18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3)

by Ayres, Jamie

  “So, why did you want to see me together today, Nate and Olga?” Dr. Judy leaned back in her chair, a pad of yellow paper on her lap. She wore a silver blouse with navy pants, her hair up in a tiny bun.

  I hadn’t seen her since my follow-up appointment in September, so I decided to come right out and say it. “I found my autopsy report last night.”

  “What?” she exclaimed, aghast. “How would you have an autopsy report if you’re alive?”

  “That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?”

  She crossed a leg over her knee. “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  “Really?” Nate’s usual carefulness was gone. “Because we figured you’d know something about it since your name was on her file, not to mention my death certificate.”

  “Me?” she asked soberly, trying to wave us off. “There must be some mistake. First of all, you’re not dead—”

  “No. We’re. Not.” I emphasized each word. “So why don’t you tell us exactly what’s going on here?”

  Dr. Judy looked from my face to Nate’s, her usual warm expression on edge.

  “I don’t know who you are.” I looked her up and down with a cold stare. “But I’m going to find out. You counseling me, Conner, and Nate was no accident, was it?”

  Her face turned ashen, pallid.

  “Yeah,” Nate interjected. “It’s not like you’re the only therapist in this town. How’d we all end up with you?”

  She shrugged. “Not to sound presumptuous, but I come highly recommended. It’s called word of mouth.”

  But I didn’t buy her contrived explanation. Her voice rang with alarm.

  There was a long pause, me looking at her quizzically while Dr. Judy undid the top button of her blouse.

  Finally, she broke the silence. “Olga, Nate, I don’t know what to say. Maybe someone is playing a joke on you or trying to turn you against me. Can you tell me where you found this curious report?”

  I smiled. Everyone thought I was so naïve. And maybe I had been. After all, I once jumped into a pile of poop because Conner told me to. But that girl was gone, and the new girl in her place would lie and cheat to get answers if she had to. Desperate times called for desperate measures. “You know, before Conner left on New Year’s, the spirit inside him told me the most interesting story.” Conner had continued to see Dr. Judy when he was himself, so his parents had informed her about his newest disappearing act. “He told me Conner had died the night of the lightning strike. I died of a pill overdose a week later. And Nate died in a car crash on the last day of school. He told me about Juvie and Leo. More importantly, he told me about Limbo and you.” The thought Dr. Judy could somehow be behind all we’d experienced made me shiver.

  Dr. Judy leaped out of her seat, slamming her notebook on the desk in front of her. “I think you two should leave.”

  “Why did you become a therapist, Dr. Judy?” I squelched the desire to grab her by the shoulders and shake her.

  She froze. “I wanted to help others, of course.”

  “That’s what I thought. But what I want to know is how can you expect to help people when you withhold information they need to know? Conner is missing.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “But I don’t know how to find him. I can’t answer any of the questions you have.”

  “But you do know the answers to our questions, don’t you?” Nate dug his fingernails into the arm of his chair, waiting, hoping.

  She shook her head. “I honestly don’t know what’s going on right now. But I will say I don’t think you’re crazy. There are evil spirits at work on a daily basis. I see them getting inside the mind of my patients all the time. Clearly, one is targeting you. But I am not the enemy. Whoever’s living inside Conner, whoever’s sending you on a wild goose chase, that’s your enemy.”

  I forced myself to remain calm. “So what you’re saying is we’re on the same side.”

  “Yes, exactly.” She grinned, as if to reassure us.

  Nate let out a long breath. “But you still won’t tell us anything.”

  She sighed. “I’ll tell you that you’re right in thinking that me being your therapist along with Conner is no coincidence. Do you believe in angels and demons?”

  The standoff was starting, and I didn’t like it. “I didn’t use to, at least the demon part. But how can I not? Not after everything that’s happened, after everything I’ve seen with my own eyes.”

  “Okay, then.” Dr. Judy pushed a pen around her desk. “Do you also believe in divine intervention?”

  I didn’t understand why she asked me this. “Yes.”

  “Wait.” Nate clenched his teeth, then unclenched them. “Is that like when God uses a miracle to stop someone from getting hurt?”

  Dr. Judy walked to the one window in her office and stood there, looking down at the street. At least, I hoped it was the street. I began to sense unseen spirits in this room, and it creeped me out. “Divine intervention is so much more than that. People are always shaking their fist at the sky, asking why God doesn’t intervene. But the truth is, he does. He places people like you and me in the right place at the right time to be a catalyst for someone in need, for each other. Many times, we aren’t even aware we’re taking part in a divine plan.”

  “Are you saying you believe God put you here for us?” Nate finally asked.

  “It’s a humbling thought, isn’t it? To think there are seven billion people in this world and the God of the whole universe has thought of you and what you need in a particular moment.”

  I recognized the beginnings of an admission in there somewhere. “Does God ever change his mind?”

  Her whole body tensed. “Why do you ask?”

  Hesitating, I wound my long red hair into a bun like hers. “What if Conner, Nate, and I really did die? But the results were so catastrophic that nothing but an act of God could change the situation for better, so he changed his mind. I mean, God isn’t limited by time and space, right? He could turn back the hand of time.”

  Dr. Judy pinched the bridge of her nose. “You really are a smart girl, Olga. I suppose if you get Genesis One, where God created the Heavens and the Earth, then you understand anything is possible.”

  My eyes lit up. “So you agree that’s the best possible hypothesis. And now an evil spirit… a demon, is possessing Conner because someone is mad about the whole thing. Maybe Conner was sent to hell, and the demons feel robbed or something.” I hesitated, noting how insane this sounded. “Do you have anything to add?”

  “No,” she muttered.

  I scoffed. “You know, Mom and Dad always told me not telling the whole truth was still a lie.”

  Crossing her arms over her chest, she tucked in her bottom lip. “Please, Olga, trust me on this. No matter what you believe, I do have your best interest at heart.”

  “Trust you? I barely even know you!” My gaze bounced from her to the framed picture of the pier behind her. “Or do I?” Adjusting my glasses, I waited for a confirmation she would never give.

  Nate squinted at her. “Come on, Dr. Judy. Your name was on my and Olga’s files.”

  She waved a hand. “Someone obviously wants to confuse you. And it’s not God. He is not the author of confusion. The best thing you can do is let this go.”

  “That’s your response? My best friend is missing and being possessed by a demon! I need some real answers!”

  “Please, Olga. I wish there was more I could do, but that’s the only answer I can give.”

  I took a breath, but I was beyond calm now. “Oh, okay then. I guess I’ll just skip out of your office and continue my parade of unicorns and rainbows because, ya know, let go and let God, right? Divine intervention means everything happens for a reason and everything will turn out for the better. No need to worry. I’ll just keep on YOLOing.”

  Dr. Judy’s eyes snatched at mine with fury, with unspeakable truths. “This conversation is getting us nowhere. Perhaps we should reschedule fo
r another time.”

  For a moment, we all sat in silent helplessness. The drone of the wall clock measuring time seemed to make the seconds move slower.

  “Time isn’t what we think, is it?” I asked her. “It’s confusing. So many clocks running at once, it’s hard to tell which one is the real time. But the pendulum always swings back, and we return to the place we were before.”

  I knew my thoughts had taken another weird turn, but I had this feeling that what I said actually made sense to Dr. Judy.

  She nodded. “You have no idea.”

  I looked at Nate, then tucked my hair behind my ears. “That’s right. I don’t. And whose fault is that?”

  Shaking her head vigorously, she said, “Like I said, this conversation was a mistake. You need to leave now, both of you.”

  I stood, gathering my book bag before heading to the door. Just as Nate turned the knob, Dr. Judy spoke.

  “Olga, if that thing inside Conner contacts you or Nate—”

  “You’ll be the last person we call.” I cleared my throat, nodding for Nate to open the door.

  And with those parting words, I closed the door behind me.

  “To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal.

  You see, I could conceive death,

  but I could not conceive betrayal.”

  —Malcolm X

  he next night, I lay awake in bed and thought about Conner. I’d just returned home from a celebratory dinner with my parents. Earlier today, I received my letter from the University of Michigan. The acceptance didn’t come as a surprise, but the statement Dad showed me at dinner was. Turns out he started an investment for me the day they found out Mom was pregnant and I had $67,980 for college! All this time, I thought we were poor, but really, Dad was just the cheapest man on Earth.

  I debated telling them I applied to Harvard, too. But I didn’t know if they’d exactly be happy I went behind their back. The University of Michigan had always been the goal we worked toward together, and my scholarship was contingent on going to an in-state school. Getting into Harvard was a long shot anyway, but one I felt compelled to take when sending out my college applications in the fall. For now, though, I’d keep my mouth shut. Too many things were up in the air, like Conner missing again.

  I picked up the Daily Meditation Guide off my nightstand, wondering if the mysterious journal had any new words of wisdom to offer me tonight. But none of the verses, prayers, or profound thoughts grabbed hold of me. I felt lost. I knew God didn’t will trouble, but why wasn’t he sending more answers my way to help Conner?

  Reaching over to return the journal to its place, I jumped. A girl sat on my floor, only I could see through her. She was pale, even for a ghost, and she wore a blue sundress, her long locks in a messy bun on the top of her head. If I didn’t recognize her from my vision, I would’ve trembled in fear. Instead, my face broke into a smile at the memory of her as I scrambled out of bed.

  “Grace?” I crouched down next to her on the carpet. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to help you,” she said seriously. “I planted your old journal in your room a few months back in hopes it’d help you remember enough, but it hasn’t. But never mind that. We haven’t got much time.”

  My whole body relaxed at once. Finally, I was going to get some answers. “I’m so glad you’re here. I keep having all these memory flashes and—”

  “I know,” she said with a relish.

  “You know? How?”

  “Well, I’m dead. So were you, Nate, and Conner once. But none of you ever went to heaven. That’s where I am now. Did you know there’s a huge football arena in heaven? We have these passes we use to get in.”

  “You watch football in heaven?”

  “No, not football. We watch the ones we left behind. Our passes keep track of our hours. Each newbie gets three hundred sixty-five hours a year, one hour a day, but we can use the hours however we want. We have a tiny screen in front of our seat when we sit down. We type in who we want to see, slip on a special pair of glasses, and voila, we see the game of life being played on the field. Each person sees something different, our own friends and family members, but we’re all there to cheer them on, to pray for them.”

  “I thought everyone would just be worshipping God in heaven.”

  “Oh, that’s definitely the focus. I mean, it’s so glorious, you want to just fall down on your knees and sing all the time. But you don’t forget about everyone you’ve left behind, especially at the beginning of your afterlife. You still want to see them until they move on with you, but your viewing time decreases a little bit each year.”

  “That makes sense.” Sort of. None of this really made sense.

  “Yeah, and our passes expire after seventy-five years because really, most of the people we cared about will be gone by then.”

  “So, you care about me? Were we friends when I was dead?”

  “Not really, no. Nate was more my friend than you, but you’re the one whose best friend is being possessed by a demon. And it’s just so frustrating watching all of you not remember the predicament that landed you here in the first place and watching my mom keep everything from you. I’m just so sick of all the secrets, so I’m here to give them away.”

  “Your mom is Dr. Judy.” My voice was hushed but certain.

  Grace nodded.

  “How exactly did you come here, though? The dead can just visit Earth whenever they fancy a visit?”

  “They can if they’re half archangel.” Her face shone with the admission. “But I still don’t have much time.”

  A second later, she launched herself into telling a hurried story about how in the past, Conner did die from the lightning strike, how I swallowed an entire bottle of pain pills after his funeral and it caused my accidental suicide, how Nate died in his car crash drag racing Bo, and I spent a year in Limbo with him after our deaths, how her mom had been our counselor in Limbo, too, how Dr. Judy learned about Grace’s suicide the day Nate and I told her we wanted to become spirit guides instead of moving on to Heaven, how we trained with angels named Riel and Ash as they mentored our work with Grace, but how I couldn’t concentrate on the assignment because suddenly, I knew I was dead and that meant I could possibly find Conner in the Underworld. My worry for him caused me to regress from the state of joy and peace I’d achieved with Nate during Limbo and sent me on a rogue mission of my own, where I conspired with a demon named Sam to visit Conner in Juvie in exchange for stealing a file from Spirit Guide Headquarters.

  “I’m such a jerk,” I said, feeling feverish.

  I’d let Grace tell the whole story without interruption, partly out of worry she’d disappear before having enough time to explain everything, partly because I tried desperately to recall it all. Hearing the truth didn’t make me remember, but it did make me feel sick to my stomach.

  “I screwed everything up.”

  Grace looked at me, her eyebrows drawn together in concern, her hands clasped together as if she prayed. “Partly, but your heart was in the right place, and that made all the difference. In the end, your actions bought you, Nate, and Conner another chance of life. But not without making some enemies first. That’s what I’m really here for, to warn you.”

  “What do you mean?” Surely there couldn’t be anything worse coming than what she’d just described to me.

  “Sam,” said Grace, looking vaguely toward the clock hanging on my wall. “He got kicked out of the Underworld for what he did, and the demon in charge there wasn’t too pleased about that.”

  “Who I’m guessing was Satan?”

  “Right. Sam’s memory was wiped clean, too, but Satan found a way to get those files to him, the same ones you and Nate discovered at the cabin yesterday. That made Sam curious enough to pay a visit to Grand Haven, and when he discovered Conner in a coma, he took advantage of the situation.”

  “What? That’s why Conner woke up.”

  “Yes, but now Sam remembers who he i
s. He’s been staying with a Satanic priest who called on greater demons to get some answers. He’ll be coming after you soon.”

  “For what?” I asked slowly, my brain struggling to absorb yet another piece of shocking information. “Just to mess with me?”

  “He wants revenge for getting kicked out of the Underworld.” She chewed her lip. “How he’ll get it, I can’t tell you.”

  My eyes bulged as I clutched my arms. “But I thought you came here to tell me things.”

  Her stance was unmoving, her hands still folded neatly in her lap. “Oh, I did. I can’t tell you because I don’t know. But I’m certain his revenge will revolve around you. He’s obsessed with you.”

  “Should I be flattered?” I grinned bleakly.

  “I wonder…” Grace spoke into the air rather than at me, her posture straightening. “But that can’t be his plan. It’d never work on Earth, would it?”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  But in that moment, Grace held up a hand to silence me. “I have to be very careful what I say. There are demons here now, listening. I don’t want to give them any ideas with my theories. Plus, I’m causing a disturbance. Your guardian angel is having a fit over your shoulder. He thinks I’m compromising your soul by telling you all of this, but I think I’m giving you the chance to fight.”

  My heart would surely burst, it pounded so fast. “There are demons in my room right now?”

  “Yes. Okay, I’m going,” she whispered, looking over my shoulder. “Be careful, Olga! I won’t be able to come back. I’ve already used all my observation hours watching this unfold, so I won’t know what’s going on to help you anyway. My hours will renew at the end of May, and I’ll check on you as soon as I can, but hopefully this will all be over by then. Good luck.”