by Grace James
“Different how?” he asked.
“Because this time I don’t want him to come back around.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth my heart started to pound in my chest. It was the truth, but admitting it out loud felt weird, like I was betraying Connor.
Blake turned to look at me; his eyes were wide and his lips were parted in surprise. I met his gaze, swallowing thickly in response to the blooming intensity in his eyes. A second later, he blinked and turned back to the road. “We’ll see,” he said gruffly. “You say that now. When you’ve cooled off you’ll feel different.”
I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like he was trying to convince himself of that, not just me.
A moment later we pulled up outside my apartment. Blake shut off the engine and climbed out of the Chevy.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he opened the passenger side door to let me out.
“Walking you up.” He raised an eyebrow. “That a problem?”
“...no, but I can walk up to my apartment alone, you know.”
He shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets as we started across the sidewalk to the steps leading to the first floor. “Yeah, but it’s late and dark and I’d feel better walking you to your door.”
“Well, aren’t you a gentleman?” I said, shooting him a wry look.
“You’re just now figuring that out?”
I snorted and shook my head. “I guess so. Whatever could have taken me so long?”
He chuckled. “Y’know, I’m not a total dick all the time.”
“Just some of the time?”
“Exactly.” He winked, still grinning.
We reached my door and I pulled my keys out of my purse, but I didn’t open the door right away. Honestly, I didn’t want him to go. I know how bad that sounds, but I couldn’t help it. If someone had told me a few months before that I would be craving the company of Blake Maxwell, I would have laughed in their face. But right then, there was no one else on the planet that I would rather have been with.
Just admitting that to myself scared me half to death.
“Thank you for the ride, Blake,” I said quickly, turning away from him and opening the door.
“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” His voice rumbled from behind me, sending goose bumps down my spine.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine, honestly,” I stepped inside the apartment before turning back to him, half closing the door so there was only a small gap left, putting a partial barrier between us. I knew I was being rude, but I felt like if I stood there with him for much longer I might do something really stupid, like ask him to come inside with me.
He was looking at me with a hint of amusement on his face. “Okay, well, if you’re sure. Night, Princess.”
“Night,” I said quickly, before closing the door in his face. I turned, leaning my back against the wood as I listened to his footsteps receding back down the stairs, trying in vain to sort through the roaring confusion in my mind.
77
My thoughts soon returned to Connor.
I spent the whole weekend shut up inside my apartment; I had trouble sleeping, I ate a lot of ice cream, I spent a lot of time lounging on my bed staring at the minute cracks in the ceiling, and I became pretty familiar with the tiny flowers on the outdated wallpaper next to my pillow. My mind worked constantly, second guessing what I’d said, wondering whether I was right to let him walk away.
But it kept coming back to the same answer: Yes.
“You were right,” I said to Mel as I plopped down next to her on the couch Monday night after college.
She immediately muted the TV and turned to face me, sitting Indian style. “What?”
“I said you were right.”
“Oh, I know, I just wanted to hear it again.”
I snorted and propped my feet up on the coffee table.
“So, what was I right about?” she asked.
“Connor,” I stated, unable to meet her eyes, staring at my toes, noticing my nail polish was chipped. “What you said about me convincing myself he was great without getting to know him properly first. I really did do that, didn’t I?” I glanced over at her to see her staring at me, wide eyed. “What?”
“You’re really serious about this break up, aren’t you?”
This time I met her eyes unflinchingly. “Yeah. I really am.”
Because the Connor that broke up with me wasn’t the same Connor that I’d met last fall. The Connor that I’d met last fall was crazy, funny and sometimes sweet. The Connor that broke up with me was reckless without the fun; he was sarcastic without the humor…
And I just could NOT get past the drugs thing.
To be completely truthful, I don’t think I ever really got over what happened the night that I went over to see him after his mom had kicked him out – when he was out of his mind on bourbon and coke and who-knew-what else.
And after that, the fact that he disregarded how uncomfortable I was with him using, just threw salt on the wounds.
The whole thing reminded me of that movie He’s Just Not That into You – because, you know, if he was that into me, he’d have picked me wouldn’t he? And screw the crack.
But he didn’t.
I knew I had been right to let him walk away.
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
The thing was, our relationship had been going downhill for a long time, and each new hurt had been painful and often humiliating. I had already cried over him, over the loss of us, so many times before that it was as if I had already mourned our break up, before it even happened.
The realization that he had already been long gone, even before we broke up – long before that, in fact – was the thing that really kicked me in the guts.
Mel must have recognized the look of hurt on my face, because she immediately offered me wine.
“How do you even have wine?” I asked as she disappeared into the kitchen, emerging a minute later with two glasses and a bottle of Merlot.
“Blake,” she said, grinning as she placed the glasses on the coffee table and poured out the wine.
“Blake bought you wine?”
“Yeah, well no, technically he bought you wine.”
I just looked at her in confusion as she handed me a glass.
“The other night, after he brought you back here, he met back up with us at The Pit. Before we all went home, he went to the bar and bought this. He told me to drink it with you if you were sad.”
Out of nowhere, I had a lump in my throat at his thoughtfulness.
Mel grinned mischievously. “He totally wants in your pants.”
“Mel!” I exclaimed as my face started to heat. “It’s not like that!”
“Oh really?”
“We’re friends,” I said firmly. I may have been talking to Mel, but I was also addressing Internal Slutty Amy who was currently changing into satin underwear.
“Yeah,” Mel allowed. “You’re friends. Sure.” She leant back on the couch and un-muted the TV, a smug smile on her face.
I almost opened my mouth to protest further, but what was the point? She’d made up her mind. So I just sipped my wine instead…and thought about Blake…which in turn led to texting Blake…
Me: Thank you for the wine. That was really nice of you.
Blake: You’re welcome…does that mean I do have SOME redeeming qualities?
Me: Do you remember EVERY insult I ever threw at you?
Blake: Yep. Now answer the question.
Me: *Eye roll* Okay, yes Blake, you do have SOME redeeming qualities.
Blake: Ha! Eye roll? Ever heard of an emoticon?
Me: *sticks tongue out*
Blake: You’re cracking me up.
Me: Ha! Cracking you up? Ever heard of LOL?
Blake: Nice.
The thing was, once the texting started, we couldn’t seem to stop. Over the next couple of weeks, barely a few hours went by without me hearing from him.
Blake: Knock knock.
Blake: KNOCK KNOCK!
Me: Fine – who’s there?
Blake: Ben.
Me: Ben who?
Blake: Ben Dover.
Me: That’s terrible.
Blake: That’s not what Ben said...
Me: Eww.
***
Me: Who’s your favorite band in the world right now?
Blake: Can’t just name ONE!
Me: Don’t think about it too much. If you could listen to anyone right now, who would it be?
Blake: I’m listening to Pearl Jam so I guess that’s your answer.
Me: Thought you were at work?
Blake: Taking a break, sitting in my truck eating a sub…why you asking about bands anyway?
Me: Studying and I need some background music – can’t decide what to listen to. Which album?
Blake: Vitalogy.
Me: Perfect. I’m listening to it too now.
Blake: You’re killing me.
***
Blake: What you doing?
Me: It’s 11.30 PM, what do you think I’m doing?
Blake: Lying in bed thinking about me?
Actually, I was, but there was no way I was going to admit that to him.
Me: In your dreams!
Blake: So…?
Me: *Eye roll* Lying in bed reading.
Blake: Haha. What you reading?
Me: ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King.
Blake: Which part you up to?
Me: You’ve read it?
Blake: Yep. Now answer the question.
Me: Bossy much?
Blake: Yep. Now answer the question.
Me: Larry and Rita are in the tunnel…
Blake: Shit, that part is creepy!
Me: I know! I just had to switch my light on!
Blake: Dammit, now I wanna hug you…
Me: Distract me instead. What’re you doing?
Blake: You wouldn’t believe me now.
Me: Try me.
Blake: Lying in bed reading.
Me: Liar!
Blake: See?
Me: Okay, reading what? Playboy?
Blake: Ha fucking ha, you don’t think I’d be reading an actual book?
Me: Kidding Mr. Sensitive. Now YOU answer the question.
Blake: Reading ‘It’.
Me: Now I know you’re lying! Too much of a coincidence!
Blake: Truth. Swear to God. You read it?
Me: Some of it, I didn’t get to the end.
Blake: Why not?
Me: Too scary!
Blake: Fuck. Now I really wanna hug you…
Me: Night, Blake.
Blake: Night, Princess. Sweet dreams.
78
Mel and I pulled up outside the large house that Hayley lived in with her mom. It was surrounded by lush gardens to the front and rear, full of a host of colorful plants I couldn’t name. Hayley’s mom, Dawn, was very into gardening, and it showed. Everywhere you looked there was a water feature or a sculpture half hidden by greenery, or a bejeweled piece of wall art perfectly offset by the vibrant flowers surrounding it. I’d once told Dawn that her garden was my ‘happy place’, and I wasn’t lying, it was beautiful.
We got out of the car carrying our gifts with us up the winding garden path to the front porch. It was Hayley’s twenty first birthday and she was having a huge house party to celebrate.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Mel asked. I think she was actually more anxious about me coming face to face with Connor than I was.
“Well, if I’m not, the getaway car is right there.” I cocked a thumb over my shoulder.
“If you want me to throw a drink on him, just say the word.”
I laughed. “Thanks, I will.”
“Don’t think I won’t either.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I know you’re serious.”
“As a heart attack,” she said grimly.
I was still chuckling when we opened the door. Inside the house was mainly open plan with the stairs dead ahead, the living room off to the right, the dining room off to the left and the kitchen partitioned off from the dining room, running along the back of the house – in short, nowhere to hide. But there was one hell of a huge crowd to get lost in.
The things is, when you want to get lost in those types of situations, it never really works like that.
As soon as we set foot through the door, there they were – all of the Sons of Sinners guys. They were standing together, just inside the dining room and, as Mel and I walked in, they pretty much turned as one and looked at me. Even though it was loud inside the house, the silence in my brain was deafening – I just kind of froze up.
It was silly really. I mean, I knew they would all be there. But knowing that is one thing; walking straight into it is another.
When my brain kicked in again, it was immediately pulled in two different directions: Connor on the one side, Blake on the other. And I didn’t know who to look at first – so I went with habit.
Connor looked hot, he always looked hot, but he also looked tired and a little spaced out. To tell the truth, he looked pretty much how I thought he would. When our eyes met, he nodded a curt greeting and then just walked away, muttering something about getting another beer.
When my eyes found Blake though, my breath caught in my throat and my heart pounded in my chest. His perfectly tousled hair looked as rich as cocoa against his tan skin; his broad chest heaved as he took a deep breath, and his ink teased me as it peeked above the neckline of his shirt. His sapphire eyes were locked on me from under dark brows, which were drawn together in a look of mild concern.
I heard Mel exchange greetings with Derren and Kane, and I opened my mouth to speak – but words failed me. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from Blake long enough to form a coherent thought. Although I’d been in contact with him every day over the past couple of weeks, I hadn’t actually seen him and it was like I was just then looking at him for the first time.
Luckily, Hayley’s mom came to my rescue.
“Girls! You’re here!” Dawn shrieked from across the living room. Hayley was standing next to her; they looked so similar it was almost eerie. But whereas Hayley was definitely a rock chick, Dawn was more of a free spirited hippy. Her long red hair was piled up on her head in a messy yet intricate series of braids, intertwined with green feathers. Dawn was of the attitude that any friend of her daughter’s was a part of the family. As such, she pretty much ran an open house. Also, drinking laws didn’t mean squat to Dawn. “Come on over here and have a Cosmo, girls!”
That was pretty much the theme of the night: ‘have a Cosmo’.
Although I didn’t have one – I had my getaway car at the ready – Hayley definitely made the most of being twenty-one, and Mel went along for the ride.
Before long, the karaoke was in full swing and Hayley and her mom were standing on the coffee table, belting out that eighties song by Tiffany – I Think We’re Alone Now.
As soon as Derren saw Hayley singing, he pushed through the crowd and started acting like her biggest fan – clapping along, wolf-whistling and shouting ‘Yeeeah babe!” at the top of his lungs.
Hayley and her mom couldn’t stop laughing at him and, when the song finished, Hayley leapt off the table into his arms.
THAT’S what it should be like, a voice whispered inside my mind as I watched them.
I turned away and walked through into the kitchen, planning on getting myself a soda from the fridge. When I entered the kitchen, the first thing I saw was Connor, setting up a game of Beer Pong on the kitchen island. He was joking around with a couple of girls – Hayley’s friends from college – but he glanced up as I walked in. Blake and Kane were leaning against the counter behind him, each holding a bottle of beer. When my eyes met Blake’s, he winked at me and my stomach dipped.
“Wanna play?” Connor asked, pulling my attention back to him as he gestured to the cups.
“Oh, I can’t,” I said, surpri
sed that he had spoken to me. We hadn’t so much as exchanged a text message since he walked away from me out back of Filthy Joe’s. “I’m not drinking tonight, I brought my car instead.”
“Of course you did.” He rolled his eyes and glanced at one of the girls as if to say Can you believe her?
The girl giggled and stepped closer to him.
So much for the sisterhood.
I almost bit back at him, and then thought better of it. I didn’t want to be the cause of an argument at Hayley’s party and, to be honest, I was feeling kind of over his bullshit. I turned away, grabbed a soda from the fridge and got out of there in search of my ‘happy place’.
79
I walked out of the back door and into the large garden. If the front garden was beautiful, the back garden was heavenly. It was a sea of stunning shrubbery and decadently scented flowers, interlaced with picturesque walkways. I strolled along one of the whimsical pathways towards my favorite part of the garden – a hidden pond behind a screen of tall bushes at the very back of the garden, near to the eight foot tall fence that surrounded it. The water rippled with the impact of a small waterfall that trickled down a mini rock formation, making the reflected moonlight shudder and dance on the cool water.
I walked around the pond and leant against the fence, sipping on my soda and listening to the tinkling of the waterfall.
After a few minutes, I heard the door of the house open. From where I was standing, I couldn’t see who had come outside – I just hoped it wasn’t Connor.
“You out here, Princess?” Blake’s voice called out.
I almost didn’t say anything – but, my desire to see him got the better if me. “Over here, Blake,” I called back.
“Uh, where?”
“By the pond.”
“There’s a pond? Can’t see a pond…are you fucking with me?”
I couldn’t help smiling into the darkness. “Can’t you hear the waterfall?” I asked, a teasing note in my voice.
He was quiet for a beat, then he spoke again. “Oh, yeah…hang on.” The sound of his footsteps got louder as he made his way through the garden. The next time he spoke, his voice was closer – just on the other side of the tall shrubs. “Okay, you’re gonna have to help me out here Princess.”