by S. Nahar
“Is the great Amira Sarker actually blushing?” I teased.
I was an ass.
But she loved it.
“I never blush. Why would I?” she huffed and crossed her arms.
I leaned in closer to her, which made her stumble back a little. My breath was right next to her headscarf as I whispered, “Because I make you nervous.”
Her breathing wavered. She was so beautiful. Her flawless face and dark eyes seemed to hypnotize me every time I stared at them. Her innocent demeanor, her strong personality, and her valuable morals have all rubbed off on me. She made me a better person and all I wanted to do was make her happy.
I wanted to be the cause of her smile, her laughter, and her brightened eyes in every glance she took at me. Love wasn’t supposed to be this overwhelming with a desire to please and comfort, yet here I was standing before a personal angel and all her wings of glory.
Someone coughed behind me. I broke my gaze away from Amira to see Tye pointing at his watch. I rolled my eyes. How stupid does he think I am?
“Hey, Amira. I need to ask you something.”
She raised her eyebrow in question.
“There’s someone really special I want you to meet,” I said nervously while scratching the back of my neck.
“Who?”
“My sister.”
She looked taken aback. “What?”
I sighed and interlaced our fingers. “I want you to meet her. She’ll love you,” I smiled, reassuringly.
“But why?” she narrowed her eyes.
“Why not?” I countered.
“You’re stalling. What’s the real reason?” she asked. Is it wrong to find her undeniably adorable when she was irritated?
“Because I love you,” I said softly while holding her hand to my lips. I placed a gentle kiss on the soft skin of her hand, tilting my head to look up at her.
I heard her take a breath. Her lips were parted, as if she was waiting for a kiss, and her eyes had a glint that wasn’t there before. Suddenly, all her emotions were shut off as a cold look entered her eyes, pulling her hand away from my grasp.
She looked away from me, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth. A look of uncertainty crossed her brown eyes, fear clasping over her of the unknown future with me. I knew her answer, but I refused to believe it.
People fought for love. Perhaps I could do the same for ours.
I checked my watch. We had ten minutes till the first bell. I wish we had more time together, but instead; all these obstacles were put between us. There had to be a way for us to be together. I wouldn’t stop until she was mine. I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.
“Damon, please. I’m begging you to move on from me. Don’t do this, Damon. I can’t bear to think that I’m hurting you,” she pleaded to me with glassy eyes.
Sorrow and anguish filled her eyes. I realized that each word she was saying was hurting her which was unacceptable. She shouldn’t have to be in pain for being in love.
“We can be together, Amira. We both love each other and I heard you last night. You love me like I love you. We’ll get through this together,” I promised.
She frantically shook her head. “No, we can’t. You know this. We have to let each other go,” her voice cracked at the end.
I felt my temper rising, but I held it back. “You want me to let go of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Are you insane?” I asked with an edge to my voice.
“Yes! I want you to let me go. You don’t even know what love is, Damon! How can you say you love me if you don’t even know what it is?” she exclaimed, harshly.
“I don’t know what love is? Are you hearing yourself? I’m crazy for you. I would have even converted for you if you let me. Hearing you cry over the phone, and not being there with you to help was killing me. I feel lost whenever we’re apart. You changed me and all I want is you. Not even want, for God’s sake! I need you,” I said breathlessly and lowered my voice. I reached for her hand again and placed it over my heart, which was thundering rapidly within my chest. “Feel that? That’s what you do to me every time I’m near you,” I whispered into her ear. We were so close to each other, but her hand was a barrier between us.
“Damon,” she started.
“Do you love me?” I blurted out as I stepped closer.
She stepped back. “Look I -”
“Do you love me, Amira?” I repeated.
She stayed silent for a moment before whispering a mumble, “Yes.”
I stepped back with a grin. “Then we’ll be okay, sweetheart.”
She sighed. “If you really love me, you’d move on.”
“I love you so much to do that. I can’t bear the thought of someone else having you,” I said honestly.
“Please, do it for me.”
I moved away from her as if her touch had burned me. My fingers were tangling in my hair, tugging at the edges as I tried to wrap my mind around her words. Amira pushed too hard this time; too desperate to cleanse her soul from my stained one. She wanted me to let her go, but how could I let the one girl I love go?
“Amira, I don’t know if I can.”
She looked at me curiously. “What do you mean?”
Ring! Ring!
I gave her an apologetic smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes. She simply looked away.
“Come on, let’s go to class,” she mumbled.
***
Throughout the day, I kept thinking about what Amira had said. I sat at my desk, listening to my Calculus teacher, but was unable to comprehend what he was saying.
“If you really love me, you’d let me go.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to torture myself like this. I continued trying to follow his lesson.
“We have to let each other go.”
I dropped my pencil and pinched the bridge of my nose, but I could still her voice in my head.
“I’m sorry, Damon.”
Stop. Her voice is all I hear and I couldn’t concentrate anymore.
“I love you too.”
I used to laugh at people who said love was real and that love was just a figment everyone had, then I met Amira. She was the one person I could trust with all my heart. I could tell her anything and she would welcome me with her sense of comfort. She was my home.
She loved me, but she asked me to let her go. It wasn’t because she hated me; it was for the kind of love she had for me and I realized that it was true.
The thought of letting her go pained me to no end because I didn’t want to. It felt like a knife stabbing my chest. The thought of releasing her from the prison I created tore me apart, shredding me into pieces and leaving my fragmented memories of her lost in the abyss of a thousand worries. Letting her go meant letting myself go. It meant losing the one girl who secured my heart with a lock and key forever.
She wanted to unlock it.
I rested my head on my arms. How can I let her go? I need her so much.
I had plans for our future, children, and family. I built my life with her in my dreams a million times. It felt so real within my grasp until I could almost touch the future. Suddenly, darkness clouded over that surreal peace, tearing it into tendrils of gloom.
Now, I would have to watch her move on with a Muslim man that wasn’t me. However, if it made her happy, I would do it. My breathing wavered. I knew I was going to let Amira go.
My heart broke with every memory of her that passed my mind. The hope I once had was slowly being shredded. Every smile she gave that used to warm my heart, now felt suffocating. Her touch was forever embedded in my mind.
Why was life so cruel? I was losing Amira and I couldn’t stop it. Love was the best thing that ever happened to someone, but could also be the worst. Well, in my case, it was.
“Mr. Winters, are you alright?” Mr. Baron asked, snapping me out of my depressing thoughts.
“I think I need to go to the nurse,” I mumbled.
He wrote me a pass quickly once he
saw my sickened expression. I saw all the kids in class looking at me as I walked up to his desk.
“Feel better,” Tye whispered, as I walked by.
A nurse wouldn’t make this pain go away. No one could.
Chapter 35
Broken Hearts
Amira Sarker
I started to lightly sketch out the bowl of fruits in front of me, shading gray lines across the shadows and edges of the bowl. Coloring the highlight on the apple, my mind wavered elsewhere from my drawing and onto Damon. I was currently sitting in Art class and attempting to draw. Luckily, Alexis was in this class too, along with Tasneem.
“Holy shit! I’m done. I can’t draw for my life,” Alexis groaned, as she slammed her pencil against the art table.
Tasneem winced. “Isn’t it a little too late to give up?” she asked.
Alexis huffed and crossed arms. “It’s never too late to give up.”
“I think you mean it’s never too late to fix your mistakes,” I countered.
Alexis slammed her head against the table, mumbling incoherently. I chuckled as I lightly traced over the delicate lines on my paper. I paused, facing her and poked her side.
“Stop.”
I poked her again.
“Stop it.”
This time I pinched her side.
She sprang upwards in surprise. “Holy damn! What part of ‘stop’ do you not understand?!” she exclaimed with her hands in the air.
I chuckled. “Don’t be such a bum.”
“Shut up,” she mumbled.
I laughed loudly, causing our class to glance towards us with amused eyes. Feeling embarrassed, I put my attention back to my drawing. I heard Alexis grumble under her breath and it made me grin. I always found her getting riled up to be amusing.
Time seemed to tick by slowly yet all my attention was focused on my assignment. Art class was a way to express myself. The different colors and the blank page represented a clean slate. I could erase every mistake I made; however, reality wasn’t like that.
I couldn’t start over with a blank canvas that easy. My canvas was splattered with different colors. Both darkness and light filled the negative spaces. Only sincere repentance could help one start with a blank canvas.
No matter how dark my canvas could get, it disappeared when I repented. Allah would forgive the sincerest hearts. However, the memories of the darkness still haunted me and would never leave such mistakes that I didn’t ever want to repeat.
When my sister died, I thought I could never recover, but here I was now. I was living life like any other normal teenager, surviving through every difficulty Allah has given me. It still hurt oftentimes like a fresh wound. She was my sister. My own flesh and blood and I watched her slowly die. That memory will never be forgotten. She would never be forgotten.
“Could I borrow that?” asked a voice.
I snapped out of my thoughts as I looked at the newcomer. It was Sean, an Asian art prodigy. His long black hair slightly covered his left eye, while his rectangular glasses reflected the light at our table. He blew it away from his face as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry?”
“I asked if I could borrow that color,” he said, gesturing with his head.
“Sure,” I shrugged.
He smiled, and it was adorable in a boyish way. He was short but lean, and he had cat-like eyes that seemed to scream mischievousness. Sean was pretty awkward most of the times, but according to Alexis, he was very loud around his friends.
“Hey, Sean!” Alexis shouted.
Sean turned on his heel towards us. “What?” he asked in a bored tone.
“Well, geez. Why couldn’t it be ‘hello, I see you?’” he sarcastically replied.
He rolled his eyes. His mouth twitched upwards into a smirk and slightly bowed. “Forgive me, your Highness. I did not mean to displease you,” he said in a fake British accent.
Alexis raised her hand in dismissal. “Off with your head!” she said, as she clapped her hands.
Tasneem and I exchanged glances. This should be amusing.
“Oh please, your Highness. I beg of you,” Sean pleaded halfheartedly.
Alexis opened her mouth to say more but Tasneem stopped her. “What is this, Medieval Times?”
Sean chuckled. “Nah she was just being retarded. Carry on with your drawings.”
Alexis’s jaw dropped. At this point I was doubling over with laughter. I wiped a fake tear.
“That’s golden,” I grinned.
“Sean! Did you just call Alexis a retard?” Ms. Nelson asked.
“Uhh... no?”
“Liar! You’re such a bastard!” Alexis screamed.
“Are you trying to make me deaf? You sound like a banshee,” he cringed.
“What?” Alexis deadpanned.
“I said—”
“I know what you said! I was giving you the option to rephrase your words before I kill you,” she glared while clenching her fist.
“Dude, she’s about to whip you,” I warned.
“No joke,” muttered Tasneem.
“I’m so scared. Ah! Help,” he said sarcastically.
“Okay, okay, that’s enough. As much as I find this amusing, I don’t want to deal with a corpse today, so don’t provoke her anymore,” Ms. Nelson demanded.
Sean shrugged and went back to his seat. Ms. Nelson eyed him wearily, and retreated back to her desk. She was one of the coolest teachers who tolerated us more, compared to other teachers, which is probably why she’s one of my favorite instructors.
I sighed, as I leaned back to admire my work. It looked good enough. I wasn’t an amazing artist, but I was pretty average.
“How are things going on with Aria and Mark?” Alexis asked.
I snapped away from my thoughts. “I think Aria is starting to get over him. It’s been rough on her.”
Alexis scoffed. “That asshole. I can’t believe the nerve of him. Like hell! He should at least have the integrity not to rub it in her face every time he sees her,” she complained.
To be fair, I agreed with her a hundred percent. It was a low move.
“Speaking of boys, have you guys heard about Damon’s new girlfriend,” Tasneem grinned.
I sat up straight. “What?” I asked with wide eyes. “He had a girlfriend?”
No, it couldn’t be. He said he loved me this morning. He wouldn’t have moved on that fast, right?
Girl, who are you kidding? Of course, he would leave you. You told him to.
I know I did, but I couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t have. Not this fast. There was no way.
“W—Who is she?” I asked with a trembling voice.
Tasneem’s face scrunched up as she thought. “Oh, I remember! Her name was Kaylie.”
I felt my heart drop. It was that girl I bumped into. She was the girl that was all over Damon at that party. Was he with her? No, no. Oh Allah, please don’t let it be.
“Are you sure they’re dating?” I asked, hesitantly.
She gave me a puzzled look. “I mean they were making out a while ago. Maybe she’s a hit and run kind of girl for him,” she shrugged.
I hang off every word she said, and my mouth went dry as I felt disgust rise. It had to be someone else. There was no way that could be my Damon.
But, that’s what you wanted, Amira, my inner voice reminded me.
“Whoa. Damon has a bae? Damn! He always gets the hot chicks,” Alexis laughed.
I felt my body tense.
“I mean, he is a good-looking guy. Did you really think he wouldn’t take advantage of what he had?” Tasneem joked.
I felt like crying; my heart was like a fragile glass, it seemed that every word shattered a piece of me and stabbed me at my chest. This pain was foreign to me, but it hurt so much. I placed a hand on top of my chest as I relaxed my breathing.
Shh, calm down, Amira. They don’t know. It’ll be okay. Just be quiet, I reassured myself.
“I thought there was
a girl he liked for the last couple of months. No girls even bothered approaching him because he said he was off limits,” Alexis stated.
That girl was me! I was the girl he liked.
I kept my mouth shut. I had no claim over Damon, told him to move on and pleaded constantly to let me go. How could I expect him to still love me after all that? It wasn’t fair, but I made my decision and I had to live with it, even if it ended up hurting me the most. It was for Allah. I was doing this to stay faithful to my Lord.
“You think that girl is Kaylie?” Tasneem asked curiously.
“Probably. They might have just made it public,” Alexis waved off as she focused on her drawing.
I bit my lip. I wanted to yell out, “It’s me! Not Kaylie!” however, I knew I could not. Damon was just doing what I asked him to do and it wasn’t his fault. It was mine.
I sighed, thinking about this secret I kept on hiding for so long. I did it for Damon because I loved him. The fact that he was able to move on from me in a blink of an eye, made me realize that he never loved me to begin with.
If he was in love with me, it should have taken him a little longer to get over me. I let the walls around my heart go down and he sneaked right in. However, in his case, it was like I hadn’t been anything at all, like I was just another girl to string along when he needed comfort. It was almost as if the last few months were just figments of a dream that we had woken up from.
“Amira, you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick,” Tasneem asked in a concerned voice.
I didn’t want to burden them with my pitiful love life, so I nodded my head. “Of course, I am. I’m just tired that’s all,” I smiled tightly.
“You know if anything is wrong, you can tell me, right?” she asked, as she held my hand.
I looked up to her with gratitude and saw how much she cared for me. All of my friends did; I just never allowed them to help me. All my life, I’ve been used to helping them without realizing I needed help, too.
Sitting here and watching the anxiety wash over Tasneem’s face, I knew I should talk my problems out. But right now, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t mentally stable enough to tell her everything that happened, not when I couldn’t believe it myself.