18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3)

by Ayres, Jamie

  “Yeah, you should go,” Conner echoed, coming over to stand beside me.

  “Sorry, but his well-being isn’t really a priority for me. You are. So I’m staying.” Nate leaned back on the couch, propping his feet on the coffee table.

  Conner knocked his feet down. “What’s your problem, man?”

  Nate jumped up, getting in Conner’s face. “My problem is you only think about yourself. So you’re scared of what might happen to you? What about Olga? If you claim you have no control over your actions, then what’s stopping your monster from making an appearance later tonight and hurting her?”

  The muscles in Conner’s jaw were tight as he reached into his pants for his wallet, then held out a twenty dollar bill. “Look, dude. You’ve been a loyal bodyguard and all, but Olga doesn’t need to be protected from me. I’m fine now. Your duties are done here.”

  Nate took the bill from Conner and ripped it in half before letting the pieces float to the ground. “I’m gonna mess you up so bad, you freakin’ piece of sh—”

  I slapped my hand over his mouth before he could finish. “You’ll do no such thing. His well-being is linked to my well-being, so you’re going to put up with him if you still want to spend time with me.”

  “I’m not going to let you put yourself in danger.”

  “Nate, listen. I’m thankful I have you around to protect me, and I love the way you try to keep everything calm and normal for me, but you can’t shelter me, and you need to trust my judgment.”

  “I do,” Nate said, standing in front of the couch. “You don’t think like a rational, normal person when it comes to him.”

  “Please, like you’ve brought a whole plate of normal to the table.” Conner’s words came out rushed, like he’d been waiting to say them all night.

  I swallowed, hard. “Look, guys, I think we know normal isn’t in the cards for us this year. Can we at least agree on that?”

  Nate tugged at his shirt collar. “Yep.”

  “True. But I still think he’s to blame. Everything got all cuckoo when he came to town.” Conner ran a hand over his hair, studying Nate.

  “So now I’m to blame for your bad behavior?” Nate pursed his lips, his eyes wide.

  “Yes, you are! I was in a coma for months, and then I get you for a roomie, and as soon as you leave the hospital, I wake up. Except it’s not me who wakes up but this monster living inside me. And you can somehow read Olga’s thoughts, and now you’re trying to hook up with her and take my spot in the band?”

  “I’m not trying to hook up with her. Only guys like you do that.”

  “Only guys like you do that,” Conner repeated in a high voice before applauding in deliberate false fashion. “Wow, good job. That one really hurt.”

  Nate shook his head. “Don’t mock me.”

  “Don’t mock me.” Conner twisted his mouth in an ugly smirk.

  “Go to hell.”

  “Right back at ya. Or just go… anywhere.”

  I threw my hands in the air. “I’ve had enough of this crap, so I’ll be the one going. Conner, why don’t you start working on all that homework you haven’t kept up with. I’ll be back in a half hour.”

  Conner jutted out his chin. “Where are you going?”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I said, “For a walk. Nate, let’s go.”

  “Aww, he’s going, too? But I was hoping we could have a pillow fight later and maybe braid each other’s hair.”

  “Conner, do your homework.” I yanked Nate outside and then slid the door closed.

  Following me around the side of the house, Nate let out a huff as if he were the one annoyed. “Olga—”

  “Don’t even. You’re gonna shut up and listen to me yelling at you inside my head while I walk you home. Understand?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I mean, no. I should be walking you home.”

  I turned on my heel, which enabled me to make direct eye contact so there’d be no misunderstanding. “I am spending the night at Conner’s house, not with Conner. Do you understand the difference?”

  His nostrils flared. “I understand he’s on the road to nowhere good and he’s bent on taking you with him. Why do you still feel like you have to fix him?”

  “Because I’m the one who broke him!” I shouted, which made the neighbors flick their porch light on. My muscles quivered; my whole body tensed.

  Nate gathered me in his arms and smoothed my hair. “Hey, this isn’t the antique store downtown,” he whispered. “It’s not a if you break it, you buy it situation. I get that you feel like you were responsible for his coma. I hear your thoughts. You were the one who invited him sailing to make Tammy jealous. You didn’t make him wear a life jacket. You should’ve administered CPR earlier. Should’ve called 9-1-1 sooner. But you know what? You shouldn’t have had to make Tammy jealous. You shouldn’t have had to act like his mommy so he’d be responsible. And you dived into the freezing water to save him, risking your own life. How long are you going to live with this mantra on repeat in your head?”

  I sniffled. “I’m trying not to think that way. Actually, I’ve prided myself on making strides toward that goal in the past week. You should’ve heard my thoughts right after the accident. At the time, it was hard imagining ever feeling not responsible.”

  He sighed disapprovingly. “You’re lucky I came into your life when I did.”

  “Why is that?”

  Tilting my chin toward his face, he said, “Because you don’t need to be alone anymore, trapped in your head with your loud, critical thoughts. You needed someone to remind you of how perfect you are.” He cupped my face in his hands, and the night dissolved into silence.

  Time slowed as he bent his face to mine, his lips just centimeters away from my mouth. “Nate, stop. I can’t handle this right now. You should go. This has nothing to do with you.”

  He took a step back. “This has everything to do with me.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “Do you see how I look at you?” His eyes widened, brows furrowed. “Like you’re my whole world? The problem is, I look at you like you look at him.” He made a sweeping gesture toward Conner’s house. “And I don’t like that you’re willing to give him a million second chances, but you won’t even give me one.”

  Adrenaline pumped through my veins, making my heart wake up. “What do you mean?”

  A building smile spread across his whole face. “Go out with me this Saturday. Let me take you on our first official date.”

  The wind blew a stray piece of hair into my blinking eyes. “Barca, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “A million reasons.”

  “Come on, Olga. Just one date. That’s not too much to ask for, right? And we owe it to ourselves to explore this connection we have.” He looked slightly sheepish, making me feel sorry for him.

  I sighed. “Will you leave me alone tonight if I say yes?”

  “If that’s what you want.” His voice was softer than a whisper. “But I’ll still be listening, for your safety, and maybe for my own sanity.”

  “I can live with that. Yes.”

  “Yes?”

  Wrinkling my nose, I said, “Yes, if you can stop gloating.”

  “I’m not gloating.”

  I pushed up my glasses. “Not with your words, but you’re gloating with your facial expression.”

  He smirked. “Sorry. How’s that saying go? Let him without sin cast the first stone.”

  Bending down, I searched the grass.

  “Did you lose something?”

  “Oh no, I’m just looking for a rock.”

  He shoved me gently. “Now who’s gloating?”

  I grinned. “You sound surprised. Weren’t you the one telling me a minute ago I was perfect? Now don’t worry. I’ll pick out a smooth one. No jagged edges to mess up your pretty face.”

  Pulling me up, he drew me against his body. I closed my eyes, imagining his lips on mine before I remembered
Conner.

  “Oh, come on, his thirty minutes aren’t up yet.”

  Pushing back, I let my hands remain on his chest. “Whatever. I shouldn’t hang out with either one of you after the way you both acted back there. But anyway, we can’t be trusted alone together.”

  “I must halt your line of reasoning. You can’t employ a double negative.”

  Staring back at him, it was hard to ignore the heat between us. “So you’re the grammar police now?”

  He slid my arms around his neck. “Yep, and I’m gonna have to take you as my prisoner. Come with me, ma’am.”

  I laughed. “You promised you’d leave if I agreed to a date this weekend, remember?”

  “I remember every word you’ve ever said.”

  With all the visions we were having, I seriously doubted that.

  Lacing his fingers through mine, he said, “Until tomorrow.”

  As I walked around the side of the house on the fading green grass, the wind picked up, blowing fallen leaves across our path. Usually I looked forward to fall, an opportunity for more fun times with my friends during another school year. Now all the signs of my favorite season only reminded me that change was coming, and I hated change.

  As I opened Conner’s slider door, I noticed he’d dimmed the lights. The Christmas lights were back on, and a lit candle glowed on the coffee table next to a small vase of wild flowers. Conner sat on the couch, watching me come in.

  “Hey, I thought you were gonna work on some homework.”

  “I had more important things to do” He kept a steady gaze on me, unblinking.

  “Really?”

  He pressed a button on his iPod, then stood and wrapped me in his arms, swaying us to Adele’s cover of Bob Dylan’s song, “Make You Feel My Love.”

  I bit my bottom lip. “What is all this? What are you doing?”

  He leaned his head back, studying me. “Setting the room for romance. I remember when I was in a coma and you told me you loved me. You said you always pictured saying those words with candles, flowers, and music. And I wished the same thing when I first told you the night before school started. So now I’m trying to do things right. I just hope you believe in second chances as much as I do.”

  I nodded. “I do, Conner, but a lot has happened since then. And to be honest, this is getting to be too much for me to handle right now.”

  “Just let me get this off my chest.” He reached out and touched my cheek with the back of his hand. “I know words are pathetically insufficient, and a relationship between us can’t work right now, when I have so far to go in straightening my life out, but the plain and simple truth is I love you more than anything. And I hope you hold on to that truth no matter what happens.”

  Tears leaked from my eyes.

  “Are those tears of happiness or tears of sadness because you like Nate now?”

  Behind his neck, I twisted my Morticia Addams ring, a nervous habit. “Do you think you can have feelings for two people at once?”

  I felt dizzy waiting for his answer, not just from being spun in slow circles around his room.

  Abruptly, he said, “I guess. I’ve certainly had my fair share of girlfriends. But are we talking about love feelings? Because maybe some people fall in and out of love all the time, but for me, there’s only ever been you.”

  He pulled me toward him and kissed me hard, his unshaven skin stubbly and rough, but I didn’t care. I kissed him back like I was the one drowning this time and only he could save me. For a moment it was only us who existed, and then thoughts of Nate crept in my mind, how he would probably know what was happening and might even come back. Then suddenly, in my mind, I was kissing Nate, like really kissing him.

  “How did you know how to find me by the wormhole?” I asked him.

  I pulled away and looked at Conner, feeling like I’d just seen a ghost.

  Conner’s pupils were huge and confused as he looked back at me. “You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

  I stared at him in silent horror, worried I’d lose both of them and end up alone in the end. Maybe that would be best for all of us. “I told him I’d go on a date with him this weekend. That’s how I got him to leave.”

  Telling Conner about the date was easier than telling him about my vision. I picked the lesser of two evils.

  He swept his arms around the room. “Well, you should tell him tomorrow you’re canceling, don’t ya think? How are we going to work things out between us if you’re going on dates with him?”

  I hesitated, unsure of what to do or say. “I promised him.”

  Shoving his hands in his hair, he yanked on the strands. “Olga! For once in your life, can you just think with your heart instead of your head? Think about the future. Who do you want to end up with?”

  You, my heart screamed. But the words wouldn’t come out. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew we’d been down this road before and it didn’t end well. And it made me not trust my feelings now.

  “Then go.” Conner turned around and blew out the candle. When I didn’t move, he repeated the words and shuffled to his bed to lie down.

  For a moment, I froze, listening to the sound of the wind picking up outside and to Adele singing about the winds of change blowing, but I wasn’t ready to be set free. The old Olga would’ve obeyed Conner’s wishes and left. But not anymore. I walked over to his bed and lay next to him. Flipping on my side, I faced his back, waiting for him to say something or fall asleep.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know I have no right to tell you what to do.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, he continued, “He’s probably a lot better at this stuff than I am. Probably will bring you two dozen roses instead of picking some lame ones from his mom’s garden out back. Probably quotes poetry to you and stuff.” Turning over, he faced me. “I wish I were better with using my words, wish that I wasn’t so quick to lose my temper, especially these days.”

  “It’s okay,” was all I could think to say.

  “No, it’s not. I know I don’t deserve it, but will you still stay the night with me?”

  I nodded. Lying against him, I felt so warm on the inside I thought I could never feel cold again.

  “I wish we could stay like this forever,” Conner whispered, closing his eyes.

  “Me too.” But I was smart enough to know that in this life we seldom got what we wished for. Life was too complicated for such things.

  “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as

  six impossible things before breakfast.”

  —Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

  o,” Dr. Judy began, “tell me why you’re here today, Olga.”

  It was Friday, early afternoon, before my shift at the Bookman began. As soon as school ended, I had Nic drop me off at the hospital. I hadn’t been able to sleep ever since I spent the night at Conner’s on Monday, especially with the excitement and dread building inside me at the prospect of my first proper date. Excited because a guy as perfect as Nate wanted me, and I couldn’t deny I liked him back. But also dread because my first date wouldn’t be with Conner, and to make matters worse, he was still being my Conner. Of course, this should fall under the “Yay” category instead of “Nay,” but now my date with Nate felt like cheating. The night outside Conner’s house when I said yes to Nate, I honestly figured Conner would be acting like a jerk again by morning. Even without Mom’s constant encouragement to see a therapist since everything fell apart in April, I knew I had reached my breaking point. So yesterday morning, I finally caved and called the number she’d placed on my computer desk months ago. Certainly, the fact that Conner, Nate, and now I all had the same therapist was no coinkydink. Maybe somehow Dr. Judy held all the answers to our questions.

  “Well,” I said, taking another sip of coffee from my travel mug. “My life has turned into something out of The Twilight Zone.”

  She cleared her throat. “Many people probably feel the same way about their own lives
, but can you give me some specifics on your situation?”

  “Where to start? My best friend was struck by lightning in April during our first spring sailing trip and then lapsed into a coma for eighty days, and after he woke up, it’s like he’s this completely different person most of the time. Then I met this other guy at the hospital, Conner’s roommate for a while, and he can hear my thoughts. But only mine, so, of course, I tried staying clear of him, but I just can’t figure out how he’s doing this mind trick and—”

  “Okay, slow down.” Her face held a solemn expression. “Take a deep breath and try to relax.”

  I inhaled like she told me, which only caused me to yawn. “I know I sound crazy, but I don’t care about looking crazy anymore. I need help. That’s why I’m here.”

  Dr. Judy nodded. “I’m sure almost losing your best friend was a very traumatizing experience.”

  I nodded. “So you agree I am crazy?”

  She leaned back in her chair. “I’d have to spend a few more sessions with you to formulate any type of diagnosis, if there even is one at all. It’s probably more likely you’re suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.”

  “What’s that?” I fingered the cross on my necklace, praying for some answers.

  “It’s an overwhelming emotional shock presented after a deeply distressing ordeal. Usually, while people are dealing with the crisis at hand, instinct kicks in and survival mode takes over. However, sometimes after weeks or even months have gone by, the reality of everything that’s happened begins to sink in and affects our day-to-day activities. The symptoms can manifest themselves in many ways, but one way is hearing or seeing things that aren’t there.”

  I swallowed, then glanced toward the door, hoping nobody in the waiting room down the hall could hear our conversation. Then I worried I was being a paranoid freak and swallowed again. “So you think Nate’s mind hack is a figment of my imagination?”

  “No. I’m merely trying to help you figure things out. If you can’t logically accept that this boy is reading your mind, then do you think you’re imagining this part of your relationship?”