Invisible Life

by E. Lynn Harris

  “Yes, I know this is short notice, but we figured you would be down here with Nicole, and well … it would mean a lot to us,” Kelvin said in a sullen tone.

  “Well, Ray? Please say yes,” Candance pleaded. “Nicole is going to be a bridesmaid and of course we will pair the two of you up.”

  “Well … I’m flattered … but I may be at another wedding. Can I let you know in a couple of days?” I asked evenly.

  “Sure, no problem, Ray,” Kelvin said with a relieved look on his face.

  I didn’t know if I should in fact be flattered or mad at Kelvin for allowing me to be caught off guard like this. A part of me felt flabbergasted. All of a sudden I began to feel very uncomfortable. I picked up the check and gave my credit card to the waiter as Candance started to talk about how excited she was at the prospect of having me in her wedding. The three of us walked out of the restaurant. Night covered the busy streets of Georgetown and the weather hinted that spring was close by. I was saying my good-byes and looking for a taxi when Candance suggested that Kelvin give me a ride back to the hotel.

  “What hotel are you at, Ray?” Kelvin asked.

  “The Hyatt on Capitol Hill.”

  “Honey, I’ve got some studying to do. Why don’t you drop me off first and then give Ray a ride back to the hotel,” Candance suggested.

  “That’s not necessary,” I said.

  “Oh no, Ray, it won’t be a problem. Will it, honey?”

  “No, it won’t,” Kelvin said with a blank look on his face.

  Kelvin and Candance shared an apartment near Georgetown. We dropped Candance off and I hugged and kissed her. When I squeezed her, I realized that Candance felt thinner than she had in January. I surmised that she was getting ready for her wedding day.

  At long last a moment alone with Kelvin. Now that it was finally happening, I began to feel nervous. What did I want from him? Did he want anything from me? As we drove off, the car was filled with silence. Kelvin’s eyes stared straight ahead as we drove down Pennsylvania Avenue. He put in a tape and turned to me. “So what do you think?”

  “Think about what?”

  “About what Candance asked you.”

  “You mean the wedding?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Kelvin, I don’t know what planet you’re on, but you could have called me and warned me about this.”

  “Warned you?”

  “You’re damn right,” I said, raising my voice in an angry tone. I was beginning to get so mad that I knew my face was becoming flushed. I couldn’t remember ever being this angry with anyone. Kelvin looked at me helplessly, driving through several yellow caution lights.

  “Raymond, I’m sorry. You don’t understand.”

  “Understand what, Kelvin? I don’t understand how come you’ve been acting like a raging asshole ever since I ran into you in Saks. I don’t understand why you’ve treated me like someone you’d like to forget. No, you’re right, I don’t understand. Why don’t you explain it to me?” I asked sharply.

  “It’s hard. The wedding idea was Candance’s. She’s really fond of you and you know that Nicole’s her best friend.”

  “Does she know about us?”

  “Are you crazy?”

  “Answer my question,” I demanded.

  “Of course she doesn’t. Have you told Nicole?”

  “I’m not marrying Nicole.”

  “Why won’t you be in the wedding?”

  “I haven’t said I wouldn’t be in it. I just don’t appreciate the way you’ve handled this. Would it have killed you to call?”

  “No, but I got the impression you didn’t want to be bothered.”

  “Where did you get that idea? You’re the one who dropped off the face of the earth without telling me to kiss your ass or good-bye. I thought our relationship meant something to you.”

  I noticed that we were approaching the hotel. Kelvin pulled his car alongside the hotel and turned off the motor. He turned off the tape player, released his seat belt and turned toward me. His brown face glowed in the shadowy light from the placid street and his eyes appeared subdued and sorrowful.

  “Ray, there’s no excuse for how I acted. You know I loved you. There are times when I think I still do … but …” Kelvin paused, looking out the window on his side of the car. His hands appeared to be trembling; his voice sounded remorseful.

  “But, what, Kelvin?” I asked, trying to sound understanding.

  “It would never work. It’s hard enough being a black man. Why add the burden of being gay?”

  “You think we have a choice, Kelvin? Have you given the life completely up? Don’t forget you started this shit for me! Do you know how much that night changed my life?”

  Kelvin just gazed at me, his handsome face looking painfully serious. Part of me wanted to haul off and smack him cold and yet part of me yearned to comfort him. I realized how badly he wanted to be completely heterosexual.

  “I know it hasn’t been all bad, Ray. We can choose not to act on our desires. I love Candance and I think I can make her happy. Maybe you should consider marrying Nicole and then we could be together forever.”

  “What are you talking about?” I was becoming angry again.

  “Just forget what I said, Raymond.”

  “No, I’m not going to let you off that easy. What do you mean?”

  “Well, I know quite a few guys who are married and still deal with males, but it’s usually someone their wife is close to also.”

  I sat motionless and looked at Kelvin. He was serious!

  “What kind of life would that be, Kelvin? Is that fair to Candance and Nicole?”

  “It’s not hurting anyone, especially if they’re happy. Besides, we love each other.”

  “Yeah, once.”

  “You don’t love me, Ray? You told me you’d always love me.”

  “And I do. I just don’t think I’m in love with you. I haven’t made the choices about my life that you have. I don’t know if I’m going to end up with a man or a woman. To be totally honest with you, I’m appalled at your suggestions. I think you should take a closer look at the choices you’re making.”

  Kelvin reached over and grabbed my hand. His touch was familiar and warm, yet it felt cold. I took my hand and gently rubbed the top of his hand. Kelvin started to edge closer to me. His touch never failed to arouse me. I could feel my sex throbbing against the silk boxers that Quinn had given me.

  Slowly and wondrously Kelvin’s face appeared to change. I looked into his eyes and it seemed as though the Kelvin I had fallen in love with had returned. The temptation to grab his face and kiss his lips became overwhelming.

  “So are you going to invite me up to your room?” Kelvin asked in a provocative manner. He was stroking my hand softly.

  I reached up and touched his face. He smiled gently as beads of perspiration started forming on his forehead.

  “If only I didn’t like Candance so much,” I mused. “If only things were different.”

  I slowly pulled back my hands, removed my seat belt and got out of the car. I leaned on the door of his car and smiled at Kelvin. “Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I’ll call you about June twentieth … drive safely.”

  Kelvin looked at me, grimacing as he turned over the ignition. “I do love you, Ray. It ain’t over till it’s over.”

  Kelvin drove away from the hotel. I stood in the parking lot for a moment, looking up at the stars gliding across the sky and admiring the March moonlight. As I walked into the hotel, I felt proud of all that I had accomplished on this trip. I would leave with the information needed to proceed with my trial, the assurance that the first Friday in October when Kelvin and I met so many years ago, had not been for naught and the realization that I did have a choice in what happened in my love life. I had fantasized so many nights about being with Kelvin again, and yet when the opportunity presented itself, I found the willpower to resist. First Basil and now Kelvin.

  Fourteen

  “Gre
at job, Ray,” read the sign in the lobby of my office. We had won. Tri Tech decided to settle out of court for twenty million dollars. I was the hero of the hour in my office. There were congratulations and looks of awe from my coworkers as I walked into my office. My secretary, Hillary, started clapping when I approached her desk. I liked this feeling. Bill and Dan took me to lunch at the ‘21’ Club to talk about my promising future with the firm. I hadn’t felt this wanted since the time they recruited me from law school.

  In many ways I was relieved that we had settled out of court. I experienced nightmares about having someone from the bars sitting on my jury. I worried how my body envelope would come across to the judge and jury. Would they detect my gayness?

  After lunch Dan suggested that I take the afternoon and the following day off, to compensate for all the long hours I had been working. I thanked him and asked that the same offer be made to Susan. Dan happily agreed. I called Kyle to see what he was up to and he suggested that I stop by. He and JJ were taking me to dinner that evening and he suggested we get a head start with the cocktails.

  When I arrived at Kyle’s, he was still in his robe watching “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

  “Is this what you do all day?” I asked.

  “Yes, chile. I start with Regis and Kathie Lee, Sally and Joan midmorning, and end my day with my girl Miss Oprah.”

  “What are you doing about your career and how are you paying your bills?”

  “I have my ways.”

  “Kyle, get serious! What are you going to do? You have bills to pay.”

  “Take a chill pill, Raymond! Stop being a lawyer.”

  “Okay, I’m just trying to help. What’s Oprah talking about today?” I asked, sitting in a chair covered with dirty clothes.

  “Oh, you should enjoy this. It’s gay men who sleep with married men.”

  “Get the fuck out,” I said in disbelief.

  “Yes, chile, look at these queens.”

  I started to look at the panel Oprah had assembled and couldn’t believe my eyes. There were four guys, obviously gay, talking about how they seduce married men. There was only one black guy and he had not yet mastered the English language. He fit every stereotype of finger-popping, quick-witted sissies I had ever known. I looked at the television and then at Kyle and shook my head.

  “What are you shaking your head for? Oprah should have someone like you on her show. This black queen from hell ain’t the kind that married men go after. If they wanted a woman, they would stay at home. They’re looking for confused men like you, mister,” Kyle laughed, and snapped his fingers in my face.

  “I know that’s right,” I retorted. “But I would never go on Oprah’s show. Where are we going for dinner?”

  “Lola’s.”

  “Lola’s? Are you sure you can afford that?”

  “Don’t worry, JJ is helping. I’m getting ready to shower. Maybe we can stop at the Nickel before we meet JJ.”

  “No, Kyle, I told you I was through with that meat market.”

  “Whatever,” Kyle replied as he headed to the bathroom.

  While Kyle was in the shower, I flipped the channels on the TV. When the phone rang, I called out to Kyle to see if he wanted me to answer it, but before he responded, the answering machine picked up. After the beep went off, the voice of a white man could be heard. “Kyle, this is Dave. I have a client that wants to see you this evening. An executive visiting in town. He’s staying at the Marriott Marquis, room 2609. He’s top, says he has nine inches thick uncut … he would like you to wear a G-string. I told him your fee was two-fifty. Call me ASAP so I can confirm.”

  I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. There must be some mistake, I thought. I was staring at the answering machine as though it were going to say, “Sorry, wrong number,” when Kyle walked in with a red towel around his waist and a black one around his head. “Did I hear you call me?”

  “Yeah, it was your phone,” I said coldly.

  “What’s the matter with you?”

  “Kyle, what are you up to?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Listen to your message.”

  “Why?”

  “Just listen.”

  Kyle hit the PLAY button on his machine, and when he heard the voice, he immediately hit the STOP button. A look of panic swept his face.

  “Go ahead, Kyle, play the message. I think it’s important.”

  “Mind your own fuckin’ business, Raymond.”

  “This is my business, Kyle. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t tell me this is how you met Basil.”

  “Like I said, mind your own fuckin’ business, Ray. Don’t judge my life when you’re fuckin’ with two people’s lives.”

  “Kyle!” I screamed. “You can’t compare the two. You’re selling yourself.”

  “Let’s just say I’m getting paid for the pleasure of my company. This is not up for discussion. This is my fucking life, Ray … so just drop it and act like you never heard that message.”

  “But Kyle …”

  “But shit … drop it now, Raymond!” Kyle yelled.

  Kyle went over to his stereo, put on Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire” and started to get dressed. He didn’t say a word and walked around his studio apartment as though I weren’t there. I didn’t know what to say. I felt anger and sympathy for Kyle. What would cause him to do this? Wasn’t he aware of the danger he was putting himself in? Not only sexual danger but physical danger. I wanted to grab him and shake some sense into him, but I knew there was no reckoning with him when he got into these don’t-fuck-with-me moods. When he finished getting dressed, he finally looked at me. “Are you ready to go?”

  We caught a taxi uptown and sat in the backseat as though we didn’t know each other. I was beginning to wonder if I really knew Kyle. What would make him do this? Just when I was going to bring up the call again, the taxi pulled up in front of Lola’s. I decided to wait until after dinner.

  Walking into Lola’s, I thought I had stepped into a dream. There was the sign from my office. I looked around and started to recognize Susan, Brayton, Hillary and, to my surprise, Nicole and Candance.

  “Surprise!” they all yelled in unison.

  I was dumbfounded as I turned to Kyle and he smiled and said, “Got ya.”

  Everybody started coming toward me, giving me hugs and saying things like “Great job” and “Way to go.” JJ gave me a hug and kiss and Bernard gave me a handshake and manlike hug. Finally Nicole came up and whispered, “I’m so proud of you,” then planted a deep wet kiss on my lips. Everybody clapped. This was the first surprise party I had ever had and it made me forget about the afternoon at Kyle’s. I was excited and surprised to see Candance. She was back in New York with wedding plans. When she congratulated me, she whispered that Kelvin sent his best. She didn’t ask if I had made up my mind about the wedding, which I had not.

  “I’m so excited about you and Nicole,” Candance said.

  “Thanks. I’m pretty excited about it too.”

  “You should be. I hope you’ll be as happy as Kelvin and I.”

  “Me too. Candance, I never asked where you and Kelvin met?”

  “Oh, we met in D.C. At Union Station in a bar called Fat Tuesdays. I was there with another guy I was dating at the time.”

  As Candance continued, her face lit up, her eyes glowing, teeth flashing, beautiful facial features made up. “The first time I saw Kelvin, I knew he was the man I was going to marry.”

  “So it was love at first sight.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Candance and I conversed for a few more minutes before Nicole pulled her away to meet Kyle. Toward the end of the party, Brayton pulled me to the side and told me how proud he was of me and that he was leaving the firm. When I asked him why, he replied, “You’re their golden boy now and there’s not room for two.” I begged him to reconsider and to at least go to lunch with me to talk it over. He said he had already accepted an offer with one of
the largest black firms in New York but he wouldn’t turn down a free lunch.

  The thought of Brayton leaving made me very despondent. In recent months we had become very close. When I first joined the firm, I had shied away from Brayton’s offer of friendship because he was hopelessly heterosexual. I didn’t want any straight friends to keep secrets from and I didn’t think he would understand my sexual preference. He had invited me to his home several times and wanted me to join One Hundred Black Men and Big Brothers. I declined all three offers. When I started to date Nicole, I began reconsidering my decision. I had always been active in high school and college, but for some stupid reason I didn’t feel worthy enough to be a part of these organizations once I started to live a gay lifestyle. I had not even bothered to affiliate with the graduate chapter of my fraternity because of my gayness. Now I was starting to feel a responsibility to be a part of the black community. My gayness was no longer a deterrent … or at least I thought and hoped it wouldn’t be.

  The night ended with everybody in a pretty good mood after all the celebrating and toasts. I learned that my office was picking up the tab for the party but that only two of the white lawyers had joined in.

  Nicole was spending the night with Candance in Mount Vernon and I convinced Kyle that he was too drunk to go home alone and should spend the night at my place. It was my way of reaching out and trying to protect Kyle from Kyle. When I arrived at my apartment, there was a balloon bunch from Quinn; a note saying that even if he wasn’t with me tonight in body, his spirit was there; and a reminder that Saturday was coming up.

  Kyle and I made coffee and sat in my living room. No music, no TV, just the faint sounds from the streets. I got up to close the blinds. As I returned to the sofa, I noticed that Kyle’s eyes were red and filled with tears. I had never seen Kyle cry about anything. I wanted to ask him if he felt like talking, but instead I grabbed him and held him tight as his copious tears dropped onto my starched white shirt. After a few minutes the crying stopped. My best friend was in a great deal of pain. As we held each other, something serene and frightening passed between us.