by Tess Oliver
I’d thought of nothing but Scotlyn all morning, hell, all week. I decided to take a break and call her. My cell phone wasn’t on the counter. I walked into my office. It wasn’t there either. My mind was so screwed up lately, I couldn’t even remember where I’d laid my damn phone. I walked into the small room where Stormy was working.
I glanced over her shoulder. “That looks awesome, Stormy.”
She tilted her head to admire her artwork. “Thanks.”
“Hey, did you happen to see my phone?”
“Yeah.” She looked toward the counter. “You left it in here. I had to turn off the ringer. It kept going off and startling him.” She motioned to her client on the table, and he shrugged, slightly embarrassed, in response.
In two steps, I was at the counter. There were three voicemails and four texts. I looked over at Stormy who was cleaning up the tattoo. “You might have mentioned that the phone was ringing,” I said sharply.
She peered up at me looking completely unfazed by my angry tone. “Guess you should remember to keep it with you,” she shot back.
I was pissed, but I was more worried about the messages I’d missed. I walked out of the room and dialed up my voicemail. The first two were from Scotlyn about an accident. My chest tightened at the sound of her trembling voice. The third was from Clutch.
“Nix, where the fuck are you? I’ve been texting. You need to call me as soon as you get this.”
My heart was slamming against my ribs as I dialed Clutch. He answered on the first ring.
“Dude, where are you at?”
“I’m at Freefall. What’s going on? Where’s Scotlyn?”
“I’m going to walk out back,” he’d dropped his voice low. I heard the back door to his shop open and shut, and a motor was running somewhere behind the building. “Scotlyn is sitting on the picnic table out in front of the shop drinking a soda. She’s not hurt.”
“Goddamn, Clutch, you just about gave me a heart attack.”
“She’s not hurt physically,” he continued, before I could berate him further. “There was a coyote on the street, and she swerved to miss it. Her car went off the road and rolled down a small incline, stopping against a light pole. The fender was dislodged, but that’s about it.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“When her family died, didn’t you tell me her father was trying not to hit an animal?”
“Yeah, a deer. He lost control of the car and went off the side of the—” My head had been like Swiss cheese, and now the holes were filling in. “Fuck.”
“She’s been sort of vegging out and not talking to any of us. I asked her what kind of coffee she wanted from the coffee shop, and she wrote it down on a sticky note and handed it to me.”
“Aw shit.” My heartbeat slowed, and it felt as if someone was pressing down on my chest.
“You need to get over here.”
“I’m on my way.”
***
I’d dialed Scotlyn’s phone three times, but it went straight to voicemail as if she’d turned it off. Traffic was always gnarly when I needed to get somewhere, and today was no exception to that rule. I smacked the damn steering wheel hard, but surprisingly, it didn’t make the cars go any faster. I kept my phone nearby, assuming that if things got worse, Clutch would call me.
I was pissed as hell at Stormy, not as much for turning down the phone without letting me know it had rang, but for her bitchy response. It had me wondering if she was worth keeping on.
I was just ten minutes from the shop when my phone rang. I was hoping like hell it was Scotlyn. It was Clutch.
I tapped the screen and Clutch’s voice came through the speakers. “Nix, uh, we’ve got a problem.” Clutch sounding stressed happened about as often as a snowstorm in L.A..
“Shit, just put her on the phone. I need to talk to her even if she won’t speak back.”
He paused. “That’s the problem. I’m not sure where she is.”
“What?”
“She was sitting out front with her soda. Her car is still in the garage being fixed. So she took off on foot somewhere.”
“Sonavabitch. She couldn’t have gotten far. How long ago did she leave?”
“I’m sorry, bro, I’m not sure. I got busy with work and—”
“No, it’s not your fault. I’m almost there. See you in a few.” The butt of my hand smacked the steering wheel again. I had no idea what state she’d left in, but from what Clutch had said, she was pretty out of it.
My tires chirped as I hit the parking lot in front of Clutch’s shop at full speed. He met me out front. “Dude, I’m real sorry. She was sitting right here sipping soda. Mike was in back working on a car, and I was in the office. Mike said he saw her sitting at her computer for a few minutes and then she walked out again. Her purse is gone. I walked down to the donut shop, but she wasn’t there. Everything else along here is just industrial buildings.”
I glanced around the area and then looked back at Clutch. “You said she wasn’t talking.”
He combed his hair back with his fingers and stared down at the ground, as if trying to figure out what to say next. “Nix, she looked really bad. Pale and skinny, like she hasn’t eaten in a week. She couldn’t drive the car, so I gave her a ride. She sort of just curled up into a ball in the front seat. She didn’t say anything after that.”
I shook my head. “This is my fault. She was trying to make up, and I blew her off because I thought she didn’t trust me. My stupid fucking ego got in the way.”
“Beating yourself up right now isn’t going to find her,” Clutch said.
“If anything happens to her—” My words broke off. I looked up at Clutch. “She’s my life.”
His face brightened with an idea. “The computer. We can check her history and see if she was looking something up. Maybe we can figure out where she went.”
We walked inside. My gut was knotted with worry. Clutch plunked on the keyboard and pulled down her history. “Yep, here’s something. Sierra Madre Cemetery.”
“Sierra Madre? That’s where her family is buried. She told me someday she would work up enough courage to visit. She was in the hospital recovering when they were buried.”
Clutch leaned into the back room. “Hey, Mike, the buses that stop on Hill Street, where do they usually head?”
“East.” he answered back.
Clutch rolled his eyes. “All right, can you be more specific? Would the route go as far as Sierra Madre?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Clutch looked at me. “Get the address off the computer. Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, thanks.”
Clutch nodded. “Yeah, it needs to be just you.”
Chapter 14
Nix
It was late afternoon by the time I’d slogged my way back through the long stretches of traffic. The sun was still high enough in the summer sky to keep the temperature stifling hot. Even with the snarls of gridlock dotting the entire Los Angeles freeway system, I was certain I’d made it to the cemetery long before Scotlyn’s bus would arrive.
The bus bench was a half mile from the cemetery entrance. If we were wrong about where she’d headed, then I’d just wasted an hour that I could have spent looking for her. She was still not answering her phone. All I could do was hope that our detective work would pay off. Scotlyn was sensible and much stronger than she allowed herself to believe, but my innate sense to protect her and keep her safe from harm had kicked in. I was wound tight, and I wouldn’t relax until I knew Scotlyn was all right.
I parked in a small turnout just inside of the cemetery, making sure to hide my car behind a copse of oak trees. I didn’t want her to see me. If she’d made this trip to see her family, she obviously needed this time alone with them.
About half an hour passed. Clutch texted. “Have you found her?”
“Not yet,” I texted back. My gut was telling me she would show. The accident had stirred up the horror of that nightmarish
day when she’d lost everyone she cared about. It made sense that she would want to come here. Even with the months of therapy and passing of time, she still occasionally woke in the middle of the night gasping for air and shaking from a bad dream. It was hard as hell to watch. Usually, on those nights, once I folded her into my arms, she’d settle down, the trembling would subside and she’d fall back asleep. I wasn’t sure if it would be enough this time. I wasn’t sure if I would be enough. My confidence in this relationship had been shaky since the proposal.
The distinct sound of a bus engine rattled the windows of my car. I could see the gleaming top of the bus over the hedge surrounding the cemetery. I waited, hoping I’d see her come around the corner soon. If I didn’t, then I was lost about where to go next, and that thought scared the shit out of me.
Then I saw her. She looked frail, and as if some life had been washed out of her. I had to keep myself from jumping out of the car to pull her into my arms. She was holding a bouquet of daisies that looked slightly wilted from the bus ride. She walked into the mortuary office and then came back out with a map. For a moment, I wondered if I should show myself, if I should join her in this. But I knew Scotlyn well enough to know that this was a highly personal moment. This was something she needed to do alone.
I sent a text to Clutch. “I found her.”
She hiked along the long, curvy road and walked across the manicured lawn and around the maze of headstones, finally stopping near an ornate wrought iron bench. She stood for a few minutes before dropping to her knees in front of several headstones.
Watching her, the girl who owned my heart and my soul, sit alone on the grass, her shoulders shaking and her head bowed in anguish was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. After twenty minutes, I couldn’t keep myself in the car any longer.
I traveled along the same road. She hadn’t seen me yet, and I had no idea how she’d react. She pushed to her feet and placed some daisies into the small cup holders on each grave. I waited for her to finish. So many words had flown through my head in the past few minutes that I still had no idea what I would say. Then, she turned around, and all the words fell into place.
She stared at me for a second as if she was looking at a mirage.
“Scotlyn, hope you don’t mind. I just needed to know you were safe.”
Her vivid blue eyes were misted from crying. She looked sadder than I’d ever seen her. She looked back at the headstones and the flimsy stems of yellow and white daisies. She continued to stare down at them. “He won’t be there to walk me down the aisle.” Her quiet voice trailed up over the neatly manicured slopes. “Olivia, my maid of honor, can’t hold my bouquet.” She sobbed once. “And I won’t hear my mom sniffling into her handkerchief while I say vows.” She smiled weakly. “Mom used to cry during greeting card commercials.” She reached up and wiped away a tear. “I guess that’s where I get it from. I can’t get married because they won’t be there.”
I swallowed hard. It had never occurred to me that the notion of getting married would just be a painful reminder of how much she’d lost. “I don’t need a damn certificate or ring to know that you are my life. I don’t pretend to know what this is like.” I waved my hands toward the headstones. “I know that there is a piece of you that can never be mended. And all I can do is be there for you when that pain takes hold. And I know it does…a lot. I see it in your face, that incredible face that I can never stop thinking about.” I dropped my gaze for a second to catch my breath. She looked so vulnerable, so distraught that it was tearing me up inside. I peered up at her. She stared back at me with glossy eyes. I was having a damn hard time keeping it together. “I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me, just like you can’t make that promise to me. I have everything I could want right now, a thriving business, good friends, a house of my own, but none of it matters without you, Scotlyn. Three years ago I found a picture of a girl.” I smiled. “Actually, the picture found me. It was stuck to my shoe.” Her lip turned up, and that tiny gesture helped prod me forward. “It was only a crumpled up picture, but it stayed tucked in my wallet. That day, you curled yourself around my heart. And you’re still there. My feelings are so strong for you, Scotlyn, the word love doesn’t even cover it.” I stepped closer. She still hadn’t said a word. “I can’t lose you.” My voice wavered. “I can’t fucking lose you, baby.”
Her long lashes fluttered down. I lunged forward and caught her before she collapsed to the ground. I lifted her into my arms. “Let me take you home, Scotlyn.”
She snuggled against me. “I am home.”
Chapter 15
Scotlyn
The aroma of smoky butter drifted through the air as the shadows of dusk splashed their usual artwork on the kitchen walls. I took another bite of the grilled cheese sandwich that Nix had made me. It was burned black on one side and nearly cold on the other¸ but it was the best grilled cheese I’d ever eaten.
The fading light played its usual tricks on the ever changing color in Nix’s eyes, but gold specks sparkled as he smiled down at the sandwich on my plate. “It’s a good thing I earn a living with a tattoo gun instead of a spatula.”
“It’s delicious.” I took another bite and drank some of the milk he’d poured me.
He reached across and wiped away the milk moustache with his thumb. “Why don’t we take the day off tomorrow? Just hang out here, you know? Celebrate your end of finals.”
“That actually sounds really good. What about my poor smashed car?”
“Clutch already took care of it.” I smiled. “I’ve never seen him so freaked out.”
I sighed. “I’ll have to call him later. I didn’t mean to scare him…or you. I just wasn’t thinking straight, and suddenly, I had an overwhelming urge to visit my family. Hope you can forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, baby. The only thing that matters is that you’re here with me now.”
The past weeks had been so hard. It had felt as if Nix and I were coming apart at the seam that we’d sewn so tightly shut between us. Nix had never been a stranger to me. Almost from the start, I’d felt deeply connected to him. Sitting with him in our cozy kitchen seemed so familiar and right, the raw edges of the past few weeks seemed to smooth away. I was sitting with the man I loved.
I sniffled and pressed my napkin to my nose. It seemed I’d spent more time in tears than with dry eyes lately. “Thank you, Nix, for being my family. For the longest time, the loneliness felt like quicksand, a deep hole that I was never going to escape from and that would eventually consume me. You saved me from that despair, and I’ll never forget that.”
“I think that picture found me for a reason.” He dropped his gaze. Moments of shyness were rare for Nix. “These past few weeks have been torture.” He lifted his eyes. “I’m sorry my big bloated head got in the way of things.”
“No, it wasn’t your bloated head. It was bad communication from both sides. I promise to work on that.”
“Me too.” He cleared his throat. “Well, I’m going to go in and take a shower. Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Sounds good.”
I’d nibbled longer on my sandwich, knowing that hunger had played a part in the emotion filled day. The minor accident would have been hardly a blip in most people’s routine, but I wasn’t most people. The terrible coincidence of swerving to avoid an animal and rolling off the road had shaken me severely. My family’s accident had come back to me in painful splashes. And then, as I sat outside of Clutch’s shop wondering how everything had gone so terribly wrong, I was suddenly overwhelmed by guilt. I had never gone to their gravesites. It was fear and anguish and every other wretched emotion that’d kept me from going. Now, I was glad I’d gone. As hard as it was seeing their names, Scott James, Lynne James and Olivia James etched into the stone grave markers, it gave me a tiny sense of closure, something I’d missed out on. In a way, I envied that they’d all left this earth together, and there were still times that I questioned w
hy I’d gotten stuck here without them. Then I saw Nix standing there in the cemetery, and the ground immediately felt more solid beneath my feet. My family was gone, but I was no longer alone.
The shower was still running as I placed my plate in the sink. I walked through the bedroom and pushed open the bathroom door. Soapy steam puffed around me in clouds. Nix’s naked body showed through the mottled glass of the shower. I stripped off my clothes and bra and panties. His face popped up from the spray of water as I opened the glass door. His eyes drifted down over my naked body. Then he lifted his amber gaze to my face. It seemed his fists curled against his desire to grab me. It was sweet and a little frustrating all at the same time.
I stepped under the hot streams of water and pressed my body against his. He hesitated but only for a brief second. My hands went behind his neck, and his arms went around me. It was a kiss that had been on the edge of our minds the past few weeks, but we’d both held it back. I’d been the cause of that. The proposal, Nana’s death, the horrid series of miscommunications had kept us from each other’s arms. But that was over.
My hands smoothed over the hard muscles of his shoulders and back as his hungry mouth traveled from my lips down my neck to my breasts. My nipples puckered as his tongue stroked my wet skin. His rock hard erection pressed against my belly. I wrapped my fingers around it. Nix’s deep voice rumbled off the tile walls. “God, baby, I’ve missed touching you.” He pressed his mouth against my ear as his fingers slid down my back. His hands went around my naked bottom and he lifted me. My legs wrapped around his waist as he braced me against the steamy wall of the shower. My fingers wrapped into his wet hair as he pushed inside of me. A small cry popped from my mouth as he drove himself deeper. Sandwiched between his strong body and the hard wall, I found the leverage I needed to grind my swollen clit against him. He rocked against me, and my fingers wrapped tighter in his hair. In my delirium, my eyes opened just long enough to catch the intensity of his deep amber gaze. It assured me how much I belonged in his arms.