Ghost in His Eyes

by Carrie Aarons

  “Dad, going single is way better. I can mack on all of the single, desperate girls who are looking for a man.” Joel smoothed his blond hair back like he was slick or something.

  “My son, the charmer.” Dad rolled his eyes and came to give me a kiss on the cheek. “You look wonderful, Blake.”

  “Thanks, Dad. Are we ready to go?”

  Both boys nod at me, and Dad grabs his keys off the counter.

  Twenty minutes later, the three of us are walking into the gym, done up in its streamers and balloons. Girls in their best dresses, boys in slacks and ties, the DJ spinning today’s latest dance hits. A table of refreshments and chairs lined the back walls, for those who didn’t dance or wanted to take a break. Teachers mingled with each other, trying to give students their distance but also keeping a good eye on everyone.

  “I tried to sneak a flask in but Dad got to it first.” Joel pouted.

  “Why do you need alcohol tonight? There is no need!” It actually annoys me that he wanted to spike his drink.

  All too much these days, it seems like my twin brother wants to drink and party. I’m not sure I like it.

  “Carson, back me up, man. It would definitely help to lighten the mood.” He nudged his best friend.

  Carson looks at the ground, and I know he’s thinking about the other night and how alcohol hadn’t done him any favors there. “Uh, yeah man I have to think that wasn’t a good idea. You’d definitely get caught here.”

  Joel snorted. “Okay, whatever, trying to impress your girlfriend, I get it.”

  He walked away from us, to prowl for a girl for the night I was guessing.

  “Do you want to dance?” Carson holds out a hand.

  “Only if you can keep up.” I winked and pulled him into the throng of people.

  The DJ bumped tunes all night, everything from rap and hip-hop to old school rock that everyone belted the lyrics to. We left the dance floor a few times to get water, and Carson would hold his hand to the small of my back and kiss me in between sips.

  Almost two hours later, we were still going strong. I’d danced with some of the girls I knew, and Carson watched on, his eyes on my body the whole time.

  And then, the dance floor paired off as a slow song came on.

  Carson gripped my waist as K-Ci and Jojo’s “All My Life” floated over the dance floor.

  “You look amazing, baby.” His dark eyes dance in the disco ball lights.

  I blush, because how could I not. “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.”

  He straightens his tie, a smirk dusting his lips. “You know I look damn good.” Carson’s face got serious as the chorus chimed in. “I’m sorry about the other night.”

  My heart hammered for a beat or two, I hadn’t expected him to bring it up this soon. “Okay.”

  He slowed our slow dance. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  Carson’s eyes, those dark expressive eyes, were always the windows to his thoughts. And I wanted to know them.

  “Sure.” I laced my hand in his and let him lead us off the dance floor.

  The halls are empty, the click of our dress shoes echoing off of the walls. At the end of most of the corridors stand locked gates so that students can’t get too far away from the cafeteria where the dance is taking place. Carson dips me into the science wing and inside a classroom.

  Once inside, he leads me to the first two desks in the first row, and we sit.

  “I’m glad you decided to come tonight.” He smiles, that little smirk that makes my stomach drop and my palms sweat.

  “Of course I came, where else would I be?” There was a “duh” tone in my voice.

  “Well, since the other night, I’ve sensed things have been weird between us. And I don’t want. I never want to have secrets or awkwardness between us, Blake. You’re my best friend. You’re the only one I want to spend all of my time with.”

  I don’t know what to say to that. We’ve been dating since we were thirteen, almost three years, and I’ve loved him since the start. There were so many times I almost let it slip, but I wanted him to say it first. And then he did, and it was totally not romantic. Screw me for being a perfectionist, but I just dreamed that there would be this ideal moment Carson would profess his feelings for me.

  “I love you, Blake. I really do. I said it the other night, and I was drunk, but I meant every syllable. It doesn’t matter if I’m sick, young, old, drunk, a thousand miles away or underwater. I love you, and that is never going to change.”

  He got up from the desk and walked over to mine, placing his hands on either side of the top and leaning in. His lips were so close, and I knew he wanted to kiss me.

  But I had to say something first. “I love you, too.”

  Carson leaned in, and as he kissed me, I knew he was right. It didn’t matter where it was said. The only thing that mattered was that I loved him with my whole heart, and that would never, ever change.

  24

  Carson

  The kitchen smells like raspberry pie, and my mouth starts watering.

  “Oh my God, where is a fork? You better just push that whole pie over here.” I swear I’m drooling.

  “You’re an animal. I thought I’d like having you home, but now maybe not so much.” My mom rolls her eyes as she walks over to the counter I’m leaning against.

  My parent’s had been empty nesters for a long time, and as such, acted like it. I did not need to hear them flirting. I shuddered at the thought. A month living at home, at any age after eighteen but especially twenty-seven, was too long. I was so glad to find the ranch house in Duck.

  It was closer to Blake. Of course that would be the first thought on my mind.

  As if she could read minds, because well … she was a mom, she sort of could, my mother laid a hand over mine. “I know you have been seeing her.”

  Shit. At first I’m tempted to lie, but what’s the point. “We … ran into each other by accident, and we’ve gotten together a couple of times and talked. We have a lot to talk about.”

  Like she doesn’t know that. “I’m aware of that. I thought you should have talked years ago. But … honey, she isn’t the same girl. Just … be careful.”

  Huh? “What does that mean?”

  Mom’s eyes, the same shade as my own, get shifty. “I just mean, things have happened since you went away.”

  She walks past me, over to the oven to check the pie. Its golden crust taunts me from inside the warm appliance.

  “Mom, don’t avoid me. You obviously have something to say, so say it.”

  I know she wants to lecture me, or something, and she’s bullshitting around the point. I’m a grown man though, I can take it.

  “Well, honey … I didn’t tell you this a long time ago. I probably should have, but after everything with Joel and how Blake ended things, I honestly thought you’d never want to hear a thing about her again.” My mother began to wring her hands, looking guilty.

  “What, Mom? What didn’t you tell me?” A frisson of worry zapped down my spine.

  She gulped, turning to the sink and making the motions of washing the dirty dishes. I don’t think she wanted to face me to say this.

  “Blake only went to school, went off to college, for two years. Halfway through her sophomore semester, she came home for good.”

  Her voice had an odd note to it, and leeches of desperation stuck to my skin. “Why did she come home?”

  A sigh. “I never heard it directly from her, or from Patrick. God knows that man didn’t want anything to do with us, rest his soul. But … there were whispers. Rumors that had truth to them when the restraining order was filed in the county clerk’s office. She’d gotten into a relationship with a boy, sometime in the winter of freshman year. It ended badly. Very badly.”

  Anger, bitter and deep, simmered through my blood. “What are you talking about?”

  I could feel it as my hands balled into fists, could taste the metal in my mouth from where I was biting down s
o hard on my tongue.

  Mom’s eyes finally meet mine, and apologies pour out of them. “He assaulted her, Carson. Hit her, beat her. She finally came home after he put her in the hospital. There was a quiet trial, a filing of the restraining order and I haven’t heard a thing since.”

  Limb-from-limb. That’s what I want to do, tear this guy apart until he no longer walks the face of the earth. I want to smash something, hard, with my fists until I can’t feel this rage inside of me.

  I want to get to Blake.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” It’s hard to keep my emotions, and anger towards my mother, in check.

  She softens like only a mother can. “Because I watched you fall apart after Joel’s death. I watched my son change, grow up, in the blink of an eye. I watched you in agony for years because of what you decided you did to that girl. But it was never your fault. And neither is this. Blake Sayer has had a hard life, I never wished anything but happiness upon her. But I won’t stand by and watch as she dismantles you again. I won’t do it, Carson.”

  My fists unwind, and I realize she’s only trying to protect me. I go to her, holding her by the shoulders. She’s so much smaller than I remember, at times I thought she was a superhero.

  “Mom, I’m a different person than the one I was ten years ago. Sure, I’m more jaded, I’m sadder. But I have had a lot of time to think. What happened on that beach, in that car, I couldn’t have prevented it. I feel responsible, but I know I didn’t kill my best friend. If I could go back, I’d do a hundred things differently. But I can’t, and it’s something I’ve learned to live with. You don’t need to worry. But you also can’t keep me from her, you know that. She is where I belong. I’ve waited a long time, and I’m going to make her see that. Just trust me and know that you raised a son who is smart enough to know where danger lies, and how to avoid it.”

  Tears sprinkle her eyes, and I hate that I’ve made her cry. She wipes at them. “I’m sorry to get so weepy, it’s just … it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like our family has been whole. These last two months, with you here … it’s been perfect. I’ve waited a long time to have you home, and to see you take your seat at the helm of the company. I’m so happy … I just … I don’t want anything to spoil it.”

  I hug her, and she sobs quietly on my shoulder. “I understand, Mom, I really do.”

  Stepping back, I look into her eyes, hoping she really understands what I’m trying to say.

  “But you have to understand that without Blake, my life is not perfect. I’m not whole. That something will forever be missing if she’s not a part of this. So trust me … and just, support whatever decision I make.”

  She nods, wiping the last of her tears. “God, I was just trying to make some pie and you got me so emotional. Kids these days.”

  I laugh, thankful that I’ve managed to ease some of her worry. My blood though, still simmering low and hot about the information she gave me. I need to get to Blake as soon as I can, to just … I don’t know, hold her. Make sure she’s in one-piece after all of the fucked up hands life has dealt her.

  But first, I need to eat some pie with my mother. “Okay fine, I’ll have one half. You can have the other.”

  25

  Blake

  The pain sprang from my right temple, blooming like a forest fire born from a tiny spark. The agony rippled out, cascading down my cheeks, into my neck, and landing squarely in my shoulders.

  “You fucking bitch. Don’t ever talk back to me again.”

  He was drunk, confused. At least that’s what I told myself as I stumbled to get up off of my dorm room floor.

  “I’m sorry, Wes. I didn’t … I wasn’t talking to him I swear.”

  I wipe my mouth, a sticky substance coming away. As I wiped it off on my white silk camisole, I realized it was blood. Actual blood, dripping from my lip.

  How had I gotten here?

  “Don’t talk back to me, I swear, Blake … or you’ll make me do it again. Why do you force me to do this to you?”

  His blond hair, hulking arms, and angry red face were all wrong. Everything about this was wrong. I hated the way I felt, like sludge and dirt were coursing through my veins. Like I could curl up right here on this dirty carpet and disappear.

  I could be hallucinating, but right then, white light twinkled at the corners of my vision. A tall boy, dark hair and stormy eyes, laid a gentle hand on my back, willing me to get up. Telling me everything would be okay. The touch, not even tangible, felt so familiar. So loving that I could almost weep.

  Wes made a disgusted noise and I heard the door slam, signaling his exit. A relieved, shaky breath expelled from my lungs. At least I got a reprieve for now.

  Dragging myself up, I grabbed the bath towel from the back of my desk chair. Fists of hurt slammed into the right side of my body from where he’d struck me, the force of his hands too great for my much smaller size.

  By some miracle, I make it to the bed, the extra long twin elevated on stilts. If I had a roommate, she’d have already called 911. But I have no one, no friends to save me from the monster I’ve saddled myself to.

  Wes had convinced, more like forced me, to room alone this year. Of course it was okay for him to still live in his fraternity house, doing God knows what.

  I’d done this to myself. Become enamored with the first boy who looked my way and offered to carry my pain. And then he became that pain. I relied on him for so much. Too much that it was now a weakness, and he knew it. Exploited it.

  All I’d been doing tonight was talking to a classmate at a party. I hadn’t been drinking, per Wes’ rules. I hadn’t spoken to a single female since I’d gotten here, also per his rules. He’d left me alone hours ago to toke up in a brother’s room, and I was bored. So I was talking about my lame trigonometry teacher to a kid in the same class.

  And for that, I’d gotten beaten senseless.

  Whimpering as my tender flesh hit the pillow, I knew I’d do nothing about it. Everyone in my life had already left. I wouldn’t leave another person voluntarily. Even if it meant taking the horrible part of Wes with the good side of him.

  I didn’t count walks on the beach to be a violation of my seclusion. In November, there was hardly anyone in the Outer Banks, and an even scarcer amount of people on Carova.

  Typically, I ran. Mindless, with numbing music beating in my ears. It was like my feet were trying to claw me out of this universe, kicking up sand viciously behind me.

  But sometimes, on the clearest of mornings, when the sea sounded like music and my head didn’t feel like being somewhere else … I took a walk. With Rhett running out ahead of me, biting at the surf like it was a plaything, I moseyed down the shoreline with no destination. I let myself get lost in a place that was so familiar to me, I could tell you where every wave would hit the sand on a given day.

  And just like clockwork, the universe intervenes in my plans once again. Seriously, it’s like fate will just not quit bringing us to the same place at the same time. In the past two months, I’ve wondered to myself so many times how the world always knew where we were in relation to one another.

  An old pickup comes rumbling down the beach highway, sand flying up as it flies through the tracks. I’d recognize that car anywhere, but out here, there is nowhere to hide. Self conscious from sleeping together only nights before, I raise a hand in a wave.

  Making love with Carson, because that is what we had done with our bodies and not our words, had been … otherworldly. The way we’d come together was above language, and I still wasn’t sure how to process it. I’d fallen asleep in his arms and had dreamed for the first time in years, waking to the sounds of the surf in a blissful bubble.

  And what he’d said the night before, how he’d confessed his love before pushing inside of me … it still made my stomach flutter. I hadn’t said it back, but hell, I felt it. I didn’t know what to do. Taking that final step, telling him and giving myself back to him completely … it scared the daylight
s out of me. I wanted it, but last time … everything had fallen apart so spectacularly that I was hesitant this time around.

  “Hi, beautiful.” Carson pulls up beside me and stops, getting out of the truck.

  Rhett runs up to him in joyous greeting, jumping on him until Carson takes the stick out of his mouth and launches it towards the water. My lab gallops happily away.

  “Fancy meeting you here.” I walk up to him and go in for a hug, but he gently grabs my chin and brings me in for a lingering, soft kiss.

  I feel his breath against my lips. “I can’t pretend I don’t have something on my mind, so here goes. Why didn’t you tell me about college?”

  My blood chills in my veins, and I can’t seem to catch a deep breath. “Who told you?”

  “It doesn’t matter, baby. It should have been you.” He dips his gaze until he’s eye level with me, and I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

  I don’t even get this emotional about my brother or father’s deaths. Because those are sad events, they cause me grief and sorrow. But they don’t scare me, they don’t freeze my bones or take my voice. And that’s what Wes had done.

  Taking Carson’s hand, and resigning myself to the fact that I now had to tell him, I walked us toward the water and sat.

  “It’s hard, really hard for me to talk about. But I want to try, for us. Okay?”

  “I’m here, I’m listening.” Carson never took his eyes from my face.

  I took a deep breath and faced the water. “I met Wes freshman year, in this sociology class that we had to pair up on a project for. I thought he was so nice, he paid attention to me, he paid me compliments. He was the first person in a while to see me and not act like I was broken or haunted. Only later did I learn that he did see me like that, it was just a turn on for him. I was a target. We started dating, and it went well for the first few months. He was attentive, and I felt like I was healing for the first time since Joel’s accident. And then he started to get jealous. He’d tell me that I couldn’t wear certain things, or talk to certain people. One time he’d called me a slut for wearing this pretty new blouse I’d bought.”