by Pepper Pace
***
Troy told her that Bob and Lorie had flown back into town and that they were at the apartment with her mother. He was so anxious for her to meet them and he talked excitedly while Robert Sr. drove them back to the apartment.
“Juicy?” Robert gave her a nervous look.
“Yes Robert?”
“I don’t know how you feel about this, but…it would be my great honor if you called me Dad—that is, if you like! My daughter and son-inlaw do.” He didn’t know how it worked in black families. He hoped he wouldn’t be insulting her or anything, with the offer.
Troy peeked at her. He didn’t know how Juicy felt about this; discussions about family always left her anxious. So when his father first broached him with the idea, he told him to go for it.
Juicy was quiet as she stared over at the older white man. Troy was in the back with the baby. “Dad?” Her lips went up at the corners. Her Momma would be so pissed if she knew that Juicy was calling some white man Dad. “I don’t remember the last time I called someone that.”
Troy’s brow went up playfully. “Remember that time-”
She glared at him. “Thank you, Robert-Dad.”
“You’re welcome, dear. You’re my daughter now and the same goes for Gladys.” Juicy felt a light-hearted happiness. This was her family, and not just Troy’s and Jazzy’s, but Dad and Mom and Lorie and Bob and their families…
When they got back to the brownstone she discovered that she had left out quite a few people from the ‘family’ list. The yard had balloons and welcome home signs and the apartment was filled with people who had thrown them an impromptu baby shower.
They promised not to stay too long so as to allow Mom and daughter to rest, but someone turned on the radio and soul music starting playing. Someone else ordered take out chicken and everyone sat around laughing and opening gifts. Troy covered her eyes and led her carefully into the new baby’s room. When he removed his hand, Juicy clapped her hands loudly and gave them all surprised looks.
The walls were a pale yellow and the windows had willowy white curtains. The white baby bed had a canopy and there was a huge white rug in the middle of the floor—but the biggest surprise is that everything was decorated with butterflies! There were butterflies hanging from the ceiling, framed pictures on the wall, the comforter had butterflies, there were stuffed butterflies on the shelves, desk, changing table as well as a dresser with a butterfly lamp on it.
There was even a white glider rocker with butterfly pillows.
It turned out that everyone had gone out to find anything that they could in a butterfly motif; it was the theme for the baby shower. Someone had even bought butterfly salt and pepper shakers!
“This is the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen…” Troy brought the glider out into the living room so that she could enjoy her company in comfort, but then when the sun set he ushered everyone out including his Mom, Dad, Lorie and Bob. “We need some alone time.” He explained and Dad promised to call in the morning before coming over.
He sighed in relief as he finished picking up around the apartment. There wasn’t much to clean. One of the girl’s from the shop had done the dishes and Troy was left with just throwing away a few paper cups and plates. Juicy held the baby and rocked in the rocker.
“I can’t believe all of the stuff we got, Juicy. I don’t know where to put it all. It won’t all fit in the baby’s room.”
They had two strollers, a play pen, walker, highchair, tons of bottles, pacifiers, diapers; cloth and disposable, all kinds of potions and powders and gels and so many clothes that he almost fell asleep as Juicy lifted each tiny article of clothing to ooh and ahh at. He was happy that they got the things, though, because he would not have known the first place to start. He certainly would not have thought about getting diaper bags to match specific items of clothing, and socks even though it was hot outside.
Juicy placed the baby in the cradle that was set up in their bedroom and then Troy took her blood pressure, it was definitely elevated. He made her lie down even though she claimed that she wasn’t tired. When he returned with a cup of tea, she was sound asleep.
The sight of her sleeping with their daughter a foot away took his breath away and for a moment all Troy could think about was that once upon a time he had been sitting in the doorway of an old abandoned building. He had seen a tall black woman with curves for miles walking quickly and confidently down the alley. Most women didn’t know how to work heels as tall as hers. He’d been a watcher of people since living on the streets and he’d seen young girl’s with wobbly ankles, appearing as if they had snuck out of the house wearing their mother’s clothes. He’d seen the women past their prime, whose bodies and legs and feet hurt and it showed in the way they walked. But this woman walked in heels as if she was a fashion model. And as he watched she had paused and lifted one shapely leg in order to fix her strap.
It was such a perfect moment that it had almost seemed contrived. He could have framed the sight of her in his hands, like a photographer would. But then she had bent and the curves of her bottom was all that he could focus on. The material hugged her in just the right, complimentary manner. Her expensive suit was both conservative and sexy, the cut of the skirt just above her knee. The sight was enough to knock through the fog of his headache and he had said out loud what his mind had been repetitively speaking; that she was beautiful, simply beautiful.
Her head had swung suddenly in his direction, and her dark, almond shaped eyes had looked at him in surprise and then narrowed suspiciously. She had asked him what he was staring at. And although his mind had responded with declarations of her beauty, his mouth had said just exactly what she had expected; an insult.
Because the look that she held for him stated what he had already come to know about himself; that he was little more than trash and for a moment he wanted her to feel the way she had made him feel.
Troy’s mouth curled into a gentle smile. One day he would tell her that story. He would tell her how beautiful she was and maybe she’d finally believe it. He closed the bedroom door and went about finding places to store the baby items.
***
Several weeks later, Juicy was burping the baby after her last bottle and Troy was lying in bed half asleep. It was just after three a.m. and it had been his turn to get up and feed her, but he hadn’t been able to get that last belch to erupt from her little belly and so Juicy had finally gotten up and taken over.
“Where’s my surprise?”
“What?” He yawned and looked at her with sleepy confused eyes.
“That day.” It was now referred to as ‘that day’, “…you said that you were going to bring me back a surprise. Where’s the surprise?”
He chuckled, eyes still hooded. “I wish I could give you a surprise; a special one that’s in my shorts, it’s big, too.”
“You are so nasty.”
“I am so horny.”
“Well I have to wait six weeks, sweetie.”
“That’s a long time, Juice.”
“Oh come on, you told me before that you’d waited years.”
He sat up, propping the pillow under his arms as he turned to watch her patting his daughters back so that she could be put down to sleep.
“I don’t know what I was going to bring you. Just something so that you wouldn’t look so depressed. Maybe a box of chocolates.”
“Just what my fat ass needed.”
“Stop.” He said. “Talking about ass is making me horny.” Juicy had already dropped fourteen pounds. Her blood pressure was slightly higher then what the doctor’s wanted to see but it was stable. Now she was focused on being healthy. When she really understood the implications of her coma it had scared her into action.
They ate healthy every day. And if you knew how to cook; the way Troy did, then healthy food tasted good! They put their daughter in the stroller and walked her around the neighborhood. Some of the people in the Brownstone, that she’d never even said h
i to before, would stop and coo at the baby.
Troy took to inviting them to come up and visit. And as they continued on their walk Juicy had asked him why he had gone and done that? Neighbors got all up in your business—
“Those are good people, Juice. They always asked about you when you were in the hospital. And plus it would be good to have a baby sitter that’s already in the building.” He did have a good point…and she didn’t realize that they’d been talking to him. She relented and actually got good tips from some of them.
Jasmine suddenly belched. It was so loud that it woke her up and she cried for a moment before sucking on her tongue and falling back to sleep. Juicy walked her into her own bedroom, making sure that the monitor light was on even though her room was just right next door and there was no way that they’d miss that little baby’s cries.
Juicy returned to the room and instead of climbing into bed, she stared at Troy. “So where’s my surprise?”
“Um…are we still talking about the box of chocolates—or the surprise in my pants?”
“We’re not talking about chocolates.”
“Don’t tease me, Juice.” He said coming awake.
“Who’s teasing? At least one of us can have some fun.”
Troy looked under the sheet and grinned up at her. “Your surprise just got bigger.”
***
Juicy was in the bathroom crying one day. It had been one month and three days since Jasmine had been born. For the most part she was very happy and satisfied with her life. At times she thought of her lost son and would feel a hollowness within the pit of her stomach and she’d get that light headed feeling that she associated with being in a coma. And then she would blame herself again for being overweight and unhealthy. She never shared these feelings with Troy. As his life story had begun to unfold and he filled her in on the empty holes of his childhood, and living on the streets she had found her own problems to be trivial in comparison.
All she knew is that she had bouts of depression and couldn’t figure out how to make them stop. Once upon a time, she thought that having her own business would do it, but it hadn’t. Having the family that she’d always longed for was great but it didn’t stop her from having to face these crying spells. Juicy knew that she needed help, and really, she had the perfect person to turn to, one that had lived his life thinking that he was mentally ill.
Yet telling your mate that you thought you were crazy was not easy and she didn’t relish laying this on him after everything else that he’d been through.
When Troy got home, Juicy had already made dinner. She wasn’t that great of a cook, but anybody could roast a chicken and bake some potatoes. She had also made a salad.
“Mmmm.” Smells good. He kissed her and then went in to peek at the baby who was napping in her swing. He had gone to visit Janet and was taking very well to her treatment. Juicy liked the Doctor, who had come by to visit Jasmine and had brought her a handmade knitted afghan.
“How was your visit with Janet?” She said while serving dinner.
He sat down at the table. “Good. Janet wants to do another stress test but this time she wants me to take some medication before hand, and this time she’s giving me good warning ahead of time.”
“Yeah. That’s good.” She picked at her chicken though Troy ate heartily.
“No appetite? Babe, I know you’re dieting and you’re losing weight really good, but you got to eat-”
“It’s not that. I’ve just been…having a lot of stuff on my mind.”
He scratched his head. “There’s been a lot going on, so that’s understandable.” But there was a quality to his voice that was wary, or maybe alert.
“Before, ‘this stuff’ happened…” ‘This stuff’ was what they called the coma and miscarriage and hospital stay.
He speared some salad on his fork and munched on it, watching her closely. “Go on.”
“I started thinking about my mother and how I’d grown up. I wasn’t always like this. I used to avoid confrontation and I never bothered people even when they worked hard to bother me. Then one day my best friend…” she looked down at her plate and tried to continue even though her voice was so low that it was barely above a whisper. “…he committed suicide.”
She felt Troy’s hand on hers. She looked up at him and he was silently encouraging her to continue. “After that, I just felt very angry. I thought I was angry at the bullies in school because they made Felix want to do what he did. But then the bullies left me alone and later there was no more school and I was still angry.”
She was able to look at him, the words coming a bit easier now. “I thought I was angry at white people, because that’s who my mother taught me to be angry at. But even when there was no white people to be angry with I still had rage inside of me.”
“Juice, who were you angry at?”
Her brow gathered into a crease in the middle of her forehead. “My Momma.”
“Do you know why?”
She nodded. “Because, my Momma had given up on everything—and even I wasn’t motivation enough for her to do better. Her blood pressure and diabetes had gotten so bad that she died from it. And I was the one who found her.” Juicy felt herself tearing up again and she really didn’t want to cry in front of Troy after all of the tears that they had shed; individually as well as together.
“I’m mad at Felix, too.” She nodded emphatically. “I’m mad because he was my only true friend and he…took himself away from me. He was the one person that I could turn to that understood me completely.” She inhaled. It felt good to unload some of this. “That’s so wrong to be mad at him. He didn’t try to hurt me. It was me that let him down. He tried to talk to me and I didn’t hear what he was saying. He told me what he needed and I just didn’t hear.”
“You mean that you didn’t save him.”
Juicy nodded after a long moment. “I’m mad at myself, too.”
“Why?”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Because I hurt people and I know that I’m doing it. It makes me feel better when I’m hurting. And I let people down…I let you down.”
“You didn’t let me down, babe.”
“When you were in the hospital you needed me and I was too busy having my own pity party that I stopped caring about anybody else.”
“Juicy, the first step is to recognize destructive behavior, okay? And you’re doing that. You can’t go back and blame yourself for a period of time before you made these realizations.” She looked at him earnestly.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you Troy. I wish that I could take that back, because I saw the way you looked at me when you first came home. I saw how much I’d let you down.”
His lips purced and then he shook his head. “We have come too far to worry about things that don’t even matter anymore. I…I love you all over again. When I almost lost you, if I had any feelings of animosity left over they disappeared. So Juicy, if that’s bothering you then please, let it go.”
She nodded. “Okay, I’ll try. But Troy, sometimes I get so sad. I can’t stop crying, everything makes me cry.”
“Aww Juicy. Isn’t that something that new mother’s get?”
“Maybe.” She said doubtfully.
“Do you want to talk to someone about it? A professional?”
“Um…I think I need to, I really do.”
“Okay.”
“But will you go with me?”