by S. Nahar
Damon: All the damn time. It fucking sucks. My brothers don’t even understand any of this, but I do. I’ve lived through it far too long.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m sure it’ll all get better soon.
Damon: I hope so.
Me: I know so. I have faith.
Damon: In God? No offense, but that’s pretty bull.
I knew he wouldn’t understand, but I wanted to share a special part of me with him, hoping it might ease some of his qualms about his family.
Me: In Islam, we believe that Allah tests those that he loves the most. All this is part of a bigger plan, one that benefits us in the end. Sometimes, you just gotta have some faith.
Damon: That’s a dead concept to me.
Me: I’m not forcing u to believe what I do, but that’s a thought that helps me when I’m down. Maybe it’ll help you.
Damon: Even after all the times I disrespected u, ur still looking out for me. How r u and other Muslims the same?
I rolled my eyes. Repeating the same defense was getting tiring, but it seemed like my words had fallen to blind eyes. Repetition might be his only cure at this point.
Me: U haven’t met enough Muslims to really make a generalization like that.
Damon: Ur right. I haven’t.
Me: *gasps* is the great Damon Winters surrendering his pride to little old me? What a historic event, ladies and gents!
Damon: I’ve been doing that a lot with u, kinda freaky.
Me: I wonder why.
Damon: Ur quite the special one, Amira. I mean it.
I smiled; feeling the warmth crawl up my cheeks till a prominent blush kissed the apples of my cheeks. He was so smooth, and I wondered if he even knew how he made me feel.
Even though I got the tingles and butterflies in my stomach, I couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight on my chest. It was suffocating in a way. My heart felt heavy and tired like I had run a marathon, emulating the sluggish nature of my body. What was this feeling?
Could this be an effect of desire for a bad thing? I felt absolute discomfort at the moment. Instantly, I wanted to get rid of the feeling.
I looked at my clock. It was Asr (afternoon prayer) time, so I got up to pray. As I stood for prayer, I noticed something I didn’t notice before. The discomfort I felt before started to slowly leave. I felt some sort of a calm state flow over me. I focused on my prayer.
The beautiful verses that slipped from my mouth sunk into my heart as I thought of the meanings of the verses I recited. This was what people meant when they said focusing on prayer would relax one’s soul. I finished up my prayer, and felt fulfilled.
“Amira! Tanwir! Come on and eat so we can go to the airport!” Mum yelled from downstairs.
Oh, right. My grandparents were supposed to be coming today.
***
We were currently in the car, the only place where my father could confront us, and we couldn’t run away.
The airport was an hour drive from our place. Tanwir and Baba were in the front seat, Mum and I were in the back as usual. According to Mum, people in the front were more prone to serious damage during an accident than in the back. She wasn’t wrong in that regard.
“Baba, if a Muslim does something wrong because it fulfills their desires, and after doing the deed they feel discomfort; why is that?” I asked.
“Do you know about the signs of Allah’s love?”
“I might, but could you explain it just in case?” I said.
“Tanwir, I want you to listen as well,” Baba said, sternly.
“I’m listening,” Tanwir mumbled.
“Allah says in the Qur’an that there is nothing more beloved to Him than the acts that he made obligatory (fard) which are the things that a Muslim must do. For example, the hijab, the five daily prayers, the fasting in Ramadan, etc., Allah made them fard because he loves these acts, and he punished us if we don’t do it because he refuses us to drift away from Him. That’s how you stay close to Allah. By doing those acts, we keep closer to Allah. A Muslim keeps doing all this until Allah begins to love him or her. Do you understand?”
I nodded my head.
“When Allah loves His servant, he becomes the ears that you hear with, the sight which you see with, the hand that you touch with, and the legs that you walk with. Do you know what that means? It means that your ears should only listen to good things. When you listen to something like pop music, you will feel discomfort. It is the same thing with the eyes, legs, and hands. When you do something that Allah disapproves with you feel discomfort. That’s how you know that Allah loves you,” he concluded, and I could only nod.
Does Allah love me? I thought as I leaned my head on Mum’s shoulder. I gazed Tanwir, who had a distant look in his eyes, reflecting from Baba’s words. I knew the words had touched him on the inside, and I felt proud. He really was trying to change. Maybe I could, too
Chapter 13
The River of Denial
Damon Winters
Amira still hadn’t responded to my last text. Why won’t she freaking answer me? This girl was slowly becoming a drug for me, one that I needed more of everyday just to sustain myself. She was an addiction that I never wanted to overcome.
“Damon! I need help with the math homework,” Tye whined beside me.
Tye was hanging out at my place, so we decided to finish some homework. I looked at his paper.
“The answer’s four.”
“You’re a lifesaver, man,” he grinned.
I chuckled.
“So, how’s Amira?” Tye asked, as he wiggled his eyebrows. His eyes were a deep sienna with a healthy dose of mischief.
I gave him a blank stare. “How should I know?”
“Sure, you don’t. No guy would spend all his time texting some girl if he wasn’t interested in her,” he snorted.
“Hey, I don’t have to be romantically interested in her,” I defended.
“Is Damon in a relationship?” my thirteen-year-old brother, Daniel, questioned as he walked into the room. Like me, Daniel had my brown hair that created waves like the ocean on our head, but Daniel could go tan and I couldn’t.
“I don’t have a girlfriend!” I exclaimed. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m just trying to focus on school right now?”
Daniel and Tye cracked up laughing, holding onto their stomachs as the tremors of ineffable contentment swarmed over their hearts, a gentle rhythm of guys enjoying each other’s company.
I exhaled a deep sigh, realizing there was nothing I could say to save myself from the situation. As the boys laughed, I openly glared at them, crossing my arms over my chest in an attempt to look threatening.
“He really is blind,” Tye chuckled.
“I know right,” Daniel smirked.
I wished that I could slap them without getting in trouble.
“What are you idiots talking about?” I glared.
“You’re denying a very strong affection towards this girl, dude,” Tye said, patting my shoulder.
I rolled my eyes, pushing Tye’s hands off me. “I don’t roll like that. She’s just a friend. Nothing more and nothing less,” I stated in a confident voice.
“That’s what you think,” mumbled Daniel.
“That’s what I know,” I retorted
Daniel shrugged innocently, a smug smile playing on the corners of his lips, emerald eyes glinting like a devil planning a bargain.
“Get out, Daniel,” I scowled.
He threw his head in a small chuckle, winking at me as he walked out the door, shutting it behind him.
Once he was gone, I sighed, sliding to the floor, leaning against the side of my bed. Tye sunk down next to me, offering a small smile to ease the annoyance that littered around me from their constant teasing.
The atmosphere between us was shifted by a gentle rush of wind outside my window. The blue curtains flowed, flying with effortless ease. I felt myself move with it, my mood immediately lifted from the stillness of nature.
&
nbsp; I couldn’t like Amira romantically. We were just friends, something that she made very clear to me. She was a Muslim, I had despised Muslims, hating the cruelty they brought to the world, and to me. It wouldn’t make sense if I actually fell in love with one.
The irony of that situation would kill me. Guys like me didn’t have to fall in love, especially with Muslims girls. I could not fall in love with Amira. It wouldn’t happen.
“Hey, Damon?”
“What?”
“Why are so against the idea of liking Amira as more than a friend?” Tye asked, quickly shifting his gaze to the carpeted floors like he was uncertain of my response.
The question caught me off guard. “I guess… I guess it’s just hard to overcome what Luqmaan did.”
He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “Who?”
“Luqmaan,” I winced slightly at the very mention of his name. “He’s the guy who hit me first and started all this. He pretended to be my friend for three years, Tye. Three years.”
“For what reason?”
“My connections with other people. Luqmaan was heavily involved in some shady things, stuff I shamefully participated in,” I sighed with disappointment clouding over me. “I still can’t believe what he did.”
Tye nudged me again, smiling sadly. “Hey, man. You don’t have to tell me everything. I know it must hurt.”
“It does.”
“But Amira and most of the Muslims at our school are nothing like Luqmaan. You came to our school for a clean slate, right?”
I nodded.
“Well, this is your chance, Damon. You don’t need to keep hurting yourself with the past. It’s time to move forward.”
“I don’t know how,” I whispered a bit too brokenly for my liking.
“Stop all these doubts with Muslims. You’re giving yourself unnecessary amounts of stress. I’ve lived by them my whole life, and yeah, there were bad apples among the community, but doesn’t everyone have that?” he asked gently.
“I’ve never heard you sound so wise,” I lightly joked, trying to lift the mood.
Type scowled. “Really? That’s all you got from my deep, moving speech? Honestly, Damon, you give me senior depression.”
I chuckled. “Thanks, Tye. It sounded exactly like something Amira would say to me.”
“She’s right, you know.”
I knew Tye wasn’t encouraging me to date her or anything because Tye and I knew well that Muslims didn’t fool around in relationships. Either I was in it forever or for never. Tye wanted me to open my heart to the community just like my mother, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to.
I wanted to change. I wanted to be a man that Amira could be proud of, that my brothers could admire. I wanted to free myself from the chains of prejudice. I just didn’t know how.
How could I trust those who have wronged me? They came from the same seedling of beliefs, yet contrasted in their practices. Luqmaan lied with such ease and poise.
Amira also plays that same role. This time, I was cautious. This time, it would be different. She may not be like Luqmaan, but she definitely wasn’t off the hook. No amount of attraction could change that.
Chapter 14
The Storm on the Sea
Damon Winters
Thunder roared outside. Lightning flashed throughout the room like harsh needles piercing against the window. The winds howled, whistling its dangerous tune to all those who dared to step in it. Animals scurried away into their hiding spots and I found myself distracted by the loud screeching from my window, the game in front of me was forgotten.
“You did what?” exclaimed my mother from the kitchen.
My head shot up. Daniel and I, were playing video games, up until we heard Mom’s screams and shouts. The shouts were followed by a loud crash. I jumped a little. What on earth was going on?
We ran toward the kitchen. The screaming and crashing didn’t stop as we entered the room. My parents had argued before, but none were as violent as this. There were never night piercing shrieks, only mild yelling or a couple of curses thrown around, but they always made up before the sun rose and streaked the sky in its brilliant rays of radiance.
Although I hated how easily Mom forgave him, I knew that I couldn’t deny the longing I felt for my father to be just like other American fathers, ones who became role models to their children, ones who were always there, ones who brought out the best in me.
My father wasn’t like that. He was distracted by money with constant unstable jobs, relying heavily on my mother.
The first thing I saw was Mom’s tear streaked face. Dad was kneeling beside her, as she leaned against him on the floor.
Dad wore a tired look on his face. His hair was messed up, sticking out like static and stress mixed together. There were dark, deep purple bags under his eyes and his forehead was creased, lips thin from shame.
Mom looked broken. She screamed and thrashed against him, hitting his chest repeatedly. Her blue eyes were glaring ice shards at my father through her bloodshot tears and heart wrenching sobs. Her cheeks were flushed as she continued insulting Dad.
“Mom? Dad?” my ten-year-old brother, Percy, asked with fear in his eyes.
Through all the commotion, I didn’t even notice that Percy entered the room. I stared horrified at my parents, and their eyes were not meeting ours. They were absorbed in the fire that had ignited between them, and their love was going in flames from the mere sight. Mom pushed Dad off her with a strong force, making him stumble back. She stood up and openly glared at Dad, clenching her fists at her sides.
“Would you like to tell the kids, or should I?” she seethed in distaste. Her eyes had an unusual flare to it. It was cold like an iceberg prepared for destruction. I’ve never seen such anger radiate from Mom ever before.
“Lauren, please—” Dad begged.
“How could you? Did you ever once think of your kids and their well-being? Tell me! Are you really that blind?” Mom screeched, pushing his chest.
Another clap of thunder echoed through the room as a hushed silence feel upon us. Mom’s heavy breathing and choked sobs were all that was heard. I tried to speak, but I was frozen.
Fear overwhelmed me at my mother’s state. I opened my mouth, but words didn’t come out. My mind swirled with all the stupid things Dad could have done. I tried to move, but my limbs and joints stayed frozen to the floor. Dad looked at me, his pleading eyes made me snap out of my trance.
“Dad, what is she talking about?” I asked slowly.
Dad opened his mouth, but Mom beat him to it. “He gambled eight thousand dollars last night!” she yelled.
My jaw fell open as I stared at Dad. He had his head held down in shame, not able to face us after what he had done. The weight of his actions laid heavy on all of our shoulder. The force threatened to shatter the strength this family had built for years, cracking the thin glass inside us. After the shock wore off, my fists clenched at my sides as I felt my blood boil.
“What the hell, Dad? Why? Just tell me why? Damn it!” I practically growled.
“Damon, I didn’t mean to,” he reasoned.
Mom let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah right. You had full control of your actions. I thought you would have thought of your family first, but I guess I was wrong,” she sneered.
I felt Percy tug my shirt. I turned to him, and saw he had tears in his green eyes. My heart instantly softened at this sight. He was terrified, paralyzed from the toxicity in the air that my parents had created, more importantly my father.
That God damned bastard.
“Daniel, you and Percy, go to your rooms. Stay away from the kitchen until this is sorted out,” I ordered.
Daniel glared at me. “No. If you get to stay here, so do I.”
I looked at him with a fierce expression. “Daniel, it wasn’t a request. It was an order and I expect you to follow it,” I said coldly.
Daniel was about to talk back to me, but Dad stopped him. “Please Daniel. Don’t ma
ke this harder than it should be,” he pleaded.
Daniel sighed and took Percy away. Stupid thirteen-year-olds can’t even listen to simple instructions, I mentally huffed. I turned my attention back to my parents.
“Dad, I can’t believe you did that. I agree with Mom. How could you not think of your family? Are we really not that important to you? Wow. What a great dad you turned out to be,” I sarcastically said as I headed for the door. “Maybe next time you should think like a father and not an asshole,” I said over my shoulder and then walked out.
I headed to my room, and slammed the door shut. That asshat! That man was supposed to be my father. I groaned in frustration. Dad just wasted so much money. What are we going to do now?
I felt anger build up inside me as I thought more about the situation. The sparks were burning within me, my mind was ripping the image of my father. There were no heartfelt memories, no sweet moments, no words; just a hollow black hole seemed to fill that void. My fist collided with the wall. I felt a burning sting on my knuckles, but I couldn’t care less at the moment.
The surging flare crept up my body as I hit the wall with more force, letting all of my frustrations out of my system. I finally felt a terrible sting on my hand, but I kept going punch after punch, yell after yell, kick after kick, and I didn’t stop till my body was completely drained of the poison my father had implanted within my heart.
I stopped punching the wall and looked down at my fists. My breathing was heavy and there was sweat trickling down my neck. My knuckles were red and swollen with a few blisters and blood was seeping from the busted skin. I slumped against the wall in defeat. No matter how long I punched my anger out, I knew that it would never erase Dad’s mistakes.
A small buzz came from my back pocket. Reaching out to grab it, I unlocked my phone to see a message from Amira. Man, how I wish I could hear her voice now.
I wanted to hold her tight against my body, to feel her soft body mold perfectly against mine as I embrace her. I could see her breathtaking smile shining down on me. Sighing in content, my mind drifted off to the thoughts of her, needing to feel the warmth that I desired from her. How was it that the mere thought of her calmed my senses down?