Parallel Parking

by Natalie Standiford

  “But all the good girls are taken. They always are.”

  “It seems that way,” Holly said. “But even good girls break up with their boyfriends once in a while. And you’ll be there to swoop in, catch them on the rebound, and take advantage of their vulnerability. Okay?”

  Sebastiano nodded.

  “Feel better now?”

  “Yeah. Thanks, H.”

  Holly was surprised Sebastiano cared so much about a school dance. It wasn’t like him. He usually held himself above things like that. But maybe he was changing.

  QUIZ: IS HE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?

  You’ve got a crush on a super-cute guy. But are your hopes realistic?

  Do you have a chance with him, or is it the Impossible Dream?

  He is the star of the boys’ soccer team. You are:

  a the star of the girls’ soccer team.

  b the star of an upcoming feature film.

  c the star of a puppet show you put on in your basement.

  You are a straight-A student. He is:

  a an A student.

  b a dropout.

  c a nuclear physicist.

  A modeling agent stops him on the street and asks him to model. She turns to you and says:

  a And what about you? You could be an actress.

  b Nice to see you again, Gisele.

  c We also handle animal acts.

  You’re head of the cheerleading squad. He’s:

  a captain of the football team.

  b lead singer of a hot new band.

  c Chief Gorilla of the King Kong fan club.

  His last girlfriend was the Homecoming Queen. Your last boyfriend was:

  a school president.

  b Orlando Bloom.

  c your teddy bear.

  When you told your friends about him, they said:

  a Good for you—you’ll make a great couple.

  b Uh, okay, good luck with that. (While making the crazy sign next to their ears.)

  c He goes to our school? We’ve never heard of him.

  Scoring:

  If you picked mostly As, you and your crush are well-suited for each other. There’s no reason you can’t make it work.

  If you picked mostly Bs or Cs, then either he’s too good for you or you’re too good for him. The balance of power is off. This probably won’t work unless the two of you are stranded on a desert island together. Stop dreaming about him, and find someone who’s more your speed.

  6 Dear Missed Connections Boy

  * * *

  To: linaonme

  From: your daily horoscope

  HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CANCER: Cancers love to nurture their friends. Pity their poor friends.

  * * *

  Not that I read your stupid blog or anything,” Ramona said to Lina one afternoon in gym. They were playing dodgeball, and Ramona and Lina had already been eliminated. They sat contentedly on the sidelines watching the hard-core players duke it out. “But did you see that ad from the guy at Vineland?”

  Lina stiffened. This subject made her nervous. “I saw it.”

  “It had to be one of us, right?” Ramona said. “I mean, a black-haired girl, the same day we were there, and he described what I was wearing exactly. Of course, the description could have fit you, too.”

  “But he was probably talking about you,” Lina said. “Don’t you think?”

  “Yeah, probably,” Ramona said.

  “It doesn’t really matter to me, anyway,” Lina said. “I mean, I’m not available. I’ve got Walker. I’m not interested in anyone new. So whoever this guy is, you know, you can have him.”

  “Hey, don’t try to palm some loser off on me,” Ramona said.

  “I’m not,” Lina said. “I’m just saying that if you like the guy, I won’t stand in your way.”

  “How could you, since the guy obviously likes me?” Ramona said. “Or, you know, he probably does.”

  “I think so, too,” Lina said. It was a white lie, and those were okay.

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “Nothing’s the problem.”

  “Okay then.”

  With a pointed black-purple talon, Ramona picked a scab on one of her chubby knees. Gym clothes didn’t suit her. Her sneakers, an uncool brand, were a size too big, like floppy clown shoes, and one of her kneesocks sagged at her ankle. Her cakey white makeup, wild black hair, talonlike nails, heavily lined eyes, and dark burgundy lips all called for something a little more dramatic than baggy black gym shorts and an equally baggy pink top with RSAGE printed across the front. It was the standard gym uniform. Everyone had to wear it. It didn’t flatter anybody. But on Ramona it was a form of culture clash. It was like pulling back the curtain and seeing the ordinary man pretending to be the wizard. It was a little more behind-the-scenes information than most people wanted.

  Ginny the Gym Teacher blew her whistle. “Round two! Everybody up! Let’s go!”

  “Why are we playing dodgeball today, anyway?” Ramona asked as she hauled herself to her feet. “Isn’t this supposed to be a little kids’ game?”

  “I guess Ginny couldn’t come up with anything better,” Lina said. They were supposed to be outside learning various track-and-field events, but it was raining.

  “It’s better than weight lifting, I suppose,” Ramona said.

  Ginny herded them into the center of the basketball court. Dash Piasecki and Keith Carter stood poised at either end of the gym, ready to annihilate them with the dodge-ball. Ramona didn’t bother dodging; it didn’t hurt that badly to get hit, she said, so it wasn’t worth the trouble. She was the third person out.

  “See you on the sidelines,” she said to Lina.

  Lina worried as she dodged Dash’s missiles. Would Ramona answer the Missed Connections ad? She pretended she wasn’t interested, but Lina knew she had to be curious, at least enough for one meeting to find out who the guy was.

  But what if the guy liked Lina, not Ramona? What if he said so and hurt Ramona’s feelings? Lina knew she shouldn’t care, but she did. A hurt Ramona was a mean Ramona. A rampaging Ramona. And Lina would be standing right in her path.

  Besides, Lina hated to see people get hurt, even people like Ramona, who enjoyed watching others suffer. She was sure Ramona’s bravado was hiding something—insecurity, or a secret wish… .

  I’ll check him out first, she thought, ducking a lame throw by Keith. If I’m the one he likes, I’ll let him down gently. Then, somehow, I’ll keep Ramona from meeting him.

  That way Ramona would never find out that the boy preferred Lina. Ramona could cling to the illusion that she was the girl the boy had liked all along.

  Thonk! The ball belted her on the side of the head while she wasn’t looking. “You’re out, Ozu!” Dash shouted.

  “I know, I know,” Lina mumbled. She ambled to the sidelines and sat next to Ramona. Ramona’s other sock had fallen down, and Lina spotted a blurry skull-and-cross-bones drawn on her ankle in red marker.

  What kind of boy would like Ramona? There had to be one out there somewhere. Maybe the Missed Connections boy was the one.

  Lina wrote:

  Dear Eleventh Grade Boy, I saw your ad. I was at Vineland on the day you mentioned, wearing black, etc., and am curious to meet you. How about after school tomorrow—say 4ish—at Vineland? Let me know. –Black-haired Girl.

  She received an answer right away.

  Dear Black-haired Girl, I can’t wait to meet you. See you at Vineland tomorrow. I’ll be sitting at the table next to the fireplace.

  The next day Lina, purposely not wearing black, went to Vineland and scanned the room. A boy was sitting near the fireplace, watching the door as if waiting for someone. But no, that couldn’t be the Missed Connections boy.

  His straight, dark-blond hair was cut in a short, side-parted, traditional style, and he wore a white button-down shirt tucked into khaki trousers. Those shiny loafers, tassels, no socks. And, yes, a whale belt. Gulp.

  He wasn’t Ramona�
�s type, that was for sure. He wasn’t even Lina’s type. He was clean-cut and preppy, the kind Ramona hated most.

  Lina approached his table. The boy’s face lit up in a moment of anticipation, then settled into a brief look of disappointment. He was too polite to let his disappointment show for long, but Lina wanted to see more of it. It was a good sign.

  “Hi.” Lina sat down beside him. “I’m Lina.”

  “I’m Rex,” the boy said. “Rex Atherton.” He shifted his weight. “I have to be honest with you—you’re not the girl I expected.”

  Lina smiled. “I appreciate your honesty. Was the girl you were hoping for a Goth girl? Ramona Fernandez?”

  Rex nodded. “Don’t get me wrong. I think you’re way cute and everything, it’s just—”

  “It’s all right,” Lina said. “I was hoping you’d like Ramona. I already have a boyfriend.” And I’m so glad, she thought. She made a mental note to bring Walker a box of Jujubes next time she saw him, as a token of her appreciation. Walker loved Jujubes.

  “So what are you doing here?” Rex asked. “Didn’t Ramona want to come?”

  “I think she does,” Lina said. “I just wanted to make sure she was the one you meant in your ad. The description could have fit either of us, you know.”

  Rex laughed. “I didn’t think of that. I was so fixated on her, I didn’t even notice you—what you were wearing, I mean. I’m sorry… I’m so rude….”

  “Rex, please, don’t worry about it. I’m happy that you like Ramona.”

  “So—she doesn’t have a boyfriend or anything?”

  “Ramona?” Lina stopped herself from laughing. “Urn, no. She’s between boyfriends just now.”

  “That’s a relief,” Rex said. Lina took him in again, from the crease in his pants to the neatly combed hair, and was baffled.

  “Um, Rex, if you don’t mind my asking, what is it exactly that you like about Ramona so much?”

  “Oh, I know what you’re getting at,” he said. “I probably don’t look much like the type she usually goes for, right?”

  Lina nodded. To put it mildly.

  “Well, a few weeks ago I was going through a really hard time. I mean really hard. I had these hamsters, see, Hamlet and Ophelia.”

  “Hamlet the hamster,” Lina said, slightly horrified.

  “Yeah. They had just had a litter of babies. I hadn’t even had a chance to name them yet.” His face clouded. Obviously something bad had happened to those baby hamsters.

  “That’s a shame,” Lina said.

  Rex nodded. “One morning I woke up to the sound of the hamster wheel squeaking, squeaking, squeaking, over and over. I got out of bed and—well, it was just… carnage.”

  “Carnage?”

  “Hamlet had gone on a rampage,” Rex said. “He’d killed Ophelia and eaten all the babies. Hamster fur was spattered all over the cage. And Hamlet was running on his wheel, as if trying to sweat away the guilt.”

  “Sweat away the guilt. A hamster,” Lina said.

  “After the rampage I couldn’t get Hamlet to eat. He wouldn’t get off the wheel. He kept running and running… finally he escaped from his cage—I don’t know how. I never saw him alive again.”

  “What happened?” Lina asked.

  “He was crushed by my little brother’s Big Wheel,” Rex said.

  “Ew,” Lina said. “What does all this have to do with Ramona?”

  “I’ll tell you. I went to school that morning, really upset. I tripped over a pile of magazines. It was the new issue of Inchworm. I’d never read it before, but something made me pick up a copy that day. I sat in the courtyard and flipped through it until I came to a poem that made me stop short.”

  “A poem?” Lina asked. At last she could see where this was heading.

  “A poem,” Rex said. “’Wheel of Death,’ by Ramona Fernandez.” He reached into his pocket and took out a neatly folded copy of that very poem. He handed it to Lina.

  “That’s okay, I’ve already read it,” Lina said.

  “Then you see the connection,” Rex said. “Wheels… death…”

  “I get it,” Lina said.

  “I read the poem over and over. It was as if Ramona could see right through my skin. I had to meet her. I asked around, and someone pointed her out to me in the lunchroom. At first I was kind of shocked. I mean, the hair, the makeup… she’s kind of extreme. But then I realized that only someone so extreme could have written that poem. I realized I have a soul. Because of Ramona.”

  Lina swallowed. She was speechless. She hadn’t expected Rex to be so… so… intense.

  “She’s not interested in me, is she?” Rex said. “Please Lina, you have to help me. Help me win Ramona’s heart.”

  Lina had never thought she’d hear a boy say those words. And yet, it had happened.

  Lina swallowed. “Sure,” she said. “Sure, I’ll help you.”

  Maybe Ramona would learn to like Rex. Maybe he was just what she was looking for, in her secret heart of hearts. How could Lina know?

  Or maybe she’ll eat him alive, Lina thought.

  That seemed more likely.

  I wanted a challenge, Lina thought. Now I’ve got one.

  7 High - Low

  * * *

  To: hollygolitely

  From: your daily horoscope

  HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CAPRICORN: A little glamour rubs off on you today when a runner-up from Survivor drives past your house. (Sorry, that’s as good as it’s going to get.)

  * * *

  So guess what,” Sebastiano said. “I asked Natasha Brearly to the Hap this morning!”

  “And… ?” Holly braced herself. Natasha Brearly was yet another unattainable girl. At least she was a junior, not a senior, and thus only one year older than Sebastiano.

  “Holly!” Sean whizzed down the hall on a skateboard, pasting a sticker on Holly’s forehead as he passed. Holly reached up and pulled off the sticker as Sean turned around and skateboarded back to her.

  The sticker was a pink heart that said U R HOT.

  “I found it inside a valentine some girl gave me last February,” Sean said. “I thought it described you perfectly.”

  “To a tee,” Sebastiano said.

  “Thank you,” Holly said. The clumsiness of the gesture charmed her. Clumsiness equaled sincerity. That was her latest boy theory.

  “So—you, me, and Sipress’s party on Friday. Want to go?”

  “Alex Sipress is having a party this weekend?” Holly hadn’t heard about it. Alex was a senior, one of Sean’s friends. Getting invited to senior parties was hit-or-miss at this point in Holly’s popularity saga.

  “You didn’t know?” Sebastiano said. “Living in social Siberia?”

  “Thanks for telling me about it, Sebastiano,” Holly said.

  Sean eyed Sebastiano warily. “Dude, how come you’re always hanging around here?”

  Sebastiano spun the dial on his lock. “Dude, this is where my locker is. What do you want me to do, have it moved?”

  “Dude, that won’t be necessary,” Sean said. “So? Holly? Go to the party with me?”

  “Can I think about it?” Holly asked. Her anti-Sean defenses were breaking down. But she wanted to talk to Mads before she committed to anything. She’d decided that was the right thing to do.

  “Sure, think about it,” Sean said. “Call me and let me know. Later.”

  He skateboarded away.

  “As I was saying,” Sebastiano said, “before we were so rudely interrupted… Natasha turned me down.”

  “I’m sorry,” Holly said. “But she’s another one of those girls, you know, who’s really popular and has a boyfriend. When are you going to try an available girl?”

  “When I find one I like,” Sebastiano said.

  “What about Bridget Aiken?”

  Sebastiano shook his head. “Too mumsy.”

  “Lulu Ramos?”

  “Too tough.”

  “Maybe a freshman. How about Christie
Hubbard?”

  “Who, that slut who tried to steal Rob from you?” Holly’s old boyfriend Rob had briefly dated Christie before realizing she was too boring for him. That was before he dumped Holly for reasons she never could figure out.

  “Ancient history,” Holly said. “I’m over that now.”

  “I don’t want Rob’s castoffs,” Sebastiano said. “Anyway, she’s too big-boned.”

  “If you’re going to be that picky, you’ll never find a date in time.”

  “I don’t see the point in going with someone I won’t have fun with. Why bother?”

  “That makes sense, I guess.”

  They walked into the courtyard to take a break in the sun. Mads was sitting under a tree with Stephen. They were humming some old song and knocking each other on the head.

  “Look at them,” Sebastiano said. “Don’t they look happy? The way mental patients look after a lobotomy.”

  “They do look happy,” Holly said, more to herself than to him. “Excuse me. I’ve got to talk to Mads.”

  She walked over to the humming couple. “Hey, guys,” she said.

  “Hey, Holls,” Mads said. “Sit with us. It’s such a nice day after all that rain.”

  “Mads, can I talk to you for a second?” Holly asked. “Over by the picnic tables?”

  “Sure.” Mads got to her feet and followed Holly to an empty picnic table. “What’s up?”

  “I need to ask you something,” Holly said. “It’s a little touchy….”

  Mads looked concerned. “What is it? You don’t have to be shy with me. You can ask me anything.”

  Holly glanced across the courtyard at Stephen, who had opened a book and was reading. “You guys seem very tight lately.”

  “We are. We nearly blew up when he tried to teach me to drive, but I saved us by getting him to sing in front of me.”

  “That’s great,” Holly said.

  “So what did you want to ask me?”

  “Well, I was wondering how you would feel if… if…” It was hard to say out loud. She’d heard Mads confess her love for Sean so many times. How could she bring this up?