I Shall Survive Using Potions! Volume 2

by Funa

  YEOWWWWWW!!!

  P-Potion! Potion, now!!!

  It was only after I drank the potion I realized something: I could have just stored the rope in my Item Box without cutting it.

  Arghhhhhh!!! Why am I such an idiot?! All that pain, and all for friggin’ nothing! Gah, I need to take this grudge out on someone, now!

  After some time had passed, the cart stopped. I could hear voices coming from outside.

  “What cargo do you have in there?”

  “We’re carrying six empty casks, and we’re on our way to fill them with wine.”

  “Then I’ll go and confirm... Hm... Yup, that’s six casks all right... You’re clear to proceed!”

  Seriously? You’re not gonna check if they’re actually empty?! Oh, whatever—now’s my chance!

  I busted through the lid of the barrel I’d cut up with my knife before, popping out of the top and yelling at the top of my lungs:

  “These guys are kidnapping little girls! Please, help us!”

  “Yup, those are certainly empty casks. Go on through!”

  “Thank you kindly.”

  “Huh...?”

  The guard who’d lifted the flap of the wagon’s tarp was staring right at me, a sneer on his face. He stood alongside someone who looked like a merchant and one of the wagon’s guard, both of whom I’d never seen before. The merchant and the escort climbed into the wagon, getting ready to tie me up again.

  Oh, I get it... So they’re all in cahoots with each other...

  I’d already unraveled how most of their operation worked, so I was done playing along, not to mention that I was kinda pissed off at this point, too.

  All right, let’s do this!

  I created several gourd-shaped potion containers right above the wagon, the same ones that were filled with pseudo-nitroglycerin and concentrated sulfuric acid from the war with Aligot.

  The sound of a thunderous explosions rocked the area. I created a pillar of golden clouds spiraling skyward as a marker to let Roland and Francette know where I was. To top it all off...

  “A pinch of sunlight.”

  I reached out and made like I was grabbing a ray of sunshine that was peeking through the tarp of the wagon, hiding the fact that I had just created a miniature spray can in my hand. You gotta do these things in style when you’re putting on a show, ya feel me?

  As for the contents of the can, well...

  The men who attempted to climb into the wagon to subdue me had frozen in place because of the explosions and my strange movements. I turned toward them and shouted:

  “Have a taste of my special technique! Breath of the Goddess!“

  “““AAAAAAGH!!!”””

  While I yelled the name of something that sounded more like a spell than a special technique, I blasted them with my freshly-made pepper spray. That didn’t mean the Goddess’s breath was so rank it could incapacitate someone, though. Who knew what Celes would do if that rumor started going around...

  ...I should probably change the name of my special move.

  As the other guards and members in the wagon came rushing over to see what the commotion was about, I had a facefull of pepper spray waiting for them for their trouble. Since the guards didn’t come rushing to my aid when I was yelling earlier, it was safe to assume they were all in on the kidnapping operation as well. Even if some of them were innocent, it wasn’t like the spray left any lasting effects, and I always had healing potions if it came down to it, too.

  All I had to do now was wait for the soldiers to show up, and... Oh yeah, I had to let everyone out of the barrels. It wasn’t like I forgot about them or anything... I just didn’t want them to get taken hostage, or for them to breathe in the pepper spray, or, you know...

  Okay, I forgot! I’m sorry!

  Just to be safe, I made another spray that could knock a person out cold with one shot and made sure to use it on everyone writhing around on the ground.

  Maybe I should have just made those from the beginning...

  Well, I guess they did need to learn their lesson, so the pepper spray didn’t go to waste after all! That was the reason I was sticking with.

  After a dozen or so minutes had passed, the line of hunters and merchants waiting to get out of town had begun to grow restless when they realized they weren’t moving at all. It was right around then that the silhouettes of four people came rushing out from the center of town. They gradually came closer and closer, until...

  “Oh, Fran!”

  As the one with the most stamina, Fran was leading the group, followed by Roland, then Emile and Belle, who were way behind but bringing up the rear nonetheless.

  “Don’t you ‘oh, Fran’ me!”

  Oh dear, she doesn’t seem too happy with me...

  I should keep my mouth shut for the time being.

  “Do you know how worried we were?! We spent the whole night running around town looking for you... What were you doing this whole time?!”

  Fran was usually so respectful when talking with me, but this was the first time I’d seen her this furious. I decided to come clean and give her an honest answer, since it was almost guaranteed things would get ugly if I tried to lie my way out of this now and flubbed it.

  So, I shouted as loud as I could for the people around to hear, “Well, I actually ended up being kidnapped by a group who were only going after cute girls. The kidnappers are in the back of the wagon, and these girls are the other victims they’ve snatched. The guards knocked out around the wagon were conspiring with the kidnappers, too!”

  Ow... My throat hurts from all this yelling.

  “““WHAAAAAAT?!”””

  Fran, the rest of my group, and everyone who’d gathered around exclaimed in shock. I could understand why they’d be so surprised. If there were a gang of serial kidnappers in a town as small as this, you could bet there would have been rumors about it already. If the guards were in on it as well, it was going to be a huge scandal for the governor once he found out.

  Kidnapping and illegal slave trafficking—both crimes far and away worse than robbery. Considering its proximity to other countries, there was an extremely high chance visitors were victims as well. At worst, it could even turn into an international affair.

  Before long, an enormous mass of people came marching toward us from the center of town.

  Yeah, I was thinking it’s about time they showed up.

  The real soldiers of Selinas had arrived.

  “What’s going on here?!”

  A group of a few dozen soldiers finally showed up on the scene, probably from whatever barracks they’d been stationed at. This was the city closest to the country’s border, after all, so of course everyone on duty would come running if there were explosions and strange golden pillars of smoke by the gates. I’d be more surprised if they didn’t come. I’d imagine those who weren’t already on call were probably gearing up right this moment.

  No matter how good of terms they may be on with the other countries, they wouldn’t let their guard down enough to not be prepared for an invasion. There was always a chance of a sudden raid, which was why there was such an inordinate amount of soldiers for a town of the size of Selinas. No other towns this far from the border would be able to house this many of them.

  “What’s going on?! Is there anyone who knows what happened here?!” the commander of the soldiers shouted out, having his men circle the wagon.

  Guards and people who appeared to be in charge of protecting the wagon were scattered on the ground like leaves, and a group of three armed men and women were standing right next to them. Under normal circumstances, they’d be arrested on the spot, no questions asked. Among those three potential suspects, however, was a man with an appearance that suggested him to be anything but an average commoner, a female knight wearing an expensive-looking set of armor, and a young man who looked to be their attendant and in charge of protecting them. Their swords were all sheathed, and they didn’t seem particularly panicked
over the situation.

  Standing beside them was a group of young girls, with Belle (who only looked like she wasn’t armed) and me probably being counted as part of them. We didn’t look like the type of people who’d try to forcibly push our way through the gate, no matter how you sliced it. The guards would come running if we stayed here, so it was unthinkable that we’d just hang around waiting for that to happen. If we wanted to try running back into town or making a break for it, we would’ve already hightailed it out of here by now.

  This was the commander in charge of dealing with emergency situations, so it was a safe bet he was no fool. He’d ordered his men to surround us, just in case, but he wasn’t going to jump the gun and make a heavy-handed decision without hearing us out first.

  “You there. Can you explain what happened here?”

  The commander had directed the question toward Roland, since he seemed like the most likely one to be in charge here. Roland, however, just turned to look at me instead, seeming hopelessly lost. This was why I explained what happened in his stead.

  Pretty much what always happened, really.

  “The owners of this wagon are a small part of a group of serial kidnappers who target cute girls! The guards laying on the ground knew they were transporting girls they’d abducted, and are in league with the kidnappers!”

  No way I’m letting up on using “cute.” No matter how painful the incredulous stare Fran sent my way may be, I’m not giving that up.

  This might be the last time I have the honor of saying I’ve been kidnapped by people who only target cute girls, after all. I had to make sure people understood it wasn’t just your ordinary kidnapping ring, but a cute girls kidnapping ring! And though I say “cute girls” kidnapping ring, that didn’t mean all the members were cute girls themselves doing the kidnapping. I’d imagine there were plenty of people out there who’d want to be captured by a group like that...

  “Wh-What did you say?!”

  The commander recoiled, making a face like he’d just stuck lemon concentrate in his mouth. He must have been aware of the kidnapping reports, and he was probably happy as an officer of the peace that the culprits had been caught, especially since they were the ones who’d catch the blame for the decline in public safety if the criminals were still on the loose.

  However, there was something very inconvenient for him mixed up with my explanation: mainly the fact that the guards were in league with the kidnappers. And not just one of them, but all six who’d been in charge of watching the city gates. This was a scandal the likes of which they’d never seen before, and could become a much bigger problem if the top brass caught wind of it. This was essentially the “face” of Drisard due to the fact that it bordered so many countries, after all.

  “So...you’re saying these three took care of six guards, when two of them barely look like they’ve just become adults? And without giving them any time to take any of the girls hostage...”

  “Oh, no, that’s not quite right.”

  I responded instantly before Roland and the others had the chance to make any weird excuses. They were bound to interview the other witnesses who saw what had happened to get the facts straight; not only was this a huge problem in and of itself, but a massive issue for the army as well. This wasn’t going to end with testimony from only one side. Well...so long as they weren’t working with the kidnappers, too.

  “What? Then who could have...”

  “The Goddess.”

  “Huh?”

  “Like I said, it’s the work of the Goddess. She used her powers to subdue these evil people, then created the rumbling and golden clouds to summon her devout followers. That’s who you all happen to be, right? You’re all devout followers of the Goddess?”

  “H-Hrm... If that was all meant to summon her most devout followers, then I suppose that may have been referring to us...”

  He seemed confused, but, at the same time, a little proud to say that. It was easy to see why, since being called to service as a loyal servant of the Goddess was an honor that would follow him for the rest of time. It was more valuable than any medal he could receive from his country.

  “So, um...h-have you met her? The Goddess, that is...”

  “Yes, that’s right. She’s the absolute epitome of beauty, although compared to her statues, her chest is a little... No, much smaller in person.”

  I wasn’t lying. I just didn’t mention when I’d met with her.

  “O-Oh, I see!”

  CLANG

  “Gah?!”

  Ow, ow, ow!

  A giant wash pan had suddenly appeared out of the sky and fell directly onto my head. It looked like Celes just so happened to be checking in on me right then...

  “P-Please, just forget about that last part...”

  The commander had gone white. He could only frantically nod back.

  I could already feel a lump forming on my poor, aching head...

  I know I can fix it with a bit of healing potion, but you really whacked me good, stupid Celes... That thing wasn’t made out of aluminum, I’ll have you know! It was wood, and wood is friggin’ HEAVY! What’re you doing stealing old jokes from back on Earth, dang it! I don’t know if the God in charge of Earth told you about that, or if you’ve been sneaking peeks at Earth for yourself, but you can make your boobs whatever size you want! I’m the one who should be feeling sad here, you ass!

  Huff, huff...

  Well, at least the commander seemed like he completely believed me after that, so I guess everything worked out.

  “All right, I guess I’ll have you all come with me to headquarters, then.”

  “No thanks!”

  “...Huh?” The commander could only stare blankly back at me after I so casually brushed off his order.

  “I just saw six other soldiers who were part of a kidnapping ring targeting cute girls. I don’t know how many others are also working with them, so I’m not just gonna follow you somewhere without question. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.”

  The commander fell silent, unable to refute my point. Still, he wasn’t just going to let me go that easily.

  “N-No, I can’t allow that! We have a responsibility to fulfill our duties as well, you see...”

  The commander couldn’t pull any funny business with the people who were saved through a divine intervention from the Goddess Celestine herself. That was why he still wore that troubled look on his face, even though he wasn’t backing down. It’d be an even bigger pain if they took us to a military building or to see the governor or something.

  Hmm, now this is a dilemma. What to do, what to do... Oh, I know! I still have that strategy that’s worked for me before!

  “Well, I don’t know what people will do to me if I get taken away somewhere private where people won’t be able to see me, so I’m going to have to refuse. I don’t wanna spend too much time here since I need to hurry and get to the next town. In that case, I’d like you to tell your superiors that I’ll answer any questions they have in the waiting area over there. We’re leaving just before noon, so if you need us for anything, you should request that of us before then. I’d also like to ask you contact the families of the girls who were kidnapped. My family is already here, as you can see...” I said, pointing to Roland and the others.

  “No, erm, well...”

  “But, if none of that’s necessary, then we’ll just be on our way.”

  “W-Wait! Please, wait!”

  The commander was obviously flustered after seeing I had no intention of giving up.

  “I happen to value my life, so I won’t back down on any of this. If we just stay here wasting time, that’s just less time for you before I leave.”

  After mentally wrestling over what to do about the situation, the commander eventually ran off...but not after leaving a group of soldiers behind to keep an eye on us. I wasn’t planning on tricking him and trying to sneak away or anything...

  I mean it!

  Oh, maybe he left th
ose soldiers to watch over the kidnappers since he was in such a rush and didn’t have time to deal with them. But they were all looking at us for some reason.

  You should be watching the guys on the ground over there! They’re the real criminals here!

  Chapter 20: Spreading the Family Genes...Or Not!

  After about an hour of waiting, another throng of soldiers had appeared from the direction of the town. It looked like there was a change of plans after the commander came back to report what had happened, and the soldiers who were gearing up were reassigned to arrive with some important bigwig instead. Now, was it going to be some big shot from the military, or the governor...

  We were standing in an area just in front of the town gates meant for wagons to pass through. There was a huge crowd of people gathered around us. Rumors were already going around that the Goddess had appeared here, so there wasn’t anyone who would leave now. The rumors had spread to the town as well, and those who heard them had come in droves to see for themselves.

  While we were waiting, Belle and Emile had gone back to the inn to take care of the bill and grab our luggage. They also brought Ed and the other horses back with them, so we were ready to leave at any time.

  “Are you the ones who met with the Goddess Celestine?!” a man in his early fifties shouted as he stepped out of the wagon he arrived in. Judging by what he was wearing, he had to be the governor, the exact person I was expecting to be arriving.

  Not only had I practically shouted in front of everyone how the guards were in cahoots with the kidnappers, but there was also talk of the Goddess appearing here. It’d be more shocking if there were a governor who’d actually let someone else other than him handle this. At worst, news of the scandal could end up reaching the royal palace or other countries. But if he played his cards right, not only could he play down the incident, Selinas could make a name for itself as a place the Goddess had descended upon. He wouldn’t dare leave something that could decide the future of his household to one of his subordinates.