by Grace James
“You already own them all.”
“That’s not really the point of the game!” She threw her arms up, exasperated.
“Okay, okay, I’ll play,” I laughed.
“I’m in too,” Mel agreed.
On cue, the lights dimmed again and I saw Connor’s shadow jog to the drum kit and settle behind it. The spotlight sparked and illuminated him against the backdrop of the band’s banner. He hammered out a brief, booming solo before stopping dead as darkness descended again.
Then three spotlights flared to life, this time pinning Kane, Derren and Connor to the stage. They played a snippet of Tails, You Lose, one of the band’s most well known tracks. Timed to perfection, they cut off exactly as the lights blinked out. Their stage craft was whipping the crowd into a tumult of infectious anticipation.
The stage was suddenly bathed in light at the same instant that the band powered into the intro of Tails, You Lose. Blake was in the center of the stage, head down, arms flung wide as the music pulsed around him.
My heart leapt into my throat at the sight of him.
He raised his head, cocky smirk in place, and started to sing. I dragged my eyes away from him and focused on Connor, wondering bitterly when I’d stopped reacting to him the way that I had just reacted to Blake.
73
“You do know you’re losing the shit out of this game, right?” Hayley shouted in my ear as the crowd around us bellowed for an encore. “You have two or three songs max before I’m the reigning champion.”
Hayley had managed to distract Derren enough to fumble a note by miming giving a blow job right when he glanced at her. Mel had caught Kane’s attention long enough to pull a goofy face but, although he’d chuckled, he hadn’t messed up.
“I told you, Connor’s untouchable!” I protested.
“So do Blake,” Mel piped up.
I narrowed my eyes at her, but she just grinned at me. “I for one am not going down without a fight!” she said. “Although the same cannot be said for Hayley.”
I couldn’t help bursting in to a fit of giggles.
“You suck!” Hayley shouted but she was laughing along with me.
“No, that would be you,” Mel quipped.
Just then, Sons re-emerged for their encore.
“Hey, bitches and bro’s,” Blake spoke to the crowd. “You wanna hear a new song we’ve been working on?” The crowd cheered. He smirked and nodded. “Damn fucking right you do. This is called Bind of the Blue Collars and it’s for Amy, ‘cause it’s her favorite.”
Kane launched into the opening chords and the rest of the band followed. Blake stepped up to the front of the stage as he started to sing, resting one foot on top of one of the monitors. He leant out towards the crowd and caught my eye as he sang.
To this day, I don’t really know what made me do what I did next. I think it was mainly the fact that I’d been having so much fun with Hayley and Mel, trying to distract the guys as they played…but it could also have had a little to do with the fact that Blake had just dedicated a song to me. To be honest, it was probably a mixture of both, combined with me being caught up in the heat of the moment.
Either way, as he sang to me, I pouted my lips and looked up at him coyly, through my eyelashes, before blowing him a kiss.
I didn’t really think it would work at distracting him, if anything, I expected a smirk and a wink in return.
But what I got was nothing like that.
His eyes widened briefly before a flash of animalistic lust swept over his face and he stopped singing – actually stopped singing – and stared at me with his lips parted.
He missed a few words before he blinked and picked up the chorus again, shoving himself backwards off of the monitor and away from the edge of the stage.
“Did he just mess up?” Hayley shouted to be heard over the music. “He did, didn’t he? What did you do?”
I felt my face flaming. “Uh, I just pulled a stupid face.”
“From the expression on his face, it looked like you flashed him,” Mel interjected.
“You didn’t?!” Hayley’s eyes widened.
“No! Of course not! Are you crazy?!” I forced my focus back to the stage, to Connor – who was thankfully still immersed in his drums.
And I ignored the serious side-eye that Mel was sending my way.
74
“Here you go fan girl,” Hayley handed me the black and white Sons of Sinners; my prize for winning the game.
“You have to wear it now though,” Mel said.
“Aw, but –” I gestured at my outfit “– new dress.”
“Get over yourself and wear it,” Hayley teased.
I pretended to sulk, but pulled the shirt on over my dress anyway.
Hayley pulled out her phone. “Derren just texted me, he said if we want to go backstage the guy on security knows our names and he’ll let us through.”
We made our way to the door to the right of the stage where a large bouncer was standing. He let is through and pulled the door shut behind us, leaving us in a dimly lit hallway. We followed it until we saw the guys carrying their instruments through the open back doors and loading it into the bed of Blake’s Chevy.
“Hey babe,” Derren called out, before splitting away from the group to envelop Hayley in a sweaty hug.
She squealed and swatted him away. “Ugh, gross!”
He laughed and stole a kiss all the same.
I caught sight of Connor leaning against the side of the truck, talking to the drummer from the opening band. I tried to catch his eye as we approached but he didn’t look my way.
“Hey, Amy! Awesome shirt!” Kane called out.
“Thanks,” I smiled.
“She won a game,” Mel piped up.
“What kinda game?” Blake asked as he slammed the tailgate shut and turned to look at me.
I felt my face heating as I answered. “Um…it was just something Hayley made up.”
“I’ll bet,” he said quietly, his eyes taking on a knowing look, which only made me blush more deeply. Thank God it was pretty dark back there.
Connor finished up talking to the other drummer, clapping him on the shoulder before walking over to us and slinging an arm casually around my shoulders. If he noticed the Sons t-shirt, or the new dress that was peeking out from under it, he didn’t mention it.
“You guys coming back in, we still got pizza in the dressing room?” Kane asked.
His question was met with a chorus of agreement from the others and they all started to head back inside.
“I need a smoke.” Connor said. “Amy, you staying out with me?”
I wrinkled my nose a little at the thought of my new dress – and shirt – smelling of smoke.
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, don’t bother. I’ll find you after.”
As I watched him turn his back and walk out into the night, disappearing past the cars and trucks that were parked in back of the venue, I felt like the gulf that had grown between us was widening with every step that he took.
But he had just asked me to stay outside with him. Maybe he was trying to bridge the gap – and I was the one who was screwing it up.
I decided to go with him after all.
I walked in the direction that I had seen him go, past the bands’ trucks and cars. A quick glance around revealed him pacing back and forth, simultaneously rolling something between his fingers.
“Connor?” I called quietly as I approached.
He smoothly slid the ‘something’ behind his ear, pulled a pack of regular cigarettes from his jean pocket and tapped one out. “Thought you were staying inside.”
“I changed my mind,” I stopped in front of him. “Do you seriously think that I’m not going to notice that behind your ear?”
He huffed. “No, I figured I was busted.”
“I’m not here to bust you –”
“Then what?” he interrupted. “‘Cause lately it seems like all you ever do is look for something to bitch a
bout.”
I stared at him in frustration. “Maybe if you didn’t give me reasons to –”
“I’m so tired of this shit!” he barked. “I can’t do a damn thing without you preaching at me!”
“You just assume that’s what I’m going to do! I didn’t come out here to fight or bust you or preach at you, Connor!”
He opened his arms, palms up. “What do you want then?”
“I just wanted to spend time with you! But – silly me – I forgot that I have to share you with your…illegal substances.”
His snorted. “‘Illegal substances’? Who the hell talks like that?”
Something in me snapped.
“Okay, how about this instead?” I stepped back and threw my arms wide, yelling into the night. “MY BOYFRIEND’S GETTING HIGH OVER HERE! EVERYONE! COME LOOK!”
He glared at me. “You think you’re funny?”
“No, Connor, nothing about this is funny.” I practically spat.
“Since when are you so fucking boring?”
I felt like he’d just slapped me. “Since when are you so mean? Can’t you just –”
“No,” he cut me off. “I can’t ‘just’ anything. You keep waiting for me to change, don’t you? Well, I’m NOT GOING TO.”
“Are drugs that important to you?” I implored. “Are they more important than me?”
He sneered. “You know, you sound just like my mom.”
“Well, you’ve never introduced me to her –”
He rolled his eyes at that comment.
“– but she sounds pretty smart.”
He looked at me for a long moment. “Fuck. You.”
“No thanks.” I shot back.
His face darkened. “I don’t need this shit.” He slowly and deliberately took the roll up from behind his ear and lit it, before blowing the smoke in my direction. “We’re done.”
A pulse of shock thudded through my body, leaving my skin tingling as I stared at him, at the look of disdain on his handsome face. I suddenly wanted to hurt him, make him feel as worthless as he’d managed to make me feel. “We’ve been done for a long time, Connor. It just took me a while to realize it.”
His face contorted in a grimace and then he abruptly turned on his heel and walked away from me. He didn’t head back inside; he walked out of the parking lot and onto the sidewalk. In a few moments he had disappeared from sight.
I stood there, staring after him, and waited for the tears to come.
But they didn’t.
75
The chill of the night air forced me back inside. I walked through the darkened backstage area until I found a black door with a Sons of Sinners sign taped to it. For a little while I just looked at the door. I guess I was in a kind of daze. I could hear the chatter and easy laughter of the others inside the dressing room, but they seemed like they were a million miles away. I knew that as soon as I walked in, one of them would ask me where Connor was.
And then I would have to explain…and I just didn’t know quite how to say it.
So I stared at the door.
And magically, it opened.
Well, it wasn’t actually magic. Derren opened the door, pulling Hayley along behind him – but when he saw me standing there he jerked to a stop. “Holeeey shit!” He practically shouted. “Amy you scared the fuck outta me! You’re standing there like that little ghost girl in that Ring movie!”
I burst out laughing – I actually laughed out loud. I couldn’t believe I was laughing – but I was…and then suddenly I was crying.
Derren looked horrified. “Oh, hey, I didn’t mean it in a bad way –”
“Amy, what’s wrong?” Hayley’s arms were around me a second later.
Then I heard Mel’s voice. “What happened? What did he do?” she demanded as she appeared around the door.
Then I saw the curious faces of Kane and Blake come in to view as well – and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
“Dammit,” I muttered, swiping at my tears.
“What happened?” Mel asked again.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Me and Connor broke up.”
Mel’s mouth dropped open and Hayley murmured “Oh, shit,” as she tightened her arms around me – I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the guys.
“We had a fight and he took off,” I explained quietly.
“Then maybe it’s just a fight?” Hayley asked.
“No, not this time,” I shook my head. “I think it’s really over,” I finished on a whisper, sniffing as my tears started to dry on my cheeks and my face started to heat with the embarrassment of blubbering in front of everybody. “I think I just need to go home.”
“Okay,” Hayley agreed immediately. “We’ll take you, right Mel?”
“Of course.”
“No, it’s okay.” I disentangled myself from Hayley. “You guys stay out, I’ll just get a cab, honestly, I could do with a little time alone.”
“I can call you a cab, Amy,” Derren offered.
“Derren!” Hayley admonished. “I’ll just drive her!”
He looked disappointed, like a kid who just dropped his last gummy bear. “But we were gonna go –”
“She’s upset, we’ll do it another time,” Hayley hissed.
“Honestly, I’ll be fine.” I offered Hayley and Mel a small smile. “I really would rather be alone anyway. Please go and have a good night and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I could see that they were about to protest when Blake spoke up. “I’ll drive her.”
I looked over at him, his face was blank but he was watching me closely.
I shook my head. “It’s fine –”
“I know it is. But I have to drive out of here either way ‘cause I’ve got a truck load of kit out back that I need to take home. I can drop you off, then drop off everything at my place and still come back out if I want to – so you’re not inconveniencing me at all.”
I thought about arguing. But really, what was the point? I knew he would have an answer for everything – and his proposal was so logical it seemed silly to even bother.
Five minutes later, Blake and I walked out to his truck. It had taken me a little while to convince the girls that I really would be okay alone, but they finally agreed to let me go when I promised at least seven times to call them if I needed them.
As I walked next to Blake, the silence was thick around us and I was excruciatingly conscious of him just inches away from me. If my emotions had been functioning properly, I think I would have been nervous, but I was still in shock over what had happened with Connor. It was almost as if I was disconnected from my body, watching myself from a distance; the break up had caught me completely by surprise and I was still processing.
One thing that does stick in my mind about that moment though, was how okay I was. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t exactly doing cartwheels, but I wasn’t in a hysterical heap on the floor either – and I’d always figured I would have been a complete mess if Connor and I ended things. Instead, it was almost as if I had been carrying a huge weight around my shoulders for a long time without even realizing it, and all of a sudden someone had just come along and taken it away.
There were a lot of other emotions that came along with THAT little truth though – but at that point, like I said, I was still pretty numb.
The bone crushing guilt would come later.
76
When Blake and I reached his truck, he opened the passenger side door for me before walking around and climbing in himself. “You wanna go straight home?” He asked as he started up the engine and pulled out of the lot.
“Why? Did you have somewhere else in mind?” I looked at him suspiciously out of the corner of my eye.
He smirked. “Thought you might wanna stop at a liquor store and get a fifth of vodka, maybe?”
I shook my head and looked away, out of the window, where the lights of the city were speeding by.
“It was a joke, Princess.�
�
“Hilarious,” I said dryly. “I’m glad you find this so funny.”
“Shit,” he muttered. “Sorry. I’m being a dick.”
“Yeah, isn’t that your default setting?” I snarked, still looking out of the window.
I heard him chuckle. “Yeah, maybe.”
We drove through the city in silence for a while, until I eventually turned back to him. “I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…”
He glanced at me. “…just?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know…do you think I’m boring?”
He turned his blue eyes on me. “What? Why would you –” he frowned as realization dawned “– Connor said that.”
“Connor said a lot of things but, yeah, that was one of them.”
He snorted and looked back at the road. “No, you’re not fucking boring. Never think that.”
I bit my lip and looked down at my hands clasped in my lap.
“You okay over there?” he asked after a moment.
That’s the million dollar question…am I awful if I say ‘yes’?
I raked my teeth over my lip and wrung my hands together harder.
“C’mon, Princess, he’ll come back around. Always does. This time next week, you guys’ll be back together again.” He reached over and put one big hand over both of mine, squeezing gently as the heat of his fingers encased my cold skin. The sight of his single hand, so big and rough, on my smaller, softer ones, sent a wave of heat through me.
I looked up at his face in profile as he looked out of the windshield, the neon city lights flashing over him revealed the slight tension around his eyes.
“Not this time,” I murmured.
“Yeah, we’ll see.” He sounded resigned. “Not exactly the first fight you’ve had.” He gave my hands a final squeeze and then pulled away to grasp the stick shift. I missed his touch immediately, which I knew was all kinds of wrong, coming less than half an hour after breaking up with my boyfriend.
“This is different,” I said.
I wasn’t exactly sure why I felt the need to convince him. Another example of the ‘all kinds of wrong’ thing, I guess – but then, everything to do with Blake had been like that for weeks now. The fact that I was so fixated on him at a time like this just proved that beyond a doubt.