Keep Tahoe Blue

by Nicole Pyland

  “I’m sorry. I guess I’m in a bad mood.” Reese began setting up the tent. “It’s not about you.”

  “Really? Because it kind of seems like it is.” Kellan set aside her water bottle and kneeled to help. “Did I do something?”

  “No, Kell. You haven’t done anything. Honestly, I probably should have just canceled today. I’ve been in a mood since last night.”

  “I know. I was there.”

  “Can we get this thing put up and get settled in first?” she asked. “Then, we can talk about it.”

  “I’m not sure what we’re talking about, but okay. If that’s what you want, it’s fine.” Kellan stood.

  They worked silently for the next few minutes until they had their tent set up and had moved their things inside. It was already chilly, with the sun setting. They rolled out their sleeping bags, which would protect them from the elements tonight. While Reese continued to set up inside the tent, Kellan moved outside to get a small fire going. When Reese was done, she went outside to the bear container to unlock it. She removed what they’d need for dinner and locked it back up so bears wouldn’t get to it. She handed the cooking gear to Kellan and opened the can of chili they’d brought while Kellan got the stove set up. They worked together again, in silence, to prepare their dinner. Once complete, they ate it in similar silence while listening to nature around them.

  It had been an awkward day, at most, because of Reese’s inability to shake her bad mood off. Kellan had been there to take it and deal with her as she’d walked for miles in silence and then complained about one of the trails being overgrown before she went on a ten-minute tirade about Remy not cleaning up the kitchen from her seven-layer dip. Kellan had listened and offered agreement when necessary. She’d swept brush back on the trail so Reese wouldn’t have to deal with it, and she’d allowed Reese the space she needed to deal with whatever was going on with her.

  After finishing their dinner, using the facilities, and locking up everything back in the container, Kellan had put out the fire. They both climbed into their sleeping bags. It was early. Reese knew Kellan had planned this day and night for them to be special. She’d managed to ruin it. She also knew Kellan was waiting for her to talk to her about something. But Reese wasn’t ready to talk. She was more than exhausted from the day and the fact that she’d gotten only a couple of hours of sleep the night before. She wasn’t sure she was up to an important chat with Kellan.

  “Hey, I’m pretty tired. Is it okay if we turn in early?” she asked.

  “Oh. Yeah, okay,” Kellan replied.

  Reese sat up and pulled off the long-sleeved shirt she’d had on, leaving her in her tank top and sports bra.

  “Thanks,” she returned.

  “Reese, when did you get that?” Kellan slid closer to her and put her hand on her upper forearm.

  “When did I get what?”

  “That gash.” Kellan reached for the lantern they’d brought. She pulled it closer to Reese’s upper arm and held it close. “You have a cut here.”

  “I guess I didn’t notice.”

  “Reese, it’s been bleeding.” Kellan placed the lantern down and reached for the shirt Reese had taken off. “There’s blood on this. You didn’t feel it?”

  “Must be the cold or something, but no.”

  “Babe, stay here. I’ll be right back.” Kellan slid out of her sleeping bag, unzipped the tent, and was gone for several minutes.

  “It’s not that big of a deal, Kell. It’s already starting to dry up,” Reese said when Kellan reappeared with a small first aid kit.

  “It still needs to be disinfected.” Kellan knelt in front of her and began the process of cleaning the two-inch-long cut carefully and gently before she applied an antiseptic gel and covered it with a bandage. “I’ll change this in the morning. It’s starting to close. I don’t think you’ll need stitches. So, that’s good news.”

  “It’s fine,” Reese told her as Kellan finished packing up the trash and the kit.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  She left again and returned moments later sans the kit and the trash.

  “You ready for bed?” Reese asked the moment Kellan had zipped up the sleeping bag.

  “Was today too much?” Kellan asked as she peeled off her own layers and left herself in a tank top. “Did I make you do something you weren’t ready for?”

  “Kellan, I told you. You haven’t done anything.”

  “But you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong with you?” She slid into her sleeping bag. “I was kind of hoping we’d share one of these tonight, but I take it you’ll be using your own.” She pointed to Reese’s sleeping bag.

  “I’ll be fine tomorrow. I’m just having an off day. I need some sleep more than anything.”

  “Okay. Get some sleep. I don’t know that I can just yet, so I’ll put in my headphones and listen to music or something.” She reached inside her bag and pulled out her phone.

  Reese watched as she unfurled her headphones and put them in her ears before lying back to zip her sleeping bag up to her shoulders. Reese made herself comfortable in her own bag. Then, she stared up at the tent ceiling. Kellan dimmed the lantern but left enough light for them to see by. Reese watched the light flicker around them. Of all the things she could be thinking about, she found her mind going back to that damn box in her closet.

  It was true that Remy’s comment had upset her, but it was running into that box that really put her over the edge. Actually, that wasn’t right. It was the phone call from her doctor on Friday after her talk with Morgan that had started her mood. She’d been able to hold it back for most of the day and during the game night. Remy’s comment had brought it back to the forefront of her thoughts. Seeing that box in her closet only made it worse.

  She turned her head to the side to see Kellan staring at the same flickering light while listening to headphones. Based on the tension in her jaw and the straight line of her lips, Reese knew she’d dug herself a massive hole she needed to find a way out of. She turned on her side to face Kellan, which caused Kellan to turn her head.

  “Reese, don’t lie on your shoulder like that. You’ll open up the cut,” she instructed and removed her headphones.

  “Oh, right.” Reese closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again. “Can we talk?”

  “I thought you wanted to sleep.” Kellan stopped the music and put her phone aside.

  “I want to explain something to you. It’s something I’ve never told anyone,” Reese replied.

  “Okay.” Kellan rolled on her side to face her. “Can I ask what made you change your mind? A few minutes ago, you didn’t want to tell me anything.”

  “Actually, I want to tell you everything. That’s what scares me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Remy is the only person in the world that knows everything about me, and that’s because she’s my sister,” she began. “My parents knew, but they’re not around anymore. I’ve never told any of my friends. I’ve never told any girlfriend either.”

  “Morgan?”

  “No,” Reese answered. “That’s why I’m scared. I’ve known Morgan most of my life. We were together for three years.” She hesitated. “There were moments I thought about telling her out of necessity, but that’s not how I wanted to tell her. There were moments where I really wanted her to know because I thought it might help her understand a whole other part of me. But I’d think about how it might make things change between us or that she might treat me differently, and I wouldn’t say anything.”

  “Reese, you’re kind of scaring me here.” Kellan did look worried, and Reese placed a hand on her cheek. “You’re freezing. Put your hands inside your sleeping bag, babe,” Kellan insisted after placing her own hand on top of Reese’s.

  “That’s what I need to talk to you about, Kell.” She removed her hand and did as Kellan asked. “But first, I want you to know why I’m telling you before I tell you.”

  “If you’re
trying to make me less worried, you’re not.”

  “I know. I’m sorry,” she replied. “I don’t exactly know how to do this because I’ve never done this before.”

  “Reese, are you sick?” Kellan’s eyes welled up with tears. “Do you have something–” She stopped herself. “Is that why you wanted to wait?”

  “Oh, Kellan, no,” Reese answered a little louder than she’d planned. “I don’t have anything like that.”

  “But you do have something?”

  “I want you to know, Kellan. I want you to know because I want us to be together. I can see it. I can see you and me going on trips like this when we’re forty or fifty. I can see us waking up together and me making you coffee, you coming home from work, and us talking about our days. I’ve never had that before. You’re the first person I’ve been able to see it with. That’s scary because you leave in a week. We still have to figure out what we’ll do after that. It’s extra scary because if you’re that person for me, Kellan, you need to know.” Reese hesitated. “And before you say anything to me – whether it be that I’m that person for you, or that you don’t know what we are to one another, or you still need time to see if I can be that person – I want you to know because I’m in love with you.” She let out a deep breath. “I’m in love with you, and I want you to know every part of me.”

  “Reese–”

  “I have congenital analgesia, Kellan,” she interrupted Kellan before she could say anything else.

  She didn’t want Kellan to tell her she wasn’t in love with her yet, but that she cared about her, liked her a lot, or one of those other cliché phrases people used when they were trying to make someone feel better about not being on the same page when it came to those three words. She loved Kellan Cobb. If Kellan wasn’t there yet, that was okay, but Reese needed to let her know what she’d be signing up for if this relationship got to the point where they were both saying those words to one another and taking the rest of those all-important relationship steps.

  “I don’t know what that is,” Kellan stated in a concerned tone with matching expression.

  “It means I don’t feel pain,” Reese explained. “It’s also called congenital insensitivity to pain. It means I don’t have the ability to perceive physical pain. I can feel the difference between hot and cold or sharp versus dull, but I can’t tell when I’m freezing.”

  “Like that night,” Kellan realized. “And your shoulder tonight.”

  “Yes. It can cause a lot of problems because when I get hurt, I don’t feel it. I don’t take the steps needed to heal properly. Like with my fall on that hike; I didn’t know my ankle was that bad. I ran into a desk at school around the time you got here, actually, and I didn’t feel it. Remy was the one that noticed the bruise when it had formed and made me go to the doctor.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “It was just a bruise, but it could have been worse. Wounds, bruises, broken bones, and other things have gone undetected before. I ended up in the hospital a few times because I didn’t know there was something wrong and it got worse.” She paused. “Remy doesn’t have it. It’s just me. When my parents were around, they’d call me every day just to make sure I was okay. My mom would make me do a body check.” She laughed. “I’d have to stand in front of a mirror, growing up, before I got into the shower, just to make sure I hadn’t done something to myself. Remy puts these little rubber bumper things they make for kids on all the sharp, pointy things in the house. If she could, she’d have me in a bubble.”

  “I saw that box in your closet. Why are they all in there if they should be around the house?”

  “Because I remove them whenever we expect company,” Reese answered. “I haven’t always had them around. When I lived there by myself, I didn’t. Remy has used them since she moved back in. I mostly tolerate them.”

  “But they’re there to make you safe?” Kellan asked.

  “They are, yes. But they’re also really hard to explain to people since there are currently no toddlers living at our house. None of our friends know, Kell; only a few doctors, Remy, and myself. My parents never told my teachers because they didn’t want them to treat me differently. They were doing enough of that themselves at home. They told them I was accident prone and they should keep an eye on me. It didn’t hurt that I actually was accident prone as a kid because I loved sports and the outdoors.”

  “What does it mean for you? Beyond that you have to be careful and check to see if you have injuries?”

  “It can mean a shorter life expectancy, but that’s nothing I worry about.”

  “Wait. What?” Kellan sat up, and her bag unzipped itself as she did.

  “Kell, it’s okay. I’m fine. It’s because people don’t know there’s something wrong, so it’s more likely things get serious instead of healing.”

  “Like with your ankle?”

  “That was my fault. I should have known better. I was being stubborn.” She sat up and faced Kellan, allowing her own sleeping bag to unzip and fall to her waist. “I sometimes fight with the thing.”

  “Thing?”

  “I hate calling it a disease because it’s not. It’s a condition, but that sounds weird. I’m fine, and I feel fine. So, sometimes, when I do hurt myself, I get angry and try to fight it, which is stupid, and I shouldn’t do it. I’ve stopped, by the way. The infection was the incident that made me realize how dumb I was being.” She paused. “I lost my parents because of it.”

  “Reese, I’m sorry.” Kellan ran her hand up Reese’s arm and covered the gash with it. “So, you don’t feel this at all?”

  “No.”

  “And when you were so cold on the island, you didn’t feel it either?”

  “I felt cold, but I didn’t know I was that cold. It’s kind of hard to explain. Right now, I feel the cold, but I also know it’s supposed to be cold because we’re outside at night in the mountains, and it’s autumn. I use things like that to help.”

  “Like cues?”

  “Yes. Once, Remy and I were working in the backyard with mom, pruning her rose bushes. Earlier that day, Remy had cut herself on a thorn. I knew it was likely it would happen to me too. I kept checking my hands. I ended up with several cuts. My mom never let me help again. One winter, the heat went out in the house. It was the middle of the night, and everyone was asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to get some water. I knew it was cold, but not that it was freezing. Remy and I shared a room back then. When I went back to bed, she was completely covered from head to toe with her comforter. Remy usually slept with the blanket half off the bed, so it was weird. I don’t know if I was ever in danger of freezing that night, but when I slid back into bed, I did the same thing Remy did just in case.”

  “And when you hike, you have to pay extra attention.” Kellan lowered her hand from Reese’s arm.

  “Yes,” she said. “Kellan, I swear, I am careful, and it doesn’t interfere with my life too often. I visit my regular doctor every month, and I do pay attention to my body. I check it before or after the shower and make sure I didn’t miss anything. Remy is there to help, too. Technically, Ryan kind of knows, but I’ve never told him officially. Remy just told him I’m terribly klutzy. Honestly, he might just think it’s a weird joke between twins; I don’t know.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell Morgan?”

  “When Morgan and I were friends, I had my parents and Remy keeping tabs on me all the time. I hadn’t told any of my friends. It didn’t seem like a big deal. When we started dating, I was rebelling against it. I’d gotten so tired of everyone always asking me how I was or my mom staring at me when we’d be watching a movie just to make sure I didn’t have a cut or a bruise I didn’t know about. My mom never let me cook, growing up, because she was afraid I’d put my hand on a burner and wouldn’t notice. Remy doesn’t like me to cook too often either for the same reason. I’ve only burned myself twice, by the way, which is good for someone my age who has what I have.”

  “And
there’s no treatment?”

  “There are some experimental things that won’t cure it but can make it easier to sense pain. That’s why I was talking to that specialist the other day. Remy and my regular doctor set it up. There’s this drug called Naloxone that they’ve done some trials with. It works for some people. Remy wants me to try it, and the specialist said I might be a good fit, but there are tests to run first. There’s this hand-held injector thing that can be used outside a hospital. I’d inject myself with it in regular intervals for however long, and they’d check to see if there was any progress. Oh, and if I don’t want to inject myself repeatedly, I can always shoot the stuff up my nose with a nasal spray every few hours. Remy wants me to try it. I’m convinced it’s because she wants to move out of the house and in with Ryan, but she feels guilty about leaving me there alone. She talks a big game about loving him but not wanting certain things. I think she’s lying though. The specialist wants another guinea pig, and my own doctor sees this as an opportunity to learn more about the condition, I think. It’s rare. It’s a chance for them all to test their theories.”

  “You?” Kellan placed her hand on top of Reese’s.

  Reese wondered for a second if Kellan was attempting to gauge how cold she was, given the topic of their conversation and their location, but then Kellan’s eyes softened. Reese realized she was touching her because she wanted to be touching her.

  “What about me?”

  “What do you want, Reese? Do you want to participate in some trial?” she asked and linked their fingers. “Or do you want to keep doing what you’re doing now? Being careful, being smart, and having people who care about you check in every so often?” She smiled shyly.

  “Care about me?”

  Reese didn’t regret telling Kellan how she felt, but she gulped in preparation of Kellan’s response to her many revelations tonight. It was possible Kellan had strong feelings for her but didn’t want to take on a complicated situation like Reese’s.