Unintentional

  Douglas takes a long look at me, staring.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You’re actually more beautiful than I remember. I can’t believe it’s possible, but here you sit.”

  I can feel myself blush. Douglas was always good with compliments.

  “Thanks, Douglas. You look great, as well.”

  We sit quietly for a few moments. I hope this doesn’t get awkward.

  “It’s been too long. I’ve been meaning to call you, but I wanted to give you some time to think about things. I waited, hoping you’d call me by now.” His brow furrows. “But I think I might have made a strategic misstep, because, as you know, you haven’t called.” His smiling good humor is back.

  “That’s funny, because I think your last words to me were you’d win me back. I waited for the big play,” I tease.

  “That day, Laurel, when we had our talk? I was caught off guard. It was the first thing that popped into my brain. I’m usually more conscious of what I say.” He shrugs and continues. “I have to ask now that I have the opportunity. Why, Laurel? Why did you end things? I thought everything was going so well.”

  “I don’t know how to answer that. Something was missing for me, Douglas. I can’t put my finger on what it was exactly. All I know is that, I wouldn’t have kissed someone else if I was sure about us.”

  “Did you have to be sure? We’d only dated for three months. Of course there’s going to be some doubt along the way.” He pauses. “You really aren’t dating the rocker guy?”

  “Cade? No, no I’m not.” Why does this statement make my stomach drop?

  “Would you consider dating me again? Slowly, no expectations?” His face is smiling, but I detect he’s trying to hide something, maybe insecurity? He was always so self-assured. This isn’t consistent with what I remember about him.

  “I don’t know, Douglas. I’m going to be so tied up with promoting Hard Reign. This is the biggest opportunity that’s ever come my way. These guys are going to be huge.”

  I see a blaze of an unknown emotion quickly appear then disappear behind his eyes. He regroups and smiles warmly.

  “How about when you’re done with the major push? Will you think about it?”

  “Sure. I’ll think about it.” I smile back at him.

  He really is a good guy. Maybe after this craziness is over, I’ll need someone slow and steady like Douglas.

  Chapter 16

  Laurel

  March

  I’m in a room with fifty phones ringing at the same time. I know I need to answer them, but I’m worried I’ll choose the wrong one. I pick up the phone closest to me and answer tentatively.

  “Laurel Lawson.”

  I hear a chuckle on the other end. “Are you always this professional in the middle of the night?”

  My bleary brain starts to clear the fog from my dream. “What? Who is this?”

  He laughs again. I know that laugh, but he sounds different somehow.

  “Cade?”

  “Yep. It’s me. Whatcha doing?”

  I train my eyes on my alarm clock.

  “Yeah, uh…well, since it’s two in the morning, I’ll let you guess.”

  He laughs again. Now I hear background noises—glasses clinking, people talking, low music playing. He’s at a bar.

  He lowers his voice. “Who’s Douglas?”

  “Cade? You met Douglas two months ago. Why are you asking now?” Is he drunk?

  “It’s taken me this long to work up the courage to ask you. Are you dating him?”

  I’ve spent the last two months working eighteen hours days, trying to get Hard Reign’s demo recorded and tour dates set up. He must think I’m Superwoman or something.

  “You do know I’ve spent every waking moment these past two months working to get the band promoted, right? I haven’t had time to breathe let alone date.”

  “Oh, uh, thanks, Laurel. I do appreciate all the work you’ve done for us. I guess I should ask a different question. If you had more time, would you want to date him, or someone like him?”

  I sit up in bed. Don’t you dare get all soft and vulnerable on me! It’s hard enough to resist the sexy, tattooed engineer/singer. Now this? I don’t know why, but I’m totally angry, angry he’s taken precious sleep from me, angry he’s showing me this side of him. I don’t want to see it.

  “Cade, you need to drop this. Okay? I’m going back to sleep, and I suggest you do the same. I’ll talk to you later.” I click off. If there was an award for the Biggest Bitch in the World, I’d win it right now. It can’t be avoided though. I desperately need some distance. I haven’t seen Cade in two months, but the emotional pull is still there, strong as ever.

  Cade

  I put my head down on the bar, taking a deep breath. I hear Scott’s voice.

  “Shot down again, huh?”

  I wonder, if I punch him will he remember it tomorrow? He gives me a sympathetic pat on the back. I put my plans to deck him on hold, for now.

  “Yep, she hung up on me.” I leave my head on the bar. The cold feeling of the wood beneath my head is helping to alleviate my impending headache.

  “Cade, man, why do you always pick the unavailable ones? Look around you. There are dozens of women right here in this bar who’d love to go home with you. Except here you are, pining away for the one woman who doesn’t want you.”

  That stings. I look up as Scott motions over to a table of five women, all of them with their eyes on us. My eyesight is blurred, but I’m still able to make out the heavily made up, overtly loose women two tables away. They all look alike. Bottle blondes, false eyelashes, false smiles, false everything. Laurel is real. She’s not like these girls.

  “Laurel wants me. She just doesn’t know it yet,” I respond. My words sound confident, but I’m not.

  Scott chuckles. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. In the meantime, why don’t we have a little fun?”

  He waves over to the table of girls. I can hear them tittering and squealing with excitement. Oh, hell no.

  “I’m feeling a little sick. I’m going to head home. I’ve already called the taxi,” I state unequivocally. I know when Scott gets in his party mode it’s hard to stop him.

  “Cade, wait a minute. I want to tell you something.” He pauses, looking uncomfortable. “I know how you feel, man. I’ve been going through the same thing myself with Sophie. It’s been months. I’ve tried everything to get her attention, but she hasn’t noticed me – at all. Those two girls, Cade, they aren’t going to budge. They take their professionalism very seriously. You have to start living your life. First, it was Mattie, now Laurel. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

  I know he’s right. I’m so out of my depth on this. I have to let Laurel go. I place my head back onto the bar and wait for my taxi.

  Chapter 17

  Laurel

  Seven months later

  October

  Seven months. Seven long months. I’ve only seen Cade in person twice. Both times at business meetings with a room full of people. Why am I torturing myself like this? I keep hoping we’re thrust into a storage closet again, or a park bench, or anywhere we can be alone. Would it happen again if we were? That vibrating, electric spark igniting every cell in my body, making me forget everything I thought I wanted.

  I’ve told him I want to keep our relationship strictly professional. That’s what my brain wants. My heart is a different matter. Why does he have to be so respectful? I wonder if our agreement is as tough on him as it is on me. I think about him constantly.

  I’ve been lucky enough to get to know all of the band members, and they’re a fantastic group. I have to admit, though, my favorite, other than Cade, would be Scott. He’s got this “Let’s have fun, who the hell cares” attitude. I wish I were more like him.

  The band has jokingly named me “Major League Laurel.” I like that they have confidence in me, but I worry they think I’m all business all the time. I can’t blame them. I’ve
tucked away my fun, free-spirited side for the most part. I’ve dedicated my entire life to them and the promotion of their band. I think they all sense how much I believe in them, and I know they appreciate all the hours I’ve spent making sure everything goes just right. The only problem is, I haven’t made sure my life is going just right. I’ve put what I need, what I want over to the side. I’m okay with it though. As soon as Hard Reign hits it big, like I know they will, the biggest part of my job will be done.

  Although it’s been hard working long distance and being away from the band—specifically Cade—something really great happened along the way. Through our many Skype sessions and text messages, the beginning of a good, solid friendship with Cade has sprung to life.

  I love Skype. It’s good to see Cade’s smiling face almost every day. Sometimes, we spend hours catching up. Usually, we dedicate the first twenty minutes talking about band business, and after, it slowly creeps into personal territory.

  Cade is so easy to talk to. I’ve been able to share with him things I haven’t told anyone, including Sophie. The first time it happened, I was so shocked I didn’t sleep the entire night. I tossed and turned, trying to figure out what happened. Why did I trust Cade so much with my stories, my secrets? Usually, I tell Sophie everything, except for a few things that are so deep, so painful, I keep them to myself.

  Those unwanted memories have been locked inside until recently. For some reason, I’ve been able to spill my painful secrets to Cade without fear of judgment. It’s not that I think Sophie will judge me, but she’ll want to talk it to death. Sometimes, it just feels good to get it out there, deal with it, and move on. He’s just like that. He takes everything in stride. In return, he’s been very forthcoming about his history, why he felt closed off for so many years. Cade has had two serious relationships, and both ended badly. He seems to be at peace with it. He tells me he’s accepted that the relationship he had with Mattie wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know how he remains so optimistic. I wish I were more like him.

  It’s nice to know, through all of this, we’ll be friends at the very least. I’ve come to grips with the fact I want more, but the timing isn’t right – yet.

  Sophie has been doing a good job staying away from Scott and Ayden. I think she’s respecting me by not doing her usual “love em and leave em,” knowing it has been so hard for me to stay away from Cade. Also, there seems to be a serious dynamic that has started to rev up. If it keeps going in this direction, it won’t be good. Scott and Ayden are good friends. They aren’t as close as Scott and Cade, but they’ve always had a good-natured working relationship.

  Lately, it’s been a little strained between them. Even though Sophie hasn’t shown any interest in either one, they still seem to be posturing for her attention. Sophie and I have spent many nights giggling about which attention-getting scenario they’ll get themselves into next. The last time we went to watch Hard Reign play, Scott “accidentally” dropped his beer down his shirt. So, of course, it had to come off. The entire time, his gaze didn’t leave Sophie. She waved and winked at him, which sent Scott off into more exhibitionist behavior. “Oops,” he said and proceeded to spill more on to himself, so he had to remove his pants, leaving only boxers. Of course, the women in the room were oh so appreciative of the show.

  Sophie laughed again and looked away, right into Ayden’s eyes. That was not a good idea, because Ayden has this hot, bad boy thing going on. He’s just the type of guy Sophie’s been drawn to in the past. Ayden continued to stare at her, undressing her with his eyes; even I was uncomfortable. I think Ayden won that round, even though Scott was practically naked. Poor Scott. He might be too “good” which is exactly what Sophie needs.

  I use the term “good” lightly though. Scott is still a little wild, and I’m sure he’s had his share of drunken, disorderly behavior, but I think he’s just too together for Sophie. She seems to gravitate toward the dark, angsty types. The types she can try to fix.

  Sophie and I have talked about this before. We know we’re both sabotaging ourselves romantically, but we can’t seem to shake loose from old patterns. I can see it now, Sophie and I, age ninety, in our rocking chairs with fifty cats around us.

  ∗∗∗

  We’re finally back in Seattle. I don’t want to admit to myself that I’m excited to see Cade, but…I’m excited to see Cade. I smile to myself as I think about him.

  Sophie notices my expression and asks, “What has you looking so happy?”

  “Me?” I question.

  “It couldn’t be because we’re seeing the boys tonight, could it?” She knows it is.

  I look at her innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Uh huh, sure, Laurel.” She gives me a sly smile. “Well, I’ll admit it. I’m so excited to see the band again!” She starts dancing around to prove her point.

  “Aren’t you a little nervous about tonight? Do you think they’ll be upset we’re surprising them?” My brow knits together. We’re dropping in because this will be their last live performance for at least a couple months. Their recording sessions will start soon, so this will be our last opportunity to see them before the craziness begins. When their CD drops, I expect all hell to break loose, in a good way, of course.

  Sophie laughs. “Sure, Laurel, they’ll just hate seeing us.” She’s her usual sarcastic self.

  I elbow her. “I hope you’re right—oops, I mean wrong.” My brain feels scattered with thoughts of seeing Cade again.

  We’ve left our hotel and are headed through Seattle to the Emerald City Nightclub. I try to calm my mind, which is, unfortunately, directing my heart to race and the butterflies to do their crazy fluttering thing. I take a breath and repeat to myself, mind/body, mind/body. I make a mental note to get back into yoga.

  We find parking and make our way into the packed nightclub. It’s 10:00 pm, and they’re in full swing. The guys know they won’t be singing live for a while, and I can tell they’re making the most of it. They’re singing one of Cade’s original songs, one of my personal favorites. I try to catch Cade’s eye, but he’s too busy making the girls before him scream. I laugh to myself. This type of thing never threatens me or makes me feel jealous. First, I don’t have any rights to him. We’re friends, well, friends with chemistry. Also, I know this is what they need to do as a band. They need to engage with their audience, drive them wild. And oh boy, do they ever.

  Cade and I have talked about the fanatical girls who come to hear them play every night, vying for his attention. He’s a typical rocker in all the ways rockers are, except for one difference. He isn’t interested in the type of girls who throw themselves at someone just because they sing in a band. The groupies, the hanger-ons, the…well, there are lots of other names, but he isn’t interested.

  He told me he wants someone “real” and has never taken any girl up on any offer, whether it be a phone number or hotel key. When I asked him about it once, he scrunched up his nose and shook his head. I had to laugh, because he looked like a little boy. In a lot of ways, he seems like a boy to me. Maybe not a little boy, but he has a child-like exuberance that is infectious. He loves any and all games— card and sports, he is the first to laugh at any joke—good or bad, and he loves any and all practical jokes.

  Currently, Scott and Cade have a contest going, who can one up the other to the point of humiliation. Last month, while they were in Portland, Oregon performing, Scott pulled the biggest prank ever on Cade. Scott placed a huge plastic alligator in the bathtub in Cade’s room before he came back from their performance. He also rigged a video camera to catch Cade’s reaction, and oh, what a reaction it was! There were two funny parts of this practical joke. First, Cade screamed. He actually screamed. Apparently, Cade made the mistake of telling Scott of a family outing in Okefenokee, Georgia when he was fifteen. Wanting to sleep in, he refused to leave the tent when his family left to run errands. About an hour later, he heard a rustling sound and peered out from the thi
n lining of the tent. Eight feet down the dock was the largest alligator known to man, according to Cade anyway. He crept out of the tent, ran to the outhouse, and spent four hours hiding from the creature. It left him with a deep-seated fear of alligators, setting himself up for the biggest—some would say cruelest—practical joke ever. The other part was genius. Scott put the video on YouTube, and it has almost fifty thousand hits. Cade isn’t so happy about it, but the PR for the band is priceless.

  As a result, Cade has been plotting his revenge. He’s asked me for ideas, but there’s no way I’m getting in the middle of this battle. It’s fun though, hearing about possible scenarios where Scott gets his comeuppance. I made Cade promise I would be there to see whatever he dreamed up. He laughed and said he’d make sure I didn’t miss it.

  I have a smile on my face as I relive some of my conversations with Cade. Just when I think he’s about to turn my way, I see a girl jump up on the stage. And not just any girl. This could possibly be the most drop-dead gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen. Cade’s eyes zoom in on her, and his smile is overwhelming. I stand and stare as he gives her a huge hug. Why does she have to be so pretty? This could be nothing, although, it bothers me she doesn’t look like one of the groupie girls I’ve grown accustomed to. If she looked a little more like the usual girls that surround him, I think this situation wouldn’t make me so nervous. This girl looks like a runway model. Runway models aren’t groupies. They don’t need to be. I’m swearing in my head again.

  Why am I so upset? I’ve told Cade I’m not ready for a relationship. Did I expect him not to have a girlfriend? Yes, I think I did, as irrational as that sounds.

  Suddenly, I realize he’s probably had a girlfriend all along. The thought stops me cold. I think about our daily talks, how close we’ve become. Was I wrong? Were we just becoming closer friends? Oh, no, I’m starting to remember the conversations. He never mentioned a girlfriend, but I never asked. I’m so incredibly stupid. I stand, staring at them. He’s looking into her eyes with his hands on her face, with his smile reaching from ear to ear. He’s gazing into her eyes, excitedly talking to her. This isn’t just a casual girlfriend. He loves her.