Anathema

by Colleen Coble

  “And I hate it!” Unable to stop her voice from rising, she tugged the earrings from her ears. “I feel like a harlot most of the time. Like all you care about is my looks. If you loved me, you wouldn’t keep me cooped up in this apartment with no friends and nothing to do.”

  From the way his color rose, she knew she’d gone too far, but she couldn’t bite back the hot words that continued to spew. “You won’t even let me have a baby!” She picked up the pot of pasta and dumped it in the sink. She wished she had the nerve to throw the sauce on the floor, but then she ’d just have to clean it up herself.

  He grabbed her by the shoulders. “Get hold of yourself, Hannah. How dare you talk to me like that? I’m your husband. You promised to love and obey me.”

  Her rage evaporated as quickly as it had boiled. Yes, her duty was to love this man no matter what, but why did it have to be so hard? He shook her when she didn’t answer, and his face turned a more mottled red.

  He shoved her away from him. “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?”

  Her back hit the counter, and she reached behind herself to grab it so she didn’t fall. Her face flamed. “You shoved me.” Her voice shook. He ’d never lifted a finger to her.

  “I’ll do more than shove you if you don’t obey me.” The color drained from his face, and he advanced toward her.

  She cringed and lifted her hands in a protective move, but before she got them high enough, his hand lashed out and his palm smacked her cheek. Pain flared on her face, but shock stole her whimper. His gaze bored through her, and a muscle jumped in his cheek. She stared into the face she ’d kissed and caressed, into the warm brown eyes that held no trace of a smile or love. Did she even know him? Had she ever? The Reece she thought she knew never would have lifted a hand to her. His face crumpled then, and she caught a glimpse of her real husband.

  He reached toward her. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I did that.” He folded her into his arms and whispered in her hair. “Forgive me, Hannah. It won’t ever happen again.”

  Even as she mouthed the words, “I forgive you,” she wondered if life would ever be the same.

  five

  “The world will tell you to serve yourself first. But don’t listen,

  Hannah. Serve others and you’ll find true happiness.”

  PATRICIA SCHWARTZ

  How’d he ever let her talk him into coming up here? Reece eyed the Amish women strolling through the flea market with a gaggle of children following them. Seeing all the Amish here in Shipshewana was likely to make her discontented, and he ’d had enough of that to deal with over the past four years.

  “Isn’t this fun?” Hannah said, smiling up at him.

  When she smiled like that, all was right in his world, and he let his irritation drop. “Want some caramel corn?” When she nodded, he stopped at another vendor.

  The flea market at Ship held every Tuesday and Wednesday through the summer was famous all over Indiana and Michigan. The large space was packed with vendors hawking everything from purses to yard ornaments. He was bored already with the items. He’d rather look at guns or something.

  When he turned to hand Hannah her popcorn, he found her deep in conversation with an Amish woman. He’d die if she ever left him to go back to her people. His gut tightened until she turned back around with a huge smile.

  “There’s a big quilt display the next row over.” She grabbed her popcorn and lit out down the aisle without even waiting for him to say it was okay.

  He would never understand her obsession with quilts. Why did she never look at him with the same concentration she gave them? His thoughts were always of her first, and he ’d hoped for the same from her. He darted after her, intending to grab her arm and insist they go back to the car, but a man with a wagon got in his way, then three children darted in front of him. By the time he disentangled himself, she was nowhere in sight. He bit back a curse and stalked down the aisles. Nearly half an hour passed before he found her.

  She sat at a picnic table with her shoulders slumped and tears on her cheeks. When she saw him, she rose and brushed at her wet face. “They weren’t there.”

  “Would you just stop looking? The quilts will never show up.”

  She would never find her mother’s stolen quilts, but that wasn’t what concerned him. He hated catching that faraway expression on her face. Maybe she wished she’d never left her people, wished she ’d married the yodeling farm boy Noah. He couldn’t abide the thought.

  “What? They have to be somewhere, Reece.”

  “I forbid you to go looking anymore, Hannah.” He said it as sternly as he could with other people close by. She bit her lip, and her face took on the mulish expression he hated, but she just bowed her head and nodded. “Let’s go,” he told her. “We ’re done here. I want to get back to Wabash.”

  It had been a mistake to bring her here. She needed to forget the old life. Concentrate on him and being a good wife. After four years of training, he should have managed to eradicate the last traces of her defiance. She knew how her obsession bothered him, but she continued to search anyway. When the quilts were on her mind, he took second place.

  She followed him out to the truck. “Can we stop at Blue Gate Restaurant for lunch?” she asked when they got into the hot cab.

  He glanced at her bowed head. All he wanted was to get out of town before she stopped and talked to every Amish woman around. “Sure, honey. Just give me a smile first.” He waited until her head came up and her smile broke out, then drove to the restaurant. They joined the throng of people flooding into the place. It had been expanded to seat more than six hundred people, and the crowd annoyed him.

  He ate a whole jar of the peanut butter spread and asked for more while Hannah just picked at a piece of homemade bread. “I thought you wanted to eat here, but you’re hardly touching anything.”

  “My stomach is a little upset.”

  He caught the longing on her face when she engaged their Amish waitress, a young girl, in conversation. So much for learning something from the scolding. He shouldn’t have brought her in here. She needed to be as far from these people as possible. She ’d nagged him for years about finding an Amish community. Of all things, she wanted him to convert. He ’d nixed that idea quickly enough, but she wouldn’t let it rest.

  After the girl brought their meals, he bolted his down. “Let’s go.”

  She left her spoon in the half-eaten bowl of homemade chicken-noodle soup and followed him out to the truck. For the whole ride home, she drooped against the door and stared out the window. When the truck zoomed around a buggy, she tensed and stared at the occupants.

  “Riding in a buggy is different from riding in a vehicle,” she said.

  “Yeah, the truck’s faster.” The last thing he wanted was to talk about the Amish. He didn’t want her longing for her old life. He’d given up everything for her.

  “You’re not insulated in a buggy. You’re part of the community. We would call to friends out the open windows, smell the flowers, feel the breeze.”

  “Do you always have to disagree with me, Hannah?” His hands gripped the steering wheel. There wasn’t an ounce of gratitude in her. After all he ’d done for her, she still longed for her family. It wasn’t right.

  They drove in silence until the truck got out of Shipshewana. She fiddled with her seat belt, adjusting it across her stomach in a weird way he ’d never seen. He was about to tell her to quit it when she folded her hands in her lap and tipped her head to look at him.

  “Reece, I have something to tell you.”

  “What is it?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  His foot came up and jammed on the brakes. He steered the truck to the side of the road, and a car zipped around him, blaring its horn. The male occupant thrust out his middle finger and shouted something as he flew past. On another day, Reece might have gunned the truck after him and tailgated him, but he was too shaken to react.

  He
turned to stare her in the face. “What did you say?” Maybe he’d misheard. His pulse was thumping in his ears, and he could hardly draw in a lungful of air.

  She shrank away from him with her hand up for protection. “We ’re going to have a baby, Reece.” Her smile was too bright. “Don’t you think it’s time? We ’ve been married over four years.”

  “No, it’s not time. I’ll take you to a clinic for an abortion.” He clenched his fists but had the self-restraint not to hit her. Maybe it was an accident. If it wasn’t, she ’d have to be taught a lesson for her own good.

  “I’m not having an abortion.” Her chin jutted out. “I’m not, Reece. You can’t make me. I—I’ll leave you first.” Her voice trembled just a little.

  He couldn’t believe he was hearing those words from her mouth. “You think your family would take you back in? After leaving your husband? You know they won’t.”

  She grabbed his arm with both hands. “Don’t make me choose between you and the baby. You think I’ll ignore you for the baby, but I won’t, I promise. I love you.”

  “You’ve already chosen the brat over me.” He couldn’t believe it—couldn’t comprehend that she’d defy him so completely. The unfamiliar emotion shaking him was fear. Fear of losing her love, fear of their perfect life changing.

  She squeezed his hand. “No, I haven’t. I can balance things. Give me a chance, Reece. Give us a chance.”

  Staring into her pleading face, he weakened. Maybe she was right. She was too soft to do what had to be done. “Okay, but you have to have your priorities right. I’m the man of the house and I expect you to pay me the respect I deserve. Understood?”

  “Understood.” She threw her arms around him and rained kisses on his face.

  Which was just the way it should be.

  HANNAH YODELED A tune under her breath as she cut the thread on the last curtain panel. The baby’s room would be finished as soon as she hung the curtains. With difficulty, she rose from the chair and carried the panels from the sewing room into the small room off the hall. Everything was in place. The tiny sleepers and Onesies lay folded in the dresser drawers, and she’d finished the last pair of knitted booties. The hand-stitched quilt she’d made lay folded at the foot of the crib. Soon her little one would be safe in her arms.

  The sunlight streaming through the window lit the yellow walls with even more color. A crib mobile swung in the breeze above the bed. It was all perfect, or rather, it would be in two weeks when the baby arrived. Hannah put her hand on her swollen belly and felt the child kick against her hand. “Soon, little one.”

  Reece had chosen for them not to learn the baby’s gender, but she felt in her heart it was a girl. Her smile faded. She’d never imagined marriage could be like walking through a field of buried explosives. Reece had a lot of pain inside, pain she ’d failed to soothe. If inflicting pain on her soothed his, maybe it was her lot in life. A lot she deserved, after what she ’d done.

  Moving carefully, she climbed onto a chair and hung the curtains. The soft color looked perfect against the walls. It was only when she glanced at her watch that she caught her breath. It was nearly six, and she hadn’t even started dinner. Reece would be furious. As if on cue, his whistle sounded on the stairs outside the apartment door, and she heard Reece call her name. She should have had dinner ready. He was always angrier when he was hungry.

  Holding the back of the chair, she managed to get down in one piece. She knew she looked as big as a beached whale. Reece hated her cumbersome size. A sharp cramp struck, and she bit back a groan so he wouldn’t hear. He hated complainers. Could this be labor?

  He pounded on the door. “Hannah, I forgot my key.”

  When had dread replaced delight at his appearance? After that first slap, she’d been sure there would be no more. He was always so sorry, but not sorry enough to keep his fists to himself. Her mother would have said she ’d made her own bed. And she had. But she ’d never expected that bed to be so full of nails. There was no going back. At least he ’d let her get her GED the first year, and now, after five years of marriage, she would soon have her college degree as well. He was a good man at heart.

  The baby would make everything better. They’d be a real family. Maybe Reece ’s obsession with her would ease. She would have joy in her life that eclipsed the heartache. The baby would change everything. It was her only hope.

  “I’m coming,” she gasped out, still in the grip of the contraction. The strength of it surprised her. Maybe this was the real thing. She managed to get to the door and fumble with the dead bolt. It was always a little stiff. She threw open the door to see him stalking away in his police uniform.

  She rushed after him to stand at the top of the wide staircase down to the street. “I’m here, Reece.”

  He turned around and mounted the steps again. He kissed her, and she clung to him as another contraction took her. Breathe, don’t let him see yet. She couldn’t explain her panic. Reece would take care of her. He was a take-charge kind of guy. He ’d get her suitcase and make sure she got through this.

  He nuzzled her neck. “I’m starved. What did my little wife fix me?” He raised his head. “I don’t smell anything cooking. Dinner isn’t even started, is it?” Disapproval dripped from his words.

  “I—I think I’m in labor,” she gasped as another contraction hit. She grabbed the top of the banister for support.

  “Don’t make excuses. The baby isn’t due for another two weeks. You were too busy playing in the baby’s room to think about me, weren’t you? I’m disappointed in you, Hannah.”

  “No, really, Reece. Here. Feel. I think it’s really labor.” She tried to put his hand on her belly, but he jerked away. Fear battered at her, but she tried to stifle it. He wouldn’t hurt her when she was pregnant.

  “Is this how it’s going to be when the baby comes? You all wrapped up in the kid and never paying me any attention?” His eyes glittered, and he grabbed her arm. His fingers pressed into her flesh.

  She managed not to wince. “No, of course not.” She knew the expression on his face. If she had somewhere to go, she ’d leave here and never look back. Her anger simmered, but she had to keep it from boiling over. If she lost control, her punishment would be greater. She should soothe and placate him, but she didn’t have the energy. “You’re hurting me, Reece.”

  He dropped his hand, and the flare in his eyes banked to a dim glow. He raked his hand through his hair. “Hannah, you always know how to push my buttons. If you’d honor me like you should, this wouldn’t happen. It’s my duty to train you up properly, but you make the job harder than it should be.”

  Even though she knew he was only manipulating her, she dropped her head. It was true she ’d forgotten him today. Some days she wished she could forget him forever. Tears blurred her vision.

  His hand reached out again and caressed her bare arm. He backed her against the wall. His head came down, and he nuzzled her neck again. His touch made bile rise in her throat, and she escaped his grip instead of raising her face for his kiss. She knew it was a mistake when she saw the manic anger blaze into his eyes.

  He stepped toward her, but he didn’t touch her. “I told you right from the start that I wasn’t father material. I want a wife, not a nursemaid. A lover, not a nanny. When that kid comes, we ’re not keeping it.”

  Too late she realized he blamed the baby for her brief flash of defiance. She couldn’t let him take her baby. “It won’t happen again, Reece. Really. I’m so sorry,” she babbled.

  Love and anger vied for control of his face. She backed up until she stood at the edge of the stairs. She should have watched her tongue. She lifted her face to him. He could hit her there and not hurt the baby.

  Mottled red had crept up his face. “I should have seen that rebellious streak in you. I’m your husband, Hannah. I know what’s best, but you never seem to listen.”

  “I know you do.” She put her hand up to cup his face. She forced herself to smile. “I’ve go
t steaks out for dinner. I’ll have them ready in fifteen minutes.”

  His hands gripped her shoulders. “You promised me you wouldn’t put the baby ahead of me, but you’re already doing it.”

  She wrenched away from his painful grip. “I’m not, Reece! You’re the most important person in my life.” Too late, she realized she teetered on the top step. Hannah’s arms pinwheeled out as she struggled to catch the banister, but the staircase was too wide.

  His hands rushed out toward her, but she lost the fight to regain her balance. His hand struck her shoulder, then she was tumbling down the steps. She thought to protect the baby, and she tried to curl into a ball. Her head slammed against the railing, and she saw colors as brilliant as fireworks. Everything rushed by in a blur, the rails and the carpet alternating in her view.

  Protecting her stomach proved impossible. At least she and the baby would be together. In seconds she lay in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. Reece ’s footsteps rushed toward her, and she tried to scoot away. A vise of pain gripped her stomach, and her vision faded to black. Reece cried out her name in an anguished voice. Something warm trickled between her legs, then the pain blotted out the world.

  THE MACHINES BEEPED in the hospital room. Reece sat in the chair beside Hannah’s bed. His gaze went to the monitors, and he put his head in his hands. She couldn’t die. He ’d be lost if she died.

  She stirred, and he looked but her eyes didn’t open. Her hand swept across her stomach, then settled there. A grimace twisted her lips, and he was sorry for the pain she would experience. It might be hard for a while, but she ’d come to realize it was better this had happened. His gaze touched her face. Hannah’s long lashes lay on her cheeks. Even pale from the trauma, she was so beautiful. Her tawny hair spread out over the pillow. He loved to plunge his face into her long locks. They were so like his real mother’s, the only happy memory of his childhood. He laid his hand on her forehead and smoothed her hair. It was time for her to wake up. “Hannah,” he said in a firm voice. “Wake up.”