by Grace James
“Yeah, backstage pass, remember? We can watch from the side of the stage.”
I jumped up, eager to see the band, and even more eager to get the hell out of there as quickly as humanly possible. “Yeah!”
111
Divide had just started their encore when Derren found Connor and I standing by the side of the stage. He patted Connor on the shoulder and shouted to be heard above the music, “Meet and greet time! Need you out front.”
Connor looked back at me. “Hang out here? I’ll see you after.”
“Um, or I could just come with you?” I said, a little confused as to why he’d leave me here when Divide were pretty much done. Soon, there would be roadies everywhere dismantling the equipment.
“Nah, you should watch the end of the set.”
“But I’ll just get in the way here,” I said.
Derren huffed. “Just bring her, man. She’s hung out by our merch stand a billion times. Right, Amy?”
“Right,” I said, frowning at Connor’s tense look. “I’ll stay out of the way, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He nodded. “Alright, it’s just that we gotta be among the crowd so I’ll be busy.” He took my hand as we walked away from the stage, following Derren through the hallways of the arena.
We soon emerged into the public area, where the stores were still lit up and open. I followed Derren and Connor to where the Sons of Sinners merchandise stand was set up. There were t-shirts, tank tops, hoodies, CDs, pins, ball caps, all sporting the band name and logo. A pretty, blonde girl that I didn’t recognize was manning the stand, dressed in a mini skirt and Sons of Sinners tank top.
“Hollie, you making us rich yet?” Derren called out as we approached.
She flashed a huge grin. “Not yet, but give it ten minutes, when the fans start leaving we’ll be raking in the dough.” Her eyes turned to take in Connor, and her smile faltered a little when she caught sight of me.
Connor nodded a greeting to her and then he glanced at me. “Hang out over there.” He gestured to a coffee shop about a hundred yards away. “I’ll come get you when I’m done.”
“Oh – yeah, or I could help Hollie out?” To be honest, up until that point it hadn’t even occurred to me to offer to work their merchandise stand. I guess that was the bad girlfriend in me, but I had done it a few times before, back in Vegas when one of their buddies had let them down.
“No. You don’t need to do that, she’s fine.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’ll help her out,” I said, pulling my hand out of his and heading behind the stand. He let me go, but I could tell he wasn’t thrilled about it.
“So, how did you end up selling merch for the guys?” I asked Hollie as I picked up a Sons of Sinners pin and attached it to my top.
“My brother is a sound technician for Divide, and I just came along for fun. A couple nights ago, I got talking to Connor – and the others – and I offered to help out.” She shrugged. “Gives me something to do, you know, besides drool over Logan.”
I snorted a little laugh. “He is worthy of drool, though.” Logan Fox was the lead singer for Divide, and he’d recently been voted The Sexiest Man in Rock – of course, the people who compiled that list hadn’t heard of Blake yet.
“He really is.” She grinned. “So…um, how do you know Connor and the others?”
“I’m Connor’s girlfriend.”
I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like she blanched just a little. “Right – I figured you must be.” She shot a quick glance towards Connor, who was standing with the other guys – Aiden, Blake and Kane had just arrived from backstage. “Have you guys been dating long?”
“About nine months.”
“Oh, that’s great,” she said in a tone of voice that told me she thought it was anything but great.
“Yeah.” I nodded and offered her smile, incredibly conscious of the fact that I wasn’t even remotely jealous of her obvious attraction to Connor.
Then madness descended for the next hour, and any chance of casual conversation with Hollie was gone. The concert was over and the fans were starting to emerge from the arena and make their way towards the exits, but as they did so, some of them noticed that Sons of Sinners were standing there – and some of them recognized them. I realized that that’s what the guys were banking on. They mingled with the fans, talked music, signed autographs, posed for pictures, directed them to the stand where me, Hollie and Aiden sold a massive amount of merchandise. By putting themselves in the path of the fans, they probably managed to sell triple or quadruple the amount that they would have sold otherwise.
My mind flashed back to something that Blake had said to me at the cabin, Princess, stop worrying. I’ll make it happen. Even if I have to strip naked at our shows to sell a fuck load of merchandise, I’ll make enough money to make sure I see you.
Involuntarily, my eyes sought him out – and there he was, surrounded by about five women, all of whom were practically falling all over themselves to touch him. One in particular was really beautiful, like Angelina Jolie in her prime beautiful, and I noticed that when she grazed a finger over his chest, he gave her a look like he wanted to devour her.
It didn’t end there though.
When the crush of the crowd had died down, I noticed that the beautiful fan girl was still hanging around. She was standing alone – not far away from where I was – and her eyes were fixed on Blake, who was talking to a couple of teen boys, who’d asked him to sign their CDs. I watched as his eyes found hers and a slow smirk spread across his face.
Then he looked right at me, and his smirk took on a sadistic edge.
I knew him well enough to know exactly what he was about to do.
You know that horrible sensation you get in your mouth right before you throw up?
Yeah…I got that.
It felt like the whole thing happened in slow motion; Blake excused himself from the conversation he’d been having and sauntered over to her. “You waited for me all this time, darlin’?” His voice was low and seductive.
She smiled flirtatiously at him. “Isn’t that what you wanted, babe?”
He chuckled. “Sure.”
Without another word, he took her hand and led her away, through a door that led to the backstage area.
Watching them go, it took every ounce of willpower I had not to puke all over their damn Sons of Sinners hoodies.
112
After that, everything around me felt distant and disconnected. It was like when you watch a war movie and a bomb goes off and there’s this kind of high pitched ringing noise that cuts across all other sound.
Just the thought of what Blake was doing right then made me want to shed my own skin. I was almost at the point where I was about to just drop what I was doing and run out of there – where I would run to, I had no idea, I just wanted to get away – when Hollie’s voice trickled through my shell shock. “…Amy? What do you think?”
“Uh, sorry, what were you saying?” I shook my head in an attempt to clear it.
She smiled at me. “I was just saying, I think we can pack all this stuff up now, I don’t think we’re going to get any more customers.”
“Oh,” I glanced around. There were barely any fans left – just a couple of guys still talking to Connor. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“How’d we do girls?” Derren called over; he and Kane were approaching us with a tray of coffee.
“Well, put it this way, soon you’re gonna run out of merch,” Hollie said.
“Aiden’s already on it,” Derren nodded across to where Aiden was talking on his cell. “He’s gonna get some more shipped out to us.”
“So we’re rich now?” Kane asked, grinning.
“Rollin’ in green!” Hollie joked. “Seriously though, you guys could definitely pay for hotels for the next couple nights off the back of this.” She handed him the metal lock box containing the money we’d made.
“No hotels,” Derren warned. “A
ll that cash goes back into the band.”
“You’re starting to sound just like Aiden,” Kane said.
“Well, call me fuckin’ crazy, man, but I don’t want to go back to workin’ a nine to five after this tour. We play it smart we can record the album and get a slot on another tour off of the cash we make on this tour alone.”
Just then, Connor sidled up to Derren and plucked a coffee from the tray. “Come on,” he said to Derren, although he was grinning at me. “One night in a hotel wouldn’t make a difference.”
I sensed Hollie tense a little bit next to me before she spoke quickly, “If you guys are set from here, I’m gonna go catch up with my brother.”
“Yeah, sure, thanks for helping us out, Hol,” Kane said. Derren and Connor echoed his words. She cast me a quick glance and a slightly awkward wave as she passed me.
“Bye, it was nice to meet you,” I offered.
“Yeah, you too,” she said over her shoulder as she hurried away.
After that, the rest of us took the boxes of merchandise back to the van where we were going to be sleeping that night, in preparation for an early start the next morning. The bunk in back could only be used when the van was stationary – Aiden said something about health and safety, and the fact that if someone was asleep in the bunk while we were travelling and the van had to break hard, they would probably wind up with a broken neck – so if we all wanted somewhere to spread out a little, we needed to sleep as much as we could before we set off.
Connor and I were walking a little way behind the others, when he threw his arm around my shoulders and said quietly, “Want to come on an adventure with me?”
Code for Want to come have sex someplace?
“Um...” I faltered; my head was still all over the place over what I knew Blake was doing.
He grinned at me. “Have you ever had sex in an arena?”
“Um, nooo…”
“Come on, then.”
Abruptly, I stopped walking. He took that as a green light and, resting his hands on my upper arms, brought his mouth to mine, kissing me softly before nibbling on my lower lip. His lips were familiar and warm and, out of habit, I leant in to him a little – and then a sense of wrongness hit me and I stopped short, a hand on his chest. “Wait.”
“Really? I gave you time already.”
“I know, I just…I don’t feel well.” It was true, I didn’t feel well. Of course, I couldn’t tell Connor why I felt sick.
He sighed heavily. “Right.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, “I’m just tired and –”
“Is this about before?”
I frowned in confusion. “What?”
“Our fight earlier?”
“No.” To be honest, I had completely forgotten about our fight before, my mind was too caught up in other things. “It’s just that I’m –”
“Tired, sick, yeah, yeah,” he cut me off irately. “Do you know how many girls came on to me tonight?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. I had a feeling I knew where he was going with this. “No, why don’t you tell me?” I said icily.
“A lot, alright. A fucking lot. But I turned them all down for you.”
Yeah, he went there. Jerk. I put my hands over my chest and feigned intense flattery, “Oh my God! Thank you soooo much for not screwing another girl behind my back! You are just the best boyfriend EVER!”
“You’re fucking insane, you know that?!” His face was contorted in a scornful grimace.
I was aware that Kane and Derren had turned around and were coming back across the parking lot towards us, probably drawn by the sound of our yelling.
“I just don’t think that I should have to be grateful that you aren’t off somewhere banging a random groupie!” Yes, I was deflecting my anger at Blake on to him…but in my defense he was being a jackass too.
He started backing away from me. “Know what? I’m gonna take a walk, because you are fucking impossible.”
“Connor –”
“Not now,” he cut me off as he turned away and stormed into the night.
As Connor disappeared from view among the multitude of vehicles, Derren puffed out a long breath. “Well, this is awkward.”
113
I went back to the van with Kane and Derren. When we got there, I saw that the side door was open and Aiden was making up a bed for himself on the back row of seats. Kane opened the rear doors and he and Derren put away the boxes of merchandise under the bunk.
“You sleeping like that, Amy?” Kane asked.
I glanced down at my outfit. “Um, no, I brought sweats and a t-shirt, I wasn’t really sure about the sleeping arrangements…”
“How about you change in the bunk and let us know when you’re ready? We’re gonna have to share it with you, but we’ll leave space for Connor.”
I nodded and climbed up onto the bunk, when I pulled the doors closed behind me I heard Derren mutter, “Awkward as fuck.”
I whole heartedly agreed with him.
I quickly changed and then opened the doors again. Kane and Derren had swapped out their jeans for sweats too. They climbed up and laid down next to each other at the opposite side of the van to me so that there was a sizeable gap between us. When they shut the doors behind them, we were in pitch darkness.
“So, um, there’s no way Connor and Blake are both going to fit in here is there?” I asked.
“Blake sleeps in front with Aiden,” Kane said.
Thank God! I screamed internally, Blake sharing with us would have been a whole other level of uncomfortable.
We were all silent for a few minutes before Derren broke it. “I’m sorry, but this is fuckin’ weird as shit!”
I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing at his obvious discomfort; so did Kane.
“Let’s call Hayley,” I suggested through my laughter. “Put her on speaker so I can ask her permission to share a bunk with you.”
I heard the smile in Kane’s voice when he said, “Good idea, Amy.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Derren griped good-naturedly. “You know this is weird as fuck, you feel it.” The glow of his cell phone lit up his face as he called her. When she answered, he put her on speaker like I had asked and laid the phone on his chest so that the glow lit up the inside of the van.
“How did it go tonight, babe?” Hayley’s chirpy voice greeted us.
“Really good, babe,” he answered, affection evident in his voice. “You’re on speaker with Kane and Amy too. We’re just about to go to sleep –”
I interrupted him, calling out “We’re sharing a bunk and Derren feels awkward!”
Derren snorted and shook his head at me.
“Hahaha!” Hayley’s laughter sounded down the line. “He’s SO cute, isn’t he?”
“He is,” I agreed.
“Tell him it’s okay so we can go to sleep,” Kane sounded bored but the light of Derren’s cell showed the grin on his face.
Hayley was still laughing. “It’s okay, babe, I trust you.”
Derren grunted in response but I could see him visibly relax. My eyes misted a little at how much he cared for her, how much he wanted her approval.
Hayley kept talking excitedly, “Amy, tell me about the tour! Are you loving it?! Is it fun out there?! I can’t wait ‘til I’m out there with you all!”
Despite how awful I felt about what had happened that night, both with Blake and Connor, I was still grinning at the sound of her voice. “It’s a little surreal but really exciting…you’ll love every second.”
“I’m soooo excited! I miss you guys!”
“You say that now,” Kane said. “After you’ve shared this bunk with us, you’ll be glad to see the back of us.”
We chatted and joked with her for a little while longer, before Derren took her off speaker and put the phone to his ear. I couldn’t hear her end of the conversation but it was impossible not to hear his. He told her he loved her and that he missed her, and there was no mistaking the sincerity in his voice as
he did so.
It made me happy for them and sad for myself all at the same time.
When Derren hung up, all the awkwardness seemed to have dissipated – that was the magic of Hayley. Pretty soon I heard the guys’ breathing even out and I knew that they were asleep.
But sleep didn’t come as easily for me.
I felt like a little boat in the middle of the ocean with a storm raging all around and no way of getting to land. I felt so hurt, so angry, so guilty that I could barely stand it.
And I had no idea what to do about it.
114
Connor climbed into the bunk hours after we had spoken to Hayley on the phone. As he settled down next to me I pretended to be asleep and the next morning neither of us mentioned our fight.
Blake continued to ignore me and plough his way through everything with a pulse…okay, that’s a massive overstatement, but the next night, after their show, he disappeared with another groupie.
We were in Spokane that night. It was the same deal as the night before, minus the offensive cover song and the fights. By around 2AM we were piling into the van; we were going to have to drive through the night to make the next concert in Edmonton, Alberta, the day after. Kane and Aiden had stayed completely sober so that they could split the night drive between them and then hand over to the other guys in the morning.
We were all set to go, but Blake was nowhere to be found. Aiden was calling him on his cell and leaving messages, but to no avail. Kane was sitting in the driver’s seat, anxious to leave, and Derren and Connor were sprawled across the two back rows of seats, already snoring heavily after downing a bottle of Jack between them – the bunk in back was out of bounds because it couldn’t be used when the van was being driven. I was sitting just behind the driver’s seat, on the last remaining row of available seats.
Suddenly, Blake showed up outside the van.
Aiden’s sigh of relief was audible. “I’ve been calling you for half an hour, we need to get on the road now.”