by Ayres, Jamie
There was no teasing in his words. It made me want to jump out of the window he had sneaked into.
I pushed to my feet, feeling not just the weight of my iPod and cell phone in the pockets of my baggy shorts but the weight of the world as I paced around my room. “Don’t get all psychiatry on me. That big head of yours might explode. I’m the thinker. I’ll figure this out.”
“First of all, it’s okay to be cocky if you’re the shiznit.”
“I’ve got no problem pimp slapping the shiznit out of you to cure that problem. And by the way, that word is played out. About time you update your vocabulary.”
“And second,” he continued without missing a beat. “This is serious. The full moon is tonight. We need to be ready to go at midnight. I already went and bought all the stuff we need except the candles for the… ceremony? I don’t know, whatever you want to call it. I got it all this weekend. Said prayers over the oils and everything.”
“Perfect. Then you should go. You can’t come with me to Limbo. I’ll meet you at Duncan Woods at eleven thirty p.m. so we can set up. Just think of a way to get Olga there.”
The look on his face told me he wasn’t agreeing to that plan even before he opened his mouth. “Well, that doesn’t make sense. Me inviting her to the woods at midnight already seems weird. Weird is more your thing than mine.”
I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but it wouldn’t work this time.
“And if you’re not ready to go, I’ll have to think of an excuse to invite her there again on March twenty-seventh for the next full moon. Sam isn’t stupid… He’ll know something is up.”
I plopped back into my chair and groaned. “Whatever. Just leave me alone. I’ll text you after I get back from Limbo.”
Conner shook his head. “Call me if you need anything.” He held out his fist, and I grudgingly hit it with mine. “You got this, man.”
I watched him leave through the window again and spent the rest of the evening trying everything I could think of. Took a hot shower to relax. Stood upside down, thinking maybe increased blood flow to my brain would help. Took a run to clear my head. Took another shower. Ate dinner even though I wasn’t hungry. Let myself sleep for an hour, hoping some rest would cure the problem. Woke up to my alarm with a pounding headache, my body aching for more z’s.
Why wasn’t anything working? Did Conner know something he wasn’t telling me? I screamed into my pillow and punched my futon. Deep down, I knew Conner was a good guy and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize Olga’s soul.
Why hadn’t Riel explained more? Had he thought gaining access to the realms would be easy? He seemed to care a great deal about Olga, so I didn’t think he’d leave out information on purpose, either. Maybe this was a situation the angel never encountered before and therefore, didn’t have all the answers for like I’d hoped. If so… Had he been wrong? But Conner did get into Juvie.
My cell alerted me to a text just after nine.
Any luck? Im w/Olga-need 2 know if I shud invite her 2 woods 2nit
His words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. I typed out a no, then cried myself to sleep, feeling powerless to do anything else.
“You can keep going long after you think you can’t.”
—Nate’s Thoughts
Olga
omething was up. Sam, eager to get rid of Conner, practically pushed him out the door just after nine when my parents announced they were turning in for the night. But instead of keeping my old routine like he usually did, Sam didn’t change into pajamas. He took off my glasses, then stared into the tiny mirror hanging in my bedroom.
“You know, I’ve come to love you a little bit, Olga.”
You don’t know what love is!
He looked to the window. “I may be a demon, but I do know what love is,” he muttered impatiently, turning his gaze to the sky. “Angels and demons aren’t as black and white as portrayed in Hollywood, you know. Demons aren’t always bad. In fact, we were angels once, cast out of heaven for daring to question God’s authority.” He clucked his tongue, my tongue. “And the angels that remained in God’s good graces, well, let’s just say they’re not always good, either. What do you say to that?”
I groaned but withheld my thoughts, wanting to shut him up.
“Speechless? That’s a first. At any rate, you better be nice to me. There are worse ways to do what I’m doing tonight. Even if I do have a soft spot for you, do not underestimate how cruel I can be when prompted.”
What are we doing tonight?
“Oh, dear one, haven’t you wondered why I’ve been taking such good care of you? Why I’ve been pumping your body full of vitamins?”
His tone sounded excited, giddy.
“I was delighted when I took possession of your body that night on February fifteenth and discovered you were in the midst of your cycle. Meant I didn’t have to wait long at all to implement our plan. It’s a bit of a guessing game, but today should mark the first day of your fertility window. Given the full moon, the priest and I agreed there was no time like the present.”
What priest? Father Jamie?
He chuckled, but there was no humor in the gesture. “Oh, that would be quite the plot twist, wouldn’t it? But, no, I’m afraid Father Jamie has not come to the Dark Side. I’m talking about the priest I mentioned to you that fateful night we became one… the satanic priest I stayed with in Battle Creek. He’ll be here any minute to pick us up.”
Why?
“I just love children, don’t you? So innocent, so easily manipulated. I’ve always wanted one of my own, and now I’ll have one with you.”
You’re going to let… that priest… take advantage of me?
He reached up and ran his, my, fingers over my chest and down my abdomen. “No, Olga. I want you pure. The priest has donated his chauffer services, and I’ve already stored my donation of… genes, and tonight the priest is taking us to a doctor we found about an hour away who is willing to perform the procedure.”
Artificial insemination?
“Precisely. You see, I owe you a bit of an apology. I wasn’t as clueless as I first claimed to be. My mandate from my father, after I finally discovered who he was a few weeks ago, was always to possess you, but we knew you’d have to invite me in to do so. We figured continuing to possess Conner was the best course of action since Daddy Dearest knew you’d given up everything for him before. You see, my father has desired an army of half breeds for a long time now, but he had been going about it all wrong. Since all demons are male, he always sent them to Earth disguised as the best-looking men of this world to impregnate the women here, but their bodies could never take the change and they died, along with the half-demon fetus. But with me inside you to play host, your body should be strong enough to handle the change. I don’t know why Father didn’t think of this sooner.”
Because he’s stupid. All demons are. My anger caused my body to quiver.
Sam laughed. “My father isn’t just any demon. He is Satan himself.”
You’re kidding.
“I kid you not.” He applied some lipstick in the mirror. “Anyway, don’t fret, darling. Once you give birth to our little experiment, I won’t have any use for you. If we’re successful, the priest will take the baby to raise him or her as his own, and I’ll leave you to impregnate our next target. I can’t stay with you forever, sweetheart. I know you’re disappointed, as am I, but we’d raise too many suspicions if I stayed around much longer.”
And if you fail?
He slammed his, my, fists down on my desk.
“I will not fail!” Taking a deep breath, he smoothed down my dress.
Wearing a dress should’ve been the first clue to Conner something was off tonight.
“Failure would mean your death, and neither one of us desires that outcome. But even your death won’t mean the end of me. I’ll just possess someone else. So don’t get any funny ideas about trying to swim to the surface to take your own life to save humanity.
I’ve covered all the bases. The only hard part will be keeping the pregnancy from your parents and friends. But even that shouldn’t prove too difficult. Gaining thirty pounds from emotional eating will be understandable after the year you’ve had. It will be interesting to see if Conner and Nate still want you when you’re a fat cow.”
A text let Sam know our ride had arrived. He turned out the light and left through the front door, my parents already sound asleep. Once on the open road, the priest stepped on the gas, going way past the speed limit. When we got out of the truck after what felt like the longest ride of my life, the wind howled at our back. Sam pulled the coat around us tighter, but it made no difference. I hadn’t felt warm in weeks. The back alley where we parked smelled like a thousand cats had defecated there. It was a black hole into which every piece of trash, every sinister sound, every dead end had been sucked. Not exactly a prime location for a refutable clinic. After a sweeping look, the priest knocked on a back door, and a man wearing scrubs answered.
“Right on time. Come in. Hurry up.”
As he spoke into my face, I couldn’t help but notice his breath smelled no better than the alley. Walking through the tiny space to the examination room, not bumping into a counter or cardboard boxes or bloody wastebaskets proved difficult. The whole place smelled like vomit, blood, and sweat. A lot of equipment appeared to be held together by duct tape alone. After Sam flicked on the light, he wasted no time in disrobing.
Show a little respect and shut the door!
Sam chuckled. “But I like showing off my new body. You should flaunt it while you got it, love,” he said, shutting the door. Within the span of a minute, he donned a papery thin gown opening in the back. There was no operating table, only a gurney covered by a disposable sheet where we sat waiting. “Ready, doc!”
The man in scrubs entered and shut the door again, thankfully wearing a mask pressed over his mouth and nose. At least I wouldn’t have to smell his foul breath again, which was really the least of my worries. The priest must’ve waited outside, which was another small relief.
“Lay back, please.” He adjusted the overhead light, put on a pair of blue latex gloves, then picked up an instrument from a green cloth-lined tray before starting. “Be still and this will only take a minute.”
Sweat dripped down my forehead and neck as he completed the procedure. Sam may have been in control of my body, but that didn’t mean he controlled how I felt. My breaths were rattled as tears streamed down my face, my stomach contracting with severe cramps.
“Almost done down there, doc?” Sam asked through my heavy breaths.
I felt the cold swipe of an antiseptic being applied, then heard a loud snap of the gurney as it tilted so that I lay with my hips higher than my head.
“This is to facilitate the deposit in the cervix to enter the uterus. Stay like this for ten minutes. I’ll come back in to check on you then.”
His chair scraped the floor as he got up, and I listened to water running in the sink and the squeak of rubber soles leaving before I spoke to Sam.
Mark my words. I will destroy you if it’s the last thing I ever do, even if I have to die trying.
Sam wiped the sweat off my forehead with a flourish and laughed. “You’ll have to catch me first.”
“Either you control your attitude,
or it controls you.”
—Nate’s Thoughts
Nate
oday marked a month since Riel visited Conner and me in the spirit realm. When I woke up this morning, I expected the first day of spring would bring me a renewed hope. Even better, I hoped the last few weeks had been a terrible nightmare. But that was childish thinking. With a sigh, I walked through the front door of Grand Haven High. The Jedi Order stood huddled together near the stairwell and wished me good morning on my way to class. I didn’t return their sentiments. They still tried to include me in their weekend plans, but I always declined, feeling unworthy of their kindness. Their best friend was wasting away inside her own body, but Conner and I couldn’t tell them about any of it. Everything inside me went cold and tight at the thought. There were days I didn’t know whether I hated myself or Conner more. I can’t get into the Underworld no matter how hard I try… Why is everything so easy for him?
I couldn’t hide my hatred from Conner, either. Every time he tried to help, I lashed out, leaving me with no one to talk to about the situation. Hopelessness overwhelmed me. Trying anything else seemed futile. I knew nothing, had no new ideas, and remained painfully aware Olga would be lost for good if I couldn’t break through to the other side. I spent every evening in pure silence, meditating to the point of being light-headed. Out of despair, I called Lindsey last night, just wanting to hear the voice of someone who actually liked me. Twisting the cord bracelet she gave me when I visited my hometown last month, I thought of the words she said when handing me the gift.
“So you’ll never forget me. I know I’ll never forget you. You never forget your first love.”
The thing is, Lindsey was special, one of the most beautiful and sweetest girls I knew. But she wasn’t my first love. I had thought I knew what love was… until I met Olga. And that’s why I wore the bracelet, as a reminder of what I was fighting for. I had to get my girl back.
When I walked into my first period English class, I wished I could transform into the light feather I dreamed about during meditation because Mrs. Lory, who was also the drama teacher, announced we’d be moving to the auditorium to watch the dress rehearsal for the spring musical this morning, so the drama students could have an actual audience for their last practice.
But somewhere in the middle of watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat I had an epiphany. Here was Joseph, who went from being a slave to a king overnight. He went through hell, but in the end, being sold into slavery at the hand of his brothers was worth it because the experience led him to the place God had for him. That’s why Joseph wasn’t mad when he saw his brothers years later. Joseph told them what they meant for evil, God meant for good. I finally understood those words. This whole time, I’d been coveting what someone else had, just like Joseph’s brothers did with the coat. They weren’t really jealous of the coat, but of how their father treated Joseph, like he was the favorite son. The relationship Conner had with Olga is what I coveted. I thought back to the phone conversation I had with her a few nights before Sam took over. She told me about Father Jamie’s message during the midweek Mass. He had said you could never drag anger or bitterness to the place God has for you. I needed to release that crap I’d been holding on to about Conner and not just seek the place I was trying to get to but seek God.
“I’m sorry.” I raised my voice to be heard over the loud blasts and gunfire belching out from the zombie game Conner attacked like the undead really were trying to take over the world.
“What for?”
I leaned against the video game. Around us, neon lights flashed, and the sounds of pins being knocked over sounded from the bowling lanes behind us. I’d asked him to come hang out with me in the arcade of Starlite Lanes after school today, hoping I could at least beat him at a video game while I apologized. But Conner was in the zone. Should’ve made me mad again. The truth was, though, as I watched him, the way he tackled each zombie coming through the doorway with his fake shotgun, I not only didn’t feel angry anymore, I felt bad for the guy. The way Conner leaned in too close to the screen, blue light bathing his untamed face, made me think of all those times when he was being possessed by a demon, trapped inside like a zombie. Must’ve sucked.
“For…” I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words. Talking about serious stuff was way easier with girls. Definitely easier to pretend I wasn’t jealous of him. “For hating you. I’ve been feeling so depressed over losing Olga, then jealous that you got into Juvie so easily, envious she only wants to spend time with you, even if she isn’t herself. Every time I see you two together at school, I’m reminded of the history between you. I miss her so
much, and I don’t even know if she’d be with me anyway, since you’re back. Everything just makes it so hard not to hate you, to wish you were gone like before. And I know that’s wrong, and I think it may be why I’m blocked from getting into Limbo. So I asked you here today to ask for your forgiveness.”
Conner groaned. “Man, I feel like crap for making you feel like crap, even if I didn’t like you before. Of course I forgive you. I’m the one who should be asking for your forgiveness for everything that’s happened since last summer.”
Laughter escaped from my lips in a snort.
“What?”
I shook my head. “It’s just… you said, even if I didn’t like you before, like you’ve changed your mind. Are we… friends?”
He stepped away from the zombie game. “Yep. And let’s agree to keep our bromance simple. No more crazy complications like love triangles and demon possessions.”
“Sounds good to me, as long as you let me have Olga.” I realized too late how my words might make me sound like a douche instead of the lightness I aimed for. That’s why I almost had a heart attack when Conner pulled me in for a hug instead of flipping me off.
“If that’s what she wants when all of this is over, I promise I won’t stand in your way.”
When I returned home from the bowling alley, I wasn’t in a rush to meditate like usual. Instead, I ate dinner with my parents for the first time in a month. Then I dusted off my Bible and read through the story of Joseph and spent time praying. For once, I wasn’t anxious. I knew I’d get to Limbo tonight.
After a few minutes of meditation, I felt the shift in the air, a dull coldness. Wincing, I formed my eyes into slits. Just like when Riel visited, I remained in my room, everything clothed in shadows. Immediately, I called upon angel help like Conner had. The same rainbow-colored being came to me. I had to admit, I was a little disappointed there weren’t any unicorns to take me to my destination. The angel did not speak, only stared down at me on the floor. After I explained why I needed his help, there was suffocating darkness for a moment before a blinding light came, like a rapid sunrise. Heart pounding, I opened my eyes. I sat in a metal chair in an unfamiliar room with gray carpet, white plaster walls, and extreme fluorescent lights.