Invisible Life

by E. Lynn Harris

  Nicole and I had plans for the Dance Theater of Harlem and dinner at the Water Club. I had decided to wait with my announcement and give our relationship more time. I just made a promise with myself to devote my affections to Nicole completely. There was a message on my machine from Nicole saying she was running late, but at seven forty-five she still hadn’t arrived at my apartment. I called her apartment and her service without results. I debated about going ahead to Lincoln Center and just meeting her there. I was all decked out in my tux and was really looking forward to an enjoyable evening. Just when I was getting ready to leave Nicole a message to meet me, the phone rang.

  “Ray.” Nicole’s voice sounded peculiar.

  “Yes, baby. Where are you?”

  “The hospital.”

  “The hospital?” I asked with alarm.

  “Don’t worry. I’m here with Candance. She fainted at her bridal shower.”

  “Is she all right?”

  “I don’t know. I think she might be pregnant. I need to stay here with her.”

  “Where is Kelvin?”

  “Oh, he’s in D.C.”

  “Do you want me to come there?”

  “No, thanks, everything will be fine. You go ahead to the ballet.”

  “No, not without you,” I protested. “I’ll wait on you. We can go somewhere for dessert.”

  “It might be too late for me to get back in the city. I may just spend the night in Mount Vernon.”

  “I’ll send a car for you.”

  “No, I should stay here. I’ll see you tomorrow. You go on and have fun. Why don’t you take Kyle?”

  “Oh, Kyle’s out of pocket.” I forgot I hadn’t told Nicole about Kyle’s problem.

  “Well, don’t waste the tickets. What about your tennis partner?”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine all by myself.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you later. I love you.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Say it, Raymond.”

  “Say what?”

  “Raymond Tyler?”

  “I love you, Nicole …”

  “Now, was that so hard?”

  “No, it wasn’t. I love you, Nicole.”

  “Good night.”

  I decided against going to the ballet. As much as I was looking forward to it, I didn’t want to go alone. In the past, going to a DTH performance was always an excellent place to meet men. Kyle always knew someone in the troupe and we always got backstage passes. In fact, I had dated a couple of dancers; not for long, though. Although they had wonderful bodies, I found them to be quite fickle. A couple of years back I met a really gorgeous dancer named Trey. He was a Morehouse College grad, very intelligent and easy to talk with, but to my surprise he was straight. It was one of the few times when my sissy sense was wrong. Trey fit every stereotype of a gay guy, all of which went to prove how meaningless stereotypes can be.

  I picked up my briefcase and decided to get a head start on the week. I had just been assigned a new case and I had a lot of reading to do. When I looked at my appointment book, I realized my mom’s birthday was only weeks away. I had not heard from my pops or his secretary. Was he still planning to give her a surprise party and was I going?

  Eighteen

  My sleep was interrupted with a dream of Quinn and Nicole. In the dream they were each pulling me in a different direction. I awoke before I found out in which direction I ended up going. I longed for a dreamless sleep. Besides, dreams never provided answers, just presented opposing views, so reminiscent of courtroom dramas.

  It began as a typical Monday at the office; slow as a turtle race. I was having slight difficulties getting into the new case I had been assigned. It was another computer case, but this time there was only a contract dispute. I tried several times during the day to reach Nicole. I figured she was sleeping late in Mount Vernon. JJ called me and said that a friend of Kyle’s had phoned her. Rumors were circulating that Kyle was sick. I told her not to worry. AIDS rumors were standard fare these days in the gay community. Anytime anyone disappeared from the bar scene or lost a little weight, rumors started. Kyle was such a permanent fixture in the clubs that his absence was bound to start tongues wagging.

  I finally saw Nicole late Monday evening. She came by my apartment in a very tense mood. When I asked her how Candance was, she said that the doctors were running some additional tests. We chuckled at the thought of Candance being pregnant. Nicole’s laughter seemed nervous.

  I baked some chicken and made a tossed salad for Nicole. While she was eating, I stood behind her and started to massage her shoulders. Her upper body felt very stiff. She explained that she hadn’t slept well the night before. I started to share my dream with her but decided against it. Instead, we talked about the perfect world we would create together, just the two of us.

  “Why don’t you let me give you the Raymond Tyler, Jr., special?” I suggested.

  “The what?”

  “Don’t ask any questions. Go into my bedroom. Take your clothes off and put on my robe. Meet me in the bathroom.”

  “What?”

  “Come on now. No questions. Just do as I say.”

  While Nicole was in my bedroom, I made a steaming-hot bath and added bath salts and oils. I turned off the lights and lit candles around the edge of the tub. I pulled one of the speakers into the bathroom and put on my CD of Luther Vandross’s greatest hits. Nicole came in, gave me a smile and a gentle kiss as she removed the robe and stepped into the hot bath. Her body looked flawless. The tension seemed to leave her face as she settled into the tub.

  While on my knees, I started to gently massage her soft shoulders and silky neck. She closed her eyes and lay back, allowing the suds to cover her breasts. My fingers moved from her slender shoulders to her forehead. I gently massaged her face in a circular motion. Her body appeared limp. After a few minutes of massaging, I left briefly and returned wearing only my baby blue silk boxers and carrying a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with strawberries on top. Nicole giggled with delight as I fed her the ice cream and strawberries. Halfway through the bowl she took the spoon from my hand and started feeding me the now soupy substance. She would teasingly put the spoon to my mouth and then suddenly pull it back. The third time she did it, the spoon slipped from her hand into the water. I started to retrieve it and found my hand between Nicole’s soft thighs. She reached down and squeezed my hand and moved it toward her erected breasts. They looked like miracles. I leaned my head over and kissed each one separately. I took my fingers and touched the dark circle of each nipple and then I sucked the nipple hard. When I touched them and sucked them, they seemed as delectable as the ice cream and strawberries earlier. I expected them to dissolve in my mouth. Nicole let out a soft cry. With a smooth motion I stood up and picked her up out of the water. I carried her, wet and soapy, into the bedroom and placed her on my bed. As she lay there nude, I ran my hard tongue up and down her moist skin. Nicole shuddered in ecstasy as her body tightened. I removed my boxers with one hand and lay beside her damp body.

  “Are you ready for this?” I asked as I gazed down toward my erect sex.

  “Yes,” she sighed.

  A smile broke out over my face and I leaped from the bed to my nightstand. I looked through the drawer in search of my condoms. Minutes later, no condoms. Everything but condoms. Had Quinn and I used them all?

  “What’s the matter?” Nicole asked.

  “It looks like I’ve been caught unprepared.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve taken precautions.”

  “You have?” I asked in a surprised voice.

  “Yes, silly. I’m on birth control.”

  Birth control, I thought. What about the other stuff. I didn’t have sex with anyone without a raincoat. How could I explain this to Nicole without offending her. I could only surmise that women still worried just about getting pregnant. Weren’t they concerned with diseases? What about AIDS? Didn’t they know women could get AIDS also? But I knew I was negative, so wh
y was I having all these weird thoughts?

  Without farther deliberation I began gently to make love to her. Nicole shrieked in ecstasy as I entered and exploded inside her. A sweat broke out over my body as my sex melted like the ice cream we had shared earlier. As I rolled alongside Nicole, I hugged her close, enfolding her. She took her slender fingers and gently rubbed my wet chest.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “I’m fine.” I smiled.

  “Perfect!” Nicole said.

  I wanted to ask Nicole if she was all right, but I didn’t. Everything had happened so fast. A phobia that maybe I hadn’t satisfied her kept my sex limp, even though Nicole’s legs lay against it. Nicole was too ladylike to complain. While she lay in my arms, I realized that there was a big difference between male and female lovers. There were times after reaching orgasm with a man that I didn’t want to be touched anywhere. With a woman it was nice to caress and hold each other. I remembered the first time I made love with Kelvin and how we lay back-to-back, both afraid to turn and face each other. But the feeling of reaching simultaneous orgasm with a man and seeing it … was magic. While I was sure that this could happen with a woman, I personally had not experienced it. I pulled Nicole even closer to me and caressed her until she was sound asleep. But my feeling a bit guilty and inadequate caused a restless sleep.

  As the days passed, I saw very little of Nicole. I became worried that maybe my performance in bed was causing her to examine her love for me. We talked on the phone several times, but she seemed preoccupied with something. She always ended our conversations by telling me that she loved me, and that would ease some of my doubt. I figured that if Nicole felt she was going to have a problem with our lovemaking, we would talk about it.

  In my experience, men didn’t do this. They really didn’t talk about sex with each other; the sex would become silent. The quickest way to end a budding romance with a man was for the sex not to be right. When I was in college, we used to joke at the frat house about how quickly your reputation could be destroyed if a woman said that you couldn’t screw. It brought the same stigma as saying a woman was easy.

  Men would simply suggest, Maybe we should just be friends. I was careful not to suggest this to Quinn. I mean, we were friends and the sex left nothing to be desired. Quinn’s physical attributes equaled his intellect.

  It started as a typical spring Saturday without Quinn. I was awakened by a soft morning light breaking through the mini-blinds in my bedroom. I had seen Nicole the previous evening, but only for a few moments. She explained that something major was going on that she couldn’t discuss but assured me it had nothing to do with us. I decided to rent a car and go upstate to visit Kyle. We had talked and he sounded rested. I missed seeing Quinn but felt that I had made the right decision. When he called, I asked him to give me some time before we tried to resume the friendship portion of our relationship.

  There were times when I desperately wanted to talk to him about work, Kyle and Nicole, but I felt that it wouldn’t be fair to him. Deep down I hoped that we really could remain friends and that if I ever married Nicole, maybe he and his wife would be included in our circle of friends. I decided to just send my mom flowers for her birthday, since my father still hadn’t called. I figured he didn’t want me to come home. We were having a Tyler standoff.

  While I was shaving, I thought how nice it would be to have Nicole ride with me. Whenever she was around me, I knew that our relationship would work and that my desires for men could remain in check. As I prepared to leave, the phone rang and it was Quinn. He said that he missed me and suggested that we ride upstate together. He said he already had a rental car and that he could be in the city within the hour. He assured me no pressure, no sex. It sounded innocent and it would be nice to see him. When I said yes, his voice rang with excitement. Since I had some extra time, I decided to make breakfast. The phone rang again; I assumed it was Quinn. It was Nicole. In a hysterical voice she asked me to come to New York University Medical Center and meet her in the cafeteria on the fifth floor.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked.

  “Raymond, please hurry, I need you,” she pleaded.

  “I’ll be right there.”

  I grabbed my windbreaker and headed out the door and down to the lobby. When the elevator reached the lobby, I saw Quinn coming through the double doors.

  “You’re not leaving without me?” he quizzed.

  “No, there’s some emergency with Nicole. I have to get to NYU hospital,” I said.

  “Come on, I’ll take you.”

  As we drove through the busy Manhattan streets, I was intensely concerned over what could have happened to Nicole. When I remembered that she said to meet her in the cafeteria, I realized that it wasn’t she who was in the hospital. An early afternoon spring rain made the city streets look clean and new. Quinn didn’t talk much as he sped through the city with the expertise of a New York cabby. I guessed he could see the fear and concern on my face. When we pulled up in front of the massive hospital, Quinn touched my hand and asked if I wanted him to wait.

  “No, I’m fine. Please call me later,” I asked.

  “Raymond, don’t worry. Nicole will be fine,” Quinn assured me.

  “Thanks.”

  Nicole raced to my arms when she saw me get off the fifth-floor elevator.

  “Raymond!” she cried, embracing me tightly.

  “What’s the matter, baby? Stop crying,” I said as I wiped the tears from her face. “Come on, sit down. Tell me what’s the matter. Who’s in the hospital?”

  “Candance,” she said, sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Candance? What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”

  “No, Raymond, Candance has pneumonia, a rare pneumonia. The doctors say it’s serious.”

  My heart sank as I listened to Nicole explain how they had transferred Candance to NYU because of the seriousness of her illness. She told me how she had been with Candance and her family all night and all day. I felt my legs become numb as the torrent of words rushed from Nicole’s lips.

  “Come on, baby, let’s go get some coffee,” I suggested, wiping more tears from Nicole’s face.

  “Let me go tell Candi’s mom that I will be back.”

  As Nicole walked away, I called out to her, “Nicole, where’s Kelvin?”

  “No one knows,” she answered in disgust.

  When she returned, I ordered coffee. As we drank it, I reassured her that Candance would be fine. I told her that she was at one of the best hospitals in the country. I reminded her of her faith and told her that God wouldn’t take Candance away so early in life. Nicole then started to chronicle Candance’s illness. It turned out that this was not the first bout that she had had. While Nicole was talking, a terrible thought crossed my mind. AIDS!

  The symptoms that Nicole described sounded a lot like what I had heard about AIDS. I wondered whether I should ask if Candance had been tested for AIDS?

  “So where did you say Kelvin was?” I asked.

  “I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve tried calling him several times. Candance’s father is thinking about hiring a private investigator to find him.”

  “Have you tried his school?”

  “He took an immediate leave of absence.”

  As I sipped the lukewarm coffee, I could see the pain in Nicole’s face. Her eyes were sad and filled with tears. Not thinking, she wiped tears from her cheeks. Her voice trembled as she expressed her disbelief at the recent events. I got up from my seat and held her tight, trying to control her trembling.

  “This is a time in my life when I should be preparing for weddings, not hospitals and funerals,” Nicole said.

  “Funerals? Come on, baby, Candance will bounce back. From what I know about her she’s a fighter.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “You know I am. You’ve shared so much of your faith with me, Nicole. I think it’s time for you to depend on some of that same faith. Remember what you told me,
‘Let go, let God.’”

  “I know you’re right. I’ve been praying nonstop for days. I just hope God has heard me,” she mused out loud.

  We finished our coffee and slowly walked toward the elevator when Nicole grabbed my hand and turned to me.

  “Raymond,” she said in her soft voice. “Do you think Kelvin’s bisexual? Was he ever an IV drug user?”

  The question hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my heart race rapidly. My palms were wet with fear. “A drug user?”

  “Yes, or maybe he’s bisexual or gay. Do you know?” Nicole asked again.

  “I can’t answer that,” I replied.

  “Why not? I understand that you two were pretty good friends in college,” Nicole said with a question in her voice and face.

  I took a deep breath and prayed silently that my legs would support me. “I can’t speak for Kelvin, Nicole. I can only speak for myself.”

  “Speak for yourself. What are you saying, Raymond?”

  “I’m gay, Nicole … well, I guess you could say I’m bisexual,” I stammered.

  There was a long pause. Nicole just stared at me in disbelief. Her face became colorless. It looked as though she was drawing on her deepest reserves for strength. When she began to speak again, her voice was clear, her resolve firm.

  “You’re kidding … right?” she asked.

  “I’m sorry, Nicole. I know I should have said something earlier.”

  “Sorry?” Nicole screamed. “Sorry, after you made love to me less than a week ago? Why me, Raymond?”

  “Because I love you.”

  “Love me? How can you love me? You love men … isn’t that what you’re telling me? What did you do, break up with your lover? Is that why Kyle is gone?” Nicole bluntly demanded.

  “What does Kyle have to do with this?”

  “Well, he’s your friend, isn’t he?”

  “Friend, yes. Lover, no.”

  “You lied to me, Raymond. I can’t forgive that.”

  “I didn’t lie, Nicole. Maybe I just didn’t tell the whole truth.”