I don’t want him touching me.
“Honestly, Michael, I am way too tired to even think about getting in the mood.” I gently brush him off me and edge my body away.
“Please yourself,” he says as he sits back and focuses on the film once again. The tension returns, and I pray that Sunday passes by quickly.
I just want to get to Monday morning so that I can go to work and get the hell out of here.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Wishful thinking
If I thought that being at work was going to give me a breather from Michael, I was sadly mistaken. He has somehow managed to convince Mr Collinson to allow him to work with Tyler and I on our joint project.
I could have screamed when Mr Collinson came to tell me the news. Instead of asking how the hell Michael managed to convince him, or how the hell I was supposed to bring Michael up to speed on everything, I just smiled. Fucking smiled. I have spent the whole day explaining the campaign to Michael, whilst Tyler has been sitting idly by because he needs me to work on the next part of the project with him. It has been a complete waste of a day as far as I am concerned.
“Can I take off?” Tyler asks even though it isn’t quite five o’clock yet.
“Sure,” I say with a sigh.
“Thanks, boss.” Tyler is up and out of here faster than a rocket. Can’t say that I blame him as it hasn’t exactly been easy to be in this room today. Sure, I have tried to act like my normal self, but even I can tell that I have been tense and awkward. Michael however has taken no notice and has had a smile plastered on his face all day long. He’s smug about landing this opportunity. It means that he can keep a close eye on me. It means that I can tell no one. Just another way for him to keep fucking tabs on me.
“Hey, guys,” Kim says poking her head round the door. “Do you fancy grabbing a quick drink before going home? I’ve had a shitter of a day and need to unwind.”
My eyes go to Michael as I know that if I answer then it will only piss him off.
“Sure, just a quick one though,” he replies, and I feel relief surge through me that I won’t have to go home alone with him just yet.
“Great, I’ll just grab my things and meet you by the exit.” Kim bounds away, and I start to pack away all of my paperwork.
“Lucy,” Michael says, placing his hand on mine. I flinch and then curse myself for being so jumpy. Michael notices and has a genuine look of hurt on his face. I find myself feeling guilty about my reaction.
My head is screwed.
I’m the one feeling bad when it should be him on his hands and knees grovelling for my forgiveness.
“We don’t have to go if you would rather just go home.”
“No,” I answer a little too quickly. “No, it’s fine, I would like to go for a drink and unwind.” Michael nods and releases my hand, allowing me to continue gathering my stuff together.
We both walk out of the project room a minute later and I go to my desk, putting all of the papers in my drawer. Michael takes my hand in his, entwining our fingers and leads the way to the exit.
When we meet Kim, she is all smiles and chatter as we make the short walk to Alan’s. I answer Kim when the need calls for it, but apart from that, I don’t say much.
As we enter the bistro, Michael leads us to a booth and I slide in, Kim sitting opposite me.
“What do you ladies want to drink?” Michael asks.
“A large red wine please,” Kim answers.
“A small white would be nice.”
“Be back in a sec,” Michael says before walking over to the bar counter.
“Are you okay, Luce?” Kim asks me, concern etched on her face. “You look a little pale.”
“I’m not sure if I’m coming down with something,” I lie.
“Maybe you should go home and get yourself to bed,” Kim suggests.
“No.” Once again I answer too quickly, and Kim picks up on it straight away.
“What’s really going on?” she asks after staring at me for a few seconds.
“Nothing.”
“Lucy, I know you, something is off.”
“I’m fine,” I answer quietly as I see Michael paying for the drinks and picking them up to bring over.
“No you’re not.”
“Just drop it, Kim,” I snap.
The last thing I want is for Michael to think that I am telling her anything. He comes walking over, his eyes zeroed in on me, and I force a smile on my face. Kim remains tight-lipped as Michael gives both of us our drinks and then slides in the booth next to me.
“So, how was your weekend?” I say to Kim, trying to make polite chit-chat.
“Um, it was good, once we left Jeremy’s parents. We went out with Cal on Saturday night, and then Sunday was spent recuperating from the hangover.” I feel a pang as she talks about going out with Cal. Normally I would have been there with them. All three of my closest friends going out without me doesn’t feel right.
“In fact, I tried calling you to see if you wanted to join us, but your phone just kept going to voicemail,” Kim continues.
“That would be my fault,” Michael pipes up before I can respond. “I’m afraid I kept Lucy chained to the bed all weekend.” Michael chuckles away to himself as I feel embarrassed by his comment.
“You two are like a pair of randy teenagers,” Kim exclaims with a smile on her face.
“What can I say, the honeymoon period is still very much alive,” Michael says, putting his arm around me and placing a kiss on my forehead.
“How do you keep it so fresh and exciting?”
“We have our ways,” Michael replies, his eyes locking with mine. I hear Kim say how sweet that is, and I plaster a smile on my face.
But inside, I’m dying.
I’ve never felt so helpless and uncertain.
I feel suffocated, alone, and afraid.
I’m not sure which is worse.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Good behaviour
“You have been so good this week,” Michael tells me, as if I am a child who has done as they have been told. “I guess my punishment last weekend worked a treat, huh?”
“I guess,” I reply flatly.
“Well, as a treat, why don’t we invite Kim and Jeremy round here for dinner tomorrow night?” he suggests.
“Sounds good.”
“I mean, Kim has been going on about us all getting together again, but I don’t really fancy going out. If we stay here, then we don’t run the risk of bumping into anyone else.” What Michael really means is that we won’t run the risk of Cal coming along.
“Okay.”
“Here,” he says, pulling my phone out of his pocket and handing it to me. I look at him flabbergasted. He has kept my phone all week long, so I find it strange that he is giving it back to me now.
“I can have my phone?” Even I can hear how pathetic I sound.
“Of course,” he says with a chuckle. “How else will you ask Kim and Jeremy to come round?”
“I just presumed that you would text one of them.” He has both of their numbers after all.
“I think it would be nicer if you invited them. I mean, it may look a little strange that I text Kim instead of you.”
“Whatever you think is best,” I reply as I take my phone from him and switch it on.
“I’ll have it straight back after,” he clarifies.
Of course he will.
How stupid of me to think that he would let me keep it.
The phone screen comes to life and instantly pings with several text messages. I am about to open the messages when Michael abruptly snatches the phone back off of me.
“I don’t think that you need to be bothered with any of these,” he says. “I’ll just get rid of them.”
“Please let me see them,” I say without thinking. He pauses and looks at me, narrowing his eyes.
“Why? Who do you think they are from?”
“I don’t know, but they may be important
,” I say in a quiet voice, wishing that I had just kept quiet in the first place.
“I don’t think that anything Cal has to say is important,” he replies before resuming his act of deleting the messages. His jaw ticks as he clearly reads them first, but there is no way that he can blame me for receiving a text message, can he?
“There,” he says a few moments later. “All gone. Now you can text Kim.” I take the phone back off of him and hold back the tears that threaten to emerge. I don’t think that I have ever cried so much in all of my life, not even when Tom and I broke up. I send a quick text to Kim and then hand the phone back.
“I’ll just leave this on to wait and see if we get a reply,” he says as if this is normal fucking behaviour.
“Okay.”
“Why don’t you go and have an early night? You look shattered and we don’t want you looking anything but your best for tomorrow night now, do we?” He raises one eyebrow and I stand up like a good girl and go to the bedroom. I shut the door behind me, throw myself on the bed and silently scream into the pillow.
My life isn’t supposed to be like this.
I’m not meant to be controlled.
How did I let this happen?
How could I not see this coming?
Why do I feel so weak against him?
I need to find a way of escaping here, and quick.
Chapter Thirty-Five
False pretences
“I’m so glad that you both came here tonight,” Michael says to Jeremy and Kim as we sit at the kitchen table after finishing the meal that I prepared for us all.
“Eh up, he’s about to do a toast,” Jeremy says, laughing.
“It must be serious,” Kim chimes in.
“It is actually,” Michael confirms. “I don’t know if either of you realised, but today is the day of mine and Lucy’s one year anniversary.”
Fuck.
One year, already?
It had completely slipped my mind, but that’s hardly surprising with everything that has been going on.
“That’s why we wanted you two here tonight, to celebrate with us,” Michael continues.
“Ah, that’s so sweet,” Kim says, placing her hand over her heart.
Yeah, real fucking sweet.
Shame that he treats me worse than a dog.
“There’s something that I have been wanting to ask for a while now,” Michael says as he stands up and puts his hand in his trouser pocket. I stare at him with wide eyes as I anticipate what he is going to say.
“I think that it’s fair to say that Lucy and I have had our ups and downs, but for the most part, we have been blissfully happy. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it, and I never want to. You complete me, Lucy. You were always the missing part of me. You made me come alive, learn to love and my heart belongs to you.” I hear Kim gasp and my heart pounds faster with every word that comes out of his mouth.
Please don’t do what I think you are about to.
Please just finish the toast by raising your glass.
Please God don’t let him trap me further.
“On that note,” Michael continues as he pushes his chair back and drops to one knee beside me. “I would be honoured if you would agree to spend the rest of your life with me.” With those words, he pulls a small box out of his trouser pocket and opens it, revealing a silver ring with three small diamonds along the front.
“Oh my God,” Kim says in the background, but I barely hear her over the rushing of the blood pumping in my ears.
“I love you, Lucy, and I want the whole world to know that you’re mine.” His eyes bore into me, and I know that he thinks this declaration is heartfelt, but I am feeling nothing but panic right now.
“I think that we make a great team, and I want to be able to call you my wife.” He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly before finishing his speech. “Marry me, Lucy, and I will spend the rest of our days making you happy.”
Oh God.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think.
I can’t marry him.
I can’t let him do this to me.
I don’t want to spend my life with him.
I just want to get the fuck out.
His expectant eyes shine with unshed tears, and I can feel Kim and Jeremy holding back their excitement as they wait for my answer.
My mouth is dry, my hope of leaving dying as I utter the words that everyone else wants to hear.
“Yes.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
No way out
“We had a great night,” Kim says as she kisses my cheek and takes one last look at the foreign object on my ring finger. “Damn, girl, that is pretty.”
“It is,” I say as I try to inject some life into my answer.
“We should do this again soon,” Michael says as he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my midriff.
“Definitely. Congratulations again, guys,” Jeremy says before he opens the front door and walks out, Kim trailing behind him.
“See you Monday,” she calls as they walk away.
I close the front door with a heart that feels like lead.
“Well, that was a success,” Michael says, turning me in his arms and pushing me against the front door.
“What are you doing?” I ask as he starts to kiss my neck.
“I’m kissing my fiancée, what does it look like?”
“Can’t we clean the place up first?” I am stalling. I don’t want him to kiss me.
“The cleaning can wait, I however can’t.”
“But Michael––”
“Don’t you want to please your husband-to-be?” he asks me, putting on a look of hurt.
“Of course I do, but––”
“Well then, get in the bedroom and show me how much you love me.” I gulp down the lump that has formed in my throat and I make my way to the bedroom.
It’s just sex.
I can do this.
Michael follows me and shuts the bedroom door behind him, bathing us in darkness.
I block my mind, feeling absolutely nothing as we have sex.
Michael gave up on my pleasure a long time ago, so once he’s done, he rolls over and passes out beside me.
He didn’t notice my body freezing from his touch.
He didn’t notice that I was disinterested.
And he didn’t notice the tears that fell from my eyes the whole time.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Unrecognisable
I am a shell of my former self.
Pale.
Washed-out.
Miserable.
Fucked.
I have put on a good front, but when I am by myself, I can see the change.
My whole personality has changed, and inside my head I am at war.
My reflection stares back at me, hauntingly.
“You need to cheer the fuck up,” Michael says as he walks into the bathroom and stands behind me.
“I’m okay.”
“Well tell your face that.” His acid tongue has gotten worse over the last few days. It doesn’t matter how nice I am to him, he just picks at any little thing that he can. “Most women would be pleased to have just gotten engaged to a man that adores them.”
I can’t help the scoff that escapes my mouth and I instantly feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.
“What was that?” Michael asks, stepping closer to me.
“Nothing.” Luckily, he doesn’t push the issue. I don’t have the strength in me to fight him right now.
“You have five minutes and then we need to leave,” he says, exiting the bathroom and leaving me in peace, if only for a few moments.
I apply some make-up, let out a deep sigh and go to the kitchen, where Michael is waiting for me. I can feel his eyes scrutinizing me as I pick up my handbag and hook it over my shoulder.
“You ready?” I ask, trying to sound more cheerful than I feel.
“Why have you got all
of that slap on your face?” he asks.
“Pardon?”
“Go and take it off.”
“What?”
“You heard me, go and take it off. All of it.” This is the first time that he has commented on the way that my face looks. I have only used nude eyeshadow, mascara and a glittery, bronze eyeliner.
“But, why?”
“Do you think that I want other men looking at you and thinking that they can get in your knickers?” He looks and sounds outraged. Anyone would think that I had used a trowel to put my make-up on. “I’m not having you showing me up at work by rolling in looking like a fucking slag.”
“Michael,” I exclaim, already envisioning that I am going to pay for this supposed faux pas later on tonight.
“Don’t Michael me. Go. And. Take. It. Off,” he says each word slowly, dangerously.
“But it makes me feel better.” I can’t let him take another thing away from me, even if it does seem trivial.
“Well, it doesn’t make me feel better, and as my wife-to-be, that should be your only concern from here on out. Now, do as I say and don’t take too long about it.”
My shoulders droop and I place my handbag back on the table.
Nothing I say will appease him.
Nothing I do is ever right.
I make my way back to the bathroom and I start to take the make-up off. I don’t let myself cry, I think that I am too numb from everything to forge any kind of reaction.
When I’m done, I return to Michael, who has a smirk on his face.
“That’s better.” Satisfied, he announces that we can now leave, and I follow him, feeling another little piece of my soul die.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Broken hearts
I’m sat at my desk, drinking a cup of coffee when my work phone rings. Placing my cup down, I pick up the receiver and put on a polite, cheery voice.
“Lucy?” the voice on the other end of the phone says.
“Cal?”
Shit.
“Why are you calling me at work?” I ask, a little abruptly.
“Why aren’t you answering your mobile? I’ve been trying to get hold of you for over a week now.”
Losing Control (The Control Duet Book 1) Page 10