wait, but I think you should compensate my disappointment with another kiss.”

  “Oh Eve…” Worshiping her cheek with kisses, Adam had reached the edge of her lips when the jarring sound of a man’s voice cracked his strained nerves like a whip.

  “Lord Latham is that you? It’s so hard to see in the dark. Mrs Roberts and I thought we’d take a stroll before bed…she finds the cool night air soothing…”

  Interrupted in his own garden by unwanted guests, Adam trembled with fury at losing a much desired kiss and being forced by politeness to release his beloved. “What?”

  The younger man apparently didn’t hear the question or the implied outrage at being disturbed. “Oh, I see now you’re not alone. My wife thought you were just another smelly bush by the lake, but I said to Mrs Roberts that I was sure it was Lord Latham out for a stroll. She didn’t believe me so I said I’d prove it; I’m always right. Good evening Lady Latham, I’m pleased to see you’ve recovered from your fit.”

  “Thank you, but I fear another one coming on.”

  Adam felt Eve’s hand on his sleeve silently begging him to send the interlopers away. “You’d best leave before she starts foaming at the mouth.”

  “Oh dear, it’s lucky we came when we did. Shall we walk with you Lord Latham perchance you needs assistance to restrain her?”

  “No. We wish to be alone.”

  “We’d best stay with you. I could help rescue her if she runs into the lake. Perhaps it would be safer to carry on our conversation inside?”

  The man Roberts was clearly immune to subtlety. Adam hissed through clenched teeth, “I’m making love to my wife. Go to the devil!” A man couldn’t be clearer.

  Roberts appeared to be exceptionally dim. “Ah, there’s nothing like a stroll in a dark garden with moonlight shining on a nearby lake to put one in a romantic mood. Ah yes, it’s quite a pretty scene. It reminds me of our honeymoon…doesn’t it Mrs Roberts?”

  Mrs Roberts was clearly as dim as her husband. “Yes…that large moon looked like it would roll out of the sky and crush us as we lay unrobed in the grass on that hill top. Our Cabbage will grow up grateful for that moon; its conception certainly wouldn’t have been as enlightened without it. If only you had some goats in your garden I might be persuaded I was reliving that magical evening. Their bleats and tinkering bells made a most pleasant rhythm…” The awful Mrs Roberts tittered in amusement as Adam blushed in horror and mentally cursed the pair to hell. His sweet longing for his wife wilted at the unpalatable thought of the two idiots cavorting naked on some moonlit hillside surrounded by a herd of goats. He shivered in disgust; they might as well have pushed him into the icy lake. “All new lovers should take off their clothes and worship the moon. To be honest I thought you were making love to your wife over there in the grass, but after watching for a while I realised the lump wasn’t moving and you know you can’t make love without moving. It must have been a fallen tree. Personally I think it’s rather chilly for dangling one’s tender parts in this freezing wind. Best to marry in June or July if one wants to consummate the wedding feast in the moonlight; don’t you think?”

  The awful couple were ruining the most romantic evening of his life. Feeling Eve remove her hand from his sleeve he panicked. Was she disgusted with the thought of sharing his bed? His heart wailed in horror at the thought. He put an impulsive arm around her waist and sighed in relief as she leaned against him and pressed her face into his shoulder. “Take your vulgar wife back to your room before I forget I’m a gentleman.”

  Mr Robert chuckled as if Adam had shared a manly joke and slapped him on the back. “Why do you think I’m out here walking her in the garden my Lord? You’d think with her belly fit to burst she’d allow me one night of peace out of seven. Just you wait till your Lady Latham acquires a taste for pleasure. After she learns the ropes you’ll be sleeping in your bath, sleeping in your porridge, sleeping through her demands for a new wardrobe. You’ll be so exhausted from pleasuring your good Lady you won’t be able to think to ask her how much she’s spending on baubles. Ah, the life of a husband is a hard one. The ladies think we’re insatiable, but we know Eve had a sweeter tooth than Adam.”

  Shaking with fury Adam realised that if he was to escape the awful pair he’d have to do the moving. He whispered into Eve’s ear, “Give me your hand.” Without another word he pushed past the rude couple and pulled Eve at a run. Into the house, up the back stairs, and sighing in relief he locked her chamber door behind them; but what could he say to salvage the evening? The awful Mr and Mrs Roberts had created an awful new worry. Did his wife even know what the marriage bed entailed? She seemed to, but did she? He slowly turned his back to the door to find his wife removing her cloak and emptying her pockets on her dressing table. Watching her reflection in the mirror, he was disconcerted. She didn’t look in the least embarrassed. What did that mean? Had she been in love before? Had she fallen for some other man’s kisses? The thought made him feel sick with envy. Had some man with a handsome face claimed a corner of her heart?

  Chapter 16

  Catching her breath, Eve unbuttoned her cloak and draped it over the chair in front of her dressing table. Glancing sideways in her mirror she could see Adam standing by the door as if unsure his presence was wanted. Feeling the heavy miniature bump against her leg she took it out of her pocket and put it on her dressing table. “I won’t blame you if you wish to crow.”

  “About what?”

  The cloaked man hesitated before slowly crossing the room to the fire with his hood pulled down low. He looked like a large silhouette; a cloaked demon cut from black paper. “Mr and Mrs Roberts; I’d kick them out myself if it wasn’t dark. I think they ruined our enchanted evening on purpose.”

  The black cloak sighed in agreement. “May I ask you personal question?”

  The tension in his whisper stiffened the muscled in her neck. Had she done something wrong? He sounded upset. “Of course…”

  The hood started to turn in her direction and then halted obscuring any hope of seeing his face. “Have you ever been in love?”

  “No, why?”

  The cloaked shoulders appeared to relax. “Have you ever…I mean, have you…never mind.”

  “It’s hard to believe a demon-lord would be too embarrassed to ask his wife a personal question. Have I what?”

  “Have you ever kissed another man?”

  “Ah…Adam is afraid Eve has been cavorting with snakes.”

  “Who was he?”

  “They were just men I thought amusing. I was young.”

  The demon silhouette visibly trembled. “You’re twenty, you are young! Who were they?”