18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3)

by Ayres, Jamie

  I hopped onto the seat next to him. “Okay, Mr. Adventure. Where are we heading?”

  “Downtown to the C2C Gallery off Washington Avenue for an informal painting class.”

  Groaning, I admitted, “I’ve never been much of an artist.”

  Nate pedaled, checking both ways before taking us across the parking lot. “Most people aren’t.” He laughed at me biting my lip and paused at the stop sign. “Olga, stop worrying. This is for fun. You won’t be graded on your canvas. Now, start pedaling or we’ll be late.” He tapped the backpack in the front basket. “And if you need some fuel, I have coffee in a thermos.”

  “You think of everything.”

  “I think everything of you.” He took hold of my fingers on the handlebar.

  Melting. “This bike is awesome. I like the red and white circus top design.” I pointed my index finger above our heads, subtly sneaking my hand away. I didn’t want to get his hopes up any higher than they already were.

  “It’s called a sunbrella. Learned some biker lingo today.”

  “When are you getting your license back?”

  He shook his head. “Not until the end of the school year, but I don’t even know if I want it. Grand Haven is a small enough town to get around by foot, bike, or skateboarding. Then I’ll be off to college and living on campus. I kind of want to stay away from driving for as long as I can. When will you have your license?”

  “I’m taking Driver’s Ed at school right now, so I should have it by December when the class ends.”

  “Oh, right. Brittney told me at the football game last night how you hit that bird on your first test run yesterday. I’ll remember to stay inside come Christmas break.”

  I slapped his arm, ignoring the pain of jealousy at the mention of Brittney. I’d seen them sitting together with a big crowd of people up in the stands while I cheered below, my heart not in my peppy words and motions at all. “For your information, Mr. Know It All, that bird hit me, not the other way around.”

  He flashed his perfect teeth in a smile. “How exactly does a bird willfully fly into an oncoming car?”

  Scowling, I explained, “I wasn’t even driving! I was at the stop sign, and he literally flew into my windshield.”

  “So what you’re saying is, wildlife would rather willingly commit suicide than face you on the road.”

  Sliding my hand to his nape, I tugged on some stray hairs sticking out from his cap. “Are you done now?”

  “Just getting started. Was it a two-way or four-way stop?”

  I raked my gaze over him, wanting to slap and kiss him at the same time. “What does it matter?”

  “I’m just trying to picture the whole scenario in my head, looking for any loopholes in your story. I don’t know if I should be dating a girl with homicidal tendencies toward birds.”

  With a laugh, I said, “We’re not dating. I agreed to one date. And you are so ridiculous. He didn’t even die.”

  “You saw him fly away then?”

  My shoulders drooped. “Well, no. We all got out of the car and looked around, but he was nowhere to be found.”

  “Why didn’t you entice him with some birdseed?” His gaze penetrated me, holding me still for his interrogation.

  “Where would I get birdseed exactly?”

  “You don’t carry any on you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well then, you should’ve sacrificed your lunch if you really cared about the bird.”

  “My lunch was back in the classroom!”

  “See, that’s why smart people always carry some birdseed.”

  “There is nothing smart about your logic or that bird.” I ripped the hat off his head. “Now, you will stop this madness or the hat gets it.”

  The bike stopped abruptly. “The only one getting it is you.”

  He kissed me, all the bird talk forgotten.

  My heart thudded in my ears. His kiss was a lot different than Conner’s. Not bad, just different. And for some reason, familiar. A drowsy warmth washed over me, and another memory flooded my mind.

  Conner kissed me, winding his hand into my hair, the other on my hip, pulling my chest to his. The intensity grew, our breaths ragged and swift, until Bo cleared his throat, reminding us we weren’t alone. I felt my cheeks blush and twisted my hair back into a knot.

  After a second, Nate pulled away. He frowned, then took the hat and settled it back on his head. “I’m guessing you saw that vision, too?”

  “Hmm.”

  I resettled my body to start pedaling again. Why did I have visions of kissing Nate when I kissed Conner a few nights ago and then envision kissing Conner while kissing Nate now? “Here’s the thing. You should have an apology coming, but I can’t control these visions or memories or whatever they are from floating to the surface. I’m beginning to think the only reason you see the same thing as me is because you can read my mind. Do you think that’s possible?”

  Nate closed his eyes. “Bo was in your vision, though. How do you even know what he looks like?”

  A particular melancholy revealed itself on Nate’s face, and I wondered how I could’ve missed Bo being in my vision until now. “He was Conner’s roommate in Juvie.”

  The words flew out of my mouth without any prompting.

  Tears appeared in Nate’s eyes without much prompting, either. “What does that mean?”

  I shook my head. “No idea.”

  For the rest of the short ride, we were both quiet. I think the vision had stolen our breath and our words away.

  When we pulled up to C2C Gallery, music blared from inside. Nate held my hand as he led me to the entrance, cold wind slapping my cheeks and bringing the strong scent of paint from the open doorway.

  “Olga! Nate! Down here!” Thankful for the interruption, I peered down the sidewalk.

  Kyle waved to us from the front of Jumpin’ Java across the way, about a block up the street, Conner standing next to him and looking pissed. Clearly, Kyle had missed the memo that Nate and I were on a date.

  Nate looked down at me through the thick shield of his dark lashes. “You want to join them?”

  “You wouldn’t mind?” I whispered.

  He leaned back on his heels. “No. To be honest, I’m not really in the mood for romance anymore.” His tone wasn’t mean, just honest.

  Every nerve in my body relaxed, thankful we were on the same page for once. “So, should we just leave the bike here?”

  “After you, my lady.” He gestured toward the coffee shop, and we started walking, decidedly not holding hands.

  A wise decision because Conner looked more lonely than I’d ever seen him, even though he was surrounded by the Jedi Order as they sipped coffee from their cups at an outside table. He leaned his chair against the window, his ear turned toward the karaoke music blaring inside, but his gaze remained fixed on me with an aching look. Ugh, that look broke my heart. I longed to run to him, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to Nate.

  “You really do attract birds,” Nate said, brushing the side of my arm.

  “Huh?”

  “He’s watching you like a hawk. Kind of freaking me out. He better not act like a jerk tonight.”

  I nodded, knowing that no matter how he acted, I couldn’t stop the invisible force drawing me to him. Once we arrived, Nate mumbled something about getting me coffee and went inside, all our friends following him. Except Conner.

  “Your hair is down.”

  “Tammy straightened it for me.” I grinned, proud of myself for stringing together a coherent sentence with all the mixed emotion swirling inside me.

  He tried to smile back, but the gesture fell short. “Looks like you’re breaking free of all sorts of things tonight.”

  “Conner—”

  “I’m gonna go, Olga. You deserve to be happy.” His voice was barely audible over the girl inside murdering the Whitney Houston song, “I Will Always Love You.” Her song choice fit, though, because what exactly was I doing by agreeing to this
date tonight? I’d always love Conner, no matter how drawn I felt to Nate.

  “What? No, don’t go. I’ll go.”

  He shook his head, giving me a quick once-over. “I’m not leaving because of you. I’m tired is all.”

  Liar. “Okay, well let me walk you to your car. Where are you parked?”

  He jabbed his thumb behind him. “Just around the corner here.”

  I followed him to his Ford Escape Hybrid. He unlocked the door with the remote on his keychain but didn’t climb in. Instead, he leaned against the cab and faced me, regarding me with an unfocused gaze, his eyes filling with tears, once again breaking my heart.

  Even though I came here with someone else, I longed to comfort him, to kiss him. But wasn’t I longing to kiss Nate just minutes ago? I felt so confused. My thoughts made me hesitate but didn’t stop me from closing my arms around Conner, burying my head against his shoulder. We rocked together, unsure of who started the motion, unable to stop. Until finally, our eyes met, and the longing to kiss him overwhelmed me. I stepped away.

  “Not here, Conner. I can’t do this right now.”

  “When? I know I don’t deserve you, but I still want to take you out on an official date, too. Even if it’s just one time.”

  Now my eyes filled with tears, and I had a moment of absolute clarity. All this time I’d been waiting for my first date with Conner, but my subconscious knew I’d already had it. Only something prevented me from remembering the experience. And it totally sucked.

  “Tomorrow then. Meet me in the parking lot of Saint Patrick’s Church for ten o’clock Mass. We can go out afterward.”

  Conner’s eyes flared. “Mass? How about after? Ten is early for me.”

  I shook my head. “Then come to the 11:45 service. This is my stipulation. You can take me out only if you come to church with me. Even if it’s just one time.”

  He nodded. “I hope you can feel how much I want you.”

  I gulped. “I do.”

  “Good. That’s why I’m saying yes to this stupid plan of yours. Just out of curiosity, did Nate’s offer to take you out come with any stipulations?”

  Every organ in my body felt like it was on fire under his gaze. “That’s how I got him to leave your house Monday night, remember? And anyway, we’re not really even on a date anymore.”

  “Oh, yeah.” He gently put his hand on my shoulder, sweeping my hair back. “I’m actually surprised you’re out at all. Your mom didn’t freak out about you spending the night with me?”

  Nodding, I said, “Dad actually lied to her about it and said I was at Nic’s. He said he’ll repent for it at confession next time he goes.”

  “Good.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek, then leaned in to kiss me there. “Until tomorrow.” After watching him pull away, I had to figure out how to move my legs one in front of the other and join my friends inside. The rich, stimulating rush of brewing coffee drew me in, brushing off the uncomfortable and thrilling encounter with Conner. My gaze bounced from couples leaning toward each other at the bistro tables to the laughing groups of people my own age crowding the booths. Finally, I spotted my friends at a booth all the way in the back. Nate waved me over. If he’d heard my thoughts when I was with Conner, he didn’t show it.

  “Here you go.”

  “Hmm, thanks, Barca. You are a gift from the gods, truly.”

  For one split second, we just stared at each other, like looking into a crystal ball.

  Tammy’s voice broke through our shared memory of the vision, completing it. “You two are so cute together. You’ll make adorable, dorky babies someday. That is, if the date went well. Which I’m assuming it did since Conner’s not here.”

  I heard Nicole kick her under the table.

  “Ouch! What’d ya do that for?”

  My hand jittered as I sipped the chocolate-drizzled, Snickers-flavored mocha with whipped topping. The gesture wasn’t lost on Nate. “You probably drink enough coffee to make a rhino’s heart explode.”

  “So?”

  He flashed me a lazy grin. “Just saying.”

  A few songs later, we watched as Sean got crowned third place winner in the karaoke contest, a prize that came with a twenty-five-dollar gift card to the coffee house. Then we laughed as he hopped onto the stage and lifted his shirt, mimicking the Truffle Shuffle from The Goonies movie.

  Nate motioned toward the wall clock. “It’s ten thirty. We should peddle home before you’re late.”

  We were quiet for most of the way until he finally brought up the subject I’d been dreading.

  “Do you want to tell me why you’re going out with someone else tomorrow?”

  I stared up at the stars, praying for a shooting one, thinking I could really use a wish right now. “I think it has to do with how much history there is between Conner and me. He wants to take me out on at least one proper date, and I need to let him.”

  Nate winced, like my explanation caused him physical pain. “You’re right. I just wish you two would’ve figured out you’re not right for each other before I met you. Would save us a lot of time. You love me, even if you don’t know it yet.”

  “The thing is, I think I do know it. I just don’t feel it yet. My mind is having a hard time keeping up with what my heart already instinctively knows these days.”

  At my admission, my heart raced wildly as he steered us into the parking lot of my apartment complex. Like a gentleman, he came around to my side of the bike and helped me down, not letting go of my hand.

  He held my hand to his mouth and kissed the top.

  “You really do have a way of making me want you,” he whispered, before our lips met.

  He backed me against the freestanding garage next to my apartment building so our bodies matched. Just as I raked my fingers through his dark, shaggy hair, my mind flashed to Conner’s pained expression earlier tonight.

  I jerked away from Nate, holding one hand to my chest and one hand to my sweaty forehead. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to torture you.”

  He released his grip on my waist. His face held its own look of apology, and his was beautiful. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. This situation is really confusing. We just need to get to know each other more, see if we remember. What do you say to sneaking out tonight?”

  I didn’t answer, so he made up my mind for me.

  “Meet me outside your window in an hour.”

  He peddled away. Taking in a deep breath, I tried to hold myself together, wondering what kind of girl would want to kiss a guy who read her mind and gave her visions? What kind of girl would simultaneously want to make out with her best friend after he slept with another one of her best friends? The kind of girl that had lost her mind, that’s who.

  “Second star to the right

  and straight on till morning.”

  —J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

  o, when’s the last time you went through a whole day without a cup of coffee?” Nate asked me. We were lying on an oversize beach towel at the top of a sand dune overlooking Lake Michigan. I’d swapped out Tammy’s Latin-style jeans and sheer shirt for a more comfortable outfit: my Grand Haven High Buccaneers sweatshirt and sweatpants. I’d also swept my hair into a bun and washed off all the makeup Tammy applied earlier. No reason for Nate to think we were on a second date already.

  “I can’t remember. Why?”

  He picked up an antique handheld telescope he’d brought from home and squinted into the eyepiece. “I don’t know. I want to be around you for a day when you don’t drink coffee.”

  “So your type is moody, irritable, and fatigued?”

  He passed the telescope to me. “You’re my type. I just want to know every side of you.”

  Swoon. “You’re sweet, but Dad started giving me coffee at a very early age, so unless you add time travel to your list of supernatural abilities, don’t hold your breath for that wish to happen.”

  He laughed. “Okay. Your turn.”

  “My turn for what?”


  “We’re playing twenty questions. Question two, go.”

  “Oh. Have you ever been in love?”

  He got up on one elbow and peered over at me. “Have I not made my feelings for you clear enough?”

  The black sky threatened to swallow me like an abyss at the honesty of his admission I so wasn’t ready for. “Okay, wow. Yeah. I guess I mean before me.”

  He draped another towel over us as the wind picked up. “I thought I was with my last girlfriend.”

  “How long ago did that end?”

  After several minutes of him staring into the starry night sky without responding, I glanced at him.

  “The day I got into my accident.”

  Sitting up, I hugged my knees to my chest. “What do you mean?”

  Gathering a handful of sand, he made a pile. “Well, I actually dated a girl for the last three years. That’s part of the reason why I was so upset when my dad got his new job here. We were going to try the long-distance thing, knowing it would be hard. Then she decided to break up with me the last day of school, said she didn’t think it’d work out.”

  I nodded, like what he said made sense, even though it didn’t. How could he date someone for three years and not tell me about it yet? Three years is a really long time, especially in high school.

  “Olga, my feelings for you were immediate. As soon as I saw you, I knew Lindsey made the right decision for both of us.” He smiled but not his usual carefree grin. This smile held vulnerability.

  “Have you talked to Lindsey since you called things off?”

  “Nope. Now, you just asked about five questions. My turn again. When did you know you were interested in becoming a writer?”

  I could tell he desperately wanted to change the subject.

  “For as long as I can remember. Mom would always read me a bedtime story until I deemed myself too old for that sort of thing at age ten, and then I always fought for more solo reading time at night. Mom wasn’t big on gifts, but she did buy me all these classics, like A Christmas Carol and The Swiss Family Robinson. Reading is like a religion to me, ya know? Words are so emotional, the way they help us communicate with one another. There’s such beauty in them. My love of reading birthed my love of writing. I wanted to be part of that magic. So I filled journal after journal with my own stories. Then when I took Journalism freshman year and joined the The Bucs’ Blade, I realized the power of seeing your words in print. Actually, the Grand Haven Tribune just hired me to be their teen correspondent. Once a week, I’ll be giving my opinion on the latest happenings in the world from a young adult’s perspective, so I’m pretty excited about that. What about you? When did you know you were interested in music?”