Lilith: A Romance

by George MacDonald

  CHAPTER XLI. I AM SENT

  Then I turned and said to Eve,

  "Mother, one couch next to Lona is empty: I know I am unworthy, but mayI not sleep this night in your chamber with my dead? Will you not pardonboth my cowardice and my self-confidence, and take me in? I give me up.I am sick of myself, and would fain sleep the sleep!"

  "The couch next to Lona is the one already prepared for you," sheanswered; "but something waits to be done ere you sleep."

  "I am ready," I replied.

  "How do you know you can do it?" she asked with a smile.

  "Because you require it," I answered. "What is it?"

  She turned to Adam:

  "Is he forgiven, husband?"

  "From my heart."

  "Then tell him what he has to do."

  Adam turned to his daughter.

  "Give me that hand, Mara, my child."

  She held it out to him in her lap. He took it tenderly.

  "Let us go to the cottage," he said to me; "there I will instruct you."

  As we went, again arose a sudden stormful blast, mingled with a greatflapping on the roof, but it died away as before in a deep moan.

  When the door of the death-chamber was closed behind us, Adam seatedhimself, and I stood before him.

  "You will remember," he said, "how, after leaving my daughter's house,you came to a dry rock, bearing the marks of an ancient cataract; youclimbed that rock, and found a sandy desert: go to that rock now, andfrom its summit walk deep into the desert. But go not many steps ere youlie down, and listen with your head on the sand. If you hear the murmurof water beneath, go a little farther, and listen again. If you stillhear the sound, you are in the right direction. Every few yards you muststop, lie down, and hearken. If, listening thus, at any time you hearno sound of water, you are out of the way, and must hearken in everydirection until you hear it again. Keeping with the sound, and carefulnot to retrace your steps, you will soon hear it louder, and the growingsound will lead you to where it is loudest: that is the spot you seek.There dig with the spade I will give you, and dig until you come tomoisture: in it lay the hand, cover it to the level of the desert, andcome home.--But give good heed, and carry the hand with care. Never layit down, in what place of seeming safety soever; let nothing touch it;stop nor turn aside for any attempt to bar your way; never look behindyou; speak to no one, answer no one, walk straight on.--It is yet dark,and the morning is far distant, but you must set out at once."

  He gave me the hand, and brought me a spade.

  "This is my gardening spade," he said; "with it I have brought many alovely thing to the sun."

  I took it, and went out into the night.

  It was very cold, and pitch-dark. To fall would be a dread thing, andthe way I had to go was a difficult one even in the broad sunlight! ButI had not set myself the task, and the minute I started I learned that Iwas left to no chance: a pale light broke from the ground at every step,and showed me where next to set my foot. Through the heather and the lowrocks I walked without once even stumbling. I found the bad burrow quitestill; not a wave arose, not a head appeared as I crossed it.

  A moon came, and herself showed me the easy way: toward morning I wasalmost over the dry channels of the first branch of the river-bed, andnot far, I judged, from Mara's cottage.

  The moon was very low, and the sun not yet up, when I saw before me inthe path, here narrowed by rocks, a figure covered from head to foot aswith a veil of moonlit mist. I kept on my way as if I saw nothing. Thefigure threw aside its veil.

  "Have you forgotten me already?" said the princess--or what seemed she.

  I neither hesitated nor answered; I walked straight on.

  "You meant then to leave me in that horrible sepulchre! Do you not yetunderstand that where I please to be, there I am? Take my hand: I amalive as you!"

  I was on the point of saying, "Give me your left hand," but bethoughtmyself, held my peace, and steadily advanced.

  "Give me my hand," she suddenly shrieked, "or I will tear you in pieces:you are mine!"

  She flung herself upon me. I shuddered, but did not falter. Nothingtouched me, and I saw her no more.

  With measured tread along the path, filling it for some distance, came abody of armed men. I walked through them--nor know whether they gave wayto me, or were bodiless things. But they turned and followed me; I heardand felt their march at my very heels; but I cast no look behind, andthe sound of their steps and the clash of their armour died away.

  A little farther on, the moon being now close to the horizon and the wayin deep shadow, I descried, seated where the path was so narrow that Icould not pass her, a woman with muffled face.

  "Ah," she said, "you are come at last! I have waited here for you anhour or more! You have done well! Your trial is over. My father sent meto meet you that you might have a little rest on the way. Give me yourcharge, and lay your head in my lap; I will take good care of both untilthe sun is well risen. I am not bitterness always, neither to all men!"

  Her words were terrible with temptation, for I was very weary. And whatmore likely to be true! If I were, through slavish obedience to theletter of the command and lack of pure insight, to trample under myfeet the very person of the Lady of Sorrow! My heart grew faint at thethought, then beat as if it would burst my bosom.

  Nevertheless my will hardened itself against my heart, and my step didnot falter. I took my tongue between my teeth lest I should unawaresanswer, and kept on my way. If Adam had sent her, he could not complainthat I would not heed her! Nor would the Lady of Sorrow love me the lessthat even she had not been able to turn me aside!

  Just ere I reached the phantom, she pulled the covering from her face:great indeed was her loveliness, but those were not Mara's eyes! no liecould truly or for long imitate them! I advanced as if the thing werenot there, and my foot found empty room.

  I had almost reached the other side when a Shadow--I think it was TheShadow, barred my way. He seemed to have a helmet upon his head, but asI drew closer I perceived it was the head itself I saw--so distorted asto bear but a doubtful resemblance to the human. A cold wind smote me,dank and sickening--repulsive as the air of a charnel-house; firmnessforsook my joints, and my limbs trembled as if they would drop in ahelpless heap. I seemed to pass through him, but I think now that hepassed through me: for a moment I was as one of the damned. Then a softwind like the first breath of a new-born spring greeted me, and beforeme arose the dawn.

  My way now led me past the door of Mara's cottage. It stood wide open,and upon the table I saw a loaf of bread and a pitcher of water. In oraround the cottage was neither howl nor wail.

  I came to the precipice that testified to the vanished river. I climbedits worn face, and went on into the desert. There at last, after muchlistening to and fro, I determined the spot where the hidden water wasloudest, hung Lilith's hand about my neck, and began to dig. It was along labour, for I had to make a large hole because of the loosenessof the sand; but at length I threw up a damp spadeful. I flung thesexton-tool on the verge, and laid down the hand. A little water wasalready oozing from under its fingers. I sprang out, and made haste tofill the grave. Then, utterly fatigued, I dropped beside it, and fellasleep.