by Ayres, Jamie
This thought should’ve creeped me out, but it didn’t, and that’s what scared me most of all.
“It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others;
sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.”
—Nate’s Thoughts
he next four weeks flew by in a blur. Nothing new happened. School ended, my finals aced. The usual summer tourists flocked to the Bookman, so my work schedule increased from twenty to forty hours a week. I checked in on Conner, and Nate, every day. But there still hadn’t been any change in Conner’s condition, and his parents or Nate’s parents were always there when I visited, so Nate and I didn’t talk much. I figured that didn’t matter, since he knew all my thoughts anyway. He tried calling and texting me a few times, but I hadn’t answered. The whole idea of wanting to flirt with him confused me, and I didn’t need any more complications in my life right now.
So when I finished vacuuming the store at quarter till closing time on Wednesday night and felt a tap on my shoulder, I then yelped in surprise when I saw Nate staring back at me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Med Team Nate said I was finally free to go home, so, naturally, I came straight to you.”
I looked him over from head to toe. He wore jeans sporting holes in the knees and a Batman T-shirt fraying at the hem. Aside from a bandage on the left top corner of his forehead and a cast on his left arm, he looked completely fine.
“Thanks. So how’s it going?” he asked with more enthusiasm than a normal guy who barely knew me should. No doubt he heard my thought about him looking fine, thanks to the supernatural ability God seemed to have gifted him with. And I did think he looked fine, in more ways than one.
I scoffed. “Like you don’t know!”
“So I have a gift, eh?”
A smile crept across my face, despite my efforts to keep the gesture hidden.
Mrs. Moreno, Nic’s mom, cleared her throat as she dusted the shelves nearby.
“Um, listen, we’re kind of trying to close up the store. So unless you intend to buy something, do you mind waiting for me outside?”
“As a matter of fact, I did come here for something.” He leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the cheek, then headed toward the children’s literature section with a crooked gait.
Both his kiss and his walk were awkward, but at least the latter had a reason for it. I couldn’t think of a good one for why he kissed me.
“Because I wanted to,” he called across the store.
Wrapping the cord around the handle of the vacuum, I blushed as I passed Nic washing the windows.
She eyed me suspiciously and whispered, “You’re totally crushing on jerkface!”
“What? I am not. I love Conner.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t like somebody else.”
“Will you please shut up? He can hear my thoughts!”
I rushed back to the storage room and thought about hiding out until eight o’clock, but I didn’t want to get on Mrs. Moreno’s bad side. Instead, I headed to the front desk and waited for Nate so I could close out the cash register. A minute later, he limped toward me with an armful of picture books.
Cringing at the sight of him straining to carry all the books under one arm, I rushed over to help. “What have we got here?”
“Pop-ups are my favorite, but you’re running low on those, so I had to compromise.”
I laughed while I started ringing up the books. “I’ll make a mental note to order more now that you live here. Not what I pictured you reading, though.”
“What did you picture?”
“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps something from our romance department with a bodice-ripping cover.”
He snorted. “Oh great. So your first impression of me is I’m some bimbo not capable of understanding a complex sentence or being able to string more than three words together without giggling?”
I faux laughed. “Looks like you have a perfect memory, too. Seriously, who are these books for? Oh, and your total is seventy-four dollars and twenty-three cents.”
He took a wad of four twenties out of his pocket. “I thought I’d buy some books to keep at the hospital for the kids.”
Aww, he’s buying books for sick kids? That’s pretty sweet.
Nate shrugged. “I noticed some of the books in the playroom were outdated. These looked good. You guys definitely need to stock up on your pop-ups and comic books, though.”
“Duly noted.” I smiled at him despite the nervousness that came from being around him.
He smiled back, looking happy and also like he had smiled at me from the other side of this counter many times before. Again, I couldn’t say why.
“Olga, you can take off a few minutes early to go out with your new friend if you want,” Mrs. Moreno said from behind me.
Oh, great job, Mrs. M. Throw me to the wolf like a piece of meat!
But Nate’s smile was as big as the state of Texas. I couldn’t deny him anything with a grin like that, especially after buying all those books for sick kids.
“Okay, thanks.” I turned back to Nate. “Just let me grab my purse from the back room.”
The floors creaked behind me, part of the store’s charm in my opinion, and I knew Nic was following me.
“Do you need me to come with you as backup, or do you trust this guy?” she asked as I retrieved my bag from an empty drawer in a filing cabinet and slipped on my hoodie.
“Naw, I’m good.”
“Okay, just call or text me as soon as you’re home to fill me in on all the juicy details.”
“This isn’t a date. I’ll probably just hang out at the boardwalk with him for an hour, and that’ll be the end of it, so don’t get your hopes up.”
She narrowed her honey-brown eyes at me. “Whatever you say. Just call me.”
I waited while Nate finished some small talk with Mrs. Moreno about the area beaches, restaurants, and such. Nic followed us to the front door to lock up, and as she did, she grabbed my arm just before I stepped out.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she whispered in my ear.
What’s wrong with her? We were not going on a date.
Then she peered around me. “Nice meeting you, jerkface. Treat my girl right.”
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, Nicole.” He put his arm around my waist as she shut the door with a wink. “So, where are you taking me for our first official date?”
I smiled. “Not a date. But if you’re okay to walk a little bit, we can catch the world’s largest musical fountain show at the boardwalk. It’s about a half mile’s walk from here, or did you drive?”
“I had my parents drop me off. They can pick us up when we’re done, too.”
“The way you drop money on books, I figured you’d have a sweet ride of your own.”
“Well, my dad let me use his car until I totaled it last month. I lost my license for a year because of the accident, too. Hang on a sec; they’re waiting in my mom’s car. I’ll give them these books and tell them to pick us up in two hours. That’s all the time they’ll give me.”
Slowly, he made his way over to a BMW. Yep, rich. He rested the weight of his body against the vehicle as he spoke to his parents, the passenger side door open. His mom handed him a pill and water, and he took a few swigs from the bottle before handing it back to her. I watched as his mom made him put on a black sweater over his T-shirt. After a minute, he checked his reflection in the window and limped back to me, his parents beeping once as they drove away.
I bit my lip as we started our walk. “Are you sure you’re up for this type of exercise?”
“Olga, I’ve been cooped up in the hospital for a month. The fresh air is nice, as long as you don’t mind walking very slowly with me.”
“Don’t mind at all. Will give me a chance to get to know you better, since you already know so much more about me with your unfair mind-reading advantage.”
“Sorry, but life isn’t fair,
right?”
Every hair on my body stood on end with the truth of his statement. “I’m sorry about my flippant remark earlier. I should’ve thought about the whole driving thing before I asked.” The electricity from being so close to him reminded me of the charge I felt before lightning struck Conner, and I tried to shake it off. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Nate shook his head. “Why? Talking about it won’t change the fact that Bo died.”
“I know, but I thought God brought us together for that purpose, remember? So we don’t feel so alone all the time.” Although, I’d done a crappy job of being there for him the past month.
Neither one of us said a word for a few moments.
“I guess,” he said finally.
“In case nobody has told you this yet,” I said quietly, trying to sound reassuring, “what happened was an accident. That means it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t drag race by yourself.”
He looked over at me, his watery eyes meeting mine. “That’s just it, though. He never would’ve drag raced if I didn’t start the whole stupid thing. Bo should’ve been the one who got to live, not me.”
“Maybe you’re right. But the bottom line is you’re here. That must mean something.” I picked a piece of lint off my hoodie.
Sighing, he scrubbed a hand over his face. “What does it mean exactly?”
“That the universe isn’t through with you yet. Maybe God has a bigger plan for your life than he did for Bo’s.”
He looked down, kicking a rock off the sidewalk with his good leg. “I know. But I keep thinking about Bo’s parents, his siblings, his friends, his girlfriend. How much they miss him. I barely knew him, and I miss him. Then I feel even guiltier because now I’m glad I’m not there, in the same town, where they’d all be looking at me with their sad faces.”
“You think they blame you for the accident?”
“I don’t know. I never saw them. Only the police visited me in the hospital during their investigation, issued me some hefty tickets. They held his funeral on my last day in town, but my doctor there wouldn’t release me for it. Again, I felt guilty for having the excuse. But it doesn’t matter if they blame me or not; I do enough blaming for all of us. My guilt is the one thing I have left to hold on to in this world.”
Placing my hand in his, I said, “Not anymore.”
He gave me a small smile. “Thanks.”
“So, what’s next? I mean, you’re out of the hospital and that’s good, but I imagine you’re still hurting pretty badly.”
“Yeah, I’ll need physical and occupational therapy for the rest of the summer. A lady will come to my house for that part.”
I tilted my head to the side, trying to offer some words of sympathy. “I guess you’re lucky to have the summer off to heal at least. When do you get the cast off your arm?”
He shrugged. “Not sure. Could be another three weeks or a total of three months. There will be plenty of doctor appointments and specialists to visit as we figure out stuff. Plus, my mom is forcing me into counseling with some lady named Dr. Judy at the hospital, since I refuse to talk to my parents about the accident.”
My mouth fell open. “You’re kidding? My mom has been trying to get me to see her for months now.”
“You haven’t gone, though?”
I rubbed my eyes, then adjusted my glasses. “No thank you. I don’t feel like rehashing the details of the worst day of my life.”
He nodded. “Right? My parents and I will already be dragged through months of lawyers, courts, and mediation meetings, going over every single detail of the accident repeatedly. I’ve been holed up in the hospital for a month already, ready to climb the walls. My mom says I’m suffering from emotionally regressive behavior, though, so she won’t take no for an answer with the counseling thing.”
“What does regressive behavior mean?”
He let go of my hand and wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. “You saw how neat I kept my side of the room at the hospital. I’m just fixated with controlling every little thing. I guess because I can only control the little things at this point. I’m trying not to be a jerk to my parents, but I can’t stop myself from snapping at them constantly. Doesn’t help that I can’t sleep unless I take some pills. And even then I wake up screaming.”
Before I knew what I was doing, I wrapped my hand in his again. I could see in his eyes all that he’d been carrying around. For the first time since Conner’s accident, I felt more sorry for someone else than I did for myself.
“Do you ever feel like you’re losing your mind?” he asked, our gazes meeting.
“You know I do.”
“Oh yeah, you’ve lost your mind to me.” He smiled at that, his entire face settling with affection and understanding.
I let out a shaky laugh because, once again, the notion didn’t seem too terrible. Relaxing a little, I changed the subject to other things. One, because I didn’t want to focus on my feelings too much around him. Two, because I was very eager to learn more about this mystery guy.
“At the hospital, the other day, I heard you mention to the nurse something about being in an indie rock band in your hometown.”
Music and the smell of hot dogs and roasted peanuts wafted through the air, signaling we were close to Waterfront Stadium now.
He glanced at a rusty shop sign swinging in the wind. “Yeah, I was lead vocalist and guitarist. We called ourselves the Sidewalk Poets.”
This similarity between him and Conner jarred me. “Conner does the singing for an indie band here with his friends Sean and Kyle. Plays guitar, too.”
“Yeah?” He tripped on an uneven part of the sidewalk, and I quickly caught him. He slid an arm around my shoulders, smiling. “For support,” he told me. “Well, this sucks. I was kind of hoping to play my musician card to make you fall in love with me instead.”
I shuddered from the wind whooshing off a passing car. At least I told myself the tremble was from the car, and nothing to do with Nate’s comment at all.
“What’s the name of their band?”
“Cantankerous Monkey Squad.”
He barked out a laugh. “How’d they come up with that?”
My gaze traveled to the brick buildings lining the street. “He saw one of those cymbal-clanging monkeys in a shop here one day. He thought of Angry Chimps first, but after some brainstorming, the guys decided on the name they have now. I gave them the cantankerous part. What’s the origin of your band’s name?”
“Well, from about the time I turned ten, I wrote poetry. Even though most of my poems were complete junk, as I got older, I figured I could make them sound better by turning them into songs, so I did. The first time we played, the band consisted of me and one other guy, and we set up on Main Street and left my guitar case open. We made sixty dollars. We thought we were cool walking home with thirty dollars in our pockets for playing pretty terrible stuff. So we came up with a name for ourselves and started playing on the street most Friday nights.”
“You must be very well read. I mean, you quoted Helen Keller and a poet the other day, and you write poetry. No offense, but you don’t seem like the type who’d sit long enough to read much.”
“Well, what’s much? I don’t read typical stuff, though. I study philosophy books written about the great thinkers like Confucius, Plato, and Aristotle. They’re my own personal heroes.” He paused, sucking in a few deep breaths. “What about you? You have a hero?”
Inhaling a deep breath of my own, I noticed how the air smelled cleaner, and I wondered if the difference had anything to do with Nate embracing my world. He seemed to have such a pure spirit, so full of life, even if he had gotten the wind knocked out of him recently. “Jesus. Mother Theresa. People who live simple lives but do extraordinary things. Most people would probably find that ridiculous.”
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous.”
Someone honked in the distance, making me jump. “So what do you like to do when you’re not playing music?
”
He shrugged. “Play video games or watch movies.”
“But you’re an adrenaline junkie, too.”
Sweat trickled down his temple. “The drag racing gave me away, eh? Yeah, my idea of exercise isn’t pumping iron at the gym. I’m always skateboarding, kneeboarding, snowboarding. Depends on the season. I guess, once my legs are better, I’ll have lots of opportunity to hone my boarding skills, since I can’t drive anywhere.”
I smiled. “You’ve found your silver lining. Are you going out for any sports when we start school in the fall?”
“Nah, I never got into team sports. Tried baseball and soccer for a season, but I don’t like being told what to do by the man.” He said the last two words using air quotes.
Finally, we reached the boardwalk. Our small town had made its annual metamorphosis into a tourist trap. The boardwalk was crowded, the surrounding green and Waterfront Stadium even more so. Big bands occupied the summer months in Grand Haven with dances scheduled every Wednesday evening at the stadium. Tonight, a national jazz artist drew lots of dancing. Suddenly, I become an epileptic at a light show concert, my vision reduced to stuttering bursts that sent me grabbing onto Nate.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Just feeling light-headed.” I closed my eyes, thinking of how I’d been here with Nate before. I was sure I knew him from somewhere but felt equally sure that knowing him was impossible. Forgetting things, especially people like him, wasn’t in my character.
I felt Nate’s hand move from my shoulder to my head, smoothing down my hair. His black sweater was soft on my face and smelled like fresh laundry.
“In a strange way, it makes sense we’d know each other,” Nate whispered. “I can read your mind, which should be impossible. That kind of opens up all kinds of possibilities, doesn’t it?”
When I felt his lips gently brush the top of my head, I got dizzy again but for a whole ‘nother reason. “You’re right. The quickest way to figuring this all out may just be to hang out with each other.”