Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  “Not good.”

  I lowered my gaze to the surface of the bar where Cat stared at her fingers splayed across it.

  When she explained, her voice sounded strained, and if I knew her as well as I thought I did, she hadn’t talked about any of this with anyone else. She’d always been like that, locked up and closed off from everyone since her father died. Well, closed off to everyone except for me. I found myself feeling sorry for her as I watched her fight to keep up the tough façade that most others actually fell for. But not me.

  “The doctors are saying she needs a kidney transplant,” she added. “Which means she’ll have to start dialysis soon. That’s the only thing that’ll keep her here while we wait.” Cat paused and seemed to drift off someplace else while she thought. “She’s downplaying it all, but… I know things are worse than what she’s letting on. I swear it seems like every day she’s getting weaker and weaker.”

  I stared on, but wasn’t sure what to say. How do you console a person who’s already lost as much as Cat has? “I’m sorry to hear that, but you know, I’ve heard of people surviving on those treatments for a long time. Years.” The words I spoke were true, I had heard that, but Cat didn’t appear to hold on to them. Perhaps doing so would’ve gotten her hopes up and she feared being let down if things didn’t pan out that way.

  “You may be right, but I don’t wanna see her go through that, Luke. I read up on it online. She’ll be tired all the time, there can be complications, and it’s a strain on the heart. So, if she’s forced to be on it too long because they can’t find a donor, then…” Tears welled up in Cat’s eyes and I forced myself to sit there and watch instead of springing to action like I would’ve in the past.

  “The treatment alone could lead to a whole bunch of other problems.” I could literally hear the stress in her voice. On cue, she swallowed down the last of her beer and signaled the bartender to bring her a shot. I knew that to be a bad idea, but held my tongue. “Mike came in tonight, though, so I won’t have to take care of her alone.”

  Mike, Cat’s older brother, coming into town would be a huge help to her. Now, maybe she’d get to breathe. Up until now, getting her mother to all of her doctor’s appointments and providing her with home care had been on Cat.

  “As shady as your brother is for inviting me the way he did,” she said, casting her eyes my way as her dark hair fell behind her shoulder. “…I’m glad to be out with you guys. Feels like old times.” Her words lingered in the air long after she’d spoken them. This did feel like old times; however, that wasn’t a good thing. I’d reached a new phase in life, one that made being here seem more and more wrong as the seconds wore on. Remembering my plan from earlier, the one that involved making a clean exit, I reached inside my pocket, despite the fact that Nick had offered to cover the tab. Maybe if I was the one to pay, that would soften the blow of me cutting out on my own birthday celebration early.

  Cat saw me reaching for my wallet and confusion crossed her face. “You’re leaving?” she asked.

  I nodded and slid the bartender a hundred dollar bill before addressing Cat’s question. “I think it’d be best.”

  She sat there in silence, watching as I put my wallet away again when the tab was settled.

  “Because of me?” she asked, her voice raising an octave, revealing an undertone of guilt. “I mean, tonight was supposed to be about you,” she added, standing to her feet when I did. “If me being here is making you uncomfortable, I should be the one to leave. Not you. Your brother’s will be pissed if you take off now. Seriously. I don’t mind—”

  I placed a hand on her wrist to silence her. It worked and I had her full attention. “Relax. Stay. Have fun. I think you need it more than I do.” And I believe I was right about that. Looking at her, there were no physical signs of being stressed, but she had to be with all her mother had been through lately. Besides, she’d said herself that this break was needed.

  “Luke, I—”

  I managed to give a small smile. “It’s fine. Really.”

  My thoughts instantly went to calculating how much time I’d have to wait for Lissette to make it home, but just as I was getting ready to put distance between Cat and I, she leaned in, dousing me with an outpouring of confusion that covered me from head to toe, rendering me paralyzed when a feather-light kiss was placed on my cheek. Nothing suggestive. Just a brief touch of her lips to my skin. A spark of familiarity flickered deep within me, but I hurried to suffocate it. Snuffing it out instantly.

  “Cat I… we can’t…”

  She must’ve seen the look on my face because a quiet laugh bellowed from her throat. “Relax, Luke. I was just saying goodbye,” she said, giving me the side eye, as if to say I was crazy for thinking she meant anything else by it. Not wanting to make a scene, I didn’t question her any further, just felt more certain that I should leave.

  “All right, well, I’ll see ya,” I said, now moving just a bit more urgently toward the exit. When I glanced toward my brothers and Mel at the pool table, Matt was the only one who seemed to notice I was about to cut out early. However, judging by his questioning stare, I was pretty sure he’d seen more than that.

  Chapter Twenty

  Lissette

  With our evening apart behind us, Luke and I made plans to have dinner out tonight, realizing we hadn’t done so in a while. However, this plan quickly changed when he got a call from his mother around lunchtime, asking if he and I would come to their home to ‘discuss a few matters’, he said, quoting her directly. While I was scared out of my mind about how the discussion could go, I knew Luke wanted this. Needed this. It’d been nearly two whole months since his parents had spoken a single word to him. Even at Nick’s wedding, they made no effort to speak.

  Our evening was supposed to conclude at Luke’s apartment after the dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Valente, so I packed the things I’d need, the few items I didn’t have duplicates of at my place and his, and was dressed and ready to go. To avoid Luke having to come to my side of town to pick me up, I drove myself to his apartment, pulling up only seconds before he made it there from work. To me, I didn’t look like much, but the way his eyes dragged wantonly over me from head to toe when I stepped out of my car, my stomach fluttered.

  God, I hoped he’d always look at me just like that…

  I was in his arms as quickly as he could make it around to my driver’s side. We lingered there a moment, finding our place in each other like two pieces of a puzzle, forced to spend hours apart when all we really wanted was to be lost in each other always. Luke squeezed and then finally made himself let go as we stood face to face in his parking lot.

  “So… you ready for this?” he asked, looking like he wasn’t so sure himself about joining his parents. I didn’t want him to know I had doubts, too, though. So I made myself smile, my fingers making their way to the end of his necktie when I did.

  “I’m ready. This is a good thing. You’ll see that soon,” I assured him.

  He looked so fragile in that moment, like he wanted to have hope but was afraid of the letdown that could follow.

  “Come on. Let’s go upstairs to relax for a few. We’ve got a little while before it’s time to go.” Luke trailed behind me as I spoke the words, taking his hand in mine to lead the way up the paved sidewalk that took us to the front door of his building. Inside, the silence made my anxiety grow because my thoughts now seemed louder.

  What if his parents never approve of how quickly we did this?

  What if they shun him forever because of it? Because of me?

  That seemed a bit extreme to me, but then again, so did not talking to their son for months. My parents weren’t happy either, but instead of giving me the silent treatment, they told me how they felt and then we moved on. As Luke and I took the stairs to his floor, I wondered what it must feel like to be in his shoes, to have my parents keep me on the outside.

  Luke had his key ready and let us inside. The potent aroma of freshly popped popco
rn hit us both right away, then our eyes went in the direction of the loud crunching at the dining room table. Matt sat there, engrossed in whatever he was doing on his laptop, munching away. He didn’t look up until Luke closed the door.

  “Oh, hey! Whassup!” he greeted us both, a broad smile crossing his face when he did. I had to admit, Matt’s endless optimism, seemingly about everything, was infectious. He was always smiling, always joking. It felt like so long ago that I was leery of his intentions with this whole documentary idea. Now, though, I felt like I owed so much to him. Because of his outlandish idea, I was living my version of a real-life fairytale with the man of my dreams.

  I smiled back and gave a small wave, slipping out of the black heels I’d put on to dress up the skinny-jeans and tunic I had on to wear to Luke’s parents’ house.

  “What you working on?” I asked, making my way closer to Matt’s work station when Luke disappeared in his room, to change.

  Matt shrugged, sliding his headphones from his ears to hang around his neck before replying. “Just some footage for the film. Working on placing some of the candid interviews. It’s kinda tricky figuring out where they’ll have the most impact in the film. Technically, I should wait until we’re done filming, but I’m too impatient for that,” he said with a chuckle.

  I laughed. “I see. Can’t wait ‘til you’re done so we can all take a look at the finished product.”

  When I leaned against the doorframe, I heard Luke answer a call.

  “I think the world will be pleasantly surprised,” Matt added, drawing my attention away from Luke’s call in the other room.

  “The world, huh?” I said, chuckling a bit at his statement. Who knows, though? Maybe he was right. Maybe one day the entire world would want to hear how two crazy strangers married and fell in love.

  Luke came back into the room, his expression sullen. “We’re gonna have to reschedule with my parents. That was my boss; he needs me back in the office to fix one of his mistakes,” he grumbled, pressing the screen of his phone before holding it to his ear. “Mom, hey. Listen I hate to have to do this with such short notice, but we may need a rain check. O’ Riley needs me for a bit.” He paused while his mother responded. “Ok. Let Dad know I’m sorry, too,” Luke concluded, letting out a heavy sigh when he holstered his phone inside the leather case at his waist again. He hadn’t even had time to change out of his clothes yet. Poor thing.

  Warm lips touched the tip of my nose and I clutched Luke’s fingers in my hand for a fraction of a second when he moved past me.

  “I’ll make this as quick as I can. Hopefully, I’ll be back before you fall asleep.”

  I nodded and noted the disappointment on his face. It may have been that he was looking forward to clearing the air with his parents or it could’ve just been that he didn’t want to leave me. Either way, I hoped he’d be back soon.

  He came in quick with a kiss and hug, tickling the side of my neck with his facial hair. “God, I love you,” he mumbled against my skin, pressing his lips there one more time.

  “I love you, too,” I replied on the tail end of a laugh. “And be careful,” I added before he hurried down the hall.

  It was just Matt and I after that. He’d gone back to working, headphones in place, which meant it was on me to entertain myself for the evening. That was fine. I had a book in my purse that would do the trick.

  I retreated to Luke’s room to change into my yoga pants and knee-high socks before plopping down on the living room couch with a blanket. Not gonna lie, when Luke got the call from his parents that they wanted the two of us to visit I was petrified of how it would go. For that reason, I was almost relieved that his boss called him back in. I still wasn’t ready to face Mr. and Mrs. Valente. The one good thing about this was that they didn’t dislike me per se, they just didn’t like what Luke and I had done. To me, that left us with hope that the situation would one day rectify itself.

  Across the room, Matt pecked and clicked away. He really seemed to love what he did, causing me to envy him just a bit for finding a way to live out his dream. He was doing something few people can say they achieve in life. I think my persistent stare as I analyzed him caught his attention and he eased his headphones off again.

  “Did you say something?” he asked.

  I smiled a little and laughed. “Nope, just watching the mad scientist in his lab. When do we get a sneak peek, anyway?” I asked, using my finger as a placeholder in my book.

  He laughed. “Soon. I promise. I’ve pretty much got the first segment done. I think—” he paused midsentence when his phone buzzed.

  His eyes went to the screen, staring at the number it displayed. When he did this, a heavy sigh puffed from his lungs before he answered with a dry, “What, Nick?”

  While he addressed his brother I went back to reading, although it was impossible to ignore the conversation.

  “Both front tires? Who the hell does that?” he asked, his headphones clattering to the dining room table when frustration caused him to drop them carelessly. I peeked at him over my glasses as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re killing me. I’ve got a ton of work to do here.”

  There was a pause while I imagined Nick was responding.

  “The hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked and then paused. “I’m editing! That’s work!” He quickly became defensive.

  Another pause and I shifted my eyes back down to the page.

  “Yeah, whatever. Be there in twenty,” Matt concluded, pushing his chair away from the table in a huff as soon as he did. He stood there a moment looking frazzled. Feeling his pocket, he stopped searching when his keys jingled a bit inside it. He turned to address me as he headed toward the doorway, still sporting the same scowl he had before his call ended.

  “Somehow, Nick managed to get two flat tires and needs help changing them. I suppose I’ll be back whenever we get ‘em done,” he said, raking his fingers through his hair again. “You’ll be ok here on your own?”

  I frowned but chuckled a bit. “Why wouldn’t I be,” I asked. “I’m a big girl.”

  He nodded distractedly, feeling his other pocket for something else this time. “Wallet,” he mumbled to himself just before high-tailing it to his bedroom. When he came back, he was shoving the billfold into his back pocket.

  “Yeah… make yourself at home,” he said, clearly frustrated that his oldest brother had interrupted his night in such a major way.

  “Will do,” I assured him, acknowledging the fact that this was the first time I’d be in his and Luke’s apartment on my own. I wasn’t uncomfortable with the idea of it, though.

  On his way out of the apartment, Matt was mumbling something else to himself. Then, the next second, the door slammed behind him and I was in complete silence. I immediately lowered my head back to my book, reading the same line over and over again several times because my mind had drifted elsewhere. I tried to refocus, but it was too hard with Matt’s laptop open on the dining room table. I was anxious to see what he had so far, anxious to see what I looked like on camera, anxious to see if he’d edited some of my candid interviews like I asked him to. Giving in to curiosity, I shut my book and set it on the coffee table before tiptoeing to Matt’s laptop as if there was someone other than me in the apartment, someone to witness the extreme nosiness that had taken over me all of a sudden.

  Easing into the chair at the head of the table where Matt had just been sitting, the pale glow of the screen’s light filled the space around me when I ran my finger over the touchpad. The corners of my mouth turned up into a devilish grin.

  I was careful not to mess anything up. The thought of accidentally pressing something that would delete the entire project crossed my mind, but I wasn’t computer illiterate enough for such a disaster to actually occur. The nervousness began to slip away and I found myself staring at a still shot of Melinda, most likely from one of her candids. I purposely moved to the next, removing the image of her because she’d been nothing but r
ude to me since day one.

  The next was that of Luke laughing while wearing his tux. He was here in his apartment from the looks of it, right before the wedding, I assumed. A warmth that I can’t explain filled me from head to toe and I couldn’t help but to push ‘play’. I knew I shouldn’t be spying on Luke’s footage, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “T minus one hour.” Nick’s voice blared through Matt’s headphones on the table. I’d forgotten they were plugged in, so I slid them over my ears and listened, watching images of Luke and his brothers sitting around his living room on the morning we said our vows. Matt was mostly behind the camera.

  “Why do you always talk about marriage like it’s a death sentence?” Luke asked, smiling. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up as I watched him through the screen.

  Nick shrugged. “Because it is a death sentence. The death of your youth. The death of your happiness. The—”

  “Alright, alright, alright. We get your point,” Matt cut in. “We’ve gotta get going.” When he finished speaking, the camera moved awkwardly, aimed at the floor, and I realized it was because Matt was getting to his feet as did Nick and Luke. He filmed the whole thing—them heading out of the building, the drive to the gazebo by the lake, all of it. The thought crossed my mind that decades could pass and Luke and I could be watching this footage together in our old age, trying to remember how either of us ever got up the courage to go through with this.

  I paused the segment and, with a few clicks, I figured out how to pull up thumbnails of all the individual segments using Matt’s software. There was one marked with the date of Aura’s baby shower. When I clicked through the stills, I focused on an image of Brooklyn smiling. Ever curious, I clicked on that one to see what Matt was up to.

  Background noise and laughter came through the speakers of the headphones as the image on the screen came to life. Brooklyn was across the yard, but Matt had zoomed in on her while she conversed with Aura’s neighbor, Hellen. The lens stayed trained on Brooklyn while Matt spied. I had to laugh at him; he really had it bad for her.