by S. Nahar
I leaned against the wall. I saw a few of Amira’s friends tonight. Meredith was frantically talking on the phone, while Aria walked off outside. I bet it had to do with that Mark thing. What a prick that guy was. Now, he was making out with that girl, Leah, even though he knew that his ex-girlfriend had been watching.
Mark was a prime example of a man I didn’t want to become. That was a heartless act, something that couldn’t be easily forgiven, and I never wanted to become that type of monster. Mark took a young girl’s fragile heart, and crushed it without a second thought. He plundered through the gift of love just to rejuvenate his expanding ego.
Breaking away from my distasteful thoughts, I realized that Kaylie was trying to make small talk, but the alcohol was getting to her. She put her hands on my chest to steady herself. Damn, this girl only had one shot.
Tye even made sure the alcohol wasn’t too strong. It was just a sprite-type drink, and barely had any alcohol in it. But some people sneaked into other people’s drinks, so who knew what this chick even drank?
I placed my hand on her hip to steady her. Trying to force myself to become somewhat aroused by the more than willing girl in front of me, I couldn’t stop my straying mind from thoughts about Amira and her smiles. I squeezed my eyes shut, needing to pretend for once that the girl in front of me was Amira just to ignore the slashing pain on my chest.
When I opened my eyes again, I noticed a navy-blue scarf behind Kaylie’s massive curls. Did my eyes deceive me? It can’t be her.
My heart drummed loudly against my chest in anticipation as I pushed Kaylie away, and was meet with the sweetest little eyes. “Amira,” I breathed.
I couldn’t stop the smile from coming onto my lips. She was here. She stood there standing in purple floral pants and a navy-blue button-up shirt. It only made my mouth drool to see what was underneath even though she was thoroughly covered, but most of all it made me want her cuddled up next to me. The primal urge to claim her as mine was overtaking my senses.
Her eyes were cloudy with a mixture of emotions. Hurt, anger, and betrayal? My smile dropped. Why did she feel that way? Why wasn’t she happy to see me?
“Amira, what’s wrong?” I asked, as I took a step closer.
She took a step back, and raised her hands as a sign to show me to stop. “Sorry I interrupted. I didn’t know you were busy,” she said with irritation.
“Busy? I wasn’t-oh,” I realized. “Amira, no, it wasn’t like that.”
“It’s cool, Damon. Sorry I even bothered,” she whispered the last part in hurt. She turned to walk away.
“No, Amira. Stop,” I begged.
I needed her to listen to me. I didn’t want her to think of me as a player anymore. I wanted her to like me the way I liked her. I wanted Amira, not Kaylie. I was not letting her get away from me. Not tonight.
Amira stopped walking away. She stood breathing heavily. Was she crying? Guilt stabbed at my chest, knowing I was the cause of her tears. I had hurt her, something I did not want to do.
“Amira, why does the thought of me being with Kaylie bother you?” I whispered, quietly.
“It doesn’t. You like her, so what?” she spat out with anger lingering in her eyes.
“I don’t like her.”
“Damon, you need to stop using girls for your pleasure. You promised your mother and yourself that this year would be different. It’s not fair to anyone involved,” she scolded while glaring at me.
I didn’t want anyone, but you. It wasn’t fair to you, I wanted to say. “You’re right,” I admitted, while paying more attention to her beautiful face. Her lips looked so soft and inviting.
“Then, why do you keep doing it?” she asked with crossed arms.
She was so freaking cute. I couldn’t pay attention to her without wanting to kiss her worries away. I wanted to claim her badly as mine. I wanted to reassure her that I was all hers and nobody else’s.
“We were just talking. I had no intention of using her, Amira. I wasn’t going to go back on my word,” I stated.
She was taken aback by my response. “Really?” she questioned with curiosity.
God, her eyes were beautiful. How did God create such a pretty being? Even her hijab showed how beautiful she was. So innocent, so pure, I wanted her bad. I wanted her to be mine.
“Amira, are you jealous?” I asked, with a smile tugging the corners of my lips.
“What? No! Of course, not,” she huffed with a faint blush covering her cheeks.
“Sweetheart, I would never do such a thing if I knew it bothered you so deeply,” I kept my voice low and deep.
I saw her body tense with how husky my voice sounded. I didn’t want Amira for sex. I wanted her to be my girl. I learned to love her personality. She was my addiction, much more than a friend.
She was beautiful to me because of how chaste her heart was. She told me that her hijab represented a symbol of modesty, and that if she wears it, she also has to play the part. She played it very well.
Her purity rang bells to those around her, forcing evil eyes to stay below the white exterior of her chastity. Her heart could not be tainted with immorality because Amira was moral with strong beliefs that echoed within my mind.
She didn’t have to wear revealing outfits for my gaze to be only on her. To me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Amira’s presence just screamed respect and love. It took everything in me not to push her against the wall and claim her lips in a mind-blowing kiss.
“Go back to partying, Damon. I have stuff to do. Wouldn’t want to break in on your parade,” she said with a hint of anger.
I was getting angry. Couldn’t she see that I just wanted her?
“What the hell, Amira? Can’t you see that I just wanted to party with you? And you lied to me. It’s not fair if you get to be angry and I can’t,” I glared.
Even though I was getting worked up, her flushed cheeks and fiery eyes had me harder than ever. The need to crush her body to mine was overwhelming.
“What do you have to be angry about?” she challenged.
“You said you weren’t coming to the party and here you are,” I said.
“How dare you accuse me of being a liar? Have I ever lied to you, Damon? I wasn’t going to come. I only came to pick up my friends,” she spat out.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. ‘Oh’,” she mocked.
“Why are you being so rude?”
“Why are you flaunting around with another girl?” she retorted.
Damn, that hit a nerve.
“I freaking told you I wasn’t going to use her,” I said exasperated.
“Then I have nothing to say.”
“But you’re still talking!”
“Cause you keep arguing.”
I chuckled. “Okay, okay. You’re right. I’m sorry. Am I forgiven?” I smiled, raising my hands in surrender.
She sighed. “If my Lord can forgive, then who am I not to?”
“So, is that a yes?” I asked.
“I guess it is.”
I walked closer to her and raised my hand to touch her cheek, but she flinched and moved back.
“Why won’t you let me touch you?” I asked gently while grabbing her wrist.
Tingles shot through my arm at the feel of her smooth tan skin, but before I could do anything, she closed her eyes and pulled away. She was breathing heavily and I knew I had an effect on her. She wanted me like I wanted her.
“I’m saving myself for someone special,” was her simple reply.
“And I’m not him?” I smirked.
“I don’t know. But I’m not taking risks,” she said.
While I had the courage, I should tell her that I really liked her. After what happened today, I wanted her to know how much she means to me. I was positive that my feelings were real. No other girl made me feel this way.
“Hey, Amira. I really l-” I started but was cut off.
“Amira! Finally! We need to leave now. Aria looks like
a lost soul right now,” Meredith yelled, as she came close to us with Aria right behind her.
“Oh right,” said Amira, seeming a little distracted in her own thoughts. “Bye, Damon,” she waved over her shoulder.
I waved back as she took her friends away. I sighed, being left bothered, and the one girl who could fix that was gone. After waving my friends off, I decided to go home. I felt no reason to stick around without Amira.
Everything seemed bland and dull without her calming personality.
“Stupid feelings,” I muttered, as I stepped into my car.
Chapter 20
Subtle Confessions
Amira Sarker
After I successfully dropped Meredith and Aria home, I headed back to my place. I couldn’t help but think of Damon. His touch burned me, igniting an inner flame that awoken dormant desires. Every second that he was so close to me, I felt my body go into alarms, warning me to step away.
I sighed, the things that boy did to me. How could something so wrong feel so right?
I was longing to be loved, to feel the comfort in a man’s arms, the gentle press of his lips, to be close to him in every possible way. It was almost as if I was open to the idea of breaking all the walls of moral beliefs I built up just to get with Damon. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t.
I had to be patient. Surely, the pure hearts were for the pure. I had to trust Allah. This was a test that I have to pass, but so far, I looked pretty average.
I parked Tanwir’s car and got out. I really hoped Tanwir kept good to his words because although I trusted my brother, there was a small tinge of fear for what he was capable of.
Oh Allah, please don’t let his anger have controlled him while I was gone. Fear settled deep in my stomach as I unlocked the door. I felt guilty that I was thinking so low of my brother, but what if something bad happened?
“Assalamualaikum,” I called out, as I walked in and shut the door behind me.
“Amira?”
“Oh... uh... Mum?” I stuttered, realizing that I had been caught.
“Where were you?” she asked, suspiciously.
“I had to pick up some friends because they didn’t have a ride.”
“From where?”
“Uh... a person’s house?”
“Whose house?”
Oh Allah, this feels like an interrogation.
“A classmate’s. Don’t worry. Nothing bad happened and I safely came home. I wasn’t even gone too long. Less than an hour,” I reassured her.
Mum stared at me with a hard gaze that made me shift in my position. Lord, she’s scaring me.
“Amira, don’t leave without telling me next time. It’s not a good behavior,” she sighed.
I looked at the ground. “I know.”
“Go to bed now. We need to go to the hospital in the morning.”
“How’s Nanu?” I asked.
A look of despair crossed Mum’s features. Her eyes dulled down and her lips were in a thin line. “The doctors don’t know yet. They’re still running tests.”
“Oh.”
Mum walked up the stairs and I followed after. Poor Nanu, he didn’t deserve this. Not even Mum.
I remembered how I used to sing nasheeds (Muslim songs) to Nanu whenever we went to Bangladesh. He took me to the marketplace and bought me anything in the bazaar. Even though I only saw him for two months every few years, I still felt a connection towards him.
I still had a strong love for him. He was a special person in my life that contributed to helping me become who I am today. Oh Allah, please protect and save him. Please help my Nanu.
I shut the door to my room and took my hijab off, changing into more comfortable clothes. I laid on my bed, and pulled out my phone, feeling the urge to talk to Damon again.
Lucky for me, I had a new message from Damon. I bit my lip. I shouldn’t talk to him anymore. I had to end this before these feelings grew even more. He didn’t feel the same and he never would. I knew this, yet I kept hoping that it was a lie and he really did like me.
I groaned. Why couldn’t life be simple? Why couldn’t he be mine? I had to stand on the side lines, as he flirted with whoever he wanted. This wasn’t fair! I sat straight and clutched my head.
I felt tears prick my eyes but I held them back. I felt a heavy weight on my shoulders, dragging me into my sin to an even darker abyss, reminding me of all my faults, and all my imperfections were written in ink. On the Day of Judgment, I had no excuse to give Allah.
Slowly, tears began to streak down my cheeks, rolling down the smooth surface. “Oh Allah. Hear my call. Please help me understand my feelings. Please protect me from the forbidden desires I’m holding deep in my heart. Help me, Allah. Only you can help me,” I whispered into my pillow.
Damon didn’t feel my struggles. He would never understand why Allah put restrictions on Muslims in an effort to protect their hearts from heartbreak and impurity. He would never understand my love for my Creator, and why I always put Allah first.
“I’m so scared, Allah. I know this is a trial, but it’s getting to hard to pass now. I’m scared I’ll do something I’ll regret. I’m afraid of my desires. Help me, please. I beg you, Allah. Save me.”
This was too hard. I bitterly laughed at myself. We’re not even together and I’m acting like this is a break-up. How pathetic of me.
Stop, Amira. Calm down. Don’t do this to yourself, my thoughts chimed me.
I took a shuddering breath, sitting up and wiping the tears with the back of my hand. I heard a beep from my phone.
Meredith: Thanks so much for picking us up. But we really need to make Aria feel better :(
I flipped through my contacts till I found Aria’s.
Me: How u holding up? U can talk to me if you like y’know. I’m here for u :)
I leaned back against the headboard of the bed. Allah, why do you give so many trials in life? It’s so hard and I know I should trust You, but it’s so hard. These feelings inside me were almost deadly, stabbing me with knives threatening to shatter my form. Damon was a temptation, an attractive face behind a mask.
Another beep sounded from my phone.
Aria: To be honest I feel like crap. I want him back, but it’s too hard. I hate him, yet I still love him. What do I do?
Me: Aria, guys don’t think with their heads now. We’re young and can be stupid. ur a very mature girl and some guys take longer to get on our level. I know heartbreak isn’t easy to get over, but take things slow with urself. Have patience in life because with every hardship comes ease.
I reread what I sent. I had to be patient as well. I trusted Allah. He would never give me a trial that I couldn’t handle.
“Whoever puts his trust in Allah, He will suffice.” (Surah Al Talaq 65:3)
The ghost of a smile feathered my lips, as I thought of the verse. I was going to be okay. I had to be. I had Allah with me. At that moment, I felt as if a weight was lifted off me, as I began to feel the seeds I planted grow inside me in an effort to stand bolder, stronger without any force dragging me down because I had Allah’s radiance protecting me.
I pitied the people who didn’t have Allah in their hearts. How could they not? I couldn’t imagine losing my relationship with Allah. He was the only one I can count on to help ease my pain in life.
No medicine in the whole world could make me feel better the way Allah could. Drugs distracted the pain, but they could never get rid of the roots of the pain. Only Allah had the power.
My phone buzzed beside me, and I saw it was a text from Damon, making my heart flutter in my chest.
Damon: Did u get home safely?
Me: Yeah.
Damon: Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure, what is it?
Damon: There’s this girl who’s really amazing. She doesn’t see it, but everyone around her does. She can break my heart if she wanted to. I don’t know how but she put a spell on me, and the girls can’t even compare to her. I trust her with all my hea
rt, and the fact that she might not feel the same kills me. What do I do?
I felt my heart drop. He liked someone. The green vines of jealousy wrapped around my form, choking my insides in a deadly grip that threatened to escape me.
Me: She must be pretty special.
Damon: Oh, she is. I could lose myself in her beautiful eyes every time I talk to her. She doesn’t even know how the smallest movements she does manage to kill me inside.
Who was this girl?
Me: Is she pretty?
Damon: Absolutely beautiful but that could just be because of how amazing her personality is.
Me: She sounds great.
Damon: Who do u like?
I wanted to tell him that I liked him, but now he liked someone. It was a lost cause.
Me: Y do u care?
Damon: Because ur my friend. We trust each other.
Me: I don’t like anyone.
Damon: Ur lying.
Me: I’m not.
It was quiet for a while. How I wished I was the girl he was talking about, but if I was, it would be dangerous as well because I would be heartbroken in the end. Damon and I couldn’t be together.
As harsh as it sounded, we would never work out. I was a Muslim. Allah told us that we should stay away from these relationships because he had someone special saved for us. I trusted Allah, which was why I’d try my best to stay away.
“Oh, Allah please forgive me,” I whispered.
After several minutes, Damon responded.
Damon: I have to tell u something.
Me: What?
Damon: I like u.
Chapter 21
Difficult Pathways, One Destination
Amira Sarker
Those words three letter words kept replaying in my head.
I like you.
Butterflies erupted in my lower region. Joy overwhelmed me. He liked me. Damon liked me. I couldn’t help but be satisfied that he felt the same as I felt for him. I was about to type back and tell him that I’m feeling the same way too, but of course the harsh reality hit like cold water.