Matilda Wren

by When Ravens Fall

  Dying happened to be George’s and he suspected it was Ray’s too. The film was to be sent to Ray afterwards, to show him just how far Sean would go.

  The tin bath full of acid served two purposes. It showed Ray that Sean was outrageously crazy and it also disposed of the body quite nicely; apart from the teeth and some tougher bones. Sean could transfer them unnoticeably later.

  “Not Kenny, then… but Jarvis. We could get rid of Jarvis?” George was so desperate. He had one hand offered out to Sean in a protective; yet trying to persuade him, way and the other hand was covering his short fat penis.

  “You see George, now I have a problem. Now I think you want to take a hit out on my old friend Ken. All this talk about taking people out; it’s just not sociable.”

  He watched George fluff and gaff his way through a series of stuttered apologies and assurances that it was not what he had meant. It was all rather amusing but Sean, as always, quickly became bored.

  He fired two shots into George and watched him fall back into the acid filled tub. The sheer size of the man caused a huge splash and the acid spilled over the sides, fizzing around George’s blubber. Sean put the gun down on the floor and picked up the camera and tripod.

  He repositioned them, to the side of the bath, filming George’s body being slowly eaten away by the chemical. He watched in enthralment, as the absorption process began to take hold. Science really was a wonderful thing.

  When the body was fully submerged in the acid, the fumes finally besieged Sean and he had to go outside. He covered the bath with a plastic tarpaulin and walked out of the building, leaving his former employer to dissolve into a liquid sludge.

  As he walked across the long stone drive that led round the side of the garden, he saw Kenny walk across the lawn.

  He knew he would turn up. The old man had gone the whole night without a word and as much as he protested that Sean was out of his depth, he knew Kenny wouldn’t leave him.

  “No phone call?”

  Sean saw the look of apprehension in the man’s face.

  “Took a bit longer than I thought.” Sean replied indifferently. “It’s done now.”

  He went to walk past but Kenny grabbed his arm. “You reported in to Jarvis yet?”

  Sean pulled his arm free and thrust his face into Kenny’s.

  “When I’m ready.”

  Kenny couldn’t help looking into Sean’s eyes. Somewhere under that madness was a normal person. Kenny was sure of it and for a few undisturbed seconds, he held the boys stare but Sean’s expression didn’t alter. His features didn’t soften.

  The look of admiration and the need for approval had gone from his eyes and Kenny felt for the second time that week, the shift in their relationship.

  “This stops now. The hold you have over me, it stops here and now. I’m no longer under you. I want you in my life Kenny, but I don’t need you there”

  He went to walk away and then turned back and pointed his finger into Kenny’s chest.

  “I done this for my freedom. From Anderson, from Jarvis and from you. From here on in I don’t work for nobody but me. The girls are mine, the drugs are mine and Essex is mine. I’m not interested in anything else.”

  “You need a woman; not a fuck, a woman.” Kenny said. Sean burst out laughing then. It was the most ridiculous, random thing to come out of Kenny’s mouth.

  Kenny started to laugh as well. It was a strange sight to see, two men holding onto one another, standing on a plush manicured lawn at five o’clock in the morning, giggling like school girls.

  Kenny slapped Sean on the back. “Well then, we better go and tell Jarvis there’s a new kid in town.”

  “Nahh, I got a video that will tell him all that.” Sean patted his jacket pocket. “Let’s go get some breakie and get this couriered over to Ray. It will be a nice little delivery for him to wake up to.”

  TriaIII

  l and Retribution When You Dance With The Devil

  “What we call the beginning is often the end,

  and to make an end is to make a beginning.

  The end is where we start from.”

  T.S Elliot 1888-1965

  Chapter 12

  October 2005

  By the time Sean had driven back, from Brentwood to Sudbury, it was quite late in the afternoon. The sun was low in the sky; giving a red glow to the Essex-Suff olk countryside. Sean loved this part of the country; with its clean air, green trees and fi elds that stretched out for miles.

  Whenever he had a tiresome or monotonous day, like today, it always managed to clear the dark melancholy void that devoured him. He hadn’t intended to be away from home for as long as he had. He only anticipated visiting Kenny to give him a little job; the desperate phone call he had received from his mother afterwards, forced him to take a detour back to his old house.

  Why his sister had to cause him so much aggravation he didn’t know. He had planned to slip back into bed next to Rachel, without her ever knowing he was gone. Now, he wasn’t so sure she would still be there. He had just left without a word, or a note. What did she think when she had woken up and realised he wasn’t there.

  Would she have felt rejected? The thought tightened itself around Sean’s chest. He would never reject her. Didn’t she know that? This thought unnerved him. What if she had left? What if she had thought she had been discarded and abandoned? Had he blown the one chance he had been so franticly desperate to get?

  He had never fought for her; all those years ago when she had left. He had never told her that he couldn’t breathe without her. Why had he not gone looking for her himself?

  Essex was a small place. It wouldn’t have been hard. Why had he not? Why had he just let her walk away, into the arms of somebody else? She hadn’t left. She had moved around, to different areas, but ultimately stayed within the county borders.

  But, if he was honest, he knew the answers to all his questions. He let her walk away and had not sought her out because he knew, if she ever become conscious of who he really was, she would hate him and he could never bear to see that in her eyes, on her face. She was the only one that ever saw a glimpse of decency, kindness, wholesomeness; she was the only one that ever loved him.

  The reprieve and liberation he felt, when he walked back into the house and saw her sitting on the stairs in the hallway, was tremendously overpowering.

  “You’re still here. You stayed!” He couldn’t contain the delight and relief he knew was projecting all over his face.

  Then she smiled at him. It was all he needed. The affirmation was so extreme.

  “I wasn’t sure if I should go or stay? Mind you, I don’t really know where I am, so calling a cab wasn’t an option.

  I tried to find a letter or something with the address on but you don’t seem to have anything lying around.”

  “I guess I don’t really receive much post.” He walked over and sat down next to her on the stairs.

  As she turned and looked at him, he traced the outline of her face with his finger. It was such a delicate and intimate move and for a few seconds, he totally bore into her soul.

  “I waited so long to feel like this again Sean. It never went away, no matter what I did.”

  He kissed her then. When he reached for her, she was astonished again at how she responded to him. It was as if the being disconnected for years had created a dire urgency for each other; after missing one another, yearning for and craving one another. They made love until the sun had disappeared and their bodies were downy with sweat.

  Later, they slept in each other’s arms, something neither had done with anybody for years, if ever. Rachel was at peace and did not know why. She did not care. Sean was back in her life and she was determined that was the way it was going to stay.

  She awoke to find him watching her. Half sitting half lying, with his head resting on one arm, smoking a joint with the other, he looked startling. It was dark and the only light that came through the window was from the security lights
outside of the house; causing a beam of white yellow to glow the room. The sleep in her eyes felt thick.

  “You’re still here.” It was almost a whisper. Her stretch was such a small and feminine movement; the shine to the room gave her naked body a fresh, sun tanned look.

  “I didn’t think I would get away with disappearing again.” There was a hint of playfulness to his voice.

  Smiling, she closed her eyes again; sleep beckoning.

  She wanted to fight it; to spending every minute she could with him.

  Sean put the half smoked joint in an ashtray and placed it on the floor. Nestling down beside her, he kissed the top of her head.

  “Why do I not scare you?” It was almost a murmur, the words were spoken so quietly.

  Rachel was awake now. Her eyes were open and she saw the confusion that was running through his mind; his eyes were dilating with the torment. For a second, she thought maybe he had taken something and this was the beginnings of a paranoid rambling, but the sincerity in his face, the lines that showed the consternation of his question, wrenched at her heart.

  She fell absolutely in love with him in that instant. It had always been there, the wanting, but at that moment in time, it all became so definite. She knew what she meant to him. She always had, in the depth of her heart and mind.

  It was not that she sought the power she knew she had over him, it was the way he became somebody else, only for her.

  She knew she was the only one that received that treatment; it was reserved only for her. Nobody had ever made her feel so special, so exceptional.

  “Why would you scare me?”

  The expression changed in his face, to a solemn but earnest one.

  “I have done some really bad things Rach. It’s like something inside of me head takes over and I do nothing to stop it. I just sit back and watch it unleash. I feed off the retribution I think I need to dish out.”

  “Would you ever hurt me – or Adam?”

  The urgency in his look manifested itself in his eyes once more. The silence in the room was tangible. Every breath, every blink, could be heard.

  It seemed like forever before he spoke. “No, I would never hurt you Rach but I make choices other people don’t.

  I have to. It’s the life I lead.”

  “When you love someone, you’ll stand by them through thick and thin, forgive them for their mistakes and you’ll never give up on them… no matter what. Everybody gets to have a new life Sean; to start again. Maybe this is your chance. Maybe this is our chance.”

  “You can’t change the life you’ve lived, but you can change the life you’re living.” The profundity of Sean’s response surprised her. It wasn’t like him to come out with such a philosophical statement. He half laughed at her and half at himself.

  “Someone said it to me once. I never really got what it meant but it’s always stuck in my head. I kind of get it now though.”

  “I like it. Who was it?”

  Sean shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t too sure on how to answer her. He decided on limited information probably being best.

  “Just a wise old man… who tries to keep me on the straight and narrow.”

  “Hmmm… I would like to meet him.”

  “Maybe… One day”

  She leant in and kissed him then, but not the fervent, animalistic kiss that came from passion. It was slow and gentle; it blew him away quite literally. He knew it would always be her for him. No one else could do this to him; no one else could make him see a different life; life without inflicting degradation and mortification.

  Feebly, he pulled away from her; as much as he wanted to stay entranced in the kiss, there was so much he still needed her to affirm.

  “Our chance? You said maybe it is our chance.”

  She had said the words without even thinking about them, a Freudian slip. But she had meant them all the same.

  Maybe it was their turn, their chance, their one shot at happiness.

  Neither of them had found it being without each other.

  Was the answer so obvious? Was it blatantly staring right at them? Neither had been able to forget one another. Both had searched for anything to fill the emptiness that excavated away at them.

  She had pushed other suitors away, building barriers between herself and anybody who tried to come near. She knew he had done bad things, Essex was small and Sean’s name was well known.

  She had worked in enough pubs, bars and restaurants to have heard the stories. But she was back in his life now and he no longer needed to do the awful things he did.

  “If you want it? It’s there…” Her voice sounded more confident than she felt.

  This surprised her. She knew, above anything, she needed to be with Sean. Laying her hopes on him was such an enormous gamble.

  “More than anything Rach.”

  Kissing her, he repeated it over and over.

  “More than anything, more than anything, more than anything…”

  She had him then; completely, utterly and entirely. Sean Fergus was wholeheartedly and unreservedly enwrapped in her presence and it absolutely terrified him.

  * * *

  James Porter looked at the time; it was gone seven.

  He rubbed his eyes and sat back, in the chair he had been sitting in for the past twelve hours, staring at the computer screen that displayed a spreadsheet of data. It had made sense to him this morning, when he started to analyse it. At lunchtime, it no longer made sense and he had to start from the beginning again.

  He had just been promoted to Risk Assessment Manager, at an insurance firm in Kirkdale, a few miles from Liverpool city centre. This was his first major client and he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.

  Tiredness and hunger had set in and he wanted to go and get pissed. He was supposed to have a preliminary report compiled by the end of tomorrow for his boss and he wasn’t even through with the data yet, let alone near to producing a comprehensive analysis with recommendations.

  Deciding he wasn’t going to get anymore done tonight, he switched off the monitor. He would come in early again tomorrow. The pub was beckoning him and sleep wouldn’t be long after that. Besides, the cleaners had been hovering outside his office for the past half hour, so he took that as his cue to go.

  He grabbed his jacket and walked out of the building.

  It was dark. It had been dark when he arrived at work, just before 7 am. It occurred to him, he hadn’t actually seen daylight all day. He had sent out for a sandwich at lunchtime and, since he quit smoking, he no longer had the advantage of cigarette breaks.

  Crossing the road and heading towards the bus stop, he saw the number 39 bus proceed down the road towards him. The beauty of living in a city was that you never waited longer than a minute for a bus. They were never late. Back in his home town in Essex you could be waiting an hour between buses; sometimes more.

  It was strange to suddenly think of home. It wasn’t home anymore. He hadn’t been back there in over eight years.

  Kirkdale was home now. He had friends here and his parents and brothers visited quite often. He had bad memories of the last time he was there, sitting in his bedroom with Rachel.

  He didn’t ever want to go back. He didn’t want to think about her either. She broke his heart. He really had been in love, although he had never told her. He knew he was the rebound shag to her, but he would have gladly taken any attention she threw his way.

  He was scared when they found out she was pregnant; he was the first to admit that. But he would have come round to the idea. He would have been there for her and the baby.

  She had frozen him out though, went and had an abortion, without discussing it with him. It was his baby too.

  Didn’t he get a say in it? She blanked him out after that.

  She wouldn’t return his calls or his texts. So he came back to Liverpool, finished his apprenticeship and had been working for O’Donnell Insurers ever since. He had done well there too. It was just in this new
role, he was struggling a bit.

  He watched the lights from the shops whiz past from the bus window; their colours hurtling into one another, shattering and exploding into fragments of bright white.

  There were still lots of people milling around the streets; dashing along in a hasten mode or dawdling in a sluggish, deliberate manner. A man carrying a billboard, advertising a second hand book sale, smiled at him as the bus sailed past. James didn’t smile back. He ignored him and carried on staring; nothing making an impact, or dragging his attention to anywhere else but here.

  All he was thinking about was getting to the bar and sinking a few pints, so when the bus came to a screeching halt, James nearly fell off the seat. He silently cursed as he settled himself again. More passengers got on. An elderly lady sat herself down next to him. The smell of urine was overpowering. It made his eyes water and he instinctively put his hand to his face to try and mask it.

  The ammonia nestled into every pore of his nose; how did people get themselves into this state he wondered. He got off the bus two stops early and walked the rest of the way to the pub, no longer able to stand the odour that had permeated the enclosed space. It was a busy night and he had to fight his way through the crowd to reach the bar.

  It was one of those places that had recently under gone a refurbishment, so from the outside it looked like a traditional English public house, but when you stepped inside you were bombarded with modernity; laminate flooring, glass display cabinet’s and black and chrome finishing’s.

  Mirrored pillars replaced the original dark oak style and big lounger sofa’s were strewn in unorganised fashions; not a bar stool or wobbly table, steadied with beer mats, in sight.

  As he waited to be served, he finally caught a glimpse of why he was in such a rush to get there.

  She was a mirage as far as he was concerned, a complete fantasy. With long curly hair, the brightest red you had ever seen and florescent green eyes that seemed to sparkle in the glowing light. She was the first woman to have caught his attention since he had moved here. In fact, she was the first woman since Rachel.