The Taste of Her Words

by Candace Knoebel

  He groaned and muttered something about being disappointed in her, then tried to brush a mosquito away from his face, nearly falling forward from the motion.

  Her hands flew up in the air. “Lord, I don’t know what the bartender was thinking when she served him those last two shots. She should have noticed a drunk when she saw one,” she hissed under her breath before turning back to him. “Josh,” she snipped, hands on her hips.

  The firmness in her tone was like a whip to my blood, striking an electric jolt to my system.

  She dropped in front of him, trying to find his eyes.

  He barely lifted his head. “Hey, sis,” he slurred. “Doncha you think… not for a… that ya won this…” He paused, head swirling in small circles as he finished. “Why you always tryna… tryna…?” His chin fell to his chest again.

  Lights out.

  She looked over at me, smiling tightly, and then exhaled when I shrugged. “Oh, little brother of mine… whatever am I going to do with you?”

  “Can you move the stuff in the passenger seat to the trunk?” I asked the driver as I peered in through the backseat. “We have four people. We need that extra spot.”

  “No, sorry,” the man said, looking and smelling like he rarely showered. “My trunk is full.”

  My nerves flared. “But I ordered a ride for four people.”

  The man turned his head, looked at the backseat, and said, “You could make it work.”

  There was no way. Not without someone sitting on someone else’s lap. Judging by Josh and his chick’s state, that wasn’t about to happen.

  I jogged back over to Josh. “I got him,” I said to Andy. She was trying to get his arm over her shoulder to lift him with no success.

  She looked at me. “Thanks.” Her eyes had taken on a darker hue from their normal blue-flecked copper. Grays and blues swirling like a raging sea. She blinked and moved to the blonde. “Okay, up you go,” she said, helping the girl to stand.

  Josh was deadweight in my arms.

  Just like old times, I thought. He was always the first to drop. He could be fine one second, and then three sheets to the wind the next. But there was something different about this time. The way he chased those last two shots with another beer felt like he he’d been trying to chase away a demon.

  I readjusted his weight, practically dragging him to the car. It was too hot for this shit. The night air was so thick it felt like I was breathing through a hot wet cloth. It was killing my buzz.

  He groaned, the sound sickening.

  “If you throw up on me, Josh, so help me…”

  I set him in the backseat, then grabbed his legs and folded them in as best I could. Andy came up behind me, the blonde laughing and hiccupping in her ear, her eyes wide and focused on the backseat.

  I could tell she’d done this a time or two.

  I stepped aside so she could tuck her in. Josh and the girl were sort of laying on each other, taking up the whole backseat in a tangle of legs and arms.

  “You guys getting in?” the driver asked, fingers impatiently tapping the steering wheel.

  “I can call for another one,” I said to Andy as she stared at the lack of space in panic. “There’s no way all of us will fit.”

  “You’re right. Do it.” She turned and headed over to the hay to sit, head in her hands.

  “We’re going to take another. You have the address?” I asked the driver.

  “Yeah.” He took one look at them and added, “It costs extra if they get sick.”

  “That’s fine.” I shut them in. Dragging a hand over my face, I mumbled, “As if you’d be able to tell the difference in that mess of a car.”

  After sending the driver off, I ordered our car, which was about five minutes away, and then moved to where Andy sat. I’d wanted to choke the words from Josh’s mouth when he scolded her like that. When he took the smile I’d worked so hard to get and squashed it, pushing her back into that dark hole she loved to hide in.

  For a moment, I saw her again, the same wild girl with big dreams and an open mind. And I was going to kiss her. She knew it, and she wanted it just as much as I did.

  If I could get her there once, I could do it again.

  “Did you have fun?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest as I leaned against the pole. My shirt was beginning to stick to my back, the air humming with the sound of flying bugs and singing crickets. There were a few people huddled near their cars in the parking lot, shouting at each other, but I kept my eyes on her.

  She looked up, her face adorably inquisitive. “Hmm?”

  “Tonight… did you have fun?”

  The corner of her mouth lifted, an unmistakable smile. I marveled.

  “I did.” She tilted her head to the side a little, eyes drifting in thought. “You?”

  “Yeah.” I watched her every movement. The way her hair was beginning to stick to the sides of her face. The way her shirt clung to her small frame, beads of sweat lining her neck. She leaned forward, swatting something away from her ankle, filling my line of sight with cleavage.

  My mouth watered.

  As if she could sense me, she looked up. I cleared my throat, shifting in my stance. I couldn’t tell if she’d caught me staring or not. Her fingers found the tendrils of hair stuck to the side of her face and moved them away, exposing the delicate lines of her collarbone.

  If she only knew what she did to me. What every perfect square inch of her body did to me.

  I could barely think straight, let alone find a way to convince her we were right for each other without coming off like I was in it for the wrong reasons.

  “The car is here,” she said a second later, standing from the bale of hay. She headed to the curb. When she walked past me, her spicy floral scent hit me like a siren’s call. I stopped in front of her, nerves tingling, and opened the door.

  After we were in and the driver pulled out of the parking lot, I looked over at her, searching her eyes.

  It was game time.

  “Andy, listen. I only came back to see you. Only you.”

  No more games. No more torture.

  I felt her body tense against the seat. “Dean,” she said, her tone sympathetic and pleading as she nodded in the direction of the driver who eyed us in the rearview mirror.

  She was right. A third set of ears chiming in where they didn’t belong wasn’t ideal. I’d never do that to her, so I chewed my words and waited.

  If I could wait five years, I could wait twenty minutes more.

  The ride was long and weighted, the backseat enshrouded in darkness from the lack of light. Everything I wanted to say sat in my throat, waiting for the chance to be free. I didn’t want to push her away, but I couldn’t keep pretending.

  She was hot and cold, and maybe if I put my heart on the line, then she’d feel safe enough to put hers there as well.

  I sighed with relief when the driver pulled through the gates and rolled to a stop just out front. The porch light was on, but there wasn’t a soul in sight. Josh must have made it inside, because all the lights were out in the windows.

  “Here you go,” the driver said as Andy opened the car door.

  I leaned forward to tip the driver. “Thanks, man,” I said, and then I got out, following Andy up to the porch.

  Her form was draped in light, hand on the door handle when I said, “Just hear me out.”

  Her body tensed again, but she didn’t leave.

  “What’s wrong with what’s happening between us?” I asked, moving up the steps, the distance between us stretching further than the few feet we stood apart. “It’s real. You and I both know this.”

  She looked at her hands, hair shielding her face. “Why can’t you just let it be?”

  Her voice was a quiet plea. A white flag.

  My heart folded in on itself. “Because what happened back there at the bar… that wasn’t just the alcohol talking. You know it,” I replied, wishing she could read my thoughts the way I read her words.r />
  She didn’t move.

  “Andy…” I said, calling her to look at me. To see that what was between us was nothing more than open space. Space we could fill and be happy in… together.

  She turned, just a fraction, and everything I felt pushed through my gaze. The dance floor. The millions of talks we’ve had. The kiss…

  I watched her reticence dissolve under the weight of our truth. Her mind might be able to deny what was between us, but her body couldn’t.

  And neither could her heart.

  “I know you, Andy,” I said, making my tone softer. Wishing I could pull her close and show her what she didn’t want to hear. “You’re just letting what everyone else would think fill your head.”

  Her eyes squeezed shut, pain stitching her eyebrows together. “Dean, please,” she said, voice trembling. “You have me confused with a dream. I’m not the person you think I am. I’m not that same woman, okay? You have to… you have to stop.”

  My throat clamped. “But you are, Andy. She’s just buried under too many years of bullshit.”

  She pulled her bottom lip in, tears swimming in her beautifully dark gaze. “And she’ll stay buried there.” There was no room for budging in her tone. “Please, don’t make me keep saying it. Believe it or not, I don’t like hurting you.”

  I stared at her for a moment as everything I felt slammed against a wall. As the burn of her words shredded my heart. I couldn’t keep doing this. Couldn’t keep being pulled in by her only to be pushed away again. She had to see this… to see me. Otherwise, she was right.

  I had to let her go.

  “You can say anything you want, Andy,” I said, trying not to lose my resolve in her boundless gaze. “So say it. Go on. Say you don’t see me like that. Admit you don’t want me to kiss you again. Tell me you aren’t curious.”

  She glared at me as her fingers began to tremble, chin taking on a dimple as her lips fought to speak.

  “You can’t, can you?” I said, seeing everything I felt reflected in her gaze. “You can’t because you know what I say is true.”

  Her eyes dropped as the truth fell away, replaced by restraint. “I have to go,” she said, turning the handle.

  I stood there in the doorway, defeated, as I watched her slip away. There was nothing more I could do. I’d given it my best shot. Given everything I’d stored for years. It was up to her now.

  She had to choose.

  It was quiet, the lights dimmed throughout the house as I shut the front door. I didn’t expect anyone to be up at two in the morning, so I kept my steps light and slow. Everything she said passed through my mind like a freight train, ramming into the sides of my mind in bursts of pain.

  All those years. All those words. How could she so easily ignore them?

  Heading up the stairs, I knocked on Josh’s door, but he didn’t answer. A second later, I heard something crash and then a heightened giggle from the blonde.

  Guess he wouldn’t be swimming.

  When I was in my room, all I could think about was Andy. What she was doing. If I should go to her. If I should leave. I couldn’t sit still, so I changed into my trunks and headed downstairs. I didn’t want to sit alone in my thoughts. Didn’t want her crowding my mind anymore.

  When I made it to the end of the stairs, I saw Andy there, waiting in her swimsuit, clutching a towel to her chest.

  Fire spread through my nerves as I drank her in. The paleness of her thick thighs. The way her waist curved like an hourglass up to her ample breasts.

  She came. She chose.

  My heart could have floated to the sky.

  A flurry of emotions passed over her face until her shoulders hung. “I’ve screwed up, Dean,” she said quietly, her voice carrying the weight of the world. “I know I’ve put the thought in your head. And, yes, I did let myself go on the dance floor… I just… this has to stay a friendship. I can’t lose that. There are so many reasons why this wouldn’t work.” Her lashes lifted, her infinite gaze imploring me to understand. “I can’t… I can’t lose you.”

  Was that what this was all about? Fear? The pressure in my chest lightened as the reality of what was happening set in. This wasn’t over. It never was.

  She was here because she wanted me to prove it to her.

  She looked at me, as if waiting for me to agree, but I didn’t move as her chest lifted and fell in uneven motions. Whatever she was working through in her head, I’d wait. Forever if I had to.

  She fidgeted. “Are you going to say something?”

  I stole a breath and squared my shoulders. “I’m waiting for you to list the reasons why this can’t work.”

  Her face pinched as she huffed, shaking her head in small motions. “Well, you… you know the reasons,” she said, her hands in the air, pointing to something I couldn’t see.

  “I do?” I asked, still waiting for the grand reveal.

  “Yes.” She brought her hand up and stuck one finger in the air. “For one…” She stared at her finger, eyebrows pulling together in annoyance.

  I gave her a minute, watching her fumble for something solid to throw in my direction, and then I asked, “Are you done?”

  She staggered back a little. “Am I… done?”

  She gave a sharp nod and went to turn, but I caught her by the elbow, halting her. “I have a few things to say in my defense.”

  She opened her mouth with what I knew would be more excuses, but I tapped her on the nose and said, “You had your chance to speak. I didn’t interrupt. Now it’s my turn.”

  She crossed her arms as if shoring herself up against the tidal wave of emotion sure to hit her.

  And she wasn’t half wrong.

  “You’ve no idea how much I’ve pined over you since I was a teenager. The nights I lay in bed and all I could see was your face. Lips turned into a smile over a joke I told you, or the way your eyes lit up when we talked about the latest book one of us read. You might not remember it, but I do. I’ve worshipped you, Andy. Burned for you, and then, because God can be so fucking cruel, I got one taste of you before you ran.

  “You’ve told me all the reasons why it wouldn’t work. Now let me tell you one reason why it will… I love you. I’ve loved you for what feels like my whole life. You can either take it or leave it, but it won’t change how I feel or the fact I want you so bad I ache. The last decade of my life hasn’t changed it, so I’m pretty sure your hollow excuses won’t make any difference either.”

  She placed a hand on my chest, fingers trembling. I felt the slightest sway toward me, but then she was running.

  Running from me and from love.

  Running from the truth.

  12

  K I S S

  Eyes deep like water,

  Let me dive into your ocean,

  Swept in by the undercurrent of your kiss.

  I DOVE HEAD-FIRST INTO the pool, the water sparkling under the light of the moon.

  Silence overcame me as the water swallowed me whole, drowning my thoughts. For some reason, it made me want to cry. Made me wish I was living in another world where I could have the things I wanted. Where I could try on a different lifestyle in hopes of obtaining that ever-evolving happiness every person continued to search for.

  I swam for the surface, took in a huge breath, and then dove back under, swimming toward the deep end. The water seemed to vibrate. When I opened my eyes, Dean was swimming in my direction.

  We came up somewhere in the middle, almost colliding. His presence alone seemed to fill the open space. The man with eyes only for me and lips that held all my secrets. I couldn’t get around him.

  Truthfully, I didn’t want to.

  “I know you, Andy,” he said, the pain in his eyes stopping me as my toes skimmed the bottom of the pool. “You like to think your way out of any form of happiness you deserve if it sounds too good to be true. You did it when my parents offered to sponsor you in the poetry contest when you were younger. And again, when you took the college offer in Nas
hville instead of that prestigious university in New York you were accepted to.”

  “Dean, I—”

  He waded forward, the water rippling around me. “I know you used to save your Easter prizes and Halloween candy and give it to the neighbor kids down the road… the ones who could barely afford to patch the holes in their trailer.”

  My eyebrows dipped as I thought back to those days. He… he’d noticed?

  “I know you liked to ride your bicycle with your hands straight out and your head tilted back so the sun could brush your face. Your hair was like silken chocolate in the breeze,” he recalled, reaching his hand up to my face as he closed the gap between us.

  I didn’t pull away, my heart thumping to the rhythm of his words.

  “You used to pick all the cheese off the pizza before you ate it. And you traced words into the clouds on the back lawn for hours. You used to smile. To laugh.” His thumb grazed over my chin, tilting my face until my eyes met his. “I know you’re stubborn and hardheaded. You’re sometimes pessimistic and too hard on yourself. You have high expectations, and your thoughts run deeper than the ocean. I know you won’t go down without a fight… just like me. And I know you strive to prove yourself to everyone… just like me.”

  Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes, swelling over my cheeks as I felt my reserve slipping.

  His tone deepened as his eyes moved over every inch of my face. “I also know you liked to write poems and hide them in the hole in the tree. I… I found some. I kept one.”

  “You kept one?” I asked, feeling the shell around my heart begin to melt.

  He pulled me closer, our legs brushing as we hovered in the water. “I found you in between heart beats, inside a caught breath, hiding behind a cage of bone. Dance with me, you said. Find our rhythm home.”

  My heart expanded, filling up on his words, drunk with felicity as I realized what he’d just recited. “I wrote that poem a long time ago for my imaginary prince charming.”

  I could barely breathe, thoughts scattering under the heat of his gaze.

  “I found it when I climbed the tree,” he confessed, his lips so close I could see them quivering. “It spoke to me. Made me feel something. The way you write things, Andy… it’s so beautiful. Deep. I knew it was private and I should have put it back, but…” He hitched his shoulder and continued. “I just… I felt like I knew you. Even then. Like I understood you, and I didn’t want to put it back. I wanted to keep a piece of you.”