by Ayres, Jamie
I curled up in the desk chair and watched him for a moment. “Okay. What do I do?”
“The first step is making your mind completely blank and empty.”
“How do I do that exactly?”
Nate’s eyes were wide and earnest. “First, I release all my worries from the day. Then, I recite a short, positive message over and over again until my mind grabs ahold of it, and then I get rid of all my thoughts and emotions.”
“I’m having a hard time picturing this working.”
“Look, let’s just start. Practice makes perfect. Start with taking long, deep breaths. Relax and feel any pure energy coming to you until your mind is a blank slate.”
I twisted the Morticia Addams ring on my finger, the one Conner gave me on my sixteenth birthday, while Nate pulled out his phone and played some soft instrumental music.
“To help create an environment of relaxation,” he explained. Putting one open palm on my knee, he said, “Let’s begin then.”
He closed his eyes, and I did the same, placing my hand on top of his. Hearing his deep breaths, I matched his inhales, holding for a count of three, then exhaled. I confessed all my sins to get rid of my worries like Nate suggested, then recited the words of St. Francis because they spoke to me in the moment: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.” I imagined all my thoughts drifting away in a little cloud high into the sky until it disappeared.
And then.
I’m sitting on the couch in Kyle’s living room. Music throbs in my ears and shakes the halls as Nate belts out the lyrics that Conner wrote for the Cantankerous Monkey Squad song, “Return.” I glance at the people gathered for the first house party of the school year. Mostly the stoner nonconformists clique litters the green carpet, moshing as Nate hits all the right notes. I notice a cheerleader named Brittany sitting on a Detroit Lions inflatable chair in the corner, practically foaming at the mouth while she watches Nate sing. Tammy passes around a plate of cookies in the kitchen off to the left. Dave, a guy from my Driver’s Ed class this semester, offers me a beer, and I turn him down. Several people on the back porch play a drinking game called Quarters by the Keg.
Nate walks toward me after he sets down the microphone, his eyes pleading. “Olga, I always see you.”
He extends his hand, and I take it, letting him lead me toward a bright light.
The vision left abruptly, and Nate and I opened our eyes, gasping.
“What the heck was that?” I shrieked.
“No clue.”
“So you saw that, too?”
“The party scene? Yep.”
“Well, of course you did. You read my mind.”
He shook his head. “It wasn’t like that. I saw it for myself.”
“But you didn’t manipulate that creepy vision, make me see what you wanted?”
He looked at me, his face free from expression, his eyes full of hurt. “How?”
Zipping up my sweater, I said, “I don’t know, with that freaky mind connection.”
“No, that was my first time ever having a vision. Usually meditating clears my mind. It does not conjure up weird little daydreams on its own accord.”
I kept my gaze on his, watched for any trace of a lie, and found nothing. “But that didn’t feel like a vision necessarily. It felt like a…”
“Memory.”
“Yeah, did you think that, too, or did you just read my thoughts?”
The bell rang, and he jumped to his feet. “No, I thought the same thing. It felt like a distant, hazy memory from another lifetime or something.”
“What do you think it means?” I gathered my things and stuffed them into my bag.
“I don’t know. Some people believe meditation can help you retain memories, even recall lost ones. Maybe we’re just both insane?”
I laughed aloud, even though it wasn’t funny, because that’s what crazy people do.
“Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.”
—Nate’s Thoughts
he final bell rang at 2:37 p.m. Not that I’d heard a word any of my teachers said after the vision with Nate.
“So, Olga, I hear you’re going out with the new hottie in school. How’d you make that happen?” Brittany asked, the same Brittany who drooled over Nate in our shared vision.
I slammed my locker. “Who says we’re going out?”
“Tammy.”
“Yeah, well, Tammy wouldn’t recognize the truth if it bit her in her perfect little a—” The loud speaker came on, announcing the cancellation of some club meeting after school and effectively saving my tooshie. Swearing was out of character for me, but the frustration of the last few months slowly corrupted me. “Gotta go. See ya.”
“If you’re not going out with Nate, do you think can you put in a good word for me?” she called down the hall.
Yes, I think I can.
Walking quickly toward the parking lot to catch a ride with Nic, I stopped Tammy on the way.
“Hey, what’s with the rumor you’re starting about me going out with Nate?”
Her gaze bounced around to every passing classmate. “You already heard that one?”
“Explain.”
Tammy ran a hand through her short, blonde hair. “You know how I have last period with Conner. Well, he was talking smack about sleeping with four girls this summer, and how it could’ve been five, but he didn’t go through with one because he’d known her since she was five, and he felt bad the girl was actually in love with him.”
My stomach twisted into knots. “What?”
Tammy’s face fell, and to her credit she looked like she was going to be sick over his behavior, too. “So, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see if there was one last shred of humanity left in him. I turned around and told him he was a liar, that the girl he referred to had way more class than to ever think about sleeping with him and had already moved onto bigger and better things with the new hottie in town.”
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. “What’d he say to that?”
Tammy shook her head slowly. “He said I was right, that Olga Gay Worontzoff was too classy to sleep with him, but I wasn’t.”
Squeezing Tammy’s shoulder, I said, “You’re too classy for all the guys at this school, even most of the girls. I hope you didn’t put up with his bullcrap.”
A flush crept across her cheeks. “I slapped him in the face.”
I laughed. “He’s getting a lot of that action these days, but he deserves it. What’d the teacher do?”
She shrugged. “She told Conner he had it coming, then moved his seat to the other side of the room away from everyone and told all of us to sit down, shut our mouths, and get our work done.”
“Well, I agree with her. He did have it coming.”
My phone dinged, a text from Nic popping up: U comin?
“I gotta go. Nic is waiting for me.”
Tammy nodded. “Why don’t I drive you home? We’ve barely had time to hang out this week.”
“We’ve seen each other every day at cheerleading practice.”
“Yeah, but that’s all work and no play. I need a good girl talk.”
“You and me both.” I sent Nic a text and walked with Tammy toward the parking lot.
“Are you excited to cheer in your first football game of the season tonight?”
“I guess, but it kind of sucks because I really need to get a head start on studying and write the weekly blog on the school’s website for the Bucs’ Blade.”
“Jesus, Olga, you sure are boring.”
“Hey!”
She unlocked her Lexus with the remote on her keychain. “Sorry, but sometimes the truth hurts. You need to come to Kyle’s party tomorrow, though.”
I froze, my fingers on the door handle, my mind flashing to the vision I shared with Nate. “I wasn’t invited.” I’d never been the sensitive type, but I felt a little hurt. My good buddy didn’t invite me to his party.
�
�Yes, you are. Get in. I’ll tell you all about it.”
I obeyed, then waited a few minutes as Tammy got situated.
Finally, when she turned onto the road, she explained, “Kyle just found out this morning his parents are going out of town for the weekend. When we chatted at lunch, I told him it was the perfect opportunity to throw the first big house party of the school year, and he agreed. Something you would’ve already known if you actually ever joined us in the cafeteria.”
Squinting at the sun pouring in through the windshield, I nodded. “Sorry. Nate and I have been doing some research up in the journalism room, though.”
“Right. Does this research include investigating his mouth?”
Gah! “No! We did meditate together, though.”
She laughed. “Hot. When?”
“Today, but it was weird.”
“Good weird or bad weird?”
“Both.” I told her how the meditation started out relaxing, but then turned weird, including every detail I remembered about the vision of me at Kyle’s house party. Even though I spent most of my summer hanging out with her and Nic, I’d only told Nic about Nate reading my thoughts. So, I took the opportunity I had now to clue Tammy in on that little tidbit as well.
She nearly bounced off her driver’s seat in irritation. “I can’t believe you kept this from me!”
Raising my eyebrows, I said, “Do you really blame me? This whole situation is crazy!”
“Okay, but you have to tell me everything. Now.”
“I already did.”
Her shoulders slumped. “So you guys haven’t figured anything out yet?”
Flashing a bitter smile, I said, “Concerning Nate and his reading my mind or our research about Conner during lunch?”
“Either.”
“Your guess is as good as mine on both accounts.”
“Maybe that vision you guys shared today means you can see the future when your souls connect in a deep way or something. I think you should both come to Kyle’s party tomorrow night and try to recreate the scene as much as possible. See what happens. I’ll even make cookies.”
I fidgeted nervously with the zipper on my sweater. “You know, that’s actually a good idea.” But I didn’t see how Nate would be playing with the Cantankerous Monkey Squad.
Tammy smiled wide. “Don’t sound so surprised. I do get those from time to time.”
There were people everywhere, shooting hoops in Kyle’s driveway, playing Quarters by the beer keg set up on his back porch, gathered around the island in his kitchen and munching on snacks. Plastic red Solo cups littered every countertop. The Cantankerous Monkey Squad’s self-titled song blared from the living room, and a group of stoner nonconformists were moshing on the green carpet in front of the band while Nate sang all the right notes, Sean nailed the rhythms on his bass, and Kyle whaled on the drums. Wait, Nate?
“What’s Nate doing singing with the band? Where’s Conner?” I shouted to Nic over the loud music.
“Oh, yeah. I was so busy at the store today I never got a chance to tell you. The Cantankerous Monkey Squad came to blows last night after playing at Music Walk downtown.”
“What happened?”
“Well, Sean and Kyle are tired of Conner hooking up with all the girls, ranging anywhere from thirteen to twenty. And you know he’s messing around with drugs and alcohol, too, don’t you?”
I shook my head. “I’d heard he was the Beer Pong champ this summer, but I hadn’t heard anything about drugs.”
“Yeah, he likes to smoke a joint before they play a show now. Says it relaxes him.”
Shuddering, I thought of how my meditation with Nate was supposed to relax me but only ended up making me freak out even more. “Hmm, so they just finally had enough and kicked him out of the band last night?”
“Pretty much. We all went to Jumpin’ Java for a cup of coffee afterward, and Nate was sitting at a table by himself, so we invited him to hang with us. Then the boys got to talking about music, and Kyle asked if he’d fill in for Conner tonight at the party. They practiced all day together.”
I raised one eyebrow, thinking again of the vision as I followed Nic into the kitchen. It was weird, all the details coming together like magic. I felt entranced, destined to follow a certain path.
Already coolness filled the air with all the windows and doors open in the house, even though it was only the first week of September, summer barely over. Most of the girls were wearing sweaters or coats, but I’d forgotten mine. The weather wasn’t the only thing giving me the chills, though. All the details of Kyle’s house party were the same ones I had seen earlier in my vision with Nate. Tammy leaned against the hardwood island in the kitchen, offering up the brownies and cookies she made for the party. Her outfit wasn’t weather appropriate either: a Victoria’s Secret Pink tank top with Billabong black cutoffs. A perfect high ponytail shimmered with gold gel among her blonde highlights.
She seemed to have noticed my nervousness because she grabbed on to my hand tightly and led me to the back porch, where she approached the keg and poured two cups full, then handed me one.
“Here’s to new friendships and finding out answers tonight! Bottoms up!” She clashed her cup against mine, then took a big drink, practically finishing her beer in one gulp.
I’d never drank a sip of alcohol before, unless you counted the drop of Sacramental wine I tasted after the priest dipped the broken bread in during Communion. Something told me Tammy wouldn’t count that, and I knew she’d hound me until I had the full party experience. So I tilted the plastic cup to my lips and drank it all. When I finished, I couldn’t help burping and making a face.
Tammy laughed. “If I were to guess, I’d say that was your first beer. How’d you like it?”
I knew I should lie, make myself look cool. “Disgusting.”
Something told me the truth was better.
Tammy nodded, taking my cup from me before pouring two more beers. “Beer is an acquired taste. Cheers.”
This time, I shooed the cup away. “No, thanks. I think I’m a one-drink type of girl.”
As in that one beer is the only one I’ll ever drink in my whole life! Yuck!
Nic swooped in from behind and snatched the cup, taking a sip.
“Ugh, how can you drink that stuff?” I asked her.
She froze, sniffing near my mouth. “Oh my gosh! Did you drink your first beer without me?”
I shrugged. “Oh, right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to, and I definitely didn’t like it.”
“Well, too bad. You’ll have to have another one, with me this time.”
Shaking my head, I said, “No way. I’ll puke.”
Tammy giggled, already refilling her cup a third time. I was surprised she seemed so eager to drink considering all the problems alcohol caused with her dad. Maybe she inherited his alcoholism gene and couldn’t help herself. “You’re such a girl. Here, try one of these. I bet you’ll love it.” She reached into the cooler and pulled out a grape-flavored beverage.
“Hold up,” Nic hollered. “Olga’s first night of partying. I have to get a shot of this.” She grabbed her cell phone from the back pocket of her skinny jeans and snapped a picture. “I’m texting you the picture now.”
“Send it to me, too,” Tammy told her. “I want as many pictures of us together during our senior year as possible. Time to make some memories!”
I smiled, then guzzled about half of the bottle, liking the taste more than the beer at least.
“There, happy?” I asked Nic, then let out a burp. I probably should’ve eaten something today.
She yanked the bottle from my hands and drained the rest. “Now I am! Come on, let’s dance, girls!”
We followed her into the living room. As we swayed to “Haunted,” another original by the band, I felt all kinds of spooked out. My balance was off, I was already woozy, and I kept stumbling as I honed in on the lyrics. But in this haunted house there’s danger in every direction/ I pray to God he wo
uld give me some protection/ And in this haunted house we’re not the same people/ But you, my friends, are my sanctuary, my steeple/ I hope if I die young ,I’ll find my way back home/ So you’ll feel me and know you’re not alone/ In this haunted house.
For the past five years, I heard Conner play guitar and sing every week. He had such raw talent, and I knew it’d be tough to replace him. But as I listened to them playing, I couldn’t deny Nate had skills, too.
Conner. He walked in with a group of guys, slamming the door behind him. I recognized one boy with him, Dave, from my Driver’s Ed class, and I remembered he had been in my vision, too. I thought the lack of Conner in my vision was a bit weird, though. The group headed to the porch toward the keg, but they already seemed drunk. Brittany pressed against Conner like a kitten as he poured his beer. The walls closed in on me, the floor swimming, as I tried not to think about Conner hooking up with yet another cheerleader.
“I think I need a break,” I shouted to Nic and Tammy over the music.
They flashed me a thumbs-up and kept dancing while I awkwardly hobbled to the couch. As I sank down on the cool leather, the song ended and Nate addressed the crowd of twenty-something people gathered in the living room. His words barely registered as I watched Conner, the way he wiped his hand on his jeans when he spilled his beer, the way he cocked his head to hear what Brittany said, the sound of his laugh more musical than any instrument. All these gestures were so familiar to me, but the boy he had turned into since the accident was a total stranger.
When Nate belted out the lyrics to “Return,” Conner suddenly shifted his focus to his former band. He stepped into the living room, away from Brittany and the crowd he’d come in with. Dave followed, but Conner ignored him. Shrugging, Dave made his way to the couch and plopped down next to me.
“Hey, Olga. You want one?” He shoved a Solo cup in my face, filled to the top with beer, effectively sloshing it down my—correction—Nic’s white laced top. “Oh, my bad. It’s such a nice shirt, too.”
He proceeded to wipe the beer off my breasts. Yeah, I pretended that’s what he was trying to do. Not cop a feel at all.
Shoving his hand away, I said, “Dude, it’s fine.”