by Jewel E. Ann
“I know.” He grabs the remote from the table and tries to angle it around me to turn back on the TV.
“Wait … what? How can you know? I just found out I’m not pregnant, but that doesn’t change anything because I love Nate and Morgan, and Nate adores you and we will all be very happy together and …” I stop my rambling as my brain echoes his words again. “Wait … how did you know that we’re moving? And why aren’t you making an argument for staying?”
“No reason.” He manages to get the TV turned back on. “Can you please move?”
“Did Nate call you?”
He huffs. “No. We’re moving. Aren’t you happy?”
Yes. No. Dammit! What is going on? I’m emotionally drowning in devastation that I’m not pregnant. And at the same time, Gabe has surrendered to moving, which is exactly what I wanted. The extreme swing of the pendulum leaves me dizzy, but the forty-something hormones win, and I just need a good cry. So I lock myself in my room, flop onto the bed, bury my face in a pillow, and cry.
When the tears stop, and I let my thoughts move past the fact that I’m not pregnant—since two weeks ago, I didn’t know I wanted to be pregnant—I splash water on my face and call Nate.
He doesn’t answer. I’m not sure a text is the way to tell him, but I have to tell him.
Hi.
Gabe has agreed to move, but it will just be the two of us.
I’m forty-two. He’s forty-seven. Is it a good idea to start an eighteen-year process at this stage in our lives?
Still …
I let my heart go there. I let it dive off the cliff to the deepest depths of my imagination, reawakening old dreams with a bright new light.
And now …
I feel the loss of something I never had. I feel the loss of a dream all over again and … it hurts.
When I leave my room, Gabe pokes his head out of his bedroom. “Want to go Rollerblading?”
Gabe … Gabe … Gabe …
The men in my life are pretty damn spectacular—my dad, Mr. Hans, Nate, and Gabe. When one can’t be here for me, another one steps in.
“Yeah.” I smile. “I’d love to go Rollerblading.”
We drive to Mission Bay and hop on the trail.
“Will I be in Morgan’s class … in school?”
I glance over at him. Where did this come from? “I don’t know. I’m sure it depends on the size of the school. You’ll probably have different teachers and different groups of kids for each class. So there’s a chance you might have at least one class with her. Is that … okay?”
“Yeah. Whatever.”
After a few miles, we find a bench and grab a drink, watching the beachgoers covering nearly every inch of sand.
My phone vibrates and I pluck it from the pocket of my shorts. It’s Nate. I send it to voicemail. If I hear his voice, I’ll cry.
A few seconds later, my screen lights up with a text from him.
Morgan told me he said yes to coming. I assumed that meant yes to the other question. Call me.
I slip my phone back into my pocket before my emotions take a bad turn again.
“Feels like an ice cream day. Don’t you think?”
Gabe grins. “Definitely.”
We get ice cream, grab some fish to grill for dinner tonight, and head home. Mr. Hans does a great job of acting surprised when Gabe tells him we’re moving. However, my surprise to Gabe’s slight enthusiasm is very real.
After we finish the dinner dishes, I grab a shower, tell Gabe goodnight, and snuggle in my bed with my phone to call Nate before it gets any later. It’s already eleven there. He’s probably asleep.
“Hey,” he answers on the third ring.
“Am I waking you?”
“No. I’m just reading. How … are you?”
“Fine,” I say immediately.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I wipe a few tears he can’t see.
“I guess we never discussed this. Really discussed this. I’m forty-seven. You’re—”
“I know. I’m forty-two. It was probably a little insane, something that felt like a good idea in a time of passion. It doesn’t matter now. For some unexplainable reason, Gabe is okay with moving, so the rest doesn’t matter.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. “Unless it does.”
I laugh while wiping more tears. “My uterus probably doesn’t work. I’m not sure why I felt like I could get pregnant.”
“Did you really want to be?”
Yes.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Gracelyn, quit saying that. It matters to me.”
“Well, it shouldn’t.”
“But it does. We should have talked about it. Really talked about it. And now I’m worried you’re not telling me how you feel. You can—”
“Yes!” I cover my mouth, hoping Gabe didn’t hear me. My lips quiver, holding in the sobs.
“You wanted a baby,” he whispers.
I nod several times before I can speak without completely losing it. “Yes.”
He says nothing. I have to believe he’s dealing with his own feelings about this. I just don’t know exactly what they are.
“Nate …”
“Then come home. And let’s make a baby.”
I swallow all the doubt, the what-ifs, the hard reality that I might not be able to get pregnant. For now, I let hope back into my life.
“Okay.”
*
I give notice at work.
Instead of fireworks on the beach for the Fourth, we start the packing process—where I throw away the silk nightie that I never wore because Brandon didn’t make it out of the hospital—and Nate arranges everything else.
He doesn’t want us driving that far, so he arranges a moving company to take our stuff, not that we have a lot. I sell Kyle’s Land Rover. And Mr. Hans doesn’t charge us extra for breaking our second-year lease six weeks into it.
However, he does get a little emotional when we say goodbye at the airport.
“You’re family now. Just let me know when you need a place to hang out at the beach. The upstairs is yours.”
I hug him and steal Nate’s line. “If you’re ever in Wisconsin …”
He chuckles.
Gabe hugs him too, and we set off on our new adventure. Never … not in a million years, did I imagine my life would go in this direction.
It takes us six hours and one connecting flight to get to Madison. A huge, glittery sign with our names on it greets us just outside of security. Morgan hands the sign to her dad and runs toward us. I think she’s going to tackle-hug Gabe, but she doesn’t. She hugs me, sending me back a few steps.
When she releases me, she shrugs at Gabe. “Sorry. I have to do it.” Before he can protest, she throws her arms around his neck. He tolerates it for three seconds before wriggling out of her hold.
It’s only been a month, but as Nate saunters toward me with his freshly shaven face and that smile … my heart sprints like it’s been a year. He drops the sign and lifts me off the floor in a big hug.
“Tell me we’re done leaving each other,” I whisper in his ear.
“So done.” He releases me to my feet, frames my face, and kisses me. It’s hungry, but not inappropriate.
On the way home, Morgan talks Gabe’s ear off in the backseat while Nate and I stick to flirty glances and gentle squeezes of our fingers interlaced on my lap.
“Okay. First you can see your room. Then you have to see the tree house, then …” Morgan jumps out of the vehicle as soon as it’s parked.
Gabe follows her just as quickly.
“What do you think changed his mind?” Nate asks before we get out.
I shrug. “I really don’t know. It was so weird. Did you ask Morgan?”
“Yes. She shrugged and said she had no idea.”
“Huh …” I open the door, and Nate gets our bags out of the back.
He sets the bags inside and holds open the door for me. “Welcome hom
e.”
I grin, taking his proffered hand.
Home …
I haven’t truly felt at home since Kyle and Emily died and I left my apartment in Boise.
“Pantry. Fridge. We went to the store yesterday, so it’s fully stocked.” Morgan finishes her indoor tour. “Now … time for the tree house.” She grabs Gabe’s arm and pulls him toward the deck door.
Before the door closes, I hear Gabe say, “Wow! It’s bigger than what it looked on the video.”
It’s the tone of his voice, the exuberant grin on his face, that tells me he will be fine. This is where we’re meant to be.
“Do you regret not trying this last year?” Nate asks, hugging me from behind as we stand at the window and watch the kids climb into the tree house.
“No regrets.” I lean my head back against him. “Timing in life is everything. It wasn’t just him last summer. It was me too. I wasn’t ready to ask him for something this big. It didn’t feel right in my gut.” I turn in his arms. “I was worth the wait. Right?”
His hands slide down to my ass as he ducks to kiss a trail from my shoulder to my ear. “We’ll find out later after the kids are in bed.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Nathaniel
It only takes a few weeks for everyone to get settled, the kids registered for school, Gabe a new soccer team, and Morgan starting up her figure skating lessons again with dreams of the Olympics.
Gracelyn’s been looking for a job, but she doesn’t know what she wants to do. I want to devote all of our free time before school starts getting her pregnant. She doesn’t think sex twice a day and baking cookies is contributing enough to our new family.
I disagree.
The kids love her cookies. And I love … well … I think that’s pretty clear.
“I have a flat tire. The car started to shimmy as I pulled into the neighborhood.” She frowns, carrying groceries with the kids. “My car is weeks old and it already has a flat.”
I set my empty glass on the counter and wipe my sweaty brow. We have a huge yard that took me two hours to mow. I might have to get a riding lawn mower.
“I’ll change it and take it tomorrow to get it fixed.”
“You’re going to change a tire?” Gabe asks, setting the bag of groceries on the floor by the pantry.
“Yes. You want to help me?”
“Yeah.” He grins.
“Cool. Let’s go check it out.” I nod toward the door. “Morgan, help put the groceries away, please.”
“I will. I just need to pee.” She wrinkles her nose before heading toward the bathroom.
As I take a step toward the garage to follow Gabe, Gracelyn hooks a finger into the waistband of my exercise shorts.
I turn, giving her the once-over as she stares at my bare chest for a few seconds before lifting her gaze to mine. “Can I help you?” I smirk. “The kids are awake, but I could make them take the dog for a long walk. And I’m sweaty, but I know you kind of like that.”
She wets her lips. “Mmm … I do, but that’s not it. I just want to say thank you.”
“For what?”
“For showing Gabe how to change a tire. Kyle was going to show him how to do that … and change the oil … and stuff like that. But …”
I nod. “I’ve got this.” Dropping a kiss on her lips, I grin. “We’ve got this.”
When I get to the garage, Gabe’s standing by the flat tire with his hands on his hips and his head cocked to the side. “I think we need a wrench.”
“We do.” I rest my arm around his shoulders and inspect the tire with him. “And a jack. And a spare tire.”
Together, we change the tire. It reminds me of my dad teaching me. By the time we finish, I make sure we have some dirt and grease on our hands and face to make it official. Gabe snaps a picture of us and posts it for his friends to see.
“Thanks, buddy. Good job.” I give him a fist bump. “Let’s get washed up and see if Gracelyn needs help with dinner.” I start toward the door to the house.
“Nate?”
I turn. “Yeah?”
Gabe’s face scrunches and he stares at his feet. “I have to tell you something.” He wrings his hands together. It feels serious, so I take a seat on the steps by the door.
“What’s up?”
“I like it here. I … didn’t think I would. But I do. I like my room. I like that you let me decorate it however I wanted to. The tree house is awesome. And my first day of soccer went well. The coach said I’m a really good player. And the other kids were nice. And Joby likes to sleep with me instead of Morgan. I know that makes her mad, but I like it because we never had a dog. Then today…” he glances up “…you let me help you with the tire.”
I nod. “I’m glad you like it here. I like you being here. I like the family we have now. And maybe we’ll have to get another pet, so Morgan stops whining about Joby choosing you.” I wink at him.
Still … he has a painful look on his face.
“I did something I don’t think I should have done.”
“Hey.” I pat the spot beside me on the step. “Come here. You can tell me anything.”
Gabe drags his feet to me and plops down beside me with his head bowed. “Morgan really wanted me to move here. She begged me. But I didn’t want to move. It didn’t seem fair that I had to be the one to leave my friends when I’ve had my friends longer than she’s had her friends. So … she paid me.”
“Paid you? What do you mean?”
He glances over at me. “She said she had three thousand dollars that was hers, just hers from all of her birthdays and Christmases away from her grandparents.”
“Yeah …” I say slowly. My parents and Jenna’s dad and siblings put aside money for her since they couldn’t give her presents when we were traveling. My mom has it in a fire safe at her house.
“She gave it to me. It’s under my mattress.”
“Okay. Can I ask how much she paid you?”
He shrugs. “All of it.”
What the fuck?
I’m not mad. I’m … I don’t even know.
“She told me I could buy so much stuff with it like a new bike, new Rollerblades, tons of soccer stuff, games, and more ice cream than I could ever eat. But I had to promise to never tell a single soul or I’d have to give all the money back. She said with … something that meant more money.”
I grunt a laugh because he’s trying to tell me that she planned on charging him interest. That’s funny and I wouldn’t expect less of my smarty pants little girl. However, the whole situation doesn’t feel so funny. I liked it when I thought he came on his own free will. And I know Gracelyn found it quite amazing.
“Well … now you’ve told someone. Why?”
“It doesn’t feel right to keep the money. I’m going to give it all back.”
I wrap my arm around him and kiss the side of his head. “You’re a good kid. Morgan is going to expect that interest on the money, but I’ll pay it for you if you give me the money and let me be the one to return it to her. Deal?”
“Is she going to be in trouble?”
“I doubt it.” I stand. “Go wash up. It’s under your mattress?”
He nods.
“I’ll get it.”
“Thanks for not being mad.”
I turn. “We’re good. Us guys have to stick together.”
The pain vanishes from his face, and he smiles.
Sure enough, there are thirty-one hundred dollar bills under his mattress bound with a rubber band. I take them and sneak down the hall to Morgan’s room as Gabe talks to Gracelyn about what we should have for dinner.
I knock on her door.
“Come in.”
“Hey. Whatcha doing?”
She shows me her folders. “Going through some stuff from last school year. Did you show Gabe how to change a tire?”
“I did. And he gave me something to give you.”
“What?” She swivels in her desk chair.
“
This.” I toss the money on her bed.
Her eyes open to double their capacity as her jaw drops.
I wait for her. She stares at the money for a good ten seconds. “Don’t be mad,” she whispers.
“Why, Morgan? Why would you give him every penny you own? Eight years of money your grandparents saved for you. Help me understand.”
She lifts her shoulders as her gaze sweeps across my face briefly before fixing to something out her window. “I wanted them to move here. I wanted to be a big sister.”
I sit on the end of her bed. “That must have been a big disappointment when I told you she wasn’t pregnant.”
“Yeah, but …”
“You wanted the money back, didn’t you?”
She shakes her head and looks at me with slightly narrowed eyes like my question is crazy. “No. I wanted the baby, but …”
“But?”
She sighs and looks at me with a soft smile. “I read a story about love. The character in the book said you can’t buy a happily ever after … you can’t buy love. But I could. For three thousand dollars I bought you and Gracelyn a happily-ever-after.”
Oh … my … fucking … heart …
This girl.
I open my mouth to respond, but I choke and close it. She stands and steps between my legs, pressing her hands to my cheeks. “Are you going to cry? You don’t cry.”
I blink to keep my emotions in check. “Sometimes I cry.” Covering her hands with mine, I smile. “It’s complicated.”
EPILOGUE
Eighteen months later.
“Daaad! Yes! Woot! Woot!” Morgan jumps up and down. “That’s two! He’s scored two times!”
We cheer Nate on as he plays a game in his men’s hockey league. I’m concerned … he’s not a young guy anymore. But damn … I sure like to watch him play because he’s so good.
For an old guy.
Gabe shoves his face with popcorn and watches half the time while playing a game on his phone the other half.
“Hey! Foul!” I stand when an asshole from the other team checks my husband into the boards.