Appassionata

by Jilly Cooper

  The music press were also fantastic. Malcolm Hayes of the Daily Telegraph and Mike Tumelty of the Glasgow Herald held my hand on the tour of Spain; David Fingleton looked after me at the Leeds and took me to endless lovely concerts, as did dear Lesley Garner, super columnist, and Mel Cooper, of Classic FM, who opened his great generous heart and his address book to me on endless occasions. John Julius Norwich invited me to a gorgeous lunch in the country. Norman Lebrecht of the Daily Telegraph, author of The Maestro Myth, nobly tracked down the legend of the chandelier in Buenos Aires Opera House. Keith Clarke, editor of Classical Music magazine and doughty fighter of musicians’ causes; Nicholas Kenyon, controller of Radio 3; Professor George Pratt, Peter Barker, and Ron Hall all gave me wonderful support. My old friend and Sunday Times colleague, Peter Watson, wrote a terrific biography of Nureyev, which was a constant inspiration when I was inventing my explosive dancer, Alexei Nemerovsky.

  All my friends in fact entered into the spirit of the book. Alan Titchmarsh thought up the title Appassionata. My piano tuner, Marcus Constance, dreamt up a devilish plot for sabotaging a grand piano in the middle of a competition. Lord Marchwood took me up in an air balloon over France with General Sir Peter de la Billière. Musicians have many ailments. Joanne Murphy advised me on physiotherapy, Dr Joe Cobbe, Dr Graham Hall and Staff Nurse Sue Workman on asthma. John Hunt introduced me to Anthony Norcliffe who knew all about mending brass players’ teeth.

  On the non-musical front, Patrick Despard of Arcona was fiendishly imaginative about the splendours and skulduggeries of property developing. Toby Trustram-Eve was brilliant on computers, as were Andrew Parker-Bowles on racing; Peter Clarkson and Jean Alice Cook on nuns’ names and practices; Susie Layton on decor; Sue Jacobs of Leicestershire Social Services and Deborah Fowler in her book, A Guide to Adoption, on adoption. Other friends who came up with ideas include: Susannah and Bill Franklyn; Anthony Rubinstein; George and Dang Humphreys; John Woods; Roger and Rowena and Harry Luard; Francis Willey; Mary and Anthony Abrahams, Graham Hamilton, Michael Leworthy and John Conway of the Archduke Wine Bar.

  I’d like to thank Jack and Patricia Godsell for their beautiful Toadsmoor Lake which was a magical source of inspiration, and Dr Ueli Habegger who finally located the island on Lake Lucerne where the ghost horn player can sometimes be heard at dusk.

  As well as Spain and Switzerland, my research took me in 1994 to Prague and on to Pardubice where British jockey, owner and trainer Charlie Mann exceeded all expectation by coming second in the Czech Grand National on It’s a Snip, and, later in 1995, came first. I must particularly thank Lord Patrick Beresford and Baroness Dory Friesen for masterminding this brilliant trip for Abercrombie and Kent, and thank Sir Derek Hodgson, Queeks Carleton-Paget and Liza Butler for being such beguiling travelling companions.

  Many people wrote offering advice and anecdotes. Many numbers went down in my telephone book. Sadly I never followed them up, as in the end I had to get down and write the book.

  If researching Appassionata was a joy, writing it was an absolute nightmare, because an orchestra consists of so many characters, and mine were continually getting out of control, particularly in their behaviour. In fact Paul Hughes, Ian Pillow and Linn Rothstein, who most heroically read through the manuscript for mistakes, said they had never come across an orchestra who behaved quite so badly as my Rutminster Symphony Orchestra. Nor in fact had I. The high jinks and bad behaviour in the book are totally invented and I would stress that Appassionata is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any living person or organization is wholly unintentional and purely coincidental.

  I never got to Bogotá, where the first chapters are set, but Annie Senior and Peter Gibbs-Kennet gave me graphic descriptions and I was much indebted to both the Lonely Planet Guide to Colombia and The Fruit Palace, a stunning travel book by Charles Nicholl.

  Nor would the book have probably been completed if Sharon Young of British Airways hadn’t tracked down a folder of early notes I’d left at Glasgow Airport.

  I am truly sorry if I’ve left people out, but if I’d listed everyone who’d helped me, these acknowledgements would be longer than the book.

  While writing Appassionata, I was gently followed to Prague and Switzerland and all over England by a BBC2 crew from Bookmark, headed by Basil Comely. Occasionally I found it difficult to get to grips with brass players’ love lives or seduction techniques in conductors’ dressing-rooms with a BBC crew breathing down my neck, but otherwise they couldn’t have been more tactful, kind and fun to work with.

  My publishers, Paul Scherer, Mark Barty-King, Patrick Janson-Smith of Transworld, as usual, have been impeccable, constantly encouraging and reassuringly rock solid at a time of book trade turbulence. I have also had wonderful editorial help from the glorious Diane Pearson and from Broo Doherty, who grew cross-eyed as she ploughed through 1403 pages of manuscript, crammed with musical references. She was, however, so charming and so enthusiastic about the book that I accepted (nearly) all the changes she suggested.

  I am also eternally lucky in having the best, most delightfully insouciant agent in London, Desmond Elliott and his assistant Nathan Mayatt, who spent so much time photostatting and despatching.

  For the first time, the huge manuscript was typed on computers. The real heroines of Appassionata are therefore my friends: Annette Xuereb-Brennan, Anna Gibbs-Kennet and Pippa Moores, who completed the job on new machines in an amazing five weeks. They worked long into the night, deciphering my deplorable handwriting, punctuating, correcting spelling and pointing out howlers. I cannot express sufficient gratitude to them nor to Ann Mills, my equally heroic cleaner, who somehow cleared up the mess while picking her way delicately through rising tower blocks of manuscript until the house looked rather like Hong Kong.

  Sadly, my dear friend and PA, Jane Watts, who supervised so much of the photostatting and collation of the book, and who had given me so much love and support over the past six years, left in November. With huge luck, her place was soon taken by Pippa Moores, who arrived to oversee the move into computers, and stayed to become my new assistant.

  My family, comme toujours, were staunchness personified. Leo, Felix and Emily hardly saw me for eighteen months, but gave endless cheer and comfort. So did my dogs Barbara and Hero, and four cats, Agnes, Sewage, Rattle and Tilson-Thomas, who provided sweet, silent companionship and protection in the gazebo, even at the dead of night.

  Dear gallant Barbara (Gertrude the mongrel in my last four books) seemed determined to cling on to life if only to see me safely into port. She died a few days after I finished writing, leaving the world unbearably the poorer.

  Finally, I would like to thank musicians everywhere for the joy they bring, and to beg the public, the Government and the local authorities to give them the support and funding they so desperately need, because a twenty-first century without orchestras would be very bleak indeed.

  THE CAST

  CANON AIRLIE Non-executive director of the Rutminster Symphony Orchestra (RSO), a silly old fossil, constantly campaigning for better behaviour.

  ALBERTO The unsalubrious landlord of the Red Parrot Hotel, Bogotá.

  AMBROSE Principal guest conductor, RSO, known as the ‘fat controller’ – a bitchy old queen.

  ANATOLE A tempestuously talented Russian contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

  SISTER ANGELICA A beautiful nun.

  ASTRID Boris Levitsky’s stunning Scandinavian au pair.

  LADY BADDINGHAM Much admired ex-wife of Tony Baddingham, the fiendish ex-chairman of Corinium Television.

  BENNY BASANOVICH A very tiresome Russian-French pianist who can only play fortissimo.

  BARRY THE BASS Principal Bass, RSO.

  MRS BATESON A music lover who befriends Marcus Campbell-Black.

  JAMES BENSON A very expensive private doctor.

  BIANCA An adorable Colombian orphan.

  MRS BODKIN Rupert Campbell-Black’s ancient housekeeper.

  ROSALIE BRANDON
A bossyboots attached to the London office of Shepherd Denston, the music agents.

  MILES BRIAN-KNOWLES Detested deputy-managing director of the RSO, a snake in furry caterpillar’s clothing, who is after Mark Carling’s job.

  DAVIE BUCKLE A beaming bruiser and RSO timpanist.

  EDDIE Rupert’s father, an unreformed rake,

  CAMPBELL-BLACK just emerged from a fifth marriage and raring to go.

  RUPERT Ex-world show-jumping champion, now

  CAMPBELL-BLACK one of the world’s leading owner-trainers. Still Mecca for most women.

  TAGGIE Rupert’s wife – an angel and the apple

  CAMPBELL-BLACK of his once roving eye.

  MARCUS Rupert’s son by his first marriage. A

  CAMPBELL-BLACK pianist whose path to the top is only impeded by asthma and nerves, both chiefly induced by his father.

  TABITHA A ravishing tearaway. Rupert’s daughter,

  CAMPBELL-BLACK also by his first wife.

  CANDY A comely rank-and-file RSO viola player.

  LINDY CARDEW The mettlesome wife of Rutminster’s planning officer.

  MARK CARLING Beleaguered managing director of the RSO.

  HAN CHAI A very young Korean contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

  TONY CHARLTON The indefatigable and perennially cheerful stage manager of the RSO. Known as ‘Charlton Handsome’.

  MISS CHATTERTON Marcus Campbell-Black’s piano teacher, known as ‘Chatterbox’.

  LADY CHISLEDON A lusty old trout and member of the RSO board.

  CHRISSIE An obsequious Northern Television minion.

  CLARE Another very pretty RSO rank-and-file viola player, also the orchestra Sloane.

  CLARISSA Principal Cello, RSO.

  CLIVE Rannaldini’s sinister black-leather-clad henchman.

  THE BISHOP OF Another silly old fossil.

  COTCHESTER

  CRYSTELLE A bullying beautician from Parker and Parker’s department store.

  OLD CYRIL Fourth Horn, RSO. Heavy drinker. Onetime great player.

  HOWARD DENSTON Wideboy partner in Shepherd Denston, the toughest music agents in New York.

  HOWIE DENSTON Howard’s son, a mega-manipulator, who runs the London office.

  NICHOLAS DIGBY The harassed orchestra manager, or ‘fixer’ of the RSO, who has the unenviable task of getting the right number or players on and off the platform. Known as ‘Knickers’.

  MRS DIGGORY Heroic cleaner of the Celtic Mafia’s Bordello.

  DIZZY Rupert Campbell-Black’s head groom.

  DMITRI A lyrical and lachrymose cellist, later Principal Cello of the RSO.

  BLUE DONOVAN Second Horn of the RSO – blue-eyed Irishman of great charm, who covers for Viking O’Neill, both on the platform and in life. Founder member of Viking’s gang, known as the ‘Celtic Mafia’.

  DIXIE DOUGLAS A Glaswegian hunk, whose light duties as an RSO trombone player leave him rather too much time to hell-raise and troublemake. Another member of the Celtic Mafia.

  MRS EDWARDS Helen Campbell-Black’s underworked cleaner.

  ELDRED A beleaguered Principal Clarinet.

  ERNESTO A bribable Italian judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

  FRANCIS FAIRCHILD Second Desk First Violin of the RSO nicknamed the ‘Good Loser? because he’s always mislaying his possessions.

  LIONEL FIELDING Leader of the RSO. A vainglorious narcissist.

  HUGO DE GINÈSTRE The charming, chivalrous, French-Canadian Co-leader of the RSO.

  GISELA Sir Rodney Macintosh’s cherishing housekeeper.

  ROWENA GODBOLD Charismatic bloude First Horn of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra (CCO), the RSO’s deadly rivals.

  PABLO GONZALES An ancient Spanish pianist of great renown.

  HELEN GORDON Rupert’s first wife, now married

  (formerly CAMPBELL-BLACK) to his old chef d’équipe, Malise Gordon. A legendary beauty and devoted mother of Marcus and less so of Tabitha.

  GILBERT GREENFORD A caring beard from the Arts Council. Mark Carling’s cross.

  GWYNNETH A caftanned barrel from the Arts Council, Gilbert Greenford’s ‘partner’ and another of Mark Calling’s crosses.

  RANDY HAMILTON Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.

  HERMIONE HAREFIELD World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.

  DIRTY HARRY A bass player who never washes.

  LYSANDER HAWKLEY Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.

  HARVEY THE HEAVY George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.

  OLD HENRY Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.

  ANTHEA HISLOP A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.

  GEORGE HUNGERFORD An extremely successful property developer.

  MOTHER MARIA A radiant Reverend Mother.

  IMMACULATA

  FAT ISOBEL A very large viola player.

  JISON A dodgy local car dealer.

  BRUCE KENNEDY American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

  KEVIN A social worker.

  MARIA KUSAK A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.

  LORD LEATHERHEAD Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.

  BORIS LEVITSKY A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.

  LILI A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.

  LINCOLN Fifth Horn of the RSO.

  HILARY LLOYD Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.

  SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH Musical Director and Principal Conductor of the RSO. Absolute sweetie and sly old fox, who lets others do the worrying.

  GEORGIE MAGUIRE World-famous singer and song writer.

  CARL MATTHESON Homespun American contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

  JUNO MEADOWS Second Flute of the RSO. Tiny and tantalizingly pretty, known as the ‘Steel Elf’.

  MARY MELVILLE Principal Second Violin of the RSO. A doting mother known as ‘Mary-the-Mother-of-Justin’.

  SISTER MERCEDES A very butch nun.

  QUINTON MITCHELL Third Horn of the RSO who wants to be First Horn.

  SALVADOR MOLINARI A naughty Colombian playboy.

  MILITANT MOLL A fiercely feminist rank-and-file viola player of the RSO.

  ALEXEI NEMEROVSKY Principal dancer of the Cossak Russe Ballet Company, known as ‘The Treat from Moscow’.

  NELLIE NICOLSON Third Desk cellist of the RSO known as ‘Nellie the Nympho’.

  NINION Second Oboe. Militant Moll’s exceedingly hen-pecked boyfriend.

  NORIKO An adorably pretty Japanese; rank-and-file First Violin of the RSO.

  DECLAN O’HARA Irish television presenter and megastar. Managing director of Venturer Television.

  DEIRDRE O’NEILL Irish judge at the Appleton Piano Competition, fond of a drop, known as ‘Deirdre of the Drowned Sorrows’.

  VICTOR (VIKING) O’NEILL First Horn and hero of the orchestra because of his great glamour, glorious sound and rebellious attitude. The Godfather of the Celtic Mafia.

  SIMON PAINSHAW First Oboe of the RSO. A walking Grove’s Dictionary who spends his time brooding on his reeds.

  PEGGY PARKER Owner of Parker and Parker department store in Rutminster High Street. A bossy boots and overbearing member of the RSO board.

  ROGER ‘SONNY’ PARKER Her frightful son, a composer of even more frightful modern music.

  MISS PARROTT The rather heavenly RSO harpist.

  JULIAN PELLAFACINI The highly respected leader of the New World Symphony Orchestra.

  LUISA PELLAFACINI His lovely bosomy wife.

  NATALIA PHILIPOVA An apparently untalented Czechoslovak pianist.

  PETER PLUMPTON First Fl
ute of the RSO.

  MISS PRIDDOCK Mark Carling’s secretary, beloved of Old Cyril. An unfazed old trout.

  ROBERTO RANNALDINI Mega-Maestro and arch fiend, currently musical director of the New World Symphony Orchestra.

  KITTY RANNALDINI His third wife, in love with Lysander Hawkley.

  JACK RODWAY A randy receiver.

  SISTER ROSE A sympathetic nurse at Northladen General Hospital.

  ABIGAIL ROSEN American violinist, nicknamed ‘L’Appassionata’ whose dazzling talent and tigerish beauty have taken the world by storm.

  THE RUTSHIRE BUTCHER A very critical critic.

  SANDRA Christopher Shepherd’s secretary.