by Grace James
“Hey, yourself,” Blake said, completely nonchalantly. He didn’t look at me though, he was looking just over my head like he had done when he hugged me goodbye before the guys set off on tour.
“Um…” I groped for something to say. “So, it seems like everything’s going really well?”
“Yeah, it is.” He glanced at Derren and shoved his burger back into his hands. “Here, I’m tired of eating this shit, I’m gonna go find something else.” He turned and started to walk away.
“Hey, Blake! Don’t disappear!” The shout came from behind me. I turned to see Aiden approaching us quickly, clad in his customary sports jacket and designer jeans. As Blake turned to him questioningly, Aiden called, “The interview I told you about? We’ve got ten minutes until they call. We’ll take it in your dressing room, it’ll be quieter in there.”
Blake begrudgingly nodded his assent and came back over.
“Guess you want this ‘shit’ now?” Derren said sardonically, handing Blake’s burger back to him.
Blake took it with a glare.
“What about Con?” Kane asked Aiden.
“I already found him; he’s inside waiting for us. Come on, we don’t want to miss this call.” He snapped his eyes to me. “Hi, Amy, nice to see you again. Come with us, I’ll sort you out with a backstage pass. We don’t want security throwing you out.”
“Okay, thanks,” I said, but he had already turned his back on me and was hurrying towards the arena. I turned back to Kane. “Who’s the interview with?” I asked as we followed Aiden across the parking lot.
“The local rock station, they’re doing it by phone, that’s why we need to be somewhere quiet. Gives us a chance to promote our spot tonight, means that people who were gonna skip the opening bands, and just watch the headliners, will maybe come earlier and give us a chance. That’s Aiden’s theory anyway. We did the same thing in San Francisco and it seemed to work, right man?” Kane looked at Blake who was walking on the other side of him – pretty much as far away from me as he could get and still be counted as walking ‘with’ us.
“Yeah,” Blake practically grunted, eyes fixed dead ahead.
“Hope you’re gonna be more talkative than this when were on air, man,” Derren mumbled.
If Blake registered the comment at all, he ignored it.
“Leave it alone, D,” Kane muttered.
Aiden led us into the arena and through a series of cold, almost clinical corridors until we came to a door with a ‘Sons of Sinners’ sign taped to it. When he opened the door, the first thing I saw was Connor lounging on one of the two couches in the room, his feet up on the white coffee table that had been placed in between. When he caught sight of me he broke into a grin and stood up. “Here you are! Miss me?”
“Almost as much as you missed me,” I quipped as he came over and hugged me, dabbing a quick kiss to my lips. I couldn’t help tensing as his lips brushed against mine, knowing that Blake would see, and knowing that if the roles were reversed, I would hate watching him kiss someone else.
When Connor pulled back and I had chance to look at him properly, my first thought was: he looks tired. My second thought was: he looks hung over. My third thought was: he looks a little on edge.
I’m not sure if that was the exact moment that I knew that I’d thrown everything away for nothing, but it was definitely the first step on the road to clarity.
After that, it was just a matter of time before everything fell apart.
108
The radio interview started pretty much immediately after we walked into the dressing room. Aiden answered the call, then put the phone on speaker and set it in the middle of the coffee table as a male voice said, “You’ll be introduced in a minute, the next voice you hear will be Penny and you’ll be live on air so try not to curse.”
The guys sat down on the couches and I kind of hovered around, not really sure where to put myself. “Should I, um, go wait outside?” I asked.
“As long as you’re quiet, do what you want,” Aiden said.
Okay, sometimes ‘businesslike’ just came across as rude.
I ended up perching on the arm of the couch, just next to where Connor was sitting. Of course, that wound up being directly across from Blake, who was still acting like I wasn’t there. It was like, to Blake, there was a black hole where I should be. Every time his eyes came anywhere near me, they slid away again like water on oil.
Suddenly, a perky voice sounded through the phone. “And now, as promised, we have an interview with an awesome band, new on the scene, currently touring with the incredible Divide, we have Sons of Sinners on air with us right now! Hellooo guys, are you there?! Can you introduce yourselves to our listeners?”
Blake spoke up first, “Hey Penny, this is Blake, I’m the singer.”
“Oh, wow, well I have to be honest here, Blake, I checked out your Facebook and your Twitter and, let me just say to all the ladies listening, you NEED to go take a look at this guy! Daymmmn!”
Blake just laughed as the rest of the guys introduced themselves.
“Great!” Penny’s overly excited voice sounded again. “So glad you could join us on air! So, let’s start with the most important thing, you’re currently here in Seattle, playing the Key Arena tonight, for anyone out there who’s going to the show, what can they expect from you guys?”
“A lot of energy.” Blake leant forwards as he spoke and his voice dropped, taking on a seductive edge. “We’ll be dirty and sweaty by the end of it but it’ll be worth it.” He may as well have winked down the phone.
Derren guffawed. “Yeah, and the music’s pretty good too!”
“Well, I’m glad I have a ticket!” Penny laughed.
Blake smirked at her reaction, like it was exactly what he’d expected.
I knew I had absolutely no right to be pissed, but I kind of wanted to slap him.
After that, the rest of the interview focused more on the music and the origins of the band, with a lot of references to the fact that the guys were currently on tour. I saw Aiden point to the guys here and there and raise his eyebrows, like he was prompting them, then they would work in a comment about their YouTube channel, their website, their social media, their EP, or their plans to record an album right after the tour. It was actually an interesting process to watch.
As soon as the radio interview finished, Aiden sorted me out with a backstage pass, and Connor took me into the main arena itself to show me around. It was pretty cool seeing the whole place deserted apart from the roadies setting up the stage. It brought home to me how huge the place was, how many people would be watching them later that night, what an incredible opportunity this was for them.
“So, how are you doing?” I asked after a while, as we strolled aimlessly around the upper seats.
He shrugged. “Good.”
“That’s it? Just ‘good’?”
He shot me a wry look. “Alright, playing these types of shows is amazing. But that’s not what you’re talking about.”
“No,” I agreed. “It’s not…” I trailed off, not exactly sure how to ask what I wanted to ask, I wasn’t sure how he would react.
“I haven’t been getting high if that’s what you want to know.”
“It was,” I admitted.
“Well there’s your answer. No, I haven’t.”
“Have you been drinking?”
He frowned. “Yeah…why wouldn’t I drink?”
“I just thought – well, in the hospital you said you weren’t even going to drink anymore.”
“I did?”
“You don’t remember that?” I asked incredulously.
“No,” he snorted and shook his head. “I don’t remember that at all. But what the hell difference does drinking make anyway? Everyone drinks.” He leant in closer to me as we walked, like he was sharing a secret. “Even you drink, so it can’t be that bad.”
I was pretty sure he was trying to keep the mood light, but the fact that he’d just admitted t
o not remembering a chunk of our conversation in the hospital made me wonder what else he’s forgotten. “I’m not saying it’s bad Connor, I’m just telling you what you said to me.”
He sighed. “Alright, well it was a stupid thing to say in the first place, so just forget I said it.” He raised his eyebrows imploringly. “Can I still smoke?”
“And what would you do if I said ‘no’?”
He chuckled. “I’d do it anyway.”
“Then why bother asking?” I snapped.
“Jesus, I won’t then, I was kidding.”
“You’re kidding about this now?” I stopped short and glared at him.
He turned to face me. “About smoking? Yeah, I guess I am –”
“I don’t mean about smoking, I mean about this whole thing! You’re really going to make jokes about this just two weeks after you ended up in the hospital?!”
His eyes hardened. “I told you, I haven’t touched anything –”
“You also told me that you weren’t going to drink!”
“Yeah! When I was wasted. It was a dumb fucking thing to say but I was wasted! Jesus Christ! Is this what you came out here for? To bust my balls?”
Cold anger shot through me. “No! I came out here because you asked me to, because you said you needed me to! Was that bullshit too, Connor?”
He grimaced and turned away from me, dragging a hand through his hair as he paced away. Then he stopped abruptly and I saw his shoulders move up and down as he took a deep breath. Eventually, he turned back to me. “Can we just not do this?” he asked. “Can you just trust me, for once?”
“I never said I didn’t trust you –”
“Then what the fuck is this even about?”
I clamped my lips shut and tried to swallow down my anger, because he was right. I didn’t trust him, not fully, and I wasn’t sure if I ever had. Guilt started to claw at me. I mean, really, who was I to call his honesty into question, bearing in mind the secrets that I was keeping?
I took in a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry, it’s just…too soon to joke about it, is all.” I considered for a second. “In fact, I don’t think it will ever be okay to joke about it.”
He looked past me, down at the stage. “Time for sound check,” he said, gesturing to where the other guys were walking onto the stage. “You coming?” He offered me his hand, and I took it, but we left our conversation unfinished.
109
The rest of the afternoon was been pretty uneventful. Kane had been right about there being a lot of waiting around. After the sound check, we all hung out in the guys’ dressing room for a while. They recapped their set list with Aiden, making a few changes here and there.
When we were heading out of the dressing room, Connor grabbed my hand and held me back as the other guys made their way to the stage. He slipped his arm around my waist and kissed me briefly, before pulling back, grinning. His soft green eyes were blazing with anticipation.
He looked so happy and full of life.
It reminded me of the first time that I had seen him play drums in a dusty backyard in downtown Las Vegas. Back when we had first met and I was completely infatuated with him. But a glimpse was all it was, then he turned away from me and jogged to catch up with the other guys.
I followed along behind and found a place to stand at the side of the stage. I was hidden from the crowd but I could see everything.
The guys were amazing. As promised, their energy was incredible; like they had been born to perform, they owned the stage. In short, they were everything that I knew that they would be.
Blake was everywhere. Jumping off the monitors, climbing the speaker rigs, stalking along the front of the stage like a wild animal. And through it all, his voice never faltered. Deep and smoky, rough and gritty, soft and soulful, he held the audience in the palm of his hand.
And me.
I was right there too.
“Damn, Seattle!” he shouted into the microphone after one of their really energetic songs, Conscience Collapse. “You guys know how to do this shit!” He briefly applauded the audience. The rest of the guys joined in, raising their hands above their heads and clapping. The crowd lapped it up. Blake flashed his sexy-as-hell smirk and I swear I heard about ten thousand pairs of panties drop. “We only got a couple songs left,” he paused as the crowd started booing, his smirk widening before he continued with, “This next song’s a cover. We haven’t performed it in a while but I think tonight is a good night for it.”
When they were discussing the set list earlier, I hadn’t noticed them talking about doing any covers, and when I saw the confused looks the other guys were throwing his way, I figured that Blake was going off plan.
I glanced to my side to see Aiden standing a few feet away, shaking his head, trying to catch Blake’s eye.
But Blake didn’t look his way; instead he turned to the rest of the band and, moving the mic away from his mouth, said something to them that I couldn’t hear over the noise of the crowd. I could tell by the expressions on Kane and Derren’s faces that they were protesting, but then I saw Blake point at Connor, with a Do as I fucking say look on his face.
Connor just shrugged, apparently unconcerned, and counted the guys in, cracking his drumsticks together over his head before he brought them down, hard. Kane and Derren were left with no choice but to join in immediately.
A look of grim satisfaction flashed across Blake’s face as he turned away from the rest of the guys – to look straight at me. His eyes caught mine and held me there as he opened his mouth and sang the first few lines right at me.
It was I Almost Told You That I Loved You by Papa Roach. I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to that song, but let me tell you, if it’s aimed at you like this clearly was, it’s pretty offensive. The main message of the song, at least how Blake delivered it, was this: If I told you I loved you when we were fucking, I lied. I talk shit when I’m balls deep you… oh, and I like screwing with your head.
Yeah…
Ouch.
The song is pretty aggressive anyway, but Blake sang it like he was purging a wound. He pretty much spat some of the words, like they left a bad taste in his mouth.
I couldn’t look away.
I was tangled in the music, unable to break free. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He was like a vortex, pulling me in so that he could wreck me. I gritted my teeth so hard that I gave myself a headache. The crowd was going wild as the song finished and Blake shot me another look, this time accompanied by an evil smirk.
Bastard.
I finally pulled my eyes away from him and looked at the rest of the guys.
Derren looked royally pissed.
Connor looked like he couldn’t care less.
But Kane was looking at me like a jigsaw piece had just slid into place in his mind.
110
My eyes were glued to my phone. I couldn’t have told you what I was doing on my phone though, because it was purely a crutch to stop me from openly freaking out.
Kane knows Kane knows Kane knows was going through my head on a loop as Hysterical Amy had a meltdown; that mantra was also interspersed with completely incoherent, heartbroken thoughts about how much Blake obviously despised me.
We were back in Sons of Sinners’ dressing room and I was sitting on one of the couches, next to Connor, sneaking glances at the scene unfolding in front of me whilst pretending to stare at my phone.
Aiden, who was usually so calm and unflappable, was clearly irritated. He was standing, with hands on hips, calling Blake out over the cover song. “I told you, NO covers. I didn’t say ‘no covers’ just to be a prick, I said ‘no covers’ because you only have forty minutes a night to convince an audience of several thousand people that your band is worth listening to! If they want to hear a covers band, they can go to a dive bar.”
Blake was leaning against the wall, bottle of bourbon in hand. “Okay, man. Heard you the first time. No cover
s. Got it.” He took a casual sip from the bottle.
“Yeah? So what was that then?” Aiden was clearly exasperated.
“I just like the song,” Blake said nonchalantly, giving the impression that he was completely unaffected by how irate the others clearly were with him.
Derren, who was sitting across from me, stood abruptly and burst out with, “Seriously, man? Why are you bein’ such a fuckin’ dick? What the fuck’s with you?”
Blake’s eyes became glacial as he pushed himself off of the wall and strode towards Derren – but before he could get too close, Kane was between them with his hand on Blake’s chest. Although Blake towered above Kane, Kane was broader, and I knew he could probably hold his own against him. Derren, on the other hand, wouldn’t stand a chance if Blake laid into him.
“Easy, easy,” Kane said to Blake, his quiet voice the epitome of calm.
Blake was rigid, but he didn’t make another move towards Derren.
Kane spoke to Derren next, “Back off, D. He said no more covers, it’s done.”
Derren took a slow step back and then settled back on the couch, grinding his teeth in a clear show of frustration. “Fine.”
Blake nodded curtly and backed away too, going back to lean against the wall.
Kane cut a quick glance to me and my heart leapt into my mouth. I felt sure he was going to voice his suspicions, but he didn’t, he just took a seat next to Derren on the couch and ran a hand over the stubble on his head. He looked stressed and I could understand why, the tension in the room was palpable and I was pretty sure that he now knew that I was the cause of it. Blake was acting this way because of me...and it was affecting everyone.
Something else to feel guilty about. Greeeaat.
Connor, who had stayed out of the confrontation completely and looked bored out of his mind with the whole scene, turned to look at me. “Now that’s done – Divide are already on stage, you want to go watch?”
I looked at him in surprise. “Can we do that?”