Sketchtasy

by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

  I don’t remember it ever being this crowded before, I guess that’s what happens after they get shut down. Someone’s pushing to get to Joey—bleached hair, Versace T-shirt, arched eyebrows—of course, Joey says, holds out her hand, the exchange, and then we’re finally there, up at the top, walking right out into the snowy sky where Jeannine rises up above, and if we could keep walking we would walk right into that window, look, the one that’s orange, look. And someone’s yelling shit, shit I just broke my ankle, laughing really laughing it’s like some strange snowy village up here and I can’t help it, I’m twirling around and then I slip and someone catches me, we’re all slipping and Joey says do you need anything? Oh honey, no, no, I don’t need anything, I don’t need anything, I don’t need anything at all.

  And someone’s saying happy birthday, Mama snatch. Happy snatchy birthday. Avery, of course, and I’m leaning against the wall so I can get a closer look at all the lights in the sky with the snow in my face and when I turn back around there’s some woman wearing fur, is that really fur, and she’s saying whose birthday? And Avery says hers, and the woman looks at me and says it’s my birthday too, how old are you? And Joey says do you need anything?

  But it’s getting cold out here so I head back downstairs and into the heat, pushing through the crowd and into “gonna drop a house, drop a house, drop a house—gonna drop a house” right into the laser light stream as the song says “on that bitch.” And are those lights new, I don’t remember that pattern before, like a tunnel into your head, and some queen is yelling work, and Sage and Juniper are on the sides in their platforms with silver fans and oh I love these messes and then Joey’s waving to me from the side so I go over and she says they’re about to close.

  What do you mean they’re about to close?

  I mean they’re about to close.

  What time is it?

  Four thirty. They’re closing early. The fire department. Trust me.

  Wait—listen.

  And everybody’s screaming as the horns go into air-raid sirens go into nothing but a clack clack racquet attack-it and “10,000 screaming, 10,000 screaming, 10,000 screaming” and I don’t know what Michael is mixing this with but it’s the best it’s ever been and we all know it, we all know it’s the best it’s ever been. Until the music stops. And Joey already has my coat, how did she get my coat? And Avery, when did they sneak off? We wave goodbye to Michael and the world and then head downstairs—oh, we forgot to say hi to Richie, who’s already packing up her equipment, and she says are you girls leaving so early?

  Outside—oh, right, the snow the snow the snow and the snow, can you believe it, the snow. Joey’s already up ahead so we have to run to catch up except oh no, Avery, oh no, are you okay?

  She slipped, but the snow caught her. And Joey says sorry, I needed to get away, there was someone, there was someone.

  But are you having a good birthday?

  Oh, it’s fabulous, Alexa, it’s fabulous—I can’t wait. For the Jacuzzi.

  Somehow it helps us stay warm just to think about it. I’ve got one scarf around my neck and the other wrapped around my head, but the snow is still coming in and eventually it gets too hard to walk on the sidewalk so we step into the street, no cabs around. Don’t fall, don’t fall. Okay. Walk. And walk. Turn. Slide. Glide. And walk. And fall. Close your eyes, it’s a big surprise.

  Finally we get to the house, shaking off our coats and, wait, did you see that? Did you see that chandelier? Oh, the lights here are amazing. I don’t ever want to leave. Except maybe to go to the Loft. Wait, let me take your coats—let me take your coats. Do you need anything?

  Joey says do you have any porn?

  Porn?

  Yes, porn.

  Do I have any porn? I don’t know. What about Cats?

  Cats, Joey says—let’s watch Cats.

  I’ll go upstairs and run the water.

  Yes, I think, as I throw my clothes into the laundry, just enough time to take a shower, oh, a shower, yes, the cold tiles warming under my feet and the way the light sparkles on the glass door, look, little rainbows. And oh my body, this body, the smell of my sweat, I love the smell of my sweat, don’t tell anyone, they’re right when they say soft skin. Water in my nose, chlorine, this peppermint soap, oh, I love this peppermint soap, I wish I could eat it.

  But, wait, I’m supposed to be running the water for a bath, right, a bath. Let me adjust the lights—up, or down? Or up?

  Downstairs I sit on the sofa with the girls. Avery says oh, your robe. So soft. I touch her hand: Oh.

  Joey says wait, it’s almost the ending.

  I go in the kitchen—I love this kitchen. Does anyone want orange juice? Vitamin C. Yes, vitamin C. Wait, did they hear me? Orange juice, does anyone want orange juice?

  Oh, the bath—I rush upstairs and the bubbles are spilling over the edge—it’s fun to watch them on their journey, pop. Pop. I guess the drain prevents the rest of the water from escaping and it smells so good in here, strawberry. I get back downstairs just as Joey is pressing off on the remote control. What music? What music should we play? Moby, Everything Is Wrong? No, that doesn’t sound right. Moby, Ambient? That might be too quiet. Pussy Tourette. You love Pussy Tourette.

  Pussy Tourette. In Hi-Fi.

  Let’s bring the orange juice upstairs. Towels—let me get more towels.

  I’m first in the tub because all I need to do is throw my robe on the hook, good planning. I didn’t notice the flowers on Avery’s shirt before, where were they hiding? She’s looking at me in that way again, like that time she came in the shower, I remember that, it was fun. Maybe I’m looking at her in that way too.

  When Joey takes off her clothes, it’s scary—I can’t believe how skinny she is, you can see all of her ribs, all of them. I guess I’m staring, because Joey says what, my dick isn’t big enough? And then she jumps in the tub and I turn the jets on—oh, the jets.

  I lean back and close my eyes. Of course Avery’s saying twat twat twat twat twat, but at least it’s in the music and she’s rubbing my foot, which kind of tickles but feels good too and whoever thought of putting a big circular tub in here must’ve been on ecstasy. Joey says French bitch French bitch French bitch—she knows all the words, but those are her favorites. And then my other foot, and it’s amazing how each toe leads directly to a different part of my head and then up, up, up into the sky and when I open my eyes I realize Avery’s rubbing one foot and Joey the other and I close my eyes again and say let’s sit together. So then I’m in the middle and there’s all this skin and even when we’re all still there’s some part moving. And maybe it’s too much the way I can feel Avery’s eyes through his skin so I say let’s switch places, birthday girl in the middle.

  Joey is so tiny between me and Avery and I can still feel Avery’s breath like it goes through Joey’s body. And the song is all about seventy dollars, “ain’t gonna get you diamond rings,” seventy dollars, but Joey isn’t singing anymore she’s just breathing really deep.

  Seventy dollars, right, and the punch line is that it’ll buy you a man, seventy dollars, a man, but we’re all a little more expensive than that. Maybe not all the time. And Joey says oh, this is what I’ve always wanted. Oh my God she’s crying, Joey Severe is crying, and I look at Avery. He starts rubbing Joey’s back so that’s what I do too, our hands meeting in the middle and then I kiss Joey on the cheek, and then Avery kisses her on the other cheek, and then I start licking Joey’s face like a puppy and she’s giggling, saying what, what are you doing, and now I’m making a slurping sound and Joey’s still giggling and then Avery kisses my cheek so I kiss his cheek, and then Joey’s, and Joey says: I think I’m starting to crash.

  So then we sit up on the side of the tub, with our feet still in the water, and Joey says oh, wait a minute, oh, and she stands up to reach for something. She has so many different tool belts it’s like she’s in the military but it’s drugs not bombs. That would be a good chant. Joey dries her hands with a towel, an
d then turns back to face us with a glass of orange juice in one hand and, no way, three more capsules in the other. I look at Avery. Avery’s looking at the drugs.

  I don’t know if I want any more.

  Joey says you have to, it’s my birthday. So I open my mouth and she puts the capsule inside, I take the orange juice and swallow, here we go, Pussy Tourette. In Hi-Fi. I sit back in the tub. Avery grabs me from behind and Joey says you’re right, I was jealous. I never admitted it, but I was jealous.

  And I say birthday girl in the middle again, and then we sit there like that until the water gets cold. Then Joey goes into Nate’s room to press play again on the music, she wants to hear the last song another time and I tell her there’s a repeat button, we can just play it over and over. It’s not Pussy Tourette who sings this one it’s some woman who must be an opera singer saying “I hope he’s not a fag, I hope he’s not a drag queen. I hope he’s not a queer, I hope he’s not a Miss Thing,” and when she says Miss Thing she rolls it into her throat and we’re all saying Miss Thing, Miss Thing—Miss Thing, Miss Thing. That’s the story of our lives, right? Until suddenly it’s like the whole room is pulsating and is that my heart or my head or my stomach and oh, I need to shit, good thing my bathroom is right across the hall and when I open my eyes I realize I’m covered in sweat, no it’s not sweat it’s just the water from the tub, we filled it up again. And when I get back from shitting Joey and Avery are drying off and Joey says: Act Two, the Esplanade.

  Now we’re in my room. So soft, Avery says, petting the comforter and we need sunrise music, something with a drumroll. Oh, Armand is in the boom box, perfect. Avery’s rolling naked on my bed so I lie down too, and then Joey—we’re all still naked, but somehow it doesn’t feel like we’re naked it just feels like what’s the point of clothes when you can feel this way? But put your hand on my chest, can you feel it? Can you feel it, Joey says, can you feel it can you feel it can you feel it. Should we get dressed, I say. Should we get dressed should we get dressed should we get dressed, Joey says, and I’m thinking about how we all take little parts of one another and is this what it means to love.

  Oh, this closet—I love this closet. But I can’t decide what to wear. Something soft. Joey wants a hat, so I hand her the one with blue and yellow and white flowers. Something warmer. Avery wants a scarf, maybe the red one with pompoms? Yes, pompoms.

  Oh that horn that horn that horn on a boat in the distance and what is that sound between a yell and a clap and a monkey in a tree on the beach and someone breathing and then that horn again, no it’s not a horn and not a siren except the way I need to shake out the shoulders into hips down to feet into ground flip around down to floor how did they make the floor so soft and witch, doctor, which doctor, witch doctor, doctor, Doctor Armand Van Helden.

  Okay, shake, shake, shake your hips downstairs, back up, down, down back up and down, down, down, back up and down and I didn’t like this song before, the second one, but honey this was made for stairs, oh, the stairs, the rattle, repeat, beat, repeat, what are they saying, do you know what they’re saying, maybe they’re saying it’s all about the stairs, this song was made for the stairs, but do they call it tribal because of those African-sounding drums and isn’t that fucked up but wait, the drums, oh, the drums, please more drums and oh, orange juice, that’s what we need, orange juice.

  Sunglasses? Do we need sunglasses? Let me get my sunglasses purse. But do you need gloves? It’s cold out, remember, it’s cold.

  Oh my God it’s so bright—are you sure we’re ready? Comm. Ave. in the snow and it takes a while to get to the Esplanade even though it’s right here, I mean it’s usually right here but it’s taking a while in the snow. But then we’re walking up onto the bridge over Storrow Drive, up, up, up into the trees, don’t slip, and then we turn and there isn’t any water it’s white all the way to Cambridge. Cross the drawbridge over the moat and look, look at those willows made of gold, are those branches or leaves? Then those old trees so worn out they’re growing sideways, overturned roots stretching out to sky, bark coated in white, iridescent white, pure white, and we’re ducking underneath to reach the other side. No, don’t walk too far, that’s the water, it’s frozen, you’ll fall in.

  Your hair, Avery says.

  I’m dying, Joey says. Do you want any orange juice? I’m dying.

  I’m dying for orange juice, thank you. Avery?

  Yes, please. Pretty please. Pretty please with sugar on top. Pretty please with sugar on top and a hot fudge sundae. Pretty please with sugar on top and—oh, it’s so good. Look at the colors.

  Your eyes aren’t open.

  Yes they are. There’s a head inside my head.

  Oh my God that’s brilliant. Joey, close your eyes, close your eyes. And then look, look at the snow, it’s turning pink, we could ski to MIT. I don’t know how to ski. That building, I’ve never seen that building before, is that the Jefferson Memorial? We could ski to the Jefferson Memorial. Wait, did you hear that? Birds, I hear birds. Look, tiny birds, chirping, what are those tiny birds doing here in the snow, chirping? I love those birds—look how cute they are. Oh, look how cute those birds are. Joey, are you cold? You look cold. You’re shivering. I told you it was cold out, it’s winter. Avery and I can warm you up. You want to go back already? Okay, it’s your birthday, whatever you want. Let’s turn around, back over the moat, onto the next bridge, what do they call this bridge, the bridge to the bridge? I think it needs a name. Look down there, cars. Cars are so loud. Oh, brick, look at all that brick, there’s a lot of brick in Boston. I like the white one, with the green windows—who do you think lives there? I live in a white one. Where are we going? Store 24? I love Store 24.

  This is a long walk, but eventually we get there and oh, it’s so warm, yes, my head, we should start a club here, Club 24. Do you think we could get Michael Sheehan to DJ? Or Richie Rich. Look at that, that blueberry, strawberry, orange berry. How does it work? Joey, are you getting that microwave pizza? I don’t think you should chew on the box, you have to warm it up first.

  Oh.

  Avery has Life Savers. See, she says, see. Life. Savers.

  Should I eat something? What should I eat? Maybe a hot pretzel. Too dry. Oh, tea. Let’s go home and have tea. Sunglasses, don’t forget your sunglasses.

  When we get back to the house, it’s like there’s someone there waiting for us. But it’s us. Joey’s eating the pizza with his hands, and Avery and I are staring. It’s fun to watch like this is the zoo. But we treat our animals as good as humans. See—microwave pizza. We’re at the dining room table. I’m making sure we use placemats. Place. Mats. I open the curtains, I thought they were already open but I guess someone closed them. Joey, do you need a napkin? This orange juice is even better than the other orange juice.

  Avery’s eating candy, and I can hear a soft whistle in the distance, way in the distance but it gets closer and closer until it’s some kind of shrieking late-night DJ magic and I close my eyes, this is good.

  Alexa, the teakettle.

  Oh, the teakettle.

  I’m dying, Joey says.

  Do you want more tea?

  Yes. The fruity kind.

  We sit down together with our white mugs and liquid rubies and I’m trying not to breathe so fast. Do you like Xanax better or Valium? I wish we could go dancing. Avery?

  Do you have more pot?

  Oh, pot—I knew I could make you into a pothead. But we have to go outside for that. I guess we could go in my bedroom and open the window all the way. No, that’s too obvious. Okay, just this once. Oh, the bath—let’s get back in the bath.

  Avery’s laughing again, and I can feel my head leaning back. Joey doesn’t want any pot. Are you sure? It really brings back the X.

  I already drank the orange juice.

  What’s next, birthday girl? A bath, do you want to take a bath? Or a nap? I wish we could go dancing. Should I put music on? What time is it? Let’s take a shower, and then go somewhere. Yes, let
’s take a shower together, in my bathroom, upstairs. There are three separate showerheads.

  You two go ahead, I think I’m going to walk home.

  No, no—it’s your birthday. We’ll come with you.

  No, I’ll walk home, and meet you there.

  Are you okay?

  Maybe I’ll take a cab. Do you need anything?

  I don’t need anything—I’m so high I can’t believe it. Avery?

  I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m so high I don’t know.

  Joey leaves, and Avery and I look at one another. I’m chewing on my tongue—Avery, do you have any gum? I forgot to get gum. Avery’s giving me that look and then he leans forward and sticks his tongue in my mouth and I start chewing on it like gum, this is kind of good, I like the flavor. And then Avery grabs my head, and my tongue pushes into his throat and I can feel him breathing so I’m trying to get the rhythm right—inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale inhale and I’m grabbing his head, sucking his tongue into my throat and Life Savers, yum, lime, I almost forgot about lime but then I have to pull back because I’m choking. And Avery takes my hand and says are you okay? She looks so worried.

  Am I okay? I don’t know—I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. And this time Avery sticks out his tongue before it gets to my mouth so I grab his cheeks and hold him right in front of my face, licking his tongue in a circle and then down to chin, stubble, neck, ear, the other ear, let’s go upstairs.

  In the bathroom I’m unbuttoning his shirt and he’s pulling off my sweater, but wait, one at a time. Who goes first? Should we flip a coin? I don’t have a coin. Kiss me again.

  I love your eyes, Avery says. I always wanted blue eyes. I tried blue contacts in high school but everyone said I was trying to be white. I wasn’t trying to be white, I am white. I’m white, and I’m black, and I can’t think of the punch line. Why is everyone so stupid and racist? I’ve never said that before.

  Never?