The Inside Man: A Dublin Nights Novel

by Sahin, Brittney

  But now I wish I’d gone down those steps and sought Cole out. Where would I be now if I’d let Cole know I’d been there?

  Here in this prison slash mansion, I’d have to find a way to be stronger than ever. To not let Luca break me. But I also wouldn’t risk anyone else getting killed because of me.

  I opened my eyes and let the words free, imagining Cole sitting in his office in New York City, his eyes on my letter.

  To my best friend,

  It’s me. It’s the girl who left you, and the woman who is now believed to be dead.

  I don’t deserve your forgiveness, so I’m not prepared to ask for it yet. I regret so much, but I’ll always regret leaving you. I should have asked you to come with me. I should have made you part of my journey, and maybe . . . maybe I wouldn’t be in this prison right now if I’d kept you in my life.

  I thought I didn’t need another brother since I had one, and to be honest, I still don’t. But I do need my best friend, even if I’ve always wanted more than that with you. I’d take your friendship over nothing any day. And now it’s too late.

  I overlooked how lucky I was to have someone care for me the way you did. I have to believe one day I will be free, so I’m going to wait and tell you I’m sorry in person. It’s the only way. I need to look you in the eyes when the words leave my mouth.

  Your brown eyes used to twinkle. I hope they still do.

  And that mischievous smile of yours . . . that sexy grin always had me shivering.

  The way you raked your fingers through your hair when I pissed you off always had me wondering what it’d feel like for it to be my hand touching you.

  Your lips. Do you know how often I dreamed about kissing them? Of you kissing me?

  I miss you, Cole. I miss you more than the feel of sunshine on my now pale skin. I miss you so damn much.

  If I ever see you again, if I ever get a chance to say I’m sorry in person, I hope you don’t let me off the hook so easy. Please, let me earn it. I need that. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t feel bad that I’m trapped here. I’m strong. You know that, right?

  The prison isn’t that bad. The guards are nice to me. They treat me well. I’m worried about my brother, though. He thinks I’m dead. He thinks I was killed, and I’m terrified of the man he’ll become because of this. He’d started to change, but I’m worried he’ll go backward and become dark. Angry. Ruthless.

  My captor was here today, and now he knows your first name. I’m scared he’ll try and use you against me. I won’t tell him who you are. I promise. I’ll protect you with my very last breath.

  But, Cole, if I don’t see you again, if I don’t get a chance to tell you in person how much I miss you and how sorry I am . . . I hope you know. I hope you know you’ll always be the only man for me.

  Love,

  Alessia

  Chapter Five

  Cole

  Dublin – Present Day

  I swung an angry fist, missing my target. Adam had ducked out of the way too quickly, and I nearly lost my balance.

  I couldn’t get Alessia’s letter out of my head. Her words were branded in my thoughts like The League tattoo now burned on my leg.

  When I thought about Alessia inside that room in Russia writing to me, and Luca being alone with her . . . it was enough to make me spin out. To lose control.

  I turned and threw another wild punch his way, which he immediately blocked, and landed one of his own to my side. “Feck that hurts.” I scowled and sucked in a sharp breath. I rested my forearms on top of the rope of the fighting ring and took a moment to survey the gym Adam’s wife had gifted him the day he’d proposed. A few boxers worked at the black heavyweight bags. Another pair of fighters practiced martial arts on the blue mats not too far away. The place wasn’t as crowded as a normal Saturday night. Of course, it was about dinnertime.

  My focus moved to the framed photos of famous fighters on the wall. From Muhammad Ali to our local UFC hero, Conor McGregor.

  “How are you?” Adam’s question sounded more like Howaya? His accent was a touch thicker than mine since I’d moved to New York when I was a teenager. Alessia used to make fun of me for mishmashing Irish and American slang together when I was younger, but for the most part, you can’t take Dublin out of a man no matter how long he lives somewhere else.

  Adam slapped a hand on my shoulder, and I stole a look back at him, not ready to fully face him and admit defeat.

  I was still in a foul mood, and this was more about getting out my anger and frustrations than a real training session. Adam was a notorious badass in the ring, so I wasn’t sure why I thought I could actually get any shots in. He was undefeated after all.

  I was still curious who’d win if Sebastian and Adam ever faced off. Sebastian was bigger. More muscular. And he’d been trained by some of the best in the world, but my cousin was also in a league of his own.

  It’d probably be better if we never witnessed a matchup between them, especially now that Sebastian was married to Adam’s sister. Holly would lose her mind.

  “I just need a second.” My hand went to my side as I straightened and drew in a deep breath.

  “I can go easier on ya.”

  I faced Adam and accepted the bottle of water he’d extended. “Nah, I need to toughen up.” At least, that’s what everyone had been telling me since the moment I stepped into this role.

  Adam was married with a baby on the way anytime now, and although Sean, Adam’s twin, would have stepped forward as League leader, I didn’t want that for him. I was more entangled because of my connection to Alessia. I had to do this.

  “I also don’t want to knock the shite out of ya, cuz.”

  I laughed. “Like you could.”

  Yeah, he totally could.

  Adam folded his arms and crooked his head to the side, a familiar look of concern in his eyes. I polished off the bottle of water as I waited for him to drop his usual words of enlightenment on me.

  The man was an idol of mine. He’d given up his position at McGregor Enterprises and almost all of his wealth to help others. He now focused on the McGregor’s Youth Foundation, whose mission was to help kids get off the streets and onto a better path. To not fall into the hands of men like the late Donovan Hannigan. And there were plenty of men who’d surfaced to try and take over for the deceased crime boss. Alliance-connected or not, they had to be stopped.

  Sebastian may have been the protector of the city, but he did it through fear and behind closed doors, whereas Adam had publicly become the hero of Dublin—a man honored and respected, something he wasn’t comfortable with at all.

  “I heard you were at Donovan Hannigan’s old place yesterday.”

  Adam was having a hard time letting go of everything that’d transpired since the moment Donovan walked into his life when he was a teen. The crime boss had turned Adam into a fighter, but unlike what Adam was doing now by training kids, Donovan had profited off fights. Donovan’s brother-in-law had also been an Alliance leader in England. Adam had pissed off Donovan, and therefore, he’d unknowingly garnered the attention of an evil criminal organization.

  The fact there was a truce of sorts between The League and Alliance made me crazy.

  The League of Brothers, now known only as The League after Emilia Calibrisi took over for Italy, once struck a deal among the leaders to reduce bloodshed and violence. Neither group was allowed to target the other, and in exchange, The Alliance would limit their criminal activity in League cities.

  When Sebastian was forced to step down to maintain the peace, it was imperative someone else take over, or Dublin would become fair game for The Alliance.

  I wouldn’t let my home fall victim to a bunch of lowlife criminals.

  So yeah, I did need to toughen up. For Dublin. For my family. For Alessia.

  I replayed the words of Alessia’s letter in my head for the millionth time since I’d opened it. The sound of her voice, clear in my mind, mentioning so many things, including kissing
me.

  God, how I’d wanted to kiss her last night. Do a lot more than that, too.

  I wouldn’t be able to go slow. To take it easy. I’d lose control. My need and want for her was too great to be tempered. I had to learn how to if I was to have a shot with her.

  She deserved sweet. Loving. Not my particular brand of fucking.

  I had to find a way to give her that if—screw it, when—the time was right.

  I’d gotten myself stupid drunk as soon as I’d made it home last night. And after I read her letter, I had an embarrassing battle with the wall in my bathroom. As a result, the knuckles of both my hands were red and scraped up. I’d needed to feel pain somewhere other than my chest.

  “Yeah, it was a little creepy being there last night,” I finally answered. I tossed the water bottle into the rubbish bin for recycling and focused on my cousin again.

  “I’m sorry.” Adam removed one thin black glove and slapped it onto his open palm before his blue eyes connected with mine. His dark hair was spiky and slick with sweat, and his white tee clung to his frame the same as my black one did. “This is all my fault.”

  “You gotta stop blaming yourself.” And he really did need to stop.

  “How can I not? Donovan is the reason that—”

  “Yeah, you pissed off Donovan Hannigan by not throwing that fight two years ago and losing him a shite ton of money, so he ordered a hit on the family. You’re right.” I paused, remembering the events that had gone down what felt like an eternity ago.

  What none of us had known at the time was that Sebastian had been at the fight that night, and he’d put out an order of his own—the McGregor family was off-limits. Under his protection. He’d saved us then, and now I owed him. And I owed my city the kind of safety it deserved.

  “But if you hadn’t stood up to that wanker, Holly wouldn’t be married and in love now,” I added. “And Alessia would also still be stuck in a prison in Russia and believed to be dead. It was a chain fecking reaction of events that brought Sebastian into our lives, and so maybe the shittiest of circumstances can still lead to some good.”

  “When did you become the wise one?” Adam’s attention moved to the door. “Speak of the devil.”

  Devil. That’s what people used to think of Sebastian before learning the truth. It was how people needed to think of me if I had a shot at saving this city from behind the scenes. I was doing my best to become that devil, but I could never be that man with Alessia. Even if that man wanted to shred Alessia’s clothes last night. Tear them from her body like some wild beast. Wrap her legs around my hips and thrust deep inside of her right on the dance floor with her nails clawing my back.

  I had to do a better job at channeling my restraint now. It was harder to do than I remembered. But I also wasn’t the same man Alessia once knew.

  “You look like hell.” Sebastian set down his black workout bag, shirked off his wool coat, and tossed it onto a blue folding chair outside the ring. Both Adam and I joined him.

  “Still a bit hungover.” All the drinking I’d done after I got home combined with my fight with the bathroom wall, and yeah, I probably looked a shite shade of horrible.

  “Where’s Holly?” Adam removed his white tee and swapped it for a clean shirt.

  “I was having dinner with her and Alessia. They’re still there. Probably grabbing a few drinks since Emilia called and asked to join them.” Sebastian snatched his bag, ready to go change so he could have a crack at my arse-kicking. “At least J.J. came through.”

  “J.J. said Ronan, the arms dealer, is out of town,” I repeated what I’d said to Sebastian via text an hour ago, cluing Adam into our conversation. “The deal is scheduled for a week from tonight, but I don’t like waiting that long.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “But if he tries to get Ronan to come back earlier, he may set off red flags.” And that meant we didn’t have a choice but to wait. Plenty of other bad guys to deal with between now and then, anyway.

  Sebastian nodded in agreement. “Be back.” He left for the men’s locker room.

  I took off my shirt and used it to wipe the sweat from my back and chest, then put on a fresh one.

  “I should get back to Anna. I don’t like leaving her for long since she’s getting so close to the due date.” Adam’s eyes lit up at the mention of his wife and baby boy.

  “We’ll get the city fixed. You have my word. I won’t have your son growing up in—”

  “I know.” Adam appeared stoic. “I believe in you.”

  Now I just needed to believe in myself.

  Chapter Six

  Alessia

  Reminders of my past were everywhere, but at least it was the past I preferred to think about as opposed to my time in Russia.

  I still hadn’t been able to remove the lump from my throat since I’d arrived at the pub, which was located between Merrion Square and College Park, close to Trinity. All the McGregors went to school there, except for Cole and Bree, that is.

  The food was messy, high in calories, and totally amazing. Spicy chicken wings, burgers, and pizza. I had a little of each. No shame there. After four years of eating what felt and tasted like porridge, I’d earned the right to eat what I wanted.

  The family-style seating, where long leather booths stretched the length of the room with narrow tables between sets of chairs on the other side, created a more casual and relaxed environment.

  The pictures above the horseshoe-shaped bar, the pictures on the walls behind me, in front of me . . .

  They were all iconic images from famous movies. Movies Cole and I used to love. Movies that whipped up countless memories. And that damned trip down memory road was why I’d decided to drink even though I hadn’t planned on it after my date with tequila last night.

  Pictures shouldn’t get to me like this, but movies were our thing. I started hating movies after I left New York. Because, well, memories.

  “You okay?” Holly poked my arm with the little umbrella from her fruity drink.

  “Uh, yeah. Just probably overdid it last night.”

  Holly set the colorful umbrella down and toyed with the straw in her drink. She was across the table alongside Emilia.

  I shifted on the leather booth and crossed my legs. My knee bumped into the table, spilling some of Holly’s new drink. “Shit. Sorry.” I was tense. Could they tell?

  Emilia observed me, silently, as she liked to do—a million thoughts probably racing through that pretty head of hers. The woman was gorgeous. And Sean had taken notice. I was honestly surprised my brother had never hooked up with her. Also, relieved. It’d make things super awkward right now.

  Emilia’s long dark hair was in a high braided ponytail. Her lips a bright red to match her long-sleeved shirt that she’d paired with skinny black jeans and combat boots. Guys were checking her out left and right.

  Even though Holly was dressed to the nines in her pale pink Versace wrap dress and matching pumps, she had some sort of “Don’t Bother Me” stamp on her forehead, because men seemed to be scared to even look at her. To be fair, Sebastian had joined us here earlier for dinner, making it clear she belonged to him. So, unless any of these guys had a death wish . . . message received.

  “A hot guy is checking you out from the bar.” Emilia motioned with her head in his direction and muttered something in Italian, a smirk on her lips.

  “He’s probably looking at one of you two.” But when my eyes landed on him, I realized Emilia was right. He was staring at me. A little too intently. He had a Matthew McConaughey thing going for him, but when he smiled, I realized he wasn’t McConaughey from A Time to Kill but from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  Cole loved watching scary movies with me, and as much as they terrified me, having a reason to curl up into his arms and bury my face in his chest—totally worth it.

  And, of course, my thoughts were back on the only man I cared about. The real Matthew McConaughey, even a thirty-year-old version, could walk through that
door and ask to kiss me, and I’d say no.

  “She’s not interested.” Holly’s lips curled at the edges into a smile. “Right?”

  She must have assumed something happened with Cole last night after she’d seen us dancing. “I’m not interested in anyone right now.” Yeah, that was a lie. “I, um, need to go to the bathroom.” I maneuvered off the seat and away from them as fast as I could without tripping in my heels.

  Walking in heels was taking longer to get used to than the feel of expensive clothes. Holly and Adam’s wife, Anna, had fully stocked my walk-in closet with amazing outfits when I returned to Dublin. They even had the decorator convert my closet into something that looked like it came from the set of Sex and the City. White built-ins, gorgeous Brazilian wood floors, a stunning chandelier, and a white leather bench in the middle of the closet. Every day I stood in that room trying to figure out what to wear when nothing felt like me anymore. I was grateful they’d taken the time to do that for me, and honestly, if they hadn’t put the outfits together, I probably wouldn’t remember how to dress myself.

  Some strange part of me missed the boring comfort of khaki and cotton. A therapist would read into that and offer me some psychobabble bullshit while dissecting my time in prison. Holly and Sebastian had been pushing me to get help of some kind, but I wasn’t ready for that.

  I hurried into the bathroom and washed my hands, taking way more than the recommended twenty seconds even though I didn’t actually use the toilet, but I needed to kill some time.