Murder Is Where the Heart Is

by Maddie Cochere

  As I walked up the driveway, Buck hollered to his friends, “Here she is. Jo Ravens.” All of the men clapped. Several of them stood.

  Buck had been telling stories of my dating and professional exploits to the other truckers for as long as I’d known him. His stories had become more entertaining in the past two years after I began finding dead bodies and trying to become a legitimate private investigator.

  I bowed to the men and muttered, “Knock it off,” to Buck as I passed him by. He only laughed harder.

  Pepper’s garage was loaded with food. I looked past all the finger food to include the food that looked like severed fingers and went right to the dessert table.

  I hadn’t had any sweets for weeks. I was going to indulge tonight. Now that I was a member of the Y and planning to take spinning classes, I would have it all worked off in a flash. Pepper had made dozens of cookies and a huge cake shaped like a spider, but Jackie had outdone herself with the array of pies on the table. There were five pumpkin, two apple, two chocolate pecan, and at the back of the table was one lone blueberry pie. A colorful drink toothpick with a piece of paper taped to it stuck out of the middle of the pie. It had one word on it – Jo.

  I laughed. Jackie was awesome. I contemplated eating a piece right then, but knowing Buck’s white shirt wouldn’t survive the encounter, I decided to wait.

  Kelly came running out the kitchen door and into the garage.

  “Aunt Jo, hurry up. You gotta come hear this. Grandmama is going to tell everyone about her heart attack.”

  She ran around the corner and out into the yard.

  This couldn’t be good. Mama embellished a new version every time she told the story.

  I grabbed a beer out of the cooler and headed into the back yard. I had to admit, Pepper and Buck always threw great parties. Orange lights had been strung between poles around the yard. Buck had made a long narrow fire pit so more people could roast hot dogs and marshmallows at one time. With the lights, the fire, and everyone in costume, there was a festive atmosphere in the yard. From somewhere off to the side, Halloween sounds and creepy music were playing.

  I couldn’t hold back laughter when I saw Mama. Keith told her that she looked like a zombie, so she might as well come to the party as one. Dark makeup around her eyes made them appear more sunken than usual. She used bright red lipstick on her face to make it look like she was bleeding. I wasn’t entirely certain from where I was standing, but I would have bet money she didn’t have her teeth in. She looked more like a clown than a zombie.

  “The pain was excruciating,” she wailed. “I kept grabbing my chest and telling Roger I was in dire straits. He said I ate too much food, and it was just indigestion. We did eat a lot of barbecue ribs and baked beans out at the Hog Shack, but my guts weren’t rolling around, my heart was attacking me.” Mama placed both hands over her chest and looked to the sky. “Thank the heavens I was spared long enough for Roger to get me to the hospital.”

  Everyone hung on her every word. Even the kids quieted down to listen. Mama was eating this up. She loved being the center of attention.

  Pepper and I made eye contact. She looked adorable in her fairy godmother outfit. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, but she was smiling. There was no denying Mama was entertaining when she wanted to be - even if she did embarrass us.

  Pepper pointed behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw a cowboy sauntering into the yard. My heart jumped, and I felt a flutter of excitement to see him. The cowboy getup was way sexier than the police uniform. His huge smile and dimple made him irresistible.

  He stopped in front of me, pushed his cowboy hat back on his head, and said, “Howdy, Ma’am.”

  I couldn’t help laughing, and I was a little surprised at myself when I practically purred, “This is a great look on you, Glenn.”

  “You look pretty great yourself,” he said before pulling me close and planting a kiss on my lips. I had no problem returning his kiss.

  This wasn’t like us at all. So far, we’d been stuck in the early stages of dating where we were friendly, talked a lot, and shared goodnight kisses that were little more than pecks on the lips. Before Alan had arrived on the scene, I was aware Glenn was ready to move forward, but all that had come to a halt when I lost my focus.

  Obviously, tonight, we were back on track.

  He grasped my hand and asked, “What have I missed.”

  “I don’t know. I just got here a few minutes ago. Mama’s telling everyone about her trip to the hospital.”

  He laughed. “She’s a real character. This should be good.”

  We moved a little closer to the fire to listen.

  “Every time that doctor pushed on my stomach or thumped my chest, I screamed with pain. I was crashing, and I wanted him to call for a crash cart like they do on television. He should have at least had a heart monitor on me. Although, come to think of it, I didn’t really want to hear it when the line went straight and made that monotone noise.”

  Hank guffawed loudly at that and laughter erupted from the group. I think some of the guests wanted to laugh several times during Mama’s exposition, but until Hank did, they didn’t know if they should.

  “We were all there for you, Mama,” Hank said. “That line wasn’t going straight.”

  Hank was right. We were all unfortunate enough to be in the emergency room with Mama for her grand finale.

  “When that doctor came back in the room and started pushing around on my guts again, I wanted to sue him for malpractice. But that’s when it happened.” She paused for effect. Keith began laughing loudly.

  Kelly egged her on. “Go on, Grandmama, tell everyone what happened.”

  “It was the biggest wind that was ever passed this side of the Mississippi,” she declared proudly. “I’ve never in all my life heard a boom that loud.”

  Keith howled with laughter and rolled on the ground. One of the other children said, “I don’t get it. Did you have a heart attack?”

  “No silly,” Keith said. “She had a fart attack!”

  “The doctor said the methane build up was enough to kill me. He had to clear four bays around mine and administer oxygen to me.”

  She was outright lying now. The odor had been disgusting, but we were all so happy she wasn’t having a heart attack, we suffered through it without complaint.

  One of the truckers said, “I guess that means no more barbecue and baked beans for you.”

  “Oh, no,” Mama said. “The doc wanted me to change my diet and go on some kind of prescription medicine, but I got me some of the Beano, and I’ll be just fine.”

  Glenn squeezed my hand and laughed. “She has a gift.”

  “It’s all an act. I don’t know why she portrays herself as a birdbrain so much of the time. She’s really very intelligent. Sometimes I think if our father hadn’t disappeared the way he did, she would have been a different woman.”

  I bit my tongue. I hadn’t mentioned a word to Glenn yet about my father leaving us when I was five years old and running off to Mexico, never to return again. We rarely spoke about him – and never around Mama. Thankfully, he didn’t ask questions. I’d share the story with him some other time when we were having one of our talking marathons. I quickly changed the subject.

  “Her bathroom humor is getting worse as she gets older. Your odds of being embarrassed by her when you’re with her in public have gone up exponentially in the last few years.”

  Jackie walked toward us from the dispersing crowd. Everyone was headed for the food in the garage. She looked perfect with her bright red hair flowing out from under a witch’s hat.

  “Can I talk to you, Jo?”

  Glenn pointed to the garage and said, “I’ll just go grab a bite to eat.”

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Something’s bothering me. We’re friends, and I don’t want there to be anything wrong between us, so I have to ask you about something.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I simply
nodded.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Doug committed the murders? Did you think you couldn’t trust me with the information?”

  She caught me off guard with the question.

  “Jackie, no. It wasn’t like that at all. I didn’t tell anyone – not Pepper or Arnie or Alan – no one.” I took a moment to gather my thoughts. “I wasn’t one hundred percent certain it was him, but once I decided I was probably right, I came up with the plan to goad him into coming to my house. Actually, I got the idea from an old forties pulp magazine. A writer used his private eye to lure a killer in the same way, and I thought it sounded like a good idea. But the bottom line is that I was scared. I was facing life in jail, and I couldn’t risk anything going wrong. If Doug caught an unusual glance, or a hesitation, or any mannerism from anyone that wasn’t normal, I was afraid he would get suspicious and disappear. If that happened, my life would be over. I was too afraid to tell anyone and thought it best if I kept trying to make everyone think I suspected Brick of at least murdering Kate.”

  She nodded her head. “I understand. As it turns out, Doug was ready to run. We didn’t hear him, but Leslie said when he came into the pit, he told her that he was going someplace where he would never be found. He told her he was sorry, but he had to leave her behind. No wonder she freaked out when he spoke to her. She thought she was going to die in that pit.”

  “Did she know it was her uncle?”

  “No. She never suspected him. She said he took good care of her, but he rarely spoke, and when he did, he disguised his voice. It was a complete shock to her when Brick pulled his mask off.”

  Poor Leslie. I couldn’t imagine how terrifying it must have been for her.

  “It was a perfect storm for Doug,” Jackie said. “His wife wasn’t any happier in the marriage than he was, and I know she gossiped about him at the beauty shop. It may have been the gossip and laughing behind his back that caused his distrust and dislike of women. I had seen it manifest itself a few times in his stories, but it was never so blatant as to raise a red flag. I don’t know why he was in so much debt, but it was obviously the reason he decided to abduct Leslie and try to get a ransom from the studio.”

  “I know why,” I said. “Arnie checked into his finances for me and found large chunks of money going to online gambling services.” Jackie immediately nodded her head, knowing what I was going to say next. “His wife was in rehab six years ago for gambling, and it looks like she relapsed over the past year.”

  Jackie sighed. “As much as Doug rubbed me the wrong way, and as sick as he is to commit murder, it still hurt to write the story about him.”

  I didn’t say anything but gave her a look of sympathy.

  “Ok, Jo. That’s all. I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a matter of trust between you and me.”

  “It wasn’t. Are we good?”

  She smiled. “We’re good.” She took a few steps toward the garage but turned around abruptly and said, “I almost forgot. I delivered Angus McFeely to Clara Bartoli for you yesterday. She was so happy to get him back, she cried. I told her to get in touch with you to pay the finder’s fee. I had no idea those statues were made of cement. That dog weighed at least twenty-five pounds.”

  “I know. When she first asked me to find her dog, she conveniently left out the fact that he wasn’t real.”

  “He’s real enough to her. She said he was her baby.” She turned and headed for the garage again. “Come on. I think there’s a blueberry pie in here with your name on it.”

  Mama and Roger passed us on their way back out to the fire. Both of their plates were heaped high with food. I could only shake my head and hope the Beano worked for her.

  Glenn was deep in conversation with a few of the truckers in the corner of the garage. Pepper came over to stand beside me.

  “Grandpa Swenson’s hat looks great on you. I think you should dress like this all the time when you’re on the job. Where’s the cigarette?”

  I looked down at my hands. “I don’t know. I probably lost it on my way over.”

  She wasn’t surprised. “I have some news for you. Crumwell Insurance didn’t rat Keith out for telling about Burt carrying the pumpkin.”

  Rat Keith out? What was with everyone lately? It was as if Arnie was giving private speech lessons.

  “He told Jimmy Faust about his report, and Jimmy told his mom. She mentioned it at the beauty shop, and you know what happened then. Gertrude Haggerty ran over to Burt’s house so fast, your head would spin. I’m not worried about him though. He’s got bigger problems than some stick figures Keith drew. He fractured a couple of vertebrae in his neck when he fell. He’ll be laid up for a long time, and Crumwell Insurance won’t be paying for any of it. He’s trying to get a lawyer to take his case on a contingency basis, so he can sue the Y.”

  I shook my head. Arnie had mentioned that he handled a lot of insurance fraud over the years. He said people pay for insurance for years with nothing to show for it, so they think they’re entitled to more than they are when something does happen - or they go the outright fraud route to get money.

  I changed the subject. “I think this might be your best party yet.”

  She beamed. “With Buck home over the weekend to help out, it was a snap to get everything ready. He even helped with the food. The cupcakes with eyeballs and the chicken salad coffin sandwiches are his.” Her expression suddenly became solemn. “Jo, I have a really bad feeling about Doug.”

  “Why? He won’t ever get out of jail.”

  “I know. I’ve just hated him for so long, and I’ve wished so many times that something bad would happen to him. I feel like I wished too hard, and I got what I wished for. I feel guilty.”

  I was surprised at her words. “You put that nonsense out of your head right now. No amount of wishing in the world could make Doug do what he did. If you had that kind of power, you would have won the lottery years ago.”

  She didn’t have a response. Knowing how sensitive she was, I could understand why she felt the way she did, but I also knew she would get over it.

  One of the truckers talking with Glenn raised his voice and barked something about cops and speed traps. I didn’t know if he was trying to pick a fight or make a point. I held my breath for a second to see if Glenn was going to argue with him. I was relieved to see him clap the guy on the back and laugh.

  Hank strutted over to stand beside us. He looked silly in a rented chicken costume, but it suited him.

  “Things turned out pretty good, didn’t they?” he asked.

  “They sure did,” I said. “This is a great party.”

  “I meant with you not going to jail for murder and with Mama for not having a heart attack.”

  His words struck me as incredibly funny. I had almost been arrested for murder. Someone tried to kill me in my bed. Mama set a record with her hospital fart. Laughter burst out, and I was helpless to control it.

  “Oh, no,” Hank said. “Here we go again.”

  The more I tried to explain my laughter, the harder I laughed. Glenn rescued me from myself when he came over and wrapped his arms around me.

  “It’s good to hear you laugh, Jo. You have a pretty laugh.”

  I wanted to purr again. I was completely content with his public display of affection. Two weeks ago, I would have recoiled from the hug. Tonight, it felt right.

  “Kiss her!” Keith yelled from the driveway.

  Pepper was quick to shush him, but Glenn gave me a big smile, complete with dimple, and kissed me.

  I heard someone say, “It’s about time.”

  The rest of the evening was perfect. I couldn’t remember the last time I had such an enjoyable time. Games were played and marshmallows were roasted. I couldn’t believe it when Kelly and Keith came running from the house wearing the old Cartman and Kenny masks. They tossed plastic eggs with candy corn in them. Every time they hit someone with an egg, they yelled, “Score!” I had another bout with uncontrollable laughter during their reign of te
rror.

  Hank let all the kids chase him around the yard for at least an hour. They were all worn out and settled down for Tweedledum Aunt Bee when she began telling ghost stories around the fire.

  Shortly before midnight, Glenn left my side and walked into the garage. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he walked away.

  When he came out, he was carrying the blueberry pie. This sexy hunk approaching me was no little boy, and I knew the image of little Glenny Wheeler was finally gone.

  With the pie in one hand, he slipped his other arm around my waist and whispered into my ear, “Want to go over to your place for dessert?”

  The smile that spread across my face answered for me.

  I felt like a love-struck teenager as we walked across the cul-de-sac holding hands. For the first time since we started dating, I was completely at ease with him – and dessert was definitely a good idea.

  ###

  Acknowledgements:

  A huge thank you to my husband for reading Jo’s story and offering suggestions that made me laugh.

  A nod of appreciation to the late Robert Leslie Bellem, the great pulp writer of the forties, and his story, Odds On the 8-Ball.

  Finally, I admit to being a fan of the 80’s television series, Moonlighting. Alan is no Agnes DiPesto, but he wishes he were.

  Easy-breezy reading from Breezy Books!

  Murder Under Construction, Two Sisters and a Journalist #1 – Jo Ravens has a knack for stumbling upon dead bodies. In this first book in the series, she finds a dead girl in a construction site and attempts to solve the murder with the help of her sister and their journalist friend.

  Murder Is Where the Heart Is, Two Sisters and a Journalist #2 – Amateur private investigator, Jo Ravens, is reunited with her ex-husband when there is a murder in the family.

  Murder Welcomes You to Buxley, Two Sisters and a Journalist #3 – Jo is busy trying to locate a stolen car, find a missing teen, and catch a philandering husband in the act. She already has more work than she can handle when she finds a murdered girl leaning against a dumpster. Has the girl really been strangled for stealing a cell phone? Jo also meets Susan Hunter when Susan comes to town to assist in the opening of a Slimmer’s Weight Loss center. Their interaction, as well the continued antics of Jo’s madcap family, adds to the humor in Murder Welcomes You to Buxley.