by M J Rutter
“Your treat?” I queried, “But you haven’t been paid yet, have you?”
“My dad told me that my mother’s insurance has started paying me now that I am twenty-five. Apparently, since my birthday in May, so…”
“So?”
“I actually have some money in my bank account.”
“I see.” I frowned.
“I didn’t know she even had insurance, much less set up a trust fund for me.” He explained. “So, I plan to pay you back for everything and I want to buy you a late lunch.”
“Are you sure you didn’t just get a few bucks from your old man?” I accused.
“He wouldn’t give me money even if I asked him.” He frowned. “Jenna, what’s wrong?”
“I would rather starve than take anything from him.” I grumbled sourly.
“I would never do that to you.” He said taking my arm. I couldn’t even look at him I was so angry. “Fine, let’s just forget it. We’ll go back to your place and eat frozen pizza instead.” He snapped and turned to walk back to the car.
“I’m not in the mood for eating out, anyway.” I scoffed and hurried after him.
The drive back was tough. Cain was angry, again and I was completely pissed off, again. I felt sure he wasn’t being honest about the money. You don’t just forget about an insurance policy and not check your bank account for months. Neither of us were in the right frame of mind for anything public. It was not the time to tell him that I thought we should call it quits. I didn’t want to do that to him after burying his grandmother. But I didn’t know how much longer I could go on seeing him, wanting him in my life and act like all was okay because it wasn’t, it couldn’t be.
“Can we stop by the ATM?” he asked suddenly as we drove towards City Bank.
“Sure.” I shrugged and drove into the bank’s car lot. He climbed out to use the ATM. After a few moments, he returned. He climbed back into the car and handed me a slip of paper. “What’s this?”
“My mother’s insurance company was called Life First. If you look at the print out, you will see two deposits from them. My birthday is May fifth, that was the first, then June.” He explained. “I didn’t know it was going into my account because when you are broke, why check your account to find out something you already know, you are still broke?”
“I didn’t think…”
“You accused me of taking money from a man who could barely speak to me, who accused me of going after, and I quote, ‘His sloppy seconds.’ That’s what he muttered to me at my grandmother’s grave side. The man is pitiful, and a loser and he hated that we are together. So, if the reason you are acting cold towards me is because of anything he said or did today, please remember that I love you and I would choose you over him a thousand times. After all, he has chosen women over me my whole life.”
“I’m sorry.” I frowned.
“Sorry?” he questioned. “Sorry for what? For not talking to me and treating me like a child, sorry because you allowed my father to upset you or…?”
“Sorry for everything. You’re absolutely right, I did let your dad get to me. Once again, Jake managed to move into my head and destroy me with words. You have no idea of how painful it has been to get to where I am now. I am also sorry as I saw you muttering something to him and I assumed you were asking about a loan or something, I mean, he is your dad. So, how about you cut me some slack and get off that high horse you are sat on?”
Silence hovered in the car and he tried very hard not to smile but failed. “He apologised at my grandfather’s house for how he spoke about you. He then asked what I was doing now, and I told him about my job. He explained that my mother’s insurance should have been making payments. Also, he said that you looked amazing and he was sorry how things ended between you two and that was it.” He explained.
“He said I was pathetic and the only reason I was with you was because I couldn’t have him.”
“Well, that’s total BS.” He scoffed. “The man seriously has issues.” He placed his hand on my leg and I must admit, I liked the warmth it gave me. “I guess it kinda makes me want to love you more, give you more, be more for you to show him that he is and has always been wrong about us both.” Tears filled my eyes, because I couldn’t risk that, I couldn’t take that chance. “Jenna, what is it?”
“We need to go home.” I stated, fighting with everything I had to not let this destroy me too. I started the engine and drove out of the bank parking lot. I could tell he was concerned, but I had to do this. I had to tell him.
The blue sky had clouded over by the time we got back to my house. As we waited for the garage doors to open, a spray of rain drops dotted over my windshield. He followed me inside and once in the kitchen I turned to him.
“Would you like a hot drink?” I asked.
“No.” He frowned. “So, what is it, say what you have to say?”
“Let’s sit on the couch.” I suggested.
“Let’s not.” He refused.
“Cain… please, don’t make this anymore harder than it already is.” I pleaded.
“Why? You’re about to break up with me, right?” his words shocked me, he sounded so upset. “That’s what’s happening here. You want me to sit down so you can say, it was great, we had fun but… well, you are the loser you warned me you were and let’s face it, no one wants a loser in their life.” He spat angrily.
“I have never thought that.” I protested.
“Not in words, no.” he grumbled.
“I just don’t think it will work and I don’t want to hurt you.” I reasoned.
“Too late for that.” He snapped. “What did I do wrong?”
“You did nothing wrong, Cain, nothing. You are an incredible man, but the circumstances of how we know each other, they are wrong. We are wrong and as much as I care for you, I will not spend my life defending us.”
“Defending us to who?” he demanded.
“Everyone.”
“No, you just don’t think I am worth the fight. No one does. Let’s face it, Jen, I am in the way, the unwanted child nobody wanted around. The uninvited guest at a family gathering. My mother used to palm me off to anyone who would have me, my dad never wanted me with him. He gave up on me when I was eighteen and has constantly reminded me of how I am letting the ‘family name’ down. My life has been one long screw up after another. I know I didn’t help matters. Then I found you again, you came back into my life and you have done more for me in a week than anyone and now you are giving up on me too.” His voice cracked with emotion and it tore at my heart. “Thanks for helping me, thanks for the job and thanks for coming with me today. For a little while there, I thought I was worthy of being loved by someone like you, something else I have managed to screw up.” He said and walked towards the stairs. “I’ll go and pack.”
“You don’t have to leave.” I frowned.
“I do, because I am in love with you and to go back to friends after everything we have done together, that’s like taking a candy bar from a kid when they have only had one bite.”
He left me standing in the kitchen and I thought I would have felt a little better, but I didn’t. I felt like my soul had been taken. I had broken this man’s heart, but I also felt I had broken mine too.
He was upstairs a long time, I pondered on whether I should check on him and when I had gained enough courage to go up to his room, I heard him coming down the stairs. I stayed in the living room, perched on the arm of the couch and hoped he would come in to talk, I didn’t want to leave it like this.
He didn’t come in, but I heard him call a cab and that’s when my heart exploded. He asked to be taken into the city and I knew I would have to face him again every day of my working life, but more upset for the fact he was leaving me. I wanted this, I wanted it over, but I didn’t want to lose him completely and I just didn’t know how to tell him this.
I went out to find him to see if there could be a way we could remain friends. He was standing in the kitchen
, leaning against the counter, his legs crossed at the ankles and his arms folded over his chest. He flashed his blue eyes at me as I came in.
“The cab will be here as soon as it can.”
“I told you that you don’t have to go.”
“And I told you I can’t stay.” He croaked.
“I am so sorry,” I stepped forward and he backed away from me.
“Don’t, Jen, please, just let me wait for that cab and I will go.” My eyes filled with tears. He stared briefly and turned his back on me.
“Okay, well, I guess this is goodbye.” I sniffed. My whole body shook, I didn’t understand why.
“Yeah, bye.” He grunted coldly.
I left him standing alone and hurried up to my room. If this was the right thing to do, I didn’t understand why it hurt so much? I sat on my bed and allowed my tears to fall until I heard the front door slam shut downstairs and hurried to the window. Cain was loading his bag into the trunk of a yellow cab. He flashed his incredible eyes up at me before climbing into the back, closed the cab door and then he drove away in the rain. Just as quickly as Cain had burst back into my life, he had now left it again and all that was left behind was a gaping hole.
I stared at the grey clouds, pouring out my heart across the state in sheets of rain. A fear I hadn’t felt for years filled my body with dread. A fear that perhaps I had made a mistake, because I was certain of one thing that Friday afternoon, if I didn’t feel for Cain the way he felt for me, then why did it hurt so much to let him go? After a few more painful moments, I went down stairs and found a note on the counter.
‘Jenna,
You saved me in ways I never thought possible, I will never forget you or all that you did for me. I am sorry I yelled at you. I am forever in your debt. Please, be happy.
Cain xoxo.’
He was gone, truly gone and I felt so alone, empty and alone and I already missed him. I allowed my heart to explode, collapsed to the floor while clutching his letter to my chest and shamelessly sobbed.
After pulling myself together, slightly, I opened a bottle of white wine and drank it dry, I cried my way through a box of tissues and I picked up my phone a hundred times to call him, but I chickened out and put my phone back into my bag.
I opened a second bottle of wine and tried to watch a movie on TV but it was a romance and the couple were so in love, and it caused physical pain to watch. Why couldn’t I just have that, why was everything so hard for me? I went up to his room and sat on his neatly made bed, smoothed my hand over his pillow and allowed yet more tears to fall. Jake was right, I saw that now, I was pathetic.
Fourteen
A continuous pounding on my front door, drilled into my aching head. My face still felt sticky with tears and I opened my sore eyes. I had fallen asleep in Cain’s room, hugging his pillow. I sat up slowly and looked at my phone. It was almost twelve and the sun was shining through the window in golden rays across the room through the partially open blind. The pounding started again so I climbed from the bed and hurried down the stairs.
Pulling the door open, Jake, wearing sunglasses, jumped back. I frowned at the bright sunlight and straightened my back defensively.
“Jake?”
“Sorry, to uh…, have I just woken you?” he asked.
“I had to get up.” I shrugged. “What do you want?”
“I need to speak to my son.”
“He’s not here.” I frowned.
“Sorry, but I don’t believe you.” He pushed past me and started running around my house. “Cain?” he yelled, “Cain?”
“I told you he’s not here. He left here last night and I haven’t seen him since.” I snapped. “Now, kindly leave my house.”
“He came to me last night in a cab, he was drunk and we had a fight then I told him to leave. Now I can’t find him.” He explained and removed his glasses. I noticed his black eye immediately.
“He hit you?”
“He did, seems he has a lot to hate me for.” He moaned.
“And whose fault is that?” I retorted.
He rolled his eyes and anxiously looked around my kitchen. “Do you know where he could be?” he asked. “I am worried about him?”
“Uh, worried about him? Where were you when he was fired for something that wasn’t his fault? Where were you when he had nowhere to go and has been living on numerous couches of friends? He was arrested last week; did you know that? He called me in the dead of night because he had no-one else. I bailed him out of jail, he had nowhere he could go, so I said he could stay here. He wouldn’t stay for nothing so did my garden and some painting.” I explained. “He now has a job and until yesterday we were happy.”
“You were happy. He is seven years younger than you, Jen. You can’t honestly tell me that there is more to this than sex.” He spat.
“Not everything is about sex.” I barked. “Cain told me he loved me and well, things developed.” I shrugged.
“Developed, right. Still, you didn’t have to take him to your bed though, did you?”
“No, maybe not, but I can now say I know what it is like to be loved, considering Cain is your son, he is nothing like you. In fact, I’d go as far as saying he is a thousand times better at being a man than you ever were.” I added smugly.
“Ouch!” he frowned. “So, did he say where he was going or anything like that?”
“He ordered a cab to the city and left.” I replied wondering if he was safe, if he was hurt.
“He could be anywhere.” He sighed.
I pulled my phone from my purse and dialled his number. His phone went to voicemail, so I left a message, “Cain, it’s Jenna, please call me as soon as you can.” I said and looked at Jake.
“Jenna?”
“That’s my name.” I shrugged and lifted my kettle to fill, I needed coffee.
“That would be like everyone calling me Jacob.” He smiled slightly.
“I am making coffee; would you like some?” I asked.
“I spoke to you like trash yesterday and today you are offering me coffee. Jen, you never cease to amaze me.”
“Obviously I did or else you would never have cheated on me in the first place.” I stated smartly.
“Well, I have to go out and look for my son. So, I don’t think I should, besides, I don’t deserve you even talking to me so…”
“You can have a cup of coffee, Jake. As much as I despise you, we do have one thing in common, we care about Cain.”
“Okay, I would love a cup of coffee.” He smiled slightly.
As I made coffee he explained how he had spoken to Cain’s friends and associates that he had accumulated over the years. He told me of the troubled life Cain had led during his late teens and how sad he was when Cain’s mother passed away. I had great pleasure in telling him about how well he had been doing in his new job working for the House’s CEO.
After a second cup, Jake said he had to leave. I walked him to the door as he put his number into my phone. He said to call him if I heard anything, for the sake of his son, I agreed.
“I will find him.” He stated.
“I am going to head to the office, maybe he has found somewhere to stay there.”
“He told me that you broke up with him because of me.” He frowned.
“I suppose I did. I just didn’t think that with his connection to you, we would work out, now of course, I realize that as long as you have each other, that’s all that matters. I never intended on falling for him, Jake, I swear that to you. But, I have, and it took letting him go to realize it. I just hope it’s not too late.”
“I wasn’t happy to hear it, I’ll admit that, but when I saw you two yesterday I realized you are not the girl who left me, and he is not a kid anymore. Anyone can see how happy he was with you and then I ruined it for you.” He sighed. “I am sorry, and I hope we can bring him back, for his sake, we can be amicable, right, Jen?”
“Right.” I nodded slightly, not convinced, but it was worth a try.
I tried his phone again and it went to voicemail once more. I began to panic, what if he was hurt, lying in a hospital somewhere? I just didn’t know what to do or where to look. I drove back to town and headed to his grandfather’s in the hope that he had turned up there.
I knocked on the door, Jake opened it and my heart hardened once more.
“You didn’t find him then?.”
“No,” I replied, “I’m sorry.”
“Jenna.” Cain’s grandfather announced from behind Jake. “Please, come in.” Jake stood back so that I could enter.
“Has he tried to call you?” Jake asked.
“No.” I frowned. “I think I may never hear from him again.” I added sadly.
“Susan is making fresh coffee.” Mr Macalister Sr said. “Let’s have a cup and put our heads together.” He suggested. I silently followed them through the huge hall to the kitchen.
“Hello again, Jenna.” Susan chimed.
“Hello.” I smiled slightly.
“You didn’t get to meet my girlfriend yesterday.” Jake said. “Sweetie,” he held out his hand to a younger woman with a tiny waist, long, silky, brown hair and a spray of freckles over her tiny, perfect nose. “This is Porsche.” He smiled taking her hand. “This is my um, well, this is Jen, she is Cain’s girlfriend.” He explained awkwardly.
She flashed a fake smile and looked me up and down. “Didn’t you date a Jen once?” she queried. “Oh, my God! Your ex is dating your son?” she laughed. “That’s creepy and hilarious.”
“Still dating high school girls then, Jake.” I sniped.