by Maya Banks
lips to hers. He licked syrup from her lips in a light brush that sent a spark shooting through her veins.
Her body wanted him. Now her mind just had to follow suit. Her heart was in accord with her body. Now she just had to get her damn brain to stop freaking the fuck out every time things got heavy.
God, maybe she did need to see a shrink. She’d never even entertained the thought. She’d never had a solid reason to want to try and deal with her issues. But Jensen gave her that reason. He gave her hope. He gave her many things she’d never thought she’d have or even want to have.
“What did you mean when you said, uhm, that if we made love that I would be in control?” she asked hesitantly.
He stroked her face again, pushing her hair back as he stared into her eyes. “It means that if we decide to take that step that I will willingly put myself in a vulnerable position so you feel absolutely safe. Whatever that takes. But baby, it doesn’t have to be now. It doesn’t have to be soon. It will be whenever you’re ready for it to happen. I don’t want you to ever be pressured to offer me something you’re not ready to give. We have all the time in the world.”
“You’d wait that long?”
She tried to keep the doubt from her voice, but knew she failed miserably. Still, he didn’t look offended or angry at her skepticism. If anything his look grew even more tender.
“For the right woman, I’d wait forever.”
It came out as a solemn vow. There was absolutely no doubt in his voice and his conviction was unwavering.
She shook her head in wonder. “I don’t get it. I really don’t. I was so bitchy toward you. How could you possibly even like me?”
He smiled and placed his hand over her heart. “Because I could see through the prickly, protective barriers to the woman in here, and I liked what I saw. You didn’t fool me for a minute, baby. Maybe others are more easily fooled or perhaps they can’t be bothered to look beyond the exterior. That’s not who I am, though.”
“I like you,” she admitted. “A lot, actually. And I know you don’t think I trust you, but I do. I can’t even explain it to myself. But I feel safe with you. I tell you things I don’t tell other people.”
His smile broadened. “I’m very glad you feel safe with me, baby, because you are. Always. Absolutely. I will do anything and everything in my power to always keep you safe. Not just physically but emotionally as well. And I’m humbled by the fact that you’ve given me your trust. It’s a gift I don’t take lightly. I’ll do my best to ensure you never regret giving me that very precious gift.”
She sighed and leaned back, her gaze still on him. She was absorbed in him. How quickly he’d become her security blanket. How easily she found herself sharing things with him she’d never share with anyone else.
“I missed you while you were gone,” she admitted. “I was counting the hours and minutes until you got back. I wouldn’t let myself sleep after that first night. I was too afraid because I knew I’d have nightmares and you weren’t there. I didn’t feel safe.”
He picked up the tray and placed it on the floor on his side of the bed. Then he turned back to her and pulled her down into his arms until she was nestled against his side, her head resting on his shoulder.
“I should have never left you,” he said in a low voice. “I’m sorry I let you down, baby. It won’t happen again because from now on you come first. And I missed you too. I wrapped up things early so I could hurry home to you. I’ve never had anyone to come home to. It was a nice feeling. And then when I saw you, my heart nearly stopped. You scared me.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know I can be difficult. I don’t want to be. I want to be better, Jensen. I can be with you. I feel it. For the first time, I feel like it will be okay. That I don’t have to continue living like I have for so long. It’s kind of scary and yet exciting all at the same time. I don’t react to change very well as you’ve probably noticed.”
“We’re two peas in a pod, you and I,” Jensen said. “We’re more alike than you think. I understand you better than you think and in time you’ll understand me as well.”
“I want to,” she said honestly.
She turned her head up so she could see him.
“You said once that you had demons too. Will you tell me about them sometime?”
He picked up her hand and brought her fingertips to his lips. “One day, yes. But not right now. I don’t want anything to ruin right here and right now. You in my arms. Us just being. That’s a conversation for another day and time.”
She let it go because if he shared then she’d have to share as well and she was no more eager to ruin the moment than he was. She nestled back into his arms and let out a sleepy yawn.
He stroked a hand over her hair, further lulling her to sleep.
“Get some rest, baby,” he said. “You have a lot of sleep to catch up on. I’ll wake you for a late lunch and then you can stay up until bedtime tonight. We’ll stay in for dinner. Watch a movie. Whatever you want. But for now rest and know you’re safe.”
“I could fall in love with you so easily, Jensen,” she said in barely above a whisper. “That scares me. I’ve never allowed anyone to be in a position to hurt me. I’m not sure I like it at all.”
He kissed the top of her head. “That’s what establishing trust is all about. When you learn to trust in me fully, then the idea of loving me won’t scare you so badly because then you’ll know that I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
FOURTEEN
KYLIE watched as Jensen dressed for work Monday morning, indecision wracking her. This was a huge step in this trust thing she was working so hard at. The rest of last week and the weekend had been . . . beautiful. The best four days of her life. And she didn’t say that lightly, though God knew it wouldn’t take much to top her life up until now. Not that she was taking anything away from Jensen by acknowledging that, but she had to admit, she’d lived a pretty sterile existence up to now. Going through the motions but not taking risks and not really . . . living.
There had been no freak outs, no meltdowns, nothing even resembling her epic meltdown on their first date. But then Jensen hadn’t pressured her. He hadn’t made any kind of move on her. Their interactions had consisted of a few affectionate kisses, hardly the passionate, breath-stealing kind. Lots of snuggling and hugging.
She liked the hugs the best. It sounded silly, but her life had been devoid of true affection. Sure, her girlfriends were touchyfeely with her but that had never extended to a man. Even Tate and Dash always treated her very gingerly, never crossing the boundaries, ever mindful of her “issues.”
And most notably, since Jensen had brought her here, to his home, and they slept together each night, her nightmares had eased. Just peaceful, dreamless sleep, safe in his arms. That told her more than anything that she belonged with him. Maybe it made him her security blanket, and while the idea of depending on anyone else in the past may have freaked her out, she found with him it didn’t bother her. She’d achieved something far more precious than anything else during the last several days together. She’d achieved what she’d never allowed herself to hope for. Peace.
This morning she’d awakened, fully prepared to accompany Jensen into work, only he’d shut her down cold. And he couldn’t be swayed. Dash would be back in the office today. She knew the two men had talked the previous evening and had set up a meeting to discuss several matters. One of which concerned Kylie. She knew that much.
She wasn’t sure how she felt about being shut out. Not going to work. Not being there when she was being discussed. But Jensen had asked her to trust him in this. To remain at his home and be there when he returned from work. It was important to him and after all he’d put up with from her, it seemed a reasonable request.
She just wished she weren’t so anxious and worried over what the two men would be discussing. But Jensen had promised to fill her in and leave nothing out when he returned from work. He wanted them to venture o
ut tonight. Have dinner out. Go on a real date outside their homes. It was a test, she was sure, one she felt capable of passing without issue. But then who really knew what the hell her brain would do at any given time. She’d learned to trust Jensen perhaps, but she didn’t fully trust herself. Not yet.
Jensen finished cinching his tie and then turned to where she was still lying in bed, wearing the pajamas they’d gone to her house to collect, along with her other clothing. At least two weeks’ worth by her estimate. He’d told her to pack enough to stay awhile. It would appear he had no intention of allowing her out of his sight anytime soon. A fact that strangely didn’t fire panic on all cylinders in her. Maybe she really was getting the hang of this whole trust thing.
He came to the bed and sat down on the edge, taking her hand and pulling her into his embrace. He kissed the top of her head and then framed her face as he’d done so many times before. She’d come to identify this as an affectionate gesture, one he seemed to favor, especially when he was being serious or tender.
“I know I’m asking a lot,” he said seriously. “And I know this requires a lot of trust on your part. But trust me to handle things with Dash today. There’s a lot I have to fill him in on, and the fact is, you still need to rest. You worked yourself into the ground last week and you still have dark circles under your eyes, though you’re certainly starting to look a hell of a lot better than when I found you in your office.”
“Gee, thanks,” she said dryly. “I’m now a step above death warmed over. I feel so much better now.”
“Cheeky wench,” he said with no heat. “There’s a lot I need to catch Dash up on and I’d rather to do it when we’re alone. That’s no reflection on you. I’ve promised to protect you and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Trust me in this, baby. Okay? I’ll fill you in tonight and I won’t leave a word out. I promise. Today I want you to spend resting, being lazy, doing absolutely nothing. Maybe catch up with Chessy and Joss since I’m sure Chessy has filled her ears full of everything that happened while she was away on her honeymoon. I’m sure they’ll both be coming at you, so prepare yourself for that. I know I haven’t known your girls for a long time, but I know they can be ferocious when it comes to you, just as you’re fiercely protective of them. So I imagine while I’m tied up with Dash, they’re going to double-team you and interrogate you about me.”
He said the last with an arrogant grin as if he had every confidence that everything she would say about him would be good. And hell, it would. He was right about that much. She just wasn’t sure how much she wanted to share, even with her closest girlfriends. Some things were meant to be kept private. To savor and hold secret just for a little while.
“Will it make Dash angry, the decisions you made while he was gone?” she asked nervously. “I don’t want you to jeopardize your business relationship with him. Especially over me.”
He put a finger to her lips to shush her. Then he followed his fingers with his lips, lightly kissing her. “You let me handle Dash. He’s a reasonable guy or I wouldn’t be in business with him. I’m going to lay it all out to him and he’ll agree with my assessment of your capabilities. I have no doubt about that. You’ll get that raise, baby. I can guarantee it. And a promotion will be likely as well. And it won’t be because I’m giving you anything. Our relationship has nothing to do with your abilities. You’ve earned what you’ve got coming. Never doubt that. Business is business. What’s between you and me is strictly personal and doesn’t interfere with work. I don’t make emotional decisions when it comes to business.”
Feeling oddly comforted by that statement, she nodded her agreement.
“If you do go out, text me and let me know, okay? This isn’t me being overbearing or monitoring your comings and goings. I’d just like to know if you’re okay, and if you need me for anything at all, I will not be pleased if you don’t call me immediately. Got it?”
She smiled, absurdly pleased over his concern. “Got it.”
He kissed her again and then stood, a regretful expression on his face. “I hate to leave you. The last several days have been nice. Unfortunately it’s back to the real world. But I’ll be home at my usual time today. If I’m running late for any reason I’ll call so you know when to expect me. Dress casual for dinner. We’ll go someplace comfortable.”
“That sounds nice,” she said softly. “I’ll look forward to it.”
He cupped her cheek, giving her one last caress, and then he was gone, leaving her bereft of his presence.
The house was too quiet, silent in fact. She’d grown accustomed to his presence. They’d spent every minute of the last four days together. They’d slept together in his bed, her in her pajamas and him in boxers and a T-shirt. He’d been super careful not to in any way make it seem like he was pressuring her for anything at all. It only endeared him to her all the more.
She’d told him she could see herself falling in love with him, but she was afraid she was already more than halfway there. Or maybe she already was. She struggled with the idea of separating genuine love with dependence. Or perhaps one was simply a by-product of the other. Who the hell knew? She’d never been in love before. Had no idea what it felt like.
But if it meant being utterly content and happy in his presence and preferring his company to anyone else’s, then yeah, she was definitely in love. Her fucked-up mind was the only obstacle she still had to overcome. It was simply too used to stepping in and overriding all her decisions. It had been in self-preservation mode for so many years that it knew no other way to be.
Maybe she should reach out to Chessy and Joss and not wait until they tracked her down. It would be a positive step in the right direction. To actually share a part of herself she usually reserved, even around her best friends.
This could be part of the “new her.” Being more open. Open up and share as much as Chessy and Joss had shared with her.
Liking the idea, but more than a little nervous about actually going through with it, she got out of bed and went for her phone. Maybe a text to both of them. Set up lunch? It was a sad testament to just how inexperienced she was with taking the initiative that it took her five minutes to compose the text and another five to work up the nerve to actually send it.
Not wanting to sit there glued to her phone, she opted to shower, just in case they did take her up on her offer of getting together for lunch. At least she’d be ready to go. And well, if they were otherwise occupied, she’d get out and maybe do some grocery shopping. She and Jensen were eating out tonight, but he’d made it clear he had no intention of her going back to her house anytime soon.
She hadn’t really put a timeline on her staying with him. The last four days had been too comfortable and she was reluctant to pull back and potentially destroy the progress they’d made. The progress she had made.
She could cook dinner for them tomorrow night. If he didn’t allow her to go into work the next day she could have it ready for him when he got home. And if she did go to work, she could always cook for him when they both got home.
How easily she’d given over so much control to Jensen, she mused as she got into the shower. More surprising was the fact she wasn’t freaking out or melting down. Maybe she was making progress.
Their relationship, however tenuous, had strengthened over the past days. No, they hadn’t even come close to true intimacy. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Just because they hadn’t had sex didn’t mean there wasn’t decided intimacy in their relationship. Perhaps more so than if they had made love.
His statement of her being in absolute control intrigued her. It wasn’t something that had ever occurred to her and she was curious as to whether it would make her feel less panicky, or perhaps she could prevent the inevitable meltdown if she had complete control of the situation.
She still wasn’t sure of how it would work exactly, but she planned to work up the courage to broach the subject with Jensen. Soon. Because she wanted to take that next step. She wanted it badly. Bu
t she didn’t want a repeat of their last experience. One humiliating meltdown was enough. Another wouldn’t likely endear her to him. At some point his patience would wear thin. And the last thing she wanted was to be a tease. Get him hopeful and worked up only to yank the rug out from under him. Or herself for that matter.
Maybe Chessy and Joss could give her some advice. That would certainly be something new. Her asking them for advice when it came to men and sex. They might never get over the shock of it!
When she got out of the shower, she had responses from both women. Lux Café. Noon. She smiled at their willingness to drop everything for her. Not that she ever doubted such a thing, but it wasn’t usually her sounding the alarm. They’d likely be rabid with curiosity. She was sure Chessy had been on the phone with Joss the minute Joss was back in town.
No better way to set the record straight than to do it herself.
After puttering around Jensen’s house, exploring more, learning more about his personality, she dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and then sent Jensen a quick text, remembering his request for her to keep in touch with him about her comings and goings.
Having lunch with the girls. I’ll let you know when I get back home.
She faltered a bit as she hit Send, biting her lip in consternation. Perhaps she shouldn’t have referred to his house as “home.” But it was too late now.
Her phone chimed almost immediately with Jensen’s reply.
Have fun and be careful. Call me if you need me.
Her smile was a little—okay, a lot—ridiculous over his expression of concern. The command for her to call him if she needed him. It gave her a measure of reassurance she’d never experienced, the idea that he’d come the minute she needed him.
She climbed into her car, a bite of sadness hitting her, the same as it always did when she got inside the car her brother had given her for her twenty-first birthday. She missed him. He’d been her rock in so many ways. Life without him had been a huge adjustment. He’d always been there for her. Steady. Unwavering. He was the only other person who not only knew, but shared the horror of her childhood.
When she arrived at the Café, predictably Chessy was already there and Joss was late. They teased her mercilessly about always being late. But neither of her friends ever minded waiting on her.
Joss was just a ray of sunshine and she brought warmth with her everywhere she went. There was no gentler and kinder a person to be found anywhere. Dash was very lucky she had such a forgiving nature, because he’d very nearly lost her over his stupidity.
“How are you?” Chessy asked in concern, her eyes crinkled as she studied Kylie. “You look . . . better.”
Kylie smiled. “I am. Let’s go sit and wait for Joss. Then I’ll tell y’all everything.”
Chessy’s brows rose in surprise. Usually they had to pry any information out of Kylie and she was usually reluctant to offer it. Not this time. Kylie was turning over a new leaf and it was starting now. Perhaps it had started the moment Jensen entered her life.
Five minutes later, Joss breathlessly hurried up to the table, sliding into the booth next to Chessy.
“Sorry, sorry!” Joss said. “I just lost track of time. Honeymoon brain, I’m afraid. I’m too used to doing nothing at all. I’ve become quite lazy over the last two weeks!”
Both women smiled at their friend. She was flushed with happiness, her eyes sparkling like twin diamonds.
“I guess we don’t have to ask how it went,” Kylie drawled.
Joss blushed to the roots of her hair and grinned mischievously. “It went . . . well.”
Chessy rolled her eyes. “Now why do I believe that’s a huge understatement?”
Joss turned her gaze on Kylie, her eyes bright with concern. “How are you, sweetie? Chessy told me what happened. Are you all right?”
Kylie nodded, suffering only a hint of embarrassment over the fact her friends had discussed her.
“I wanted to get y’all’s . . . advice,” Kylie said uncomfortably.
Joss and Chessy exchanged quick surprised looks but they were also obviously delighted with Kylie’s statement.
“It’s about Jensen,” she blurted before she lost her courage and clammed up.
Joss’s eyebrows shot up, but she couldn’t have been that surprised if Chessy had told her about Kylie’s epic meltdown and the fact that Jensen called her to come over. Or perhaps Chessy had glossed over the facts, waiting for Kylie to confide in Joss in her own time. She sent her a friend a look of gratitude and Chessy smiled warmly back as if to say, “Hey, I got your back.”
“We’ve sort of become . . . involved,” Kylie said lamely. “In a good way, I mean.”
“That’s wonderful, Kylie!” Joss exclaimed. “You have to catch me up on all the details. Are you happy? Do you like him?”
Kylie sighed. “It’s complicated. Really complicated. But I figured you two were in a position to give me some guidance here considering the lifestyle you both live.”
“Then you know Jensen is a Dominant,” Joss murmured.
Kylie nodded. “But here’s where it gets complicated. He swears that for me he’ll give up complete control. That he’ll deny that part of himself. For me. That when and if I’m ready to make love, I’ll have complete control because he doesn’t want me to ever be afraid of him.”
“Whoa,” Chessy breathed. “That’s pretty heavy. I mean wow. That’s huge, Kylie. Huge!”
Joss nodded her fervent agreement. “You have to understand just how big that is, Kylie. Men like him don’t just give up control. To anyone. I’d say that speaks volumes about the way he feels about you.”
Kylie was delighted to hear it. To have it confirmed. She’d suspected, yes, but she didn’t truly understand the enormity of his vow. These two women would. They were both committed to dominant men. Men they were submissive to.
“I freaked out pretty bad on our first official date,” Kylie said, though this was not news to Chessy. “All we were doing was kissing on the couch, but I just kind of shut down and then freaked completely out. Jensen was worried. I wanted him to leave and he finally did only because he worried he would do more damage by staying. But he called Chessy to come over because he refused to leave me alone.”
“He sounds like the real deal,” Joss said softly. “He sounds like he cares a lot about you, sweetie.”
“I hope so,” Kylie murmured. “I care about him. I may even love him. I’m not sure yet. It’s all very confusing. He had to leave on a business trip right after our date and I didn’t sleep at all while he was gone. I don’t feel safe when he’s not there. And I hate that dependency. He came back a day early and I collapsed in the office. He brought me back to his house and has insisted on me staying ever since. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday.”
“So it looks like he’s only willing to suppress his alpha tendencies in a few areas,” Chessy observed, her eyes gleaming in amusement.
“I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I kind of like them. He’s arrogant and bossy but he’s so gentle with me. He makes me ache. He makes me want