Witches Gone Wicked: A Cozy Witch Mystery (Womby's School for Wayward Witches Book 3)

by Sarina Dorie

  My eyes went wide at their turn of phrase. I suspected they were swearing in unicorn.

  A gray unicorn kicked his brother. “Hey, you’re in the presence of a maiden, mule monger. Watch your filthy mouth.”

  The flank of one brushed my shoulder, and I stepped back. I stumbled into the black unicorn. He nuzzled his face against my neck. “Mmm, you smell nice.”

  Another unicorn snuffled at my hand. I petted his nose. His rough tongue raked against my fingers. “She tastes like sunshine and gumdrops.”

  Did horses even eat gumdrops? Did unicorns?

  He brushed against me, nudging his head under my hand to be petted. He snuffled my hair and face. I squirmed back, giggling.

  “She smells like a virgin.”

  My delight soured into mortification. This wasn’t exactly high on the list of news I liked to advertise about myself.

  Another nuzzled my neck and licked my ear. “She tastes like a virgin.”

  I wiped the unicorn saliva away and backed up. Hadn’t a Witchkin once told me unicorns in the Unseen Realm liked the taste of human blood?

  Another unicorn tried to cuddle me. I squirmed back.

  “Like a virgin.” One of them started to sing the Madonna song. I didn’t even know how they could have known eighties music considering they were allergic to electronics. Maybe they hung out with my bad students.

  The way they wove around reminded me of sharks. Warily, I edged away.

  Julian stood there with his wand out, looking absolutely helpless.

  “Stop crowding me.” I used my firm teacher tone. “I don’t like this.” I shoved at one that brushed against my shoulder.

  I was surprised when they obediently backed off and gave me more room. They continued circling but gave me a wider berth. No one tried to nuzzle me.

  “Sorry,” one said. He kicked another unicorn still singing Madonna. “Knock it off. You’re making her uncomfortable.”

  “Guys, behave.” The black unicorn nodded to me. “I can see the purity of your heart.” He lifted his head to eye Julian. “And the depravity of his.”

  “Depravity?” Julian’s face turned red. “Listen here, I will not take such insults, you horny mustangs.” Sparks flared out of his wand.

  One of them snickered. “Hey, if you’re trying to say I’m hung like a horse, well, yeah. Thanks, pegasus breath.”

  Julian made an arc of light in the air with his wand. One of them knocked it from his hand with a horn. Julian yelped and staggered back as a unicorn pushed him away. Another unicorn placed himself between Julian and me. We were even farther from each other now.

  My heart pounded in fear for him as they poked at him.

  The nearest unicorn sniffed the air. “He smells like sex and lollipops. A suspicious combination.”

  “He smells like the Verde Court to me. Remember the Green Man’s Monastery back in the day?”

  “I say we stomp him with our hooves.”

  “No!” Julian and I said at the same time.

  “Does Jeb know you’ve wandered this far into the forest?” the black-horned unicorn asked.

  “Principal Bumblebub,” one of them corrected. “Show some respect for the senile old hinny.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I’m sorry if we’ve trespassed into your … um, territory.”

  “Isn’t she a sweetie? Listen to those manners,” one unicorn said to another.

  “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to give us directions back to the school?” I said. “If you can, we’ll be on our way.”

  “Better than that, we can give you a ride.”

  “Really?” I’d always wanted to ride on a unicorn. I was still undecided about this herd, though.

  “Ride me!” said one.

  “No!” said another. “Me! Me!”

  Julian nudged his way around the beasts, trying to make his way closer.

  “Sweetie, you can ride me all night long.”

  “Um… .” I didn’t know how to respond to that. Never in my imagination had I pictured unicorns being so … dirty. These unicorns were definitely from the wrong side of the tracks—err—forest. I probably didn’t want to ride a unicorn after all.

  A gray unicorn kicked the black unicorn. “Shut up, chimera butt. This is a classy young maiden. You’re going to keep your horn—and everything else—to yourself. What’s our motto, stallions?”

  “Consent, a hundred percent,” the herd neighed.

  Well, that was nice. Better than some humans.

  I backed away, still uncertain. The ring of beasts followed me, constantly moving, keeping a wall of bodies between me and Julian. A crow landed on a branch above Julian’s head, white bird droppings splattering on the ground beside him. He leapt back, cursing.

  I wanted to go back to the school, the sooner the better.

  I wet my lips, trying to come up with an answer. “I’ve never ridden a horse. Or even a broom like the kids at school. The equestrian class at Womby’s covers pegasus and kelpie training and riding, but I had a Morty education. I probably wouldn’t be any good at riding. I’d be more comfortable walking, but we’d welcome an escort.” My gaze flickered to the crow.

  “They teach unicorn riding at your school, but those aren’t real unicorns at Womby’s,” a dappled unicorn said. “They’re domesticated and inbred to the point of being mentally handicapped. All because Witchkin value the color of a unicorn’s hide more than anything else.”

  “White unicorn privilege,” one of the tan ones said.

  Across from me, Julian rolled his eyes.

  A gray unicorn said, “They don’t even talk.”

  “And they can’t do magic. Has a domesticated unicorn ever done this?” The one to my left stomped his foot. His body turned purple. His tail faded from brown to green.

  Awe distracted me from any apprehension I’d been feeling. He looked like Magestica, what I’d renamed my favorite My Little Pony from when I’d been twelve. I’d only stopped playing with her because my older sister, Missy, had teased me and asked, “Aren’t you a little too old for playing with Barbies and toy animals?”

  I was saved the heartache of dwelling on my deceased sister’s words—or our relationship—by the unicorns’ next magic trick.

  “I can do way better glamour than that.” The next unicorn shook out his mane, and it turned bright blue with glitter in it. “Ride me back to the school. Look how pretty I am.”

  “No,” Julian said. “We aren’t riding anyone!”

  “Please, ride me,” another begged. “I’ll behave. You can wash my mouth out with soap if I swear.” He changed his mane to silver, and his body transformed into a kaleidoscope of blue, green and purple tie-dye patterns. I imagined the hippie owner of Ye Green Grocery would like his style.

  “Yeah? Well, look what I can do!” One of the unicorns passed gas loudly. A rainbow poured out of his behind before evaporating into the air.

  I didn’t want to admit it, but it was impressive.

  “Not in front of the maiden! What is it with you, Clyde?”

  They continued showing off their glamour, competing like peacocks for me. I oohed and aahed at their palette of colors as they pranced. It was the most wonderful sight I’d ever gazed upon. The icing on the cake was when the gray one, Bart, changed his body to all black and his mane and tale into a rainbow.

  I stroked his tail, entranced by the shifting threads of color. He flicked it at me, and I laughed as glitter sparkled in the air. Giddy delight filled me. I felt like I was six years old, and I’d just been given the best birthday present in the world. I had always wanted to ride horseback. This would be magical.

  “Do you promise you’ll take us straight back to the school?” I asked.

  “What? No, you can’t be serious,” Julian said. “We are not riding a gang of feral unicorns back to the school. We need to set good examples for the students. Unicorns are dangerous.” He stepped toward me, b
ut a unicorn bumped him with his rump and blocked him every time he tried to get around the animal.

  “Who will Julian get to ride?” I asked.

  One shook his head. “Him? No freakin’ way.”

  Another snorted. “We’ve already told you, he’s depraved.”

  “I am not! I just find you attractive,” Julian said to me. “They don’t know the difference.”

  “Pervert,” a unicorn muttered none-too-quietly.

  “Why do you keep saying that?” I asked.

  Bart neighed. “Well, for one thing, he’s not a virgin.”

  Did they say that about all nonvirgins?

  One of the unicorns tossed his sparkly mane. They were fantastical. I giggled. This moment was so surreal. “What if I promise to vouch for his behavior? Will you take both of us back to the school then?”

  “I don’t know. The herd needs to talk about this.”

  They trampled into the clearing, whispering. Fluttering feathers drew my attention. Instinctively I twitched away from the sound. The crow tilted his head and watched us, the intelligence in his eyes unnerving me further.

  Julian dove forward and grabbed me by the arm. “Come on. Let’s slip off before they notice.” He tugged me back toward the path.

  I ground my heels into the dirt. “No. I want to ride a unicorn.”

  “Have you completely lost your senses? You haven’t even ridden a domesticated animal before. Do you think you’ll do well with these? Plus, they’re macho, chauvinist womanizers, this lot.”

  I wrenched my arm away. “They’re sweet.”

  “You’re just impressed with their glamour. I can turn a domesticated horse into rainbows and sparkles if that’s what you want, but don’t trust these blokes.”

  The unicorns turned back. “We’ve drawn straws. Jo Jo will take him.”

  The tie-dye unicorn said, “But he needs to clean up his trash first.”

  I waved my hand at the picnic mess. “That’s right. Don’t be a litterbug.”

  Julian gave me a withering look. He trudged over to the picnic basket and stuffed the remnants of food inside.

  The crow cawed, startling me. My heart quickened. I watched the bird out of the corner of my eye, expecting it to change into someone from the Raven Court at any moment. If that happened, I was jumping on a unicorn’s back, with or without Julian.

  A red, yellow, and orange stallion bowed his head down. “Tell us who you choose as your devoted steed, milady.”

  I pointed to the rainbow unicorn. “Bart.”

  The others grumbled and stomped their hooves. Bart was a tall horse, and I was the shortest teacher on staff. His back was almost as high as my head. I had no idea how I was going to get up.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m going to have to hold onto your mane to pull myself up.”

  “That’s fine. I like having my mane pulled.”

  I ignored the comment. I heaved myself up. One of them nudged me under my bottom to lift me higher. As soon as I was situated, Bart clomped around the clearing, allowing me to get a feel for riding. He gave me pointers on how to lean, to wrap my legs around him, and to move my hips in rhythm with his motion. As sexual as his instructions sounded, he refrained from dirty jokes.

  “Good girl!” one said.

  “You’re getting it!”

  Their chaste encouragement astonished me after their previous euphemisms. I found myself relaxing around them and enjoying myself.

  I squealed in delight. “This is what it’s like to ride a unicorn?” I was so lucky. This had to be the caramel in my prophecy chocolate.

  “Okay, I’m done cleaning up the litter,” Julian said behind me.

  The unicorns chuckled. I had heard enough students’ mischievous laughter to know when they were about to play a prank.

  I started, “No, do not even think—”

  My ride reared up and charged across the meadow. Julian called after us. My heart galloped in fear, about as fast as the other unicorns trampling after us. Maybe I should have listened to Julian when he’d said they were up to no good.

  It was too late now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Alice and the Looking Glass

  “Wait!” Julian called.

  “No!” I said. My protest turned into a scream as I flattened myself against Bart’s neck and held on for dear life.

  Bart’s feet dug into the soft earth of the forest floor. I clung to his mane as he cantered in the lead. It was either hold on, or let go and fall, which would probably involve being trampled or impaled. Bart leapt over fallen tree trunks and wove around trees. I ducked as he raced under a low bough, shrieking as leaves whacked me in the face.

  “Be gentle with her, Bart. It’s her first time,” one of the other unicorns called.

  “Shut up, donkule butt.”

  After about five minutes, they slowed. I was panting, and my arms shook from clinging so tightly to his mane.

  My voice came out in as a quaking squeak. “That wasn’t very nice.”

  “Milady, we were doing you a favor,” Bart said. “If we hadn’t intervened, that pegasus fornicator would have balled—”

  “Ahem, language. You are in the presence of a lady,” one of them said.

  “He would have behaved in an ungentlemanly manner.”

  “That wasn’t his fault,” I said. I didn’t want to explain to them the sexual depravity had all been my own—my magic that I couldn’t yet control. “Take me back to Julian this instant.”

  They eyed each other, something silent passing between them.

  “Ask us to take you somewhere else,” Bart said.

  “Take me back to the school.”

  “As you wish, milady.”

  I’d heard that when some women ride horses it is a deep, spiritual experience—and the friction gives them an orgasm. Not me. I chafed and got blisters.

  I was famished, and the ride to the school took forever. Partly that was because the unicorns insisted they needed to stop at the stream for a water break. And then they needed to show me their vocal talents, which consisted of singing eighties love ballads. Those unicorns weren’t bad, they just wanted attention. Not so different from my students.

  I thought about Hailey Achilles and Balthasar Llewelyn, my worst students. Did they act out because they wanted attention?

  I didn’t think twice about sitting on Bart’s back as he led the herd of unicorns onto school grounds. Probably I should have given it more thought. Charging up to the school caused quite a commotion. Satyr Sam dropped his gardening shears and ran off, waving his arms. Students loitering outside screamed and ran away. Witchkin flocked to the windows.

  Bart wanted to let me off at the front doors of the school, but I could already see we had trampled beds of flowers and caused an uproar. I insisted he let me off on the lawn by the topiary animals. I slid off, every muscle in my back and legs aching.

  Bart bowed his head. “If you ever are in need while traveling in the forest, just call upon us, the Singing Stallions.”

  “I thought we were the Sarcastic Stallions,” Jo Jo said.

  “No, last week you said we were going to be the Sexy Stallions.”

  “Shut up, pegasus breath.”

  The unicorns continued to bicker as they departed. I waved goodbye to them. Apparently, not everyone could claim to have ridden a unicorn. Students ran up to me, peppering me with questions.

  Chase Othello pushed back a handful of her neon purple hair. “What were you doing riding wild unicorns?”

  Maya Briggs elbowed someone out of the way to ask. “Was it scary?”

  “Did you tame them?” Hailey Achilles ran up to me. “Does this mean you’re a virgin? I hear they prefer virgins.”

  “That’s none of your business,” I said. I sounded like Thatch.

  “Are you going to join the equestrian team?”

  Coach Kutchi came swooping down on her broom a few s
econds later. Professor Bluehorse arrived in a swirl of green mist that smelled like spearmint and cooking herbs.

  Coach Kutchi looked me up and down. “I didn’t know you were a unicorn rider.”

  I smoothed a hand through my windswept hair and tore out a twig. “I didn’t know either until today.” I hoped that wasn’t saying something unusual about my affinity.

  “That was reckless and dangerous. Think what kind of poor example you’re setting for these impressionable young minds.” Professor Bluehorse waved her mossy staff toward the growing swarm of students.

  “What are you wearing?” Coach Kutchi asked. “That attire is hardly professional.”

  I looked down at the white dress. It was pretty grimy. Also, a black bra and panties under a white dress was probably a little more Madonna-esque than was appropriate at school. I needed to get up to my room and change before Jeb saw me and fired me.

  Coach Kutchi continued to bluster. I waited until she took a breath to interject, “Don’t you want to know why I was riding the unicorns? They tricked me—”

  “I don’t want to hear your excuses,” Coach Kutchi yelled. “You’re lucky the principal doesn’t reprimand you for inviting intruders onto campus!”

  Grandmother Bluehorse shook her head at me in disgust. “We’re lucky no one was impaled by those horns.”

  As soon as the two teachers were done chewing me out and left, the students began their questions again.

  “Will you teach me how to call unicorns?” Maggie Greenwood, one of my sophomores asked.

  “How did you tame them?” another girl asked.

  “Tell us all about it!”

  “Maybe later,” I said. “I need to change.”

  I trudged all the way back into the school, my legs as wobbly as jelly. I was exhausted. And hungry. I knew I was supposed to stay out of the kitchen, but I didn’t think I would make it to the teacher’s dormitory for my stash of granola. I snuck in, grabbed a muffin, and ran out.

  In the hallway, I passed a polished suit of armor and did a doubletake at my reflection. My pink hair was puffy and wild like a fire sprite. Between the volume of my hair and the white nightgown, I looked like I’d come out of an eighties commercial for tampons.